The Hole in the Headcanon

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Hawkes vs Heralds

Molly!Hawke: Guys! Guys! GUYS! GUYSGUYSGUYS!

Jessie!Hawke: *thwap*

Molly!Hawke: OW!

Jessie!Hawke: Okay. You're stopped blithering. Now WHAT?

Astrid!Hawke: It's so exciting! There's a new Dragon Age game!

Jessie!Hawke: So we're getting more poor sods in here? Better them going through that nugshit than me.

Astrid!Hawke: Weeeeeeeeeell ... aaaaaaaaactuallyyyyyyyy...

Jessie!Hawke: ...............OH FUCK THE HELL NO.

Molly!Hawke: We get to be all sacrificial and shit!

Jessie!Hawke: Shit is right I AM NOT HELPING CLEAN UP ANDERS' FUCKING MESS!

Astrid!Hawke: If it helps, we're not the MAIN characters or anything. We just ... get ... cameos. Kinda.

Jessie!Hawke: FUCK. THE HELL. NO!

Molly!Hawke: C'mooooooooooon! It'll be fun! There'll be an alternative version of you here and everything!

Jessie!Hawke: ...what, like the weird-ass Force mage?

Astrid!Hawke: ............Something like that!

Molly!Hawke: *snrk*

Jessie!Hawke: What.

Astrid!Hawke: Molly, don't--

Molly!Hawke: It'd be better if she had warning; you know that.

Jessie!Hawke: WHAT.

Molly!Hawke: *snrk* youregonnabeadwarf... *bursts out laughing*

Jessie!Hawke: And? Dwarves are badass. They spend their lives living in spitting distance of darkspawn and they just get the fuck ON with it.

Astrid!Hawke: Thaaaaaaaaaat's the spirit!

Molly!Hawke: Also dwarven!you get to seal up rifts in the Fade with a glowy hand-mark thing.

Jessie!Hawke: ...............As a DWARF?

Astrid!Hawke: *shrug*

Jessie!Hawke: Ohthatissuchnugshit.

Molly!Hawke: Having a dwarven-her in that situation is going to make this bar veeeeeeeeery interesting.

Astrid!Hawke: You're just happy 'cos noble!you get to throw jars of bees at people who deserve it.

Jessie!Hawke: They gave her weaponised bees? No wonder this future's gone all to shit.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Wardens vs Inception

Elissa, Neria, Lyna, Natia: ....................THE FUCKING FADE.

They then threw popcorn at the screen for awhile. When they calmed down...

Natia: I like that Eames guy.

Elissa: Of course you do. He's slightly mouthy, just this side of suave and carries heavy ranged weapons.

Lyna: I much prefer something with more finesse, myself. I like Arthur. He remains cool under fire.

Neria: I like him too. I mean, he's the one who's got the most sense of the lot of them, really. But I guess if I'm honest, I'd be more an Ariadne sort.

Elissa: So ... no one else here liked "I bought the airline - it seemed neater"?

Natia: None'f us lot could ever identify with that. Jus' you.

Elissa: *sigh* So if we were doing Inception, I'd be Saito?

Lyna: But we are NOT doing Inception, because I have no desire to enter the Fade. Again. That's more a game for ... our 'Ariadne'.

Neria: You don't have to say it like it was a synonym for 'dead rat', you know.

Elissa: At least we don't have a Cobb.

Natia: Nope. We do th'stupid n'impossible aaaaaaaaall on our own, without needin' some crazy bugger draggin' us into it.

Elissa: ......................................

Lyna: This has little to do with our time, our setting or our purpose. Why were we set to watch this?

Neria: ...Remember that earlier comment? 'The fucking Fade'? We're the only ones who can't AVOID it.

Lyna: Ah.

Natia: You all complain too much. We got good-lookin' guys in nice clothes n'funny lines!

Elissa: And the fucking Fade.

Natia: ...Eh, at least I don't gotta worry 'bout it anymore. Twice was enough.

Lyna: ...But ... we only got trapped in there once.

Natia: Nope. Twice. But once was Amaranthine. Which you don't gotta worry 'bout. 'Cos you're the one what died.

Lyna: Yes, because you haven't reminded me of that yet today.

Natia: I'm fond'a you too, stiff though you are. Ale?

Lyna: ...*sigh* Please.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Dragonborn vs the Jukebox

Astra: I beg your pardon, but ... there are ... at least three musicians amongst us. Right?

Astrid!Shep: What, you, me and Astrid Hawke? Yep. Also I think the quiet one with the facial tattoos sings, but she's not one to put herself forward. Not unless you get a lot of sour apple vodka in her first, anyway.

Astra: All I mean is ... why don't we ever ... you know ... play?

Astrid!Shep: Mostly because Molly - the Shepard-Molly - worked so hard on the jukebox and it has more range than we do.

Astra: What--? Oh. I see. There are ... lists of songs! With people's names on!

Astrid!Shep: Yep; playlists. Depending on who's in, we flip a coin. Or one of the Jessies glares until we give in. It makes them feel better.

Astra: Who ... these are all ... the names of performing groups? It's just that ... the one labelled Molly!Shep has ... some ... what's a voodoo glow skull?

Astrid!Shep: Oh, well, beyond the Muppet stuff, Molly likes punk bands that don't take themselves very seriously. Voodoo Glow Skulls, Hoodoo Gurus, Frenzal Rhomb, Spiderbait, Bloodhound Gang ... also Tom Lehrer and Weird Al and I'm just saying random words as far as you're concerned, I bet.

Astra: No... Well, yes, but I'm used to that. I'm just wondering if 'Kiss Me Where It Smells Funny' means what I think it does.

Astrid!Shep: ...Yep.

Astra: Oh, here's another Bloodhound Gang song ... they actually sing 'I Hope You Die'?

Astrid!Shep: Oh, you found the one song Jessie likes that involves recognisable lyrics!

Astra: ...This should not surprise me, because I've met her.

Astrid!Shep: Oh, it's not so bad, really. She's just into the heavier end of heavy metal. Iced Earth, Iron Savior ... old school stuff like that. Also thrash, cybernoise, and anything you can shove someone around a mosh pit to. Which explains her version of 'dancing'.

Astra: I see. Oh, this is nice. There are even instruments I recognise!

Astrid!Shep: Aaah, Astrid Hawke, the traditionalist. Songs from the Labyrinth, by Sting. Also she's a total Tori Amos junkie, and Suzanne Vega's a good gateway drug insofar as that's concerned. Jesca Hoop ... basically lute and/or female vocalists singing soulfully.

Astra: ...You don't have a playlist. All the others do - even the angry Hawke with the short hair and the sword - except you.

Astrid!Shep: I don't play favourites. I love music, end of statement.

Astra: But ... you don't play all of it ... right?

Astrid!Shep: Put it to you this way - hardened military men from any world you care to name nearly have heart attacks when a cute petite blonde starts roaring out Swedish death metal loud enough to be heard three clicks away.

Astra: ...Why?

Astrid!Shep: It was a great way to test the acoustics! ...Also the looks on their faces were priceless.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Wardens vs Jurassic Park

Natia: .........They bred DEEPSTALKERS?

Neria: Blood magic. Sheesh. You'd think such an advanced bunch would have figured out that no good can come of that.

Elissa: I'm pretty sure deepstalkers had less in the way of ... teeth. And size.

Lyna: Perhaps they simply cross-bred them with dragons.

Neria: .................BLOOD MAGIC. I keep telling you.

(Later...)

Lyna: Their wards are pathetic. As are their weapons. We have all survived much worse with much less in the way of ranged weaponry.

Neria: Hey, I'm all about the ranged attacks. Of course, I also wear no armour...

Lyna: Neither do they. And they are ... well...

Natia: Getting their asses handed to 'em, s'what. Man, these guys would be laughed right out of Orzamarr.

Elissa: Clearly, living in a society with less in the way of...

Natia: Deepstalkers, darkspawn...

Neria: Demons. Abominations.

Lyna: Angry shemlen. Werewolves. Blight wolves. Ordinary wolves. Bears.

Lyna, Natia, Neria: GIANT SPIDERS.

Elissa: ...I was going to say 'natural predators', but you've just about covered it, I think. Anyway, it's made them soft.

Neria: Well, why didn't the guy with the staff just throw a FIREBALL at them? Or ... do something else magey? Blood-magey. Whatever.

Elissa: We've been over this, Neria. Their 'sufficiently advanced technology' looks like magic, but it's not. It takes a lot of people to work together to make things like this happen.

Lyna: And none of them know what the others are doing. And then people get eaten.

(Much later...)

Natia: How come the Shepards didn't get this soft? They live in an advanced society.

Elissa: They're in the military.

Neria: They have mages! Biotics. Whatever.

Lyna: They have natural predators as well. Those ... husks they keep talking about. Which sound a great deal like darkspawn to me. Perhaps these 'reapers' are simply giant ... mechanical ... broodmothers.

Natia: M'glad deepstalkers don't get that big, at least. But this lot had it SO easy. I mean, none of them fake deepstalkers even breathed a tiny bit of fire. Them 'dinosaur' whatevers, I mean.

Lyna: I take it very much amiss that the hunter had to die, while the man responsible for everything managed to escape.

Elissa: Sometimes I guess it's easier just to kill the problem. It's not like letting him die would have cured the dinosaurs of ... I dunno, dinothropy. It wasn't like Zathrian at all.

Neria: ...What did you two DO about that, by the way? I mean, Lyna's Dalish and ... Elissa,  your family has that whole ... werewolf ... thing.

Elissa: I got Zathrian to turn the curse around. I mean, fine, it wasn't exactly going to save generations of my family, undoing the curse, but I wasn't going to turn into him by blaming people who weren't even born when the good folk of Highever were getting slaughtered. Though I did take a great deal of pleasure in smacking Zathrian upside the head for doing what he did. Family and all.

Lyna: ...I also bade him undo the curse. Dalish are reviled enough without 'we are turned into werewolves because of them' added to matters.

Natia: How come we all did about the same thing'n we're all so different?

Neria: We're all virtuous warriors for truth and justice, maybe? ...Or maybe I just find it easier to battle flammable trees and mages sensitive to Mana Clash than I do werewolves. Or both! Anyway, I try not to kill people who don't want to kill me. It's a thing.

Lyna: On a different note ... I see they are leaving this island full of predator lizard-ish things. Have they not the means to ... the talky one with the very bizarre spell wisp would have it as 'nuke the site from orbit'?

Elissa: Yeah, I'm pretty sure she'd say something about 'that would mean they couldn't make a sequel'.

Natia: MORE stories about killer deepstalkers? If I'd wanted that nug-shit, I'd have stayed in Orzamarr and eavesdropped on the Warrior caste at Tapsters.

Neria: *sigh* It's at least mildly more entertaining than the other cautionary tales about blood magic I hear from templars...

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Jedi vs Men in Black

Kayla Vallen: ...This is STUPID.

Myla Quinn: Well, you have to admit, it seems to keep humanity as a whole out of a lot of trouble.

Kayla Vallen: Yeah, but ... everything I've heard about this 'earth' of theirs says that they're overpopulated, underresourced and about ready to fall apart. Wouldn't it be better if they ... you know, colonised other planets?

Myla Quinn: Yes, because that never goes wrong. Consider their universal translator issue. Apparently human language is considered an infectious disease. Humans aren't evolved enough to enter space, apparently.

Kayla Vallen: Yet they're evolved enough to hide the galaxy's political refugees and war criminals?

Myla Quinn: Well, we exiles and smugglers need SOMEWHERE to go. Think of earth as like ... Mos Eisley.

Kayla Vallen: A rough, smelly, worthless pile of rock full of the scum and villany of the galaxy and little difficult-to-understand people trying to sell us things?

Myla Quinn: Pretty much. Less desert, at least.

(Later...)

Myla Quinn: ...We have Jedi mind tricks that it's really morally dodgy to use. They have a flashlight.

Kayla Vallen: Yeah, morals don't really apply when people are really committed to messing with someone's head.

Myla Quinn: Still bitter about that?

Kayla Vallen: I like me. Revan ... was apparently really good until she went really evil, but ... then again, really evil, and I dunno why she went that way. So while I like being me, I still kind of wish I knew why Revan went evil. And Revan is apparently me, and I don't remember, so...

Myla Quinn: Still having issues.

Kayla Vallen: Oh, would you people in the weird black clothes PUT THE DAMN JEDI MIND-WIPE DEVICE AWAY?!?

Myla Quinn: ...Yep. Issues.

(Still later...)

Kayla Vallen: Hundred credits says the doctor woman joins the team at the end of this movie. Probably replacing the Jedi master-type guy.

Myla Quinn: I may have been living in exile for awhile, but I do know dramatic narrative. I don't take sucker bets.

(Eventually...)

Kayla Vallen: Why didn't they just let the bug get on the ship? I mean, they could have told the Arquillians, "Hey, wait for it to clear out of our airspace and then blow it to hell; at least the bugs won't get it".

Myla Quinn: With what you've seen and done, do you really think they'd be satisfied with, "as long as the enemy doesn't have it"?

Kayla Vallen: I don't know if I want that kind of power source in the hands of someone who'd blow up an innocent planet just because intergalactic bureaucrats aren't perfect.

Myla Quinn: Power tends to corrupt, yadda, blah.

Kayla Vallen: Pretty offhand about that, for a Jedi.

Myla Quinn: I just don't believe in not wielding power you have in the cause of good just because it might corrupt you further on down the line. How are you supposed to be anything but afraid of ANYTHING if you don't go out and DO something? These Men in Black seem to know about that.

Kayla Vallen: Yeah, until they get bored or tired or old and then they can do the memory eraser thing and get a peaceful retirement.

Myla Quinn: You'd rather they kill their retirees? Even the Jedi Council doesn't do that, no matter how dangerous it thinks you are. Sure, it tries to cut you off from the Force or rewrites your entire brain, but it doesn't KILL you.

Kayla Vallen: True. *sigh* At least they GET that option, and don't get dragged back in because they have information people need...

Molly!Shep: ...Here's a bottle of Serrice ice brandy. You're gonna need it.

Kayla Vallen: Thanks, but ... what am I going to need it for, exactly?

Molly!Shep: ...The sequel.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Shepards vs Resident Evil

Jessie!Shep: See, this? THIS is why we squish Cerberus. Because they do this kind of shit.

Astrid!Shep: We've actually got it pretty easy, when you think about it. Their Umbrella Corp is everywhere! Cerberus is just quiet and sneaky and isolated.

Molly!Shep: Y'think? Remember the billions of credits it took to rebuild us? The 'interests' Miranda talked about? You don't think Cerberus provides, like, half our tech, weapons and medical advances through an obscene number of shell companies?

Astrid!Shep: .............................

Jessie!Shep: ................................

Molly!Shep: Well, if it makes you feel any better, their work on rebuilding us probably helped develop medical advances that saved millions of lives in the two years we were dead.

Jessie!Shep: This is where I point out how much I fucking hate science sometimes.

Astrid!Shep: Let's go back to watching the movie, okay?

(Later...)

Jessie!Shep: Shit. It's Sanctuary all over again. But fuck, seriously, someone you're trying to help only makes moaning noises and tries to take a chunk out of your hand, and you keep making like she's ALIVE?

Molly!Shep: I know. It's like Romero movies don't exist in their world. See, that's why I like the Newsflesh books so much - they not only remember Romero happened, but made him a national hero.

Astrid!Shep: For the record? Ew. Not about the Newsflesh, exactly. More the zombies. At least husks don't look like the people they used to be anymore.

Molly!Shep: You know, if it were me? I'd be asking the computer WHY it decided to go homicidal. It would have saved a lot of time and trouble in the long run. I mean, usually they've got reasons.

Jessie!Shep: EDI.

Molly!Shep: She was a combat simulator, but SHE didn't know that. When she started becoming self-aware, all she knew was that people were shooting at her! What would you do?

Astrid!Shep: And don't even mention David. Of COURSE David was lashing out.

Molly!Shep: Even the Catalyst had reasons. Demented and stupid and really badly thought-out, but reasons. So you ask. Y'know? For information. And not getting -- yeah, cornered by husks.

(Later...)

Molly!Shep: She's a construct. Mutation. Experiment. Whatever.

Jessie!Shep: What, because she's badass? So what? We're badass!

Molly!Shep: Yeah, but there's badass and there's bullet-time badass.

Astrid!Shep: She's right. Time-honoured cinematic technique that says, "I AM DOING SOMETHING IMPRESSIVE BEYOND ALL WORDS".

Molly!Shep: Also, that scar on her collarbone? That's surgical. Too precise to be anything else. They Did Shit to her.

Jessie!Shep: So ... she's us?

Molly!Shep: Probably. Us with traumatic amnesia, anyway.

Jessie!Shep: ...Kick. ASS.

(Still later...)

Jessie!Shep: You DIPSHIT WOMAN! C'mon; you're MICHELLE RODRIGUEZ! You're BADASS! You don't pull this shit!

Astrid!Shep: Oh, come on! You wouldn't hesitate even a little before shooting Garrus if he went that way?

Jessie!Shep: Not for a second. And I'd probably eat a bullet right after. Y'know, now that they asked the fuckin' questions and she knows she's on her way to Huskville.

Astrid!Shep: ...Molly?

Molly!Shep: I wouldn't shoot Kaidan. It'd be the omniblade through the neck. ...I routinely carry a SMG. It's a good weapon for ammo capacity, large groups of enemies - or just large enemies - and centre of mass shots. Not so good for a clean merciful headshot. So I'd sever his spinal column with the omniblade. Extra bonus - mine's on fire. It'd cauterise things and keep the possibility of airborne T-virus to a minimum.

Astrid!Shep: ......idontlikezombiemoviestheymakemyhearthurt.

(Finally...)

Molly!Shep: Genetics don't WORK that way! You don't just ... eat somebody and mutate because you've intaken new DNA! That's STUPID!

Astrid!Shep: I'm a little more concerned about the whole 'let's open up the Hive again instead of asking the two battered survivors for a report first' thing...

Molly!Shep: They had to do that or no sequel. And ... oh, hey, look, they opened up that scar again! Man, if I were her, I'd be looking for a scalpel and finding out what the hell they put in me.

Jessie!Shep: I'm with her - when in doubt, go for a fucking shotgun.

Molly!Shep: Next one?

Jessie!Shep: We good for beer and popcorn?

Astrid!Shep: I still have jelly beans!

Molly!Shep: I have enough coffee to make elcor hyperactive!

Jessie!Shep: Kick ass. Let's do it.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

Movie Nights

Jessie!Shep: Is she still whining about London on a Saturday night?

Astrid!Shep: Well, she's sort of entitled. She went to HMV and noticed the liquidation sale? And she picked up some movies for our movie nights.

Jessie!Shep: How many of the fucking things need subtitles?

Molly!Shep: Actually, none. Have a look.

Jessie!Shep: ...Wanted.

Molly!Shep: THE FIRST TWO MEN IN BLACK MOVIES! SCORE!

Astrid!Shep: Oooh, Inception!

Jessie!Shep: FOUR of the Resident Evil movies in one box set?

Molly!Shep: And there's a note. "Couldn't find the Alien Quadrology; wanted to get it all in one box so I'll pick it up from Amazon".

Jessie!Shep: ..............................................

Molly!Shep: Awwwwwww, did the mean ol' Controller Lady kill your complaint about her movie tastes deader than a Cerberus trooper within your visual range?

Astrid!Shep: You have to be nice to her for at least a week now!

Molly!Shep: Or at least stop tempting her to scream "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE, HAVE SOME COURTESY FOR YOUR FELLOW PEDESTRIANS, YOU ASSHOLES!" when she gets shoved into walls for the third time.

Jessie!Shep: ...yeahwellthanks.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

The Jelly Belly Roll Call

The Hole in the Headcanon has a small shipment of Jelly Belly jelly beans as a special treat for the evening. Each of the gang has a small selection of their favourites:

Molly!Shep: Caffe Latte, Cappucino, Cherry Cola and Mango

Jessie!Shep: Sizzling Cinnamon with a smattering of Caramel Apple

Astrid!Shep: Bubble Gum, Cotton Candy, Cream Soda and Tutti-Frutti

Molly!Hawke: Lychee, Pomegranate and Pina Colada

Jessie!Hawke: (is trying to hide her selection of Dark Chocolate and Raspberry under the table)

Astrid!Hawke: Island Punch, Strawberry Daquiri and Peach.

Neria: A selection of totally random beans that she's hoping doesn't contain 'earwax'. Remind me to take the Potter books away from her.

Lyna: Green Tea, Green Apple and Wild Blackberry

Elissa: Red Apple, Strawberry Cheesecake and Vanilla

Natia: Buttered Popcorn, Toasted Marshmallow, Cantaloupe and Liquorice. (Yeah ... I don't know either.)

Kayla Vallen: Orange Sherbet, Pink Grapefruit, Watermelon and Kiwi

Myla Quinn: Crushed Pineapple, Lemon Drop and Tangerine

Astra Dragonborn: Raspberry, Red Apple, Very Cherry and Strawberry Jam. She's making a game out of telling which is which.

It's a good thing the good people at Jelly Belly make such weird flavours. I somehow can't imagine some of this lot being content with the average jelly bean...

[theholeintheheadcanon]

THITHC Regulars: Lyna

Name: Lyna Mahariel

DOB: 5 November (or Thedosian equivalent) - age approx 18

Background: Dalish Elf (Ranger, Assassin, Legionnaire Scout)

Favourite Combat Action: Arrow of Slaying ("Right between the eyes.")

Personality: To most people, Lyna comes across as a bit of a cold, aloof, overly formal sort of person, and it probably solidifies their view of the Dalish as an insular, untrusting people. They're not. Lyna is just very careful about who she lets into her life - given how much she's lost, it's not surprising. She's a natural hunter, and understands the value of patience, assessing the lay of the land and weighing the risks and benefits of every situation, and that includes personal relationships. Once, she was a playful, laughing, joyful young woman; now, that only comes out in very rare circumstances. Mostly if you know her well enough to get drunk with her. She's cautious - she knows her ways are different to everyone else's, and her formality is just her way of showing respect; she doesn't want to misstep and offend someone. However, if someone is offensive to her or to her people, her temper comes into play in a manner that is as quiet, deliberate and no-nonsense as the rest of her. Basically, Lyna is a pragmatic young woman big into self-control, but she is capable of great empathy, loyalty and protectiveness if you give her enough time and space.

Decisions:

Surprisingly, she refused to corrupt Andraste's ashes. Not because of any particular Andrastrian feeling, but because Wynne reminds her a bit of Marethari and she doesn't go around offending Keepers. Besides, she remembers what happened last time she went dicking around with mysterious artefacts in old ruins.

Sided with Bhelen. Pragmatism again - it was either that or dick around with unofficial Provings. Plus Bhelen's ascension required a look at the Deep Roads, which she wanted to see before she had to go down there to die. (HEADCANON: This was probably around the point where she started thinking of the best way to arrange a noble heroic death in the final push rather than die in that stinking pit without even a tree over her grave, not knowing that the slaying of an Archdemon would require that of her anyway.) But she wasn't pragmatic enough to save the Anvil of the Void.

She put Alistair on the throne. Frankly, he should have seen what happened to her coming - he knew at least a little about the Dalish by then, enough to know that becoming the King's mistress greatly violated that whole "never again will we submit" bit of the Oath of the Dales.

Lyna Mahariel is the one Hole in the Headcanon regular who made the Ultimate Sacrifice. She wanted to die - not in thirty years or so in some filthy stinking cave, but on her own terms, under open sky. She was nearly grateful to Riordan for the opportunity, and if she'd had any faith in the abilities of someone who got himself caught by Howe to actually slay an Archdemon, she'd have killed him herself to keep him from striking the final blow.

Random Headcanon:

Lyna never truly warmed to Leliana after the whole 'elven servants have it so good in Orlais' thing. When it comes to the pride and independence of her people, Lyna is unforgiving. Leliana spent a lot of time after the Archdemon's death - and Lyna's - mourning having said that, because even singing that Dalish song didn't fix the damage done to their friendship.

She was closest to Morrigan (shared love of wild places), Wynne (closest thing to a Keeper her little tribe had), Alistair (lover, and that surprised even her) and Zevran (the brother she never had). But after Zevran, it was actually Sten she was most comfortable with, mostly because their stoic, pragmatic, aloof natures didn't demand much in the way of small talk and they respected each other for it.

There's a story behind her vallaslin. Easier just to link you to the fic.

The Ultimate Sacrifice didn't go quite as she expected either. Again, fic.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

THITHC Regulars: Astrid Shepard

Name: Astrid Cordelia Shepard

DOB: 1 April

Background: Colonist. War Hero. Adept.

Favourite Combat Action: Detonating a singularity. ("Gets the job done - no fuss, no muss.")

Personality: Sugar and spice and all things nice - that's what this Shepard is made of. She believes in kindness to all, diplomacy insofar as is humanly possible, and friendship between all races through mutual understanding and appreciation of the diversity of their cultures. Which is why she's constantly immersing herself in every cultural experience she can get her hands on, from elcor Hamlet to hanar poetry to head-butting krogan to prove a point. She's also got a keen eye for beauty and tries to encourage it everywhere she can, which is why she puts pretty pieces of art around the Normandy. (She likes impressionists.) She appreciates creature comforts - good food, comfy quilts, displays of affection - and spreads them around where she can ... and some places where she can't, because she's got a certain charm that lets her hug people who'd ordinarily kill anyone who dared touch them. When all is said and done, Astrid epitomises Jack's 'Queen of the Girl Scouts' nickname. She has a very long fuse, temper-wise ... unless you hurt someone she loves, at which point she will destroy you so completely that even DNA analysis won't be able to identify your remains. (And then she'll apologise to any witnesses for the trauma she may have caused, and hand out jelly beans as comfort food. No, I am not kidding. She tried this with Zaeed once. He took them just because if someone who just crushed an airship into something the size of a can of beans WITH HER MIND offers you candy, YOU TAKE IT, in his view.)

Decisions:

Pick a Paragon decision. ANY Paragon decision. Odds are, she's taken it.

Except for when the quarians pressed the attack on the geth dreadnought instead of getting their civilians to safety. Then she came in punching.

And the 'rewrite or destroy the heretics' thing. She destroyed them. Because she couldn't feature brainwashing an entire race. Felt too much like what the Reapers were doing to people.

Also she destroyed the Reapers. With many tears and self-recriminations but she couldn't trust anyone, herself included, with the power the Catalyst represented.

Random Headcanon:

She is tiny. Just under five foot, just over a hundred and ten pounds in full armour, and she would have washed out of boot entirely if it weren't for her biotics. However, the phrase 'though she be but little, she is fierce' applies when necessary, and she has biotics, so she went through.

Actually, she didn't want to be a soldier. She wanted to be a singer and songwriter and spread beautiful music throughout the galaxy. But Mindoir changed that. She spent days not talking to anyone, wondering what the hell she was supposed to do because she couldn't imagine just blithely going on with life after her entire world was gone, and one of the doctors at the healthcare facility that took her into custody until they could find relatives or foster care told her that maybe she could make a difference - if not through singing, then some other way. (Doctor Karrin Chakwas, incidentally. She had no idea what effect her words had had on that one troubled teen until the Elysium thing was all over the extranet news. She kept tabs after that and requested the Normandy specifically when she heard Shepard was aboard - she wanted to get to know the young woman whose life those words had so clearly changed.)

Astrid cannot cook. At all. Everyone's got blind spots, and Astrid's got two - driving (mostly because she can't see over the steering wheel of most vehicles) and cooking. She tries every so often, because she likes good food and admires good cooks. She fails so dramatically that she's caused more damage to the Normandy, collectively, than the Collectors ever did. Even when they blew the first one to hell.

She is the only Shepard at the Hole in the Headcanon who can dance. She just couldn't in the first two games because armour. And dorky dancing makes people laugh. Actually, she took dancing lessons and does ballet, as well as several styles of ballroom dance.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

THITHC Regulars: Jessie Shepard

Name: Jessica Grace Shepard (but call her anything but Jessie, and it's your ass.)

DOB: 6th June

Background: Spacer. Sole Survivor. Vanguard.

Favourite Combat Action: Biotic Charge + Nova. ("EVERYTHING DIES.")

Personality: Angry. Angry. Angry. Did we mention 'angry'? In all fairness, under the rage and the bitterness and the heavy psychological shields and the MOAR RAGE, there's a sort of boisterous enthusiasm and wry wit that belies the "HULK SMASH" vibe she tends to give off. She's also killingly independent - she won't ask for help unless she really can't avoid it, and often not even then, and gods help you if you expect her to admit she has FEELINGS. On the other hand, she'll generally be sensitive to the feelings of people she likes. Sometimes. If she feels like it. And if you hurt anyone she considers a part of her life, expect to be splattered across the walls - loyalty doesn't BEGIN to cover it. But given what happened to her squad at Akuze, it's probably understandable. Anyway, once you get past the perfectly reasonable psychological scars and the anger management issues and the fact that she'll punch first if she doesn't SHOOT first when annoyed, frustrated or bored, she's actually not a bad person to have around. She'll share her beer, anyway, and probably make you laugh in between shouting insults at half the planet.

Decisions:

Saved the rachni queen the first time. The second time, "Fuck this; I'm not going through this shit again".

Talked Wrex down on Virmire. (HEADCANON: Actually, she headbutted him, shoved her shotgun up his nose and reminded him that everything Saren'd touched so far had turned to shit so did he really want to do that to his WHOLE FUCKING SPECIES?)

Sacrificed Ashley on Virmire. (HEADCANON: Actually, she went back for Kaidan a) because bomb and b) because she actually thought that Ashley'd be among any survivors they managed to pick up from the salarian squad. She came yay close to beating Kirrahe to a pulp when she realised he'd got his men out but not got Ashley. Yet more ANGRY.)

Saved the Council. Came very, VERY close to leaving them to die, but managed to restrain herself by reminding herself that galactic politics was shitty enough without the kind of upheaval that losing the entire Council would get. Two years later, she REALLY wishes she'd left the fuckers to die.

Mostly the same decisions as Molly!Shep, but different reasons. The heretics, she destroyed because if they decided to go be heretics again, at least there'd be fewer geth worshipping the Reapers, for example, and saved Kolyat's target only because she didn't have the patience to deal with Bailey about whether it was murder or what. Also didn't give Legion OR the Collector base to the Illusive Man because he wanted them. And she would deny him things he wanted for Cerberus ON GENERAL PRINCIPLES. Big difference - she let Garrus shoot Sidonis. Mostly because Sidonis wanted to die, Garrus wanted him dead, and she wanted off the fucking Citadel.

Cured the genophage, verbally bitch-slapped the quarians until they agreed to make peace with the geth and spent an awful lot of time stomping on Cerberus. She's the one who didn't tell Gavin Archer what happened to his brother, scared the shit out of the kids at Grissom by flagging up exactly what Cerberus meant by 'you won't be harmed' and overall didn't coddle anyone. (Though she didn't send the Grissom kids off to the front lines either.)

Destroy option. Because FUCK THE REAPERS.

Random Headcanon:

Jessie's known Anderson since she was a little girl. Anderson and Hannah Shepard were on similar rungs of the ladder rank-wise and were casual friends. Jessie liked Anderson immediately and showed it by head-butting him in the knees and then, when he shrugged it off, inviting him to be her krannt.

She has had at least four  major panic attacks in the last year or so of her command. One was when she was faced with the thresher maw at Grunt's Rite. One was when she was faced with Kalros. The last two followed on from each other - nearly getting spaced with the destroyed docking tube onto the geth dreadnought and having the geth shoot said dreadnought down around her ears. She has learned coping mechanisms, though - she just destroys something until she feels better.

As a child, Jessie actually showed a little bit of artistic potential - at least in terms of sculpting. Sure, her medium was plasticine, but she could make rather credible corgi-sized models of rachni when she wanted to. And then she stamped on them and beat them to mush, screaming "I! AM! KROGAAAAAAAN!" The galaxy lost a great sculptor when they gained a great soldier.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

THITHC Regulars: Molly Shepard

Name: Molly Elaine Shepard

DOB: 31 October

Background: Earthborn. War Hero. Engineer.

Favourite Combat Action: Sabotage on Cerberus turrets. ("Everyone else shrieks and runs when turrets hit the field. I just laugh and point them at the MORONS who put hackable turrets on the field.")

Personality: Self-confessed dork. Basically, Molly Shepard is Tumblr - eclectic, eccentric, energetic, easily distracted and fond of dancing things and shiny objects. She's a font of random trivia, particularly regarding old Earth sci-fi, and is responsible for all the movie nights. She won't sit still, she won't shut up, and she seldom takes anything too seriously because she doesn't feel that panicking is a good way to deal when shit gets serious. She Muppet-flails a lot, but only when she chooses to, and she chooses not to Muppet-flail when shit gets real. But most of the time, she's a positive flashbang of fun and weirdness. Mostly she can be found watching old Earth sci-fi and pointing out its inconsistencies, hacking into government databases for fun or building things. Usually ludicrous things. The less said about the little tap-dancing frog mechs, the better. She's also screamingly overconfident, secure in the belief that there is NOTHING she can't do. The fact that she's defied death TWICE doesn't really help that very much. The less said about her driving the better.

Decisions:

Saved the rachni queen. Twice. She likes it when powerful beings owe her favours.

Talked Wrex down on Virmire. Still isn't entirely sure how she managed that one.

Sacrificed Ashley on Virmire. Though she keeps telling Kaidan that it wasn't him she was saving; it was the bomb. As to why who got sent where, if she wanted ANYONE holding the line as a distraction for the geth on Virmire, it was the person who managed to survive the slaughter at Eden Prime.

Saved the Council. Same logic as the rachni.

Stopped Mordin from killing Maelon, but saved Maelon's data. Also let Kasumi keep the greybox. Molly does not believe in destroying data ... most of the time.

Chose Samara over Morinth, talked Garrus into saving Saleon, got Kolyat off with community service, saved Tali's father's reputation without getting her exiled, kept Zaeed's loyalty even though she valued innocent lives over his revenge.

Kept Legion, destroyed the geth heretics (but for moral reasons, not bloodthirsty ones).

Everyone survived the 'suicide mission' and she destroyed the Collector base because, while she hates destroying data, she didn't trust what Cerberus would do with it.

Cured the genophage, made peace between the geth and the quarians, and generally changed the face of the galaxy.

Destroyed the Reapers, at least in part because there were too many unknowns and she figured if push came to shove, if she survived she could help fix EDI and the geth. (See above re: supreme overconfidence.)

Random Headcanon:

Molly has incredibly bad eyesight - or she did, until the Cerberus rebuild. She couldn't afford the kind of surgery it would have taken to get her eyes fixed, and even had a hard time getting a visor, so she wore glasses - second-hand, not always specifically for her prescription glasses - and saved what combat visor she could get when she really need her peripheral vision (like, when the Reds got her into a situation where she might get shot). By the time she got out of the Reds and into boot camp, she was so used to having either a visor or a pair of glasses on that getting the surgery that would have fixed her eyes wasn't worth the effort. Of course, Cerberus made a few 'improvements' in the rebuild, but she still feels wrong without glasses or a combat visor on, so she generally wears glasses with flat lenses when not in the field.

Molly has an eidetic memory. She has to work at recalling things harder than a drell would, particularly when it's something that was said to her rather than something she saw, but her memory is pretty much perfect. She's also a bit of a savant when it comes to electronics - she couldn't really read until she was eight, and her spelling was atrocious until she hit the military, but she was hacking her way in and out of places at a very young age without anyone teaching her.

Molly taught herself to drive when some of her 'friends' in the Reds realised that her hacking skill meant that she'd be great at boosting cars. She was eleven, and she took 'driving safely' to mean 'go too fast for the cops to catch you'. That lesson just never got unlearned.

[theholeintheheadcanon]

THITHC Regulars: Neria

Name: Neria Surana

DOB: 1 March (or Thedosian equivalent) - age approx 19

Background: Elven Mage (Arcane Warrior/Spirit Healer/Keeper)

Favourite Combat Action: Spell Combo "Perfect Storm"

Personality: Sweet, eager, adventurous, friendly, gregarious. She's a little inexperienced at life in general, having spent so long behind walls, but to Neria, the world she's finally allowed to live in is full of wonders and she wants to experience ALL OF THEM. All the same, she's not as naive as she'd sometimes let on - she hates having to be pragmatic, but that doesn't mean she won't do it when the need arises. She's also a little too eager to please sometimes - comes from having spent so long under scrutiny and trying to prove that she was worth not being made Tranquil as a kid. But mostly, she's keen to make friends, talk to people, try new things and experience everything the world has to offer. Would probably be more of a hedonist if she didn't believe in pacing herself.

Decisions:

Told Irving about Jowan's escape attempt (HEADCANON - she just wanted to get Irving, Gregoair and Jowan into the same place and make them discuss their suspicions like civilised people so that Jowan could prove his innocence. Yeah. THAT worked well.)

Circle mages saved. Circle later freed from Templar oversight in Ferelden, courtesy very grateful ruler.

Appealed to Circle to do Fade ritual so neither Connor nor Isolde had to die; Redcliffe saved; Ashes left undefiled.

Werewolves freed from curse.

Reluctantly sided with Bhelen after hearing both sides of argument because Orzamarr, which spends most of its between-Blight times under siege by darkspawn, probably needs a fairly ruthless ruler. Destroyed the Anvil because ew.

Executed Loghain, put Anora on the throne to avoid a messy rulership transition period at the worst possible time for one.

Got Alistair to do the godbaby ritual thing.

Killed the Architect because she preferred the idea of a limited number of Blights every few hundred years to the idea of that whole mess with the Mother happening once every few months.

Let Morrigan vanish into the eluvian and rode off into the sunset with Alistair for however long they have before their Calling

Random Headcanon:

Neria's hair is very prematurely white because of a magical accident when she was twelve. She tried to throw a shield up when Jowan was practicing flame blasts and it went badly wrong, requiring three days of healing magic and a lot of time to regrow her hair, which came in white. She's tried dyeing it back to her former off-brown, but it never takes.

Neria got taken by the Templars in Denerim market when she was five. She was chasing after a couple of older kids from the Alienage but couldn't keep up, and ran into a human boy who was actually nice to her. So when the bear some idiot had caged up got loose and clawed him, she wanted to help him somehow. Her magic first manifested when she healed the boy, and of course that got the attention of Templars nearby. (That little boy was Alistair, trying to stay out of the way while Eamon was entertaining various nobles. He's not entirely sure that the girl he fell in love with is the same girl who saved his life after he got mauled, so he's never said anything, but he has his suspicions.)

[theholeintheheadcanon]

New Premises

Everyone's got headcanon characters for their customisable RP video game protagonists. Some have one canon; others have several.

Mine are ... loud.

In order to spare my sanity, I created a bit of mental space for my RP video game protagonists to occupy. It turned into a bar, because ... well, clearly I was thinking that alcohol was required (though whether for me, them or both I have no clue). I referred to it as "The Hole in the Headcanon" - I think it had something to do with the fact that every time one of my RP characters spoke up in the back of my head, I tended to inwardly groan, "I need this like I need a hole in the head". And now it has its own blog to keep things a bit tidy.

The regulars here at the moment originate from:

Dragon Age: Origins

Dragon Age 2

Mass Effect

Knights of the Old Republic

Knights of the Old Republic 2

Skyrim (sometimes)

And more will probably follow once I get my Star Wars: The Old Republic account up and running again. More details will follow on each of the characters, and then it's on with the insanity.

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE.