Day Six: Shock & Auditions (And Other Terrible Puns)
I surprised myself at an audition recently. I know.. that's no biggie for an actor, right? Man oh man, for me it historically is. Auditioning has never been my forte, and it certainly is often something I've struggled to find joy and creativity in. I'm at my best when I'm digging in (hmm...I'm sensing a theme to these blogs..) in the rehearsal process, deepening my understanding and my embodiment of a character, exploring and growing and finding surprises throughout. Auditioning is the part of the job that feels most like a job. Well, worse -- a job interview.
But with this one I surprised myself right off the bat. First of all, I asked for it. I don't often ask for things (a silly and mostly useless by-product of having been a bit of a caretaker type, a bit of a feisty independent, and a bit too proud), nor do I think it's always appropriate to. But this was a kick-ass director and a kick-ass playwright and the role was great and I felt confident that I could do something exciting with it. So I took a risk: I knew the director a little, but she had never seen my work before, so I knew it might have been a long shot and I was super gracious about the request.
When she got back to me saying she thought it was a great idea, it came time to prepare. And I knew I wanted to prepare differently this time, somehow. This was a great opportunity -- this amazing director just stuck her neck out for me, and I wanted to go into that audition room feeling like I was creating something right there. I wanted it to be exciting for everyone in the room. My main concern was letting my inner perfectionist take over -- that I would work hard in preparing, but that I wouldn't work playfully or joyfully.
So I found a healthy balance, and an audition prep regimen for myself I had never quite found before. I worked and worked the lines -- I knew that was something I wanted to be 100% comfortable with so I wouldn't be distracted by the paper in my hand or whether I would drop a line. But for every rehearsal I gave myself that used the "A+" student part of my brain, I gave myself another for playing with the character and the sides completely freely, with no focus on "getting it right" or attachment to any desired outcome. Here I found myself feeling freer in my body, I found I could make all kinds of choices that I'd likely initially judge as wrong, I made a lookbook for myself, and I had fun digging into images and music.
When the day of the audition came I told myself that any direction I got in the room was an incredible gift for me to play with -- that way any feedback or suggestions that would change what I prepared would just be perceived as opportunities for creativity.
I was nervous. I'm always nervous. I dressed in a way that made me feel comfortable and great and suggested all the wonderful things I discovered about the character. And I knew I wasn't giving "the right answer." It wasn't going to be exactly what someone else would bring to the table. In fact, I walked into the waiting room and there was one woman who was about half my height and age, and another woman who was larger and about 10 years older than me. There was no right answer! Oh my gosh what a refreshing thought that was. I focused on my breath. I smiled. I stretched. I felt great. I never feel great here, I thought. The whole experience was a surprise!
And then I went into the room and I felt friendly and confident and funny and, most importantly, I felt like me. Not like what I thought they wanted me to be, or like a little auditioning robot, only there do perform a function correctly. I had fun. That thing they say about seeing the audition as a chance to play that role, even just for a few minutes? I usually think that sounds like a lot of BS, but I felt that way! For reals!
I left feeling great, and most significantly, like no matter the casting outcome, I had just succeeded. Not only did I show myself what I was capable of and discover whole new methods, but I showed up and gave creativity to someone who stuck her neck out for me. What I felt in that room matched the look on her face: delighted surprise.
By Jessica O'Hara-Baker
thelivingartist.tumblr.com
Your Turn Challenge Day Six: A Time When You Surprised Yourself