wildly searching for meaning in the meaningless

[theinnerwitness]

Can you stand beside yourself when no one is standing there with you?

Can you trust yourself when no one else is validating your decisions.

I keep building up to this place and then running like hell. This time, I’m really trying to stay.

[theinnerwitness]

Focus heroically on what’s good in your life today.

Adapted from Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

[theinnerwitness]

my loves

[theinnerwitness]

It’s been quite a long time since I’ve had anything to say.

I actually don’t (have anything to say). 

But this slice of the internet is mine and I wanted to dust it off. 

So. Here I am.

[theinnerwitness]

autumn alchemy

last Fall I received an invitation to change, wither and fall to be crushed beneath footsteps into my smallest pieces (not quite the right season for burying or planting)

and so I did change wither, and then fall asleep sleeping through the cold gray through the shivering white

but when the crocus broke ground and kept moving further up I stayed somber still

three seasons I slumbered and when summer lingered the unnatural heat ignited me

and so I burned (up, this time) a long awaited brisk golden wind (which I feared might not return) lifted my remnant imbued me with it’s weight & worth and so I rose anew

[theinnerwitness]

*writes journal entry about overuse of phone*  *leads to writing about feelings* *has overwhelming emotional response* *gets back on phone*

[theinnerwitness]

where are You when I'm crying alone in my room?

[theinnerwitness]

Can a person be valuable outside of the ways in which they affect another person? Today marks the beginning of my 29th year of being alive. I am so emotional. It feels like the value of my individual life seems to have rested on the ways in which my life could benefit others. So, can I have value outside of how my life affects others? Do I have intrinsic value in and of myself? Does anyone? So much of my life has answered, "No." I think that's accurate, but also only partial. There's an aspect to this that emphasizes the fact that I'm also not less valuable or worthy than anyone else. I often miss that part. I have the makings of a migraine. I'm done. Good night.

[passivites]

1,400-Year-Old Gingko Tree sheds a spectacular ocean of golden leaves

[theinnerwitness]

some needed beauty

[theinnerwitness]

mood

[heldinhishands]

GOD THERAPY

I haven’t left my bed for days.                                    I play poker with the window. I blame my dizziness               on low blood               sugar.                                 God cleans the sheets     with blue stripes on the edges.                                        Blue is a warm color. I wish I could swallow it.  God brews coffee for my headache                                    and rubs my shoulders. He says, “You should change positions                                             every once in a while.” He says, “It can’t be good for your back.” God pulls out the trundle.                                           He knows not to push my boundaries.                                   My mother calls Him a gentleman                 and the space is comforting.                       He rolls over on His side.     I make pictures on the foggy glass.                      He says, “Did you check out the stars I made tonight?”                               and “Do you want me to keep the TV on?”                    Yes.                              Yes.  “If only you could see what I see.”                               He trembles.                       “I could open your eyes.” I sigh.                             He squeezes the blanket           and I hug my pillow.                                              He looks at me and I push all my chips to the window.                        “Do you just want quiet for awhile?”                    Yes.                    Yes.                    Yes.                                And even in the silence,                              even as I cover                              my ears,      even as the coffee gets cold                         on my nightstand,                     even as He snores on the bottom bunk, my blood pumps                                              a mighty energy                  that I’m still too tired to handle. 

[theinnerwitness]

really wanted to get closer to you

[theinnerwitness]

sometimes I lay in bed at night and I can't breathe

it's as though the sky were actually the ocean floor and a trap door opened

the weight of all that water

I can't get any air into my lungs and all that's buried goes deeper still

two nights ago I wrote a drunken poem

when I awoke, I could feel it

I had left it sitting open on my desk

the torrent that had poured out was still vibrating off the page

it terrified me

and when I finally read it

well,

I'm terrified still

[theinnerwitness]

sometimes when I say, "I miss you." what I mean is that

I miss the person

I wish you would have been

I know you could have been

(but are not)

[theinnerwitness]

sometimes some things hurt the most and all you can do is give yourself permission to feel it for just a little while

[theinnerwitness]

Sometimes poetry erupts in a bloodletting, desperate fashion.

[saintquotes]

Do few things, but do them well. Simple joys are holy.

St. Francis of Assisi (via pureblyss)