"Lord, How long will You keep me in this pain?
I know You're with me but I'm tired of having a routine to wake up every day from a nightmare, tear-strained and with a heavy heart.
I'm so tired of people hurting me as if I'm a dumpster of hurts. I'm tired of healing from things that I didn't deserve.
I'm tired of the injustice and tired of mending my heart that other people broke.
I'm tired of carrying the weight of the world, of my afflictions, on my shoulders.
I'm tired, so tired, Lord.
I give up.
I whimpered to God with my tears streaming down my face, my eyes squeezed shut in hopes of ceasing my pain, shaking and surrendering my defeat from a losing battle inside of me.
This morning, I had a major depressive episode that made my world seem like a dark place, even with the sunlight streaming through the window that should warmth my skin. I felt cold. My pain emotionally numbed and paralyzed me. It seemed to me that the sky was bleak with charcoal clouds which seemed to mirror my soul. The familiar fog of depression had rolled in, and I was weary of the struggle.
I didn't want to write this blog but my mind was flooded with doubts and fears, I needed to write and get them out of my head and heart before sorrow engulfed my soul. So Let me express my grief that's weighing my heart.
I know I had to run to God and find refuge in Him, but I could never forget that feeling of defeat when I sat unmovingly in front of my desk, staring blankly into space while my bible wide open waiting for it to be read. My agony was beyond unbearable, it trapped me in the corner of my mind. I give up, I give up I keep repeating to myself. The slimy shadow that follows me wherever I go, grows so big it consumes me â feeding on my life force and the remains of my hope. I watched the saturation slowly drain from my life. Going from colors to black and white and finally to grey. I didnât notice the loss of the colors of my surroundings until I no longer had the motivation or the energy to care about it. I sat there trembling, I cried, and I grieved.
These past couple of months or maybe a year, have been miserable, loss after loss, and hard thing after hard thing. It was exhausting and excruciating. You know Lord how much I loved my friends, but it feels like they don't feel the same. My subconscious tells me that I'm losing them and they're abandoning me. And this fear is crushing me when it's turning into a reality.
A year ago I had to walk away from my dear friend who was also my first love whom I have waited and prayed to God for 7 years. I silently walked away from him to give way to someone he loves, I walked away grief-stricken over a broken heart. My hopes and dreams with him were crushed. I felt like I was dying. When I tried to share glimpses of my pain with my well-meaning Christian friends, they didn't understand my heartbreak, my grief. Not long after, I had a conflict with my other close friend who lectured me when I needed understanding and support from her. I was really hurt that she didn't understand I was setting boundaries to guard myself because I was still hurting from my heartbreak. I felt like I had lost another close friend. I became more untrusting and had fallen into the trap that no one cared about me but themselves.
I fell deeper into the abyss. Like a fog that formed a dense wall, hedging me into isolation, that nobody, not even God, could break through. For 6 months I stayed in the dark, never leaving my desolate room, never shaking the bone-deep loneliness. When in truth, I only wanted to be found. I felt suicidal, I wanted my grief of losing my friends to end. Yet, no one reached out. No one tried to break the high walls or climb over it. No one tried to force their way into my life to be with me in the dark. I cried alone in the dark. The man who hurt and broke my heart never even tried to reach out and say sorry for crushing me. I waited for him to apologize, to feel remorse, but he didn't. And it pained me every time I saw photos of my friends hanging out with the person who broke my heart, but was not there for me when I was hurting. It killed me. It killed me, Lord when I watched the people who hurt me being happy without me, while I was undergoing the most horrible pain of my life. God was right when He said that unforgiveness in our hearts will keep tormenting us.
And finally, I reached my breaking point when I lost my cat who was with me at my lowest. No one cared about his loss because he was just a "stray cat", but I did. My cat was my world and my comfort. Now, I felt so alone in this dark, dark world. I forgave them when they lost my cat, but the grief continues to torture me every time I'm reminded that I couldn't remember the last time I embraced him.
I want my pain to stop, Lord. I want to die. The enemy whispers to me. I went through the darkness with no one by my side. No light can even seep through that darkness. And my friends gave up on me and disappeared one by one.
Yet one close friend of mine proved me wrong. He stayed with me in the mud. He listened and stood by my side. Even when my depression made me believe that I was worthless and that my darkness would only bring others down, who would want to be around me? My friend did. He never gave up even when I hurt him with my words and actions. Hurt people, Hurt people. He stood strong in the storm. His loyalty was unwavering. He forced himself through my high walls even when I was pushing people away. He wrestled and reached out to me. Just like the comfort and gentleness that I felt from Christ, my friend remained patient with me. He listened to all of my cries, and traumas, that he tried to understand. He said sorry for all the hurt our friends did to me. He even read my favorite book that my other friends wouldn't read. He was the only one who read it, and I was deeply moved by it. I found a friend in him who really cared and I felt connected with him. He shared with me his struggles with his own darkness which compelled me to be there for him too, because I knew the feeling when no one understands. Finally, I had a friend who understood me.
In the dark, someone found me. It was like he was walking towards me with a flashlight in his hand, months of not seeing colors, I saw light for the first time. Through him and my other friends, I felt the comfort of my God who loves me, who sees and cares for me. It gave me the courage to stand and face the world. I gave him my trust, and I believed that he wouldn't betray and leave me like everyone else.
I know my friend is entering a new season but it hurts that just like everybody else, he abandoned me. It hurts that it felt like he was discarding our friendship as if the good memories we spent together were just an illusion and nothing to him. It was so unexpected, a week ago we were okay but then unexpectedly he wanted to distance himself â and eventually maybe he'll cut me off (just like my trauma). Was I just a placeholder in his life? That now he wanted to be close with someone else, he would discard me just like that. I thought I was his friend. I know my boundaries but why would he hurt me? He shared empty promises that we would remain friends and still hang out, and yet the moment someone was upset, he would bend the knee for that person and drop our friendship as if I were just nothing to him. He made me feel like I was a nobody. He knows how much I look forward to that hangout with our friends, and yet, I didn't realize it was just nothing to him. I was a nobody to him, all this time. It hurts because he was the last person I least expected would hurt me, but now there's like a shift in my heart as if my view of him has changed.
Once again, Lord, I find myself dying from the inside out, my heart hurts, my chest aches, my head is in chaos, and my body feels like it is going to stop at any moment. I do not want to lose him and my friends, Lord. You know how small my circle of trusted friends is, but I'm losing them as if I have nobody left to be my friend.
It hurts so much Lord. I was there for him. I didn't drop him when he was at his lowest and depressed. I cared and prayed for my friend. I sit with him in his mud. I would try to read books to understand his traumas and hurts so that I could be a better friend to him when no one hears or understands him. So I don't understand why he'd hurt me? Why he was unknowingly willing to lose our friendship? I don't understand what I ever did to deserve such treatment from him! He was breaking my heart for the sake of someone else, and it hurt. It hurts my heart to be seen as something that shouldn't be taken care of.
I trusted him when I didn't want to trust anyone else. I gave him access to my battered heart, but he left it in shatters.
To them, I'm a dumpster of hurts. It makes me feel so unlovable and unworthy. They couldn't comprehend they were crushing my soul. And the light within me completely went out.
Lord, I am hurting so unbearably much, so much Lord that I just want it to stop. My world feels like it's crumbling, I feel like I will shatter any moment.
I love my friends dearly, and I just wanted to be there for them. I want to celebrate their answered prayers and new seasons but instead of feeling like a friend they want to hang out with, one doesnât find my presence comfortable. I felt like Iâm not a friend, but someone they need to be wary of. I felt like they were pushing me away. No matter how many times I share that I don't want to feel excluded, they will exclude me. They make excuses that I'm just not part of their "friend group" or from the South, but not once they ever tried to invite me because they wanted me to be there. The distance doesn't even matter to me, distance doesn't stop me from being with my loved ones. But my words always fall on deaf ears, they would still not invite me. In my years of being friends with them, not once did they ever ask me to hang out. So it hurts, it hurts that they would treat their new friends better than me. It hurts that I no longer matter to them.
Being friends with them makes me feel lonely. Being friends with them destroyed my confidence.
Regardless of this hurt and trauma, I remained loyal. I still love them so much, but every time I feel that they don't want my presence, it kills me. And I fall more into isolation. I'm falling and sinking deeper into the abyss.
But Lord, I donât want to fall! I donât want to sink deeper into that darkness. I want to feel and see the light. I want to feel the warmth of your love and mercy upon my soul. I want to feel like a human being and not an empty shell. I want to feel like I have a place that belongs to me. The days of happiness seem to have disappeared and every day I only feel glimpses of happiness before the sorrow takes over.
I am at my breaking point Lord.
I am aching desperately for You.
These sudden onslaughts of thoughts erupted into my head, they rang loudly, I had no choice but to consider them true. As I sat in my desolate room, numbed and staring blankly at my bible. I was caught in the vise grip of depression, hopelessness aptly describes me.
I'd grown accustomed to smiling, saying I was just tired, doing my best to show up for my commitments while my chest burned and my body felt like lead. The worst part was the way secret questions carved out my insides.Â
God, are you there? Do you really love me?
Why wonât you fix me? Why won't you fill me with joy?
Are my friendships beyond saving?
And the worst of them; God has abandoned me. And there you have it, complete and utter hopelessness. The light that used to be within me that showed in my smile, my love for life, for friends, for family, and my future. That inner light went out. And no one noticed. I was no longer the happy-go-lucky girl or the girl who kept praying for the unknown. The world no longer seems beautiful to me. My world got dimmer and dimmer til my surroundings turned grey.
I became lost in an abyss of darkness and sadness. Happiness and joy were things of the past. I was suddenly paralyzed in fear and anxiety, and my world became a place where I no longer wanted to be; I wanted out.
I no longer have the ability to form friendships; I lost that knack that used to come so easily to me. I didn't allow anyone to get close to me. I'm so scared to get hurt. I'm scared they won't love me at my lowest. My darkness pushed my friends away. Maybe this was all on me.
And yet because of this darkness, I do know one thing;
âThe darkness may always be there, but I will always be there in the darkness.â
Clear, sweet words whispered in my heart. My eyes open wide with suddenly welling tears. But it wasnât sorrow. It was hope, bittersweet, shocking hope.
The darkness exists. Itâs okay that itâs there and itâs okay that itâs so hard. God isn't disappointed in me. Heâs not tapping his foot and looking at his watch, impatient for me to get it together. He sits with me in the darkness. He says through His word (Psalms 139:8);
âIf I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
The heaviness in my chest lifted as I drew a deep breath. âI will always be there in the darkness.â God isnât afraid of my depression. He doesnât shrink from the darkness.
God doesnât lose patience with my pain.
He isnât uncomfortable when I share dark thoughts, telling me to snap out of it. Nothing I can do, nowhere I can go will ever push Him to abandon me. Instead, God welcomes honesty. He runs toward my pain and questions.
I have no encouragement to give when I'm still looking for answers but one thing that I know is I won't bury this pain. I'll stop hiding from God. I will cling unto Him come Hell or high water. I know to press my face into His clothes and breathe in deep. When the bony hands of anxiety choke my throat or my chest is filled with the burn of depression, I will lean to Him and listen.
I'm in the dark right now. Sitting. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.Â
I cannot see the light. But I want to believe that He's with me.
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age" (Matthew 18:20)
