Weāre getting closer to a full year of living through something that has felt unbearable.
I havenāt been able to see my therapist since February 5thā¦ yeah, do the math. These past 11 months have been the hardest of my life. And lately, I donāt even know what to say anymoreāwhat to feel, or what to do next. Itās like Iām slowly losing pieces of myself, and I donāt know how to stop it.
I know who I am at my core. I know Iām kind. I know Iām loving, and that I give so much of myself to the people around me. But thereās still this quiet, aching part of me that believes I will always be nothing in my momās and my nanaās eyes. That feeling doesnāt fadeāit lingers, no matter how much I try to outgrow it.
Iāve caught myself trying to protect my relationships too from my God awful Family. Trying so hard not to make my partners feel the Weight of what Iām carrying. I donāt want to stress them, overwhelm them, or make them uncomfortable. So I hold it in. I soften it. I sometimes even silence myself to not say anything to them to make them mad it me for saying something.
But they know that doā just not fully. And in the end, Iām the one left holding everything by myself in my toxic household the feeling the good memories. Dad memories and wishing I could have someone here to stick up for me. The way Iām getting treated he be rolling around in his urn. Iām so Overwhelmed. Drained. Completely exhausted. From this life living in Hoover in my childhood home.
I miss the connection I used to feelāthe closeness, the ease, the warmth with the my people I love so deeply. I crave that again.
My body feels all of this too. The nausea comes in waves, leaving me physically weak and emotionally even more alone. Itās like my body is speaking everything I canāt bring myself to say.
I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel like Iām moving forwardā¦ but instead, I feel stuck. Trapped in this house where Iām constantly triggered. Every single day. I flinch. I cry. I brace myself for yelling that can come out of nowhere.
And stillāI keep going.
I clean. I deep clean the house twice a week. I cook almost every night. I vacuum every room. I take care of the dog. I keep everything running.
Not because I have toā¦ but because I want to feel appreciated. Even something smallājust a āthank you.ā Just a moment of being seen.
I hold onto this quiet hope that one day, Iāll feel like I matter again. That Iāll be someone in my familyās eyes. Because right now, it feels like Iām pouring everything I have into people who wouldnāt even notice if I was barely holding on.
And I am barely holding on.
Carrying this pain every single day is exhausting.
If Iām being honest, all I really want is something so simpleā
a soft kiss on my forehead,
and someone to look me in the eyes and tell me,
It might sound strangeā¦ but thereās a little girl inside of me who still feels stuck. Like she never got what she needed. And now sheās living in a 27-year-old body, still searching for comfort, still wanting to feel protected, held, and loved in the ways she always deserved.
Thank you for listening to daily blog today
