Cooke Spoils Broth: Is Andy as Handy as he Seems?
A recent surge of bile has spread through QUK, and it’s taken the form of something squishy, brown and potently delicious. Andy ‘Would You Like Another Brownie With That?’ Cooke has been found spiking brownies with illicit, performing enhancing drugs.
Eye-witnesses at Valentine’s Cup III have stated fellow competitors have been buying the brownies in a frenzy and inconspicuously ‘Chewing Up’ pre-match. An increase of quaffle points and intensive gameplay, resulting in a high injury quota, lends itself as evidence to support these witnesses.
One particular source, who shall remain nameless, took the express train by dunking in his two-cents with: “Andy’s brownies? Yeah, I’ve heard of them. Nasty stuff. He puts all kinds of powdered substances inside. Some people claim it’s just a sugar high, but my mostachio’d connections in previously high places tell me otherwise.” His babbling paused only momentarily. “It’s Guenz. It’s always Guenz.”
QuidditchUK have gone on record* to fight the substance head-on by randomly selecting ‘quality control’ brownies and testing them pre-match first-hand
Verdict remains out on whether or not the illicit brownies have swept the nation far enough to reach the shoreline and spread to the European constituent. Laurens ‘Have I Weighed In On This Topic Yet?’ Stultjes called an online press-conference** to highlight Belgium’s new policy banning all brownies from future tournaments. It is unclear how this will affect the attendance of Ghent Gargoyle’s upcoming LXG tournament; will the UK boycott it as harshly as Belgium has boycotted brownies? *A complete fabrication. There is no record. **Comments in a high-jacked facebook thread.