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[thelasttimeimaskingyouthis]

right where you left me

My therapist tells me I am a dream friend - one that few are lucky to have in their whole lifetime and that so many wish they had. 

If that’s the case, why am I only good for being vented to, giving a listening ear, taking care of animals during your out of town trips, being understanding when I am cancelled on or forgotten or ignored. 

I know what kind of friend I am. 

I am the back burner friend.  

The one who is put off for later, when plans fall through and you realize you’ve forgotten me, but I’m always there - because I didn’t forget about you. And for some reason, I am so desperate to be loved, desperate to be accepted, and I am desperate to be taken off of the burner for a bit. 

You stir me around and scrape off the scorched bits and reincorporate them until I don’t seem like I was left to simmer for too long, and then when you’re done, right back I go. Only to be forgotten and scorched again.

I am the Lazy-Susan friend. 

The friend, similar to that cooking ingredient on your Lazy-Susan, that is only kept around for the rare occasion you need me. You consider throwing me out because you hardly ever use me, but then you remember that I serve you a purpose every now and then. It is simply easier to keep me around for those moments, rather than go out and find a new me. You place me back on the tray, only to spin around and around and around, and I watch myself be picked over, until the day comes when no one else serves you. 

I am the porch light friend.

The one you have no interest in until everything else in your world goes dark, and you draw near to me. the way a moth leeches off of the brightness of a porch light. 

I am not the friend who is first to be thought of, your ride along buddy, the one you write birthday paragraphs about, your soul mate, or your twin flame. 

I am the forgotten one, the understanding one, the one who never complains, the one who doesn’t make you feel horrible for how you treat me - in fact, I actually make you feel better about yourself. I am convenient and helpful in a pinch. You can make promises and plans and I will never make you keep them.

Today, it makes sense to sit at home and not answer texts or calls. Why draw myself out of isolation? At least this way, I am doing it to myself and it’s not at your hand. 

Here’s to the back burner, Lazy-Susan, and porch light people of the world.

[thelasttimeimaskingyouthis]

chickenshit

any shit that we gave about you is being erased, like we were never there and you never wanted us to be

and because i told you how i actually felt for once

for someone so keen on validating others, you dont value the progress you have achieved in making them feel like what they have to say matters

but you did want me there because you will do anything to keep people around you that never make you feel like you’re wrong

as long as i was a sheep, you were fine with me being there

you have yourself to thank for the backbone ive grown 

- behold - the fruit of your labor

and you didnt say a word when you bowed out

what is that word you use to call all of the people who ever did that to you?

was it… chickenshit?

hello, chickenshit.

[thelasttimeimaskingyouthis]

10.10.20

We’re driving to a place we’ve never been.

I listen carefully to the words that you sing.

I trace every detail of your face with my eyes.

I get caught.

You take off your hat and hang it on my knee.

You reach over to hold my hand.

You kiss it sweetly.

Every doubt - every fear - it’s gone.

I can’t imagine life without this.

I can’t imagine life without you.