It's strange to think that I'm almost a quarter of a century old. And honestly, I should have made this post during my birthday about a month and a half ago, but I just came to a realization that I am, in fact, getting old. 24 is the age you're brain fully develops, it's also the age before you're pretty much legal to do anything, and it's the time of your life (according to our society) where you start your career and look for a future spouse to settle down with.
Well, I've done none of those things. I'm not on a career path. I'm neck deep in college loans. I've never even thought of starting a relationship because I'm not up to standards in terms of finances. And, I still live with my parents. I know, you're not supposed to compare your life to your friends or those around you but, everyone my age seems to be progressing and I'm just kind of stuck again. I thought I found new motivation to start pursuing film but, it's one of those difficult and almost impossible goals. I dunno, usually I'm not this down on myself because recently I've been really motivated to push for film even though it's unorthodox but it's been difficult. I think this is that moment. The point where you're struggling and I KNEW after Korea and Japan that my motivation would slowly dwindle, but I need to get back in the mindset that I CAN succeed, that I AM capable, that GOD has a plan for me and that I need to TRUST Him.
Yes, lately I've also been struggling with my faith and just Christianity as a whole, but I think it's just the devil telling me lies and trying to make me waver from the path less taken. No one said this would be easy and it sure as hell ain't. I'm 24 for shit's sake, that's so damn old now. You know there are kids out there who are 18 that have built hadron colliders and who have created new drugs to cure strange diseases and I'm just here blogging. Again, I should stop comparing, but yes my faith is slowly being restored and I'm really looking forward to this upcoming December retreat at our church. It's also been a long time since I've looked forward to a retreat. The damper that was put on me, made me really unexcited about church retreats. I just literally lost all motivation when in fact, I should have been pursuing God. He literally will make it all clear, and maybe not everything clear but at least steer you the right direction.
Yes, 24 is a strange year. I thought this year would be my year after I thought Korea would be the answer but sometimes God has different plans. I honestly just don't want to let people down. There are many days where I wake up and think, "Golly, I'm still living at home, I don't earn enough money with my college degree, and I'm a failure. There are so many times where I prayed, "God, just let me earn enough to pay my parents back for everything they've done for me. I feel so guilty still living here and leeching off of them. I'm sometimes even too ashamed to admit to some people I still live at home so I lie and say I live elsewhere or not mention it. God, just enough money to pay back my parents and those that have blessed me and made me a better person." And, the more I prayed this prayer the more I started to understand. I just need to start showing love and blessing my parents and those around me. That's it. That's all, it's what Jesus would have done right? He didn't pay people back in money, but in eternal life. Something money could never buy. I think sometimes I get the wrong idea and think so little, and so selfishly when God has the answer right there and he's just like, "Nope, oh! Almost!, aww nevermind. Nope. Nope. oh wait! There you go!" It's just like he's torturing me....but more an exercise so I can learn. I dunno, I actually just had this epiphany pretty recently so I could be wrong but I think I do suffer from a lot of issues especially with wanting to owe people back for my own conscience sake.
But in reality, I'm 24. Let's be real. It's not REALLY THAT old. I've still got a good 60 years if I'm optimistic, ahead of me! That's enough to accomplish great things and change the world. I'm going to continue to pursue God through the thick and thin, pursue my goals through the thick and thin and love those around me, who sometimes are a pain in the ass, through the thick and thin. Because in the end, we are only here for so long and I don't think it's right to waste it on pointless things. I need to be more active, if anything I'm only writing this to motivate myself to achieve the un-achievable and do great thing, because I believe I AM capable and that I'm NOT a loser. I just need better time management and discipline. But don't we all? I'm 24 folks and I can do it.
P.S. Weddings make me really happy. I'd love to be successful and have a big wedding with all of those that have supported me along the way, and maybe you can even quote some of my self-loathing posts during the toasts at my wedding. God bless.
