TheLuna WhoOnceLoved

Greetings! Thank you for coming into my blog. Tbh, all that you will see are my experiences, thoughts and feelings. I'm not asking for advice. Just enjoy.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I carry alot of anger inside of me.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

The type of new wound I am trying to heal is the one where I realized I never got the love I deserved.

Hugs were rewards for me.

Compliments needed to be earned.

I had to always compete with others.

Continuously compared if I did a mistake or lashed out.

I couldn’t speak my mind or have a say.

I’ve grown tired and distant.

I finally said no. I stopped.

I was completely shunned.

I understand the loneliness i’ve always felt.

Where it was rooting from.

The loneliness that I feel now is new, though.

I now crave for love like an addict.

But I won’t look for it. I won’t chase it.

But my god, do I want it.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

My tree was green as it should be

It was fertilized with love and reassurance

These “professional” gardeners expanded its self and made it believe it was stronger

As time changed, it was time to prune it.

The leaves changed color.

It seemed drier?

How odd. It’s being taken care of “right”

The further I analyzed. What water was it given?

It wasn’t a good one i’ll tell you that.

It took some time, but my tree took color again.

And once again. Those “gardeners” got it derooted.

“For its well being!” They said.

My tree isnt looking good now.

It looks pale…it looks like its dying…

Nice people came and sprinkled this and gave it that.

It looks like its working, but slowly…and its looking wilted….

Maybe if I pour it water? No…

Maybe if I talked to it? No…

HOW FRUSTRATING!!!

My tree started moving its roots…

Did it decide to make its come back?

Wait…why is it leaving?!!!

“My tree…my dear tree..Where are you going?”

“I’m searching for something more.”

My tree decided to leave. I guess to a more nourishable place?

I’m just sad…because I feel like I can’t go with it.

So there I am seated…where my tree used to be.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

Have you ever seen a broken soul?

Their eyes is so faded, no spark.

The place that carried their very essence has grown dark and hollow.

Cold in the way they speak

Cold in the way they express

They sound like robots, very monotone

Their favorite food or beverage doesn’t bring joy

No smile whatsoever, just a blank expression

Eventually, the bags under their eyes turn dark and their skin looks pale.

No glow, just sick.

Have I ever seen a broken soul?

I have and their looking right at me. 🪞

[thelunawhoonceloved]

What do they add into your life other than feelings and laughter?

[thelunawhoonceloved]

When you are asked, “What do you like about them?”

Do you get stumped?

[thelunawhoonceloved]

The sound of your name.

The memories of your smile.

The warmth of your embrace and the smell of your cologne.

I remember it vividly.

I remember how your hands felt on mine.

How nervous you were when I smiled and acted like I didn’t know how you felt.

My heart is finally at peace, love.

Peace of your absence.

Peace of your decision.

I wanted to contact you and let you know.

But I couldn’t move.

I couldn’t speak.

I guess, its okay not to reach out for that.

To continue living in the unknown…

Be happy my love.

Because I am finally able to say, “I am happy to let go”

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I am overwhelmed with emotions.

My mind is blank.

My face feels numb.

The world is spinning fast around me.

Time isn’t stopping.

I cant breathe.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

Life has odd ways to show me I am loved.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I feel like im about to lose my mind

How can I label what I can not see

Can not express

I feel nauseated

My head hurts

My body aches

The voices in my head are screaming at me

I want to rip my skin off

I cant stop digging my nails into my skin.

I make sure not to break skin. No, I cannot have someone asking me why.

Negative thoughts is over circuiting my brain.

I want to rip my hair out

Please make this headache stop

Please just

Shut

Up

[thelunawhoonceloved]

At times I feel ready to move on.

To move foward and not stare back at the past.

At times I believe I am happy again.

At times I find myself living life again.

But it takes just one thought of you.

And then I feel your absence.

My doubts come flooding in.

I wonder if I fear moving forward, but I know that’s not it.

Oh, how I dream to start loving again.

And not have you chained to me.

Ever again.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I just woke up one day and the pain wasn’t felt anymore. It’s kind of weird because…I think I miss it..

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I’m annoyed at how my resolve has wavered with the thought of there being a possibility of seeing you again.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

The last piece of you that I held on really left me.

As I sit on my bed, numb.

I realized you really left me.

I realized that the years I gave you really meant nothing.

I realized that the hope and dreams I had were thrown across my feet, it was nothing to you.

The loved that I poured wasn’t enough. I feel like I was not enough for you.

I feel defeated. Im tired.

The last piece of you that you tore away from me stung. I didn’t make the effort to cry. The tears came pouring. Warming up my numbed face.

What did I do?

God…I only fell in love. I only fell in love..

Why do they get to be happy? What did I do.

I only gave my heart and it was not enough…

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I’m tired of healing what I did not damage.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

At times, I don’t want to heal

At times, I don’t want to be the bigger person.

Heck, I want to be selfish and think about myself all the time.

I want to turn bitter and hate the world

I want to burn bridges and destroy things in my path

I don’t want to make amends. I wanna scream and cry bloody murder

but all I really am feeling is anger at the pain and the hurt

At the scar that I never deserved

At the fact that I lack the thing I NEED the most.

I dont want to give it to myself

I crave it outwards

Sometimes the hunger is unbearable

The thirst is implorable

But ive begged for so long I grew tired

So I’ve done it on my own.

When someone is kind to start showing it, I feel that fire within me burning again. That hate.

Who do you think you are to start giving it to me NOW.

I needed it before, I don’t need it now.

I am numb to it.

But I guess that’s why I can’t share that side anymore. I gobbled it whole.

Don’t you dare say I can start now. Because I buried it 6ft down and I already mourned.

Let me sleep now.

For tomorrow I will try and live again and then, just then, will I meet with this rage next month and I will feel this curse all over again.

[thelunawhoonceloved]

I feel alot and nothing at the same time.