secret anamia

22 years old(21+ no minors plz)| artist| pronounce_her/she| sw:109 Gw:80 ugw:60

[thelostgirldiaries]

I used to think falling apart over a boy was dumb until I did. Now here I am contemplating staying because of the hurt he left behind and everything loving him entails. He is happy healthy and has moved on and I'm stuck. I feel broken in ways I don't know how to fix. He has no idea how much effect he has on me. How his indifference kills me. How his words play on a loop in my mind. I don't wanna love him I wanna cut his name out my heart. I've been in love with him too long. I fear he looks at me and feels pitty and that's worse than hate than any other emotion. Every night, I pray that I'll wake up and I won't ache for him. The pain slows time a moment feels like eternity. An eternity of hurting till you find yourself willing to do anything to make it go away. And nothing helps, this hurt has stayed too long. And your tired of hurting and missing and loving. So you sit and sit and sit and wait.

[thelostgirldiaries]

Am I the only person that feels like I'm suppose to have my shit together now, especially because I struggled with my mental health since I was a kid. I'm 23 now and im still struggling, am I not suppose to have it all figured out by now. What do you do when even mental health professionals don't know how to help you. Does that mean you're screwed. When you struggling with you mental health in your teens or adolescents years ppl look at you with kindness and willingness to help when you still struggling in your 20s they start to look at you with disdain and say shouldn't u have outgrown this by now. You start to feel lost and alone and too scared to say anything. So here I am, 23 years old, still struggling with the same shit I did when I was 14. Maybe it doesn't get better...

[thelostgirldiaries]

I'd forgot what it's like to be in my mind unmedicated(I don't think that's a word) I'd forgotten how loud it is and how quickly the weather changes. how sad I was and empty lost and lonely...the pills kept all the bad thoughts away but they made me gain weight...so guess I'm choosing skinny

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

cw-100kg (gw1 meet)

gw2-90

[thelostgirldiaries]

I'm writing this here because I need to say something, and I can't say it to the people in my life. There's too much at stake. I relapsed, and I'm scared I'm falling into old patterns. I can't lose control. There's too much at stake, but I needed to exhale. There was so much pressure building up inside me. There was a slight sting then a rush of warmth, then came the release, the big exhale and the I was okay but the pressure will start Building up inside me again. Then I'll need to exhale, round and round and round I go. It's a never-ending cycle. I'm running out of space. Soon, if not already, I'll be nothing but scars. Is there a way out?

[thelostgirldiaries]

Stats

Sw:111 kgs

Cw:108,6

Gw1:100

Gw2:80

Gw3:60

Ugw:55

Disappointed to say I haven't lost much the past 2 weeks

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

Today I over did it. family events are the hardest, it's my sister's birthday tomorrow...and today she wanted to celebrate too and I failed...I ate so much and I'm having a weigh in tomorrow at my gp and it's all f***ef. I was doing so well and I gave in and it wasn't even worth it I can't even take it out it Won't come up...everything is just so f***ed rn.

[thelostgirldiaries]

Coffee is Godsent

[thelostgirldiaries]

[thelostgirldiaries]

I had a panic attack today...it probably lasted a few minutes, but it felt like forever. I wonder if I'll ever be able to fix what he broke. That night, I died a little. The worst part is that I still love him. My body still misses his arms around me. I used to feel so safe in those arms. Now, I'm stuck between yearning for his embrace and never wanting to feel his arms around me ever again. I'm lost and I wonder if I'll ever find my why home. I'm empty, and I dont know where I went... There's nothing left.

[thelostgirldiaries]

It's exhausting to be constantly at war with yourself. I'm scared I'll start drowning again, I keep thinking I've learned how to swim, but the waves keep crushing down on me, the ocean pulling me in every direction. I'm lost, and sometimes I just want to let go.

[thelostgirldiaries]

Today my mum gave me a speech about how I'm eating too much coz I woke up at 5am to get food. Now I'm wondering if I shouldn't have eaten...I couldn't take the burning anymore...I hadn't eaten in a while and now I feel weak for eating in the first place...