Lessons in life, faith, and love.

Trying to become a little better every day and writing about it here.

[thejourneyfurther]

Light to banish the darkness

Personally, I struggle a lot with fear especially around things that are unknown or out of my control. I’m talking about anxiety and the sharp, panicky feeling that can accompany it. While this is not one of my most prized traits, I’ve learned to live with it and to turn this anxious tendency toward a more positive path. 

My anxiety has made me a planner. Instead of obsessing about the steps in a project or the different things that need to go right for something to succeed, I work backward. What is it I want to achieve, what’s the deadline, where are we going? Then what needs to happen to get to the destination? Get it all out, leave yourself a buffer (because Lord knows plans are foolish), and try your best to stick to it. 

And planning is good and all, but despite the plan, my fear threatens to control me. I have the amazing ability to reconstruct an entire conversation in my head and play it on a loop cataloging my every misstep. I’m afraid of doing something wrong or making someone unhappy. If I feed the fear - the anxiety - the darkness, I am not the best version of myself. But if I pay attention, I can recognize that I’m dwelling on the little stuff or that I’m holding on too tight. I can look at myself and say, “Hey you! Stop that. Remember last time when you were so nervous but everything turned out okay?” Remember that you were terrified before but it was so much better in the end. It gets better. It gets easier. It gets brighter. 

I can tell when I’m giving in to the fear and it’s so easy to start spiraling. And on some weird level, it feels good. But it’s not good. I need to remember that and maybe you do too. 

[thejourneyfurther]

Fast forward ~5 years

Well, it’s been a bit. I’ve gone through a couple jobs, a lot of growth, several moves, and nearly five years of marriage. And yet, again, I find myself with more free time. Mandatory telecommuting has become routine. I’m learning to adapt and to see the best in this. Hopefully this time I can commit to more than two posts. 

[thejourneyfurther]

I’m stuck

I’ve been approached about a couple jobs and some look more alluring than others, but I’m afraid to commit to anything. Lately, I’ve had a tendency of getting my hopes up and being let down when the job is either: a) too far away, b) has crap pay, or c) doesn’t want me. To say I’m frustrated is an understatement. Do I choose a job that will pay decently but be potentially unfulfilling, or do I wait until I can see the sparkly beginning of a career?  

[thejourneyfurther]

Welcome.

Today I’ve been married for two months. I’ve been living in a new state for that same amount of time and it’s feeling a little bit more like home. I’ve also been unemployed for quite some time. As a result, I’ve been gifted with a copious amount of free time. 

I think a lot, probably too much, and I’ve decided to get some of those thoughts out of my head.