Hi! Still here, still breathing
Okay, so, let’s get the obvious out of the way first and foremost. Hi! I’m still alive and well (well, getting better), and I hope the same can be said for all of you out there.
I truly am sorry if I worried anyone with my impromptu five months of radio silence. If you’ll permit me a few minutes of your time, here is an explanation.
This absence is not altogether unusual for me, personally speaking. This may sound weird, but bear with me. When I was younger, I developed this habit where if I would duck out of any close friend groups I’d made, be they on line or in person. Why? Well I’m still figuring it out but I believe it was usually because one of a couple of reasons. The long and short of it was that I was overwhelmed, specifically with… well, how nice people were and how we got along. So much sincere positivity was terrifying at times. I would panic and run away from the situation, rather than wait for something to take it away.
Drifting constantly away was a pattern that was familiar, rinse and repeat, a sure fire way to not mess up a new perfect friendship. The funny thing is, as much as it hurt to leave them, to cling on to loneliness like a life preserver, the regret would fade. Additionally, when I met back up with old friends down the road, I’d find that they were moving on with their lives and, while they were happy to see me again, none were concerned about my well-being to the point of consistently checking up on me. Who knows, maybe they did, and I was too good at avoiding them for them to find me. I would tell myself that they were better off, that it was best for everyone if I left. I always had my immediate family as my social and support group and that was enough for me, as I am exceedingly lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.
But the darnest thing started happening once I left school. Sometimes, when I made contact with people, when I’d talk to them regularly, then leave… people would try to stay in contact.
I’ll make no effort to be subtle and dance around the truth. I have been dealing with mental health issues for most of my life and only just stated to work on them in my early twenties. I won’t go into specifics, but as one can imagine, social anxiety was on top of the list. Doing art, specifically fan art for other artists/content creators was unspeakably therapeutic in treating that, and unintentionally got me connected to some of the sweetest, thoughtful, funny, and concisely amazing individuals out there.
And five months ago, I hit my wall again. I was surrounded by said amazing people and bounced. At first I told myself it was only for a week, but then that week grew into weeks, until I started to avoided Tumblr, Discord, any platform I could be easily contacted. Every time I tried to type or respond, or even click on an awaiting message… I froze, thousands of things running through my head, yet permanently stuck without a thing to say. Even if I promised myself that I’d do it on a specific date, or after I finished a project, my avoidance and insomnia worked together to keep me in my little hole, and that part of me would say I had to wait until I was ready.
Ready for what, though? For this feeling to go away? How can I combat the unknown if I never step into it, something that has never left? The fact of the matter is, I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of this flight response. If I say something stupid that I wished I hadn’t, I’ll apologize, try to see what went wrong, and if the offended party is willing to still talk, then I can lean and grow.
Recently a friend straight up called me to make sure I was okay, and I can’t thank her enough. Because when I talk to someone, it reminds me that when the chips are down, I will tackle this fear, shove it in a gosh dang closet and tell it to wait it’s flipping turn. Sincerely and truly, I never meant to scare anyone. Honestly, I didn’t think anyone would care that much.
Coming back to Tumblr will be a process. I can’t talk to too many people in one day, and working back up to posting things is going to be a journey. But it is one I can make, even if I have to take breaks. The key is, when those breaks are taken, I can’t burrow down into another hole. I can’t let that part of myself want that as a final destination any longer.
From the bottom to the brim of my heart, I’m so, so sorry for not giving a proper explanation or even a reply to those that asked. Thank you for asking and caring. I will do my absolute best to give as good as I get.
Whomever you are, wherever you are, know that it’s okay to have emotions, even the ones we battle with from day one. We can grow, heal and change. There is no one else like you on the planet, and there’s someone out there who can and will see that.
Sorry for dumping my heart out, out of the blue like this… but yeah! I’m inching my way back. Gradually. Thank you for listening to me ramble, and your patience.
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
andulkaphoto
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
