The Hearing Voices Café Riga. September 14. Survival Kit 2022.
The theme of the evening was loneliness. At the beginning of the evening, when the members were just getting together, I stood with two girls, and we began to gradually discuss the topic. First round of diving. It was very interesting that one of the participants, at the beginning, said that she did not feel lonely at all - “this is because I am a Catholic”, but she really likes to go somewhere in nature alone for a long time.
The second of the participants, said that she likes loneliness. She dives into herself, knows herself and becomes stronger. And at that moment, we were saying that very different things are “loneliness” and “solitude”. "Solitude" is a dialogue - with the world, with yourself, "loneliness" - a monologue - when you are not heard, or you do not want to hear.
As for my story, I shared my experience of transition from loneliness to solitude.
Living at home in Kyiv, I had many friends with whom we saw each other very often, spent time together, and communicated in reality. From the first days of the war, a rather large list of people dear to me was formed very quickly, with whom I contacted every half an hour / hour to check if everyone was alive. We can say that there was a lot of communication then. Then gradually the list began to decrease, as many began to leave the country. (They don't need to be checked. Besides, it's a bit difficult to communicate with a person who is already in a peaceful world and is trying to solve his primary needs).
When I arrived in Latvia, I did not know anyone. But I knocked on all the doors of opportunity and tried to do as much as possible of something. The citizens of Latvia very cordially opened their hearts to me and supported me. For me, this is incredibly valuable. When you feel like the world, through strangers, speaks to you and helps in the dark.
A month later, I had the resources of strength and opportunity to share something in return. But I saw that many wonderful people whom I met in my life here only wanted to help me as a refugee, but to receive something in return - they did not want to. Besides, “adult life”, if you want to meet friends, you have to make an appointment a month in advance. Therefore, communication remains very occasional.
At the same time, communication with friends who stayed at home also greatly decreased. This is because I often went to events in support of Ukrainians (concerts, performances, cinema, festivals, etc.), and when I shared my impressions with them, I often felt that they hadn’t the strength or time to be happy for me. Therefore, I continued to walk alone, in my soul having a great desire to share with someone, but gradually falling silent. (Already not even really wanting to meet someone at events to share emotions). I was feeling so lonely.
I remember the moment when I was talking to my boyfriend on a video-call, getting ready for a concert (trying to look amazing), and he asked: “Are you really going on your own?”, To which I answered him, “Latvia taught me to be alone.” - “Sounds very sad.” And I realized that I had stopped talking to the world, and as a result, I stopped hearing it.
That late evening, I was walking from a concert of a well-known band, screaming (as you can say "singing") in the forest, completely soaked, in the rain, in a black garbage bag (instead of a raincoat) and realized that I was incredibly happy at that moment. I feel good in my company. I'm not lonely, but I'm alone. The same feeling when I am painting in my studio in solitude. So, I realized that I can participate in a dialogue with the world without being tied to any specific people or places. I like to be open.
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