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@thelongthoughtdotumblerdotcom
Hello from the other side
Happy new year
 Today was a day I feel it. I can feel it further down the rabbit hole reality? WTF sure I guess I mean, I guess I guess I mean sure. 
Still missing . This version of reality im calling the big wiff. I speak only for my self ofcourse . The road is long and my eyes have only just peeked open. Love may be lost and hope dead but from the corpse water flows eternally. Fuck you hope why are you so beautiful. I mean … im sorry i didnt mean it unfuck you. Waking up is easy but waking up with zeel and a spring in your step is a diffrent matter. A gift from a friend a best friend infact keeps me going.i dont know if anyone reads this i hope the do… there you are again hope hi how are you would you like a cup of coffee? Tea? Water?
Most of the times this life thing want me to have having to [redacted]( no one needs to hear that).
I mean there is a bit of negotiating with reality. But fuuuuuuuck i miss [redacted].
Whiney lil bitch… yeah i mean no one will ever hear me say it out loud. This is painful like missing a limb i never knew i had until it was gone.
I love you who ever you are dear reader.
And to you deer reader i salt lick you.
God im [ redacted but rhymes ornery]
Lots of great decisions made in this state blerg.
Miss you…
There might actually be people watching … naw no one reads this … sigh.
What is the fucking point. <- oh there it is .
I feel like crying … I am probably just tired.
Its funny i still pretend like people read this . Not like i update ever . Blerg this is really painful. What do i mean by that? Im not sure it is just a pain in the chest kinda like my heart eating its self just to survive the bleakness .
Dark dark dark.
I was told to bee silly for the sake of … well myself at this point. There isn’t anyone which is kinda my main gripe but then again one has to try for that to be a complaint to be taken seriously.
Forever alone and … happy?
I dont know im just choosing to interpret the pain as happiness it is to dark otherwise and there is no coming back from that particular singularity.
Im listening to miike snow my trigger which is appt because there is a big red button i would love to push (like the music video) in the hopes of blowing it all up but thats stupid .
Im leaning heavily on B C and D subplots given the soupyness it plays out in the brain space. Everything has been done nothing is new except what hasent and what is new. Fuck fuck fuck feels good to say that.
Nothing ever is what we think its just our best aproximation.
I want to talk about love i was a big proponent of it but now im not sure. Its all fighting and maybe you get lucky and you meet someone you vibe with but how long does that last. Time is a funny thing.
I keep looking out in the future and boy oh boy is it [redacted]
I miss my friends i wonder what everyone is doing.
Probably all having sex doing drugs and rocking out to sic jams (lets just ignore reality for a lil here)
Blerg i just want someone i can get in trouble with whatever that means🫠🤪🤪
Fuckit some lesson about loving the trouble you get into with yourself hallmark ending
✌🏻
Among his other activities, [Steve Wozniak] collects phone numbers, and his longtime goal has been to acquire a number with seven matching digits. But for most of Woz’s life there were no Silicon Valley exchanges with three matching digits, so Woz had to be satisfied with numbers like 221-1111. Then, one day, while eavesdropping on cell phone calls, Woz begin hearing a new exchange: 888. And then, after more months of scheming and waiting, he had it: 888-8888. This was his new cell-phone number, and his greatest philonumerical triumph. The number proved unusable. It received more than a hundred wrong numbers a day. Given that the number is virtually impossible to misdial, this traffic was baffling. More strange still, there was never anybody talking on the other end of the line. Just silence. Or, not silence really, but dead air, sometimes with the sound of a television in the background, or somebody talking softly in English or Spanish, or bizarre gurgling noises. Woz listened intently. Then, one day, with the phone pressed to his ear, Woz heard a woman say, at a distance, “Hey, what are you doing with that?” The receiver was snatched up and slammed down. Suddenly, it all made sense: the hundreds of calls, the dead air, the gurgling sounds. Babies. They were picking up the receiver and pressing a button at the bottom of the handset. Again and again. It made a noise: “Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep.” The children of America were making their first prank call. And the person who answered the phone was Woz.
“The World According to Woz” in Wired (September 1998)
Happy day
Good morning.
Lordy lordy
Things keep coming dont they. Hmmm maybe i can regain some semblance of normalcy .
This last year has been absolutely insane…
Apart from Taylor Swift telling me to fuck off and the new - mor - ous fist fights i dont think i ever want to relive this garbage again.
I wont go into details but this years journey on the HMS mental health has been turbulent to say the least.
Not that i wasn’t exacerbating it between [redacted] and [redacted] i was definitely walking the knifes edge.
Tictok was kind of ground zero for people to watch as i unravel. all the posts have been deleted but still it happened.
I had convinced myself of truths that did not hold up to the light about threads long forgotten.
Oh well you live and you learn.
Magic apparently I didn’t lose my number things to be grateful for today
I’ve come to realize that I can’t say that I’ve been sober even though I had about 4 1/2 years I was still planning on going out and wasn’t over it.
That resulted in some fundamentally stupid behavior that I cannot reconcile. I can only hope against Hope that friendship trumps stupid.
I still have a lot of work to do both mentally and all of it. I think I’m gonna take this time and use it instead of what I was doing for the 4 1/2 years of just kind of bidding my time and making plans for the inevitable high.
The frustrating thing that I found was that while sober from substances, I still found other highs and it took me to some pretty dark places.
Now I don’t know if the damage is permanent, I hope not.
I guess only time will tell.
Good morning
Lost my number no one can get ahold of me any more.
I feel incredibly alone right now. There isn’t helped by the fact that my phone carrier is broken and I can’t receive or make phone calls asides from SOS phone calls maybe the people at 911 are lonely and want somebody to talk to.
I think I’m just gonna stay up all night tonight. Sleep doesn’t seem to be helping.
The reality is nothing seems to be helping.
I just want…
Sigh…
Words are garbage.
Even on this blog that is supposed to be an entirely me centered experience I feel selfish saying what I actually feel.
Also, if I say it out loud, it makes it real.
I think I’m hoping beyond hope that at least some person taps the heart on Tumblr.
I mean part of me is just like hoping that maybe some bot somewhere accidentally or is programmed to inflate likes and gives one of my posts a single heart.
I have no expectation of ever going viral on any platform ever.
But just knowing that at least some person or some thing visited my page I mean, I guess I counts for something, but it hasn’t happened yet so yeah.(edit thank you )
 Boil boy yes boil boy God, I love this technology. It seems to never understand any of what I say ever and just makes me laugh immensely. Oh, I just got a notification from Taylor Swift. Still thinking of you. This is torture. This sucks thinking of investing in shotguns or life insurance. JK sorry to take it to a dark place but if I don’t have a place to take it to a dark place to take it to a dark place to take it to a dark place to Yada yada yada .
I mean, Taylor is right torture and what not …