a dashboard

a wall of unorganized thoughts

[themarvelousbreadfish]

novel excerpts

[themarvelousbreadfish]

they ask if i'm okay, ask what's wrong but no one's really actually bothered? it's just until that. empty words will become the death of me

[themarvelousbreadfish]

The Concept of Traveling

Up in the sky is where I am now

Heading anywhere else but here

A place i've only thought about till now

What is it about escaping the familiar?

Why do people love doing it so much?

Traveling is a need now more than a want

Because people love to escape

Escape from what though?

The routines they relive everyday?

Familiar faces and distinct surroundings?

Usual interactions, how they don't change

And rules to abide by all the time

I let myself get lost in thought sporadically

Because all that now i'm doing

Phasing out with everything that's for me

All of it because i'm scared to face reality

I look out the window and see nothing

Just blue and a speck of white, I smile

That means i'm going somewhere

Am I really though? That's the illusion

The concept of traveling is extraordinary

A temporary break from the life

The life you're supposedly living

To go about and pretend to be another

Because you wont be yourself

Moving one place to another

Having no time to worry

Or to think about whats next

No people around to bother you

No one's feelings you'd have to care for

Think only about you and what you'd do next

I keep moving, constantly pretending

Every place you go to you feel great

All things new, nothing remains the same

I smile for i've been doing this a while now

From one place to another you escape

I run away from the life I am given

That's the catch though, it's mine

its whats i am meant to be living

My smile fades away, for i know

Soon i'll run out of places to run away to

Considering of going back now?

To the place i was meant to stay in?

Have I ever thought about staying?

Working things out and living?

Have I ever though about loving?

Considered being with the familiar?

Feeling constantly happy with routines?

Of course, and thats exactly why

I love the concept of traveling

[themarvelousbreadfish]

sa gitna ng mga linya

Isang malamig na hangin ang humaplos sa pisngi ng dalawang magkasama. Wala nang gising sa oras na iyon ngunit silang dalawa, walang bahid ng antok na nadarama. Nakatitig ang babae sa lalaki habang umiiyak. Nangangatog siya, hindi malaman kung dahil sa lamig o sa hapdi ng nadarama. Mga kamay na dating laging nakakapit, ngayon hindi alam kung saan ilalagay. Ang mga mata tila'y gripo dahil sa tuloy tuloy na daloy ng kalungkutan. Halos hindi na maibuka ang mga mata dahil sa maga. Ngunit pilit niyang tinititigan ang kung ano ang nasa harapan.

[themarvelousbreadfish]

12/18/17

i think i finally have a dream

[themarvelousbreadfish]

“as long as the sun rises it’s a new day

as long it rises, i will love you

i don’t know what i’d be without you”

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

if i keep crying the pain away every time

would the bad feelings stop coming?

ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

The Neutortic Sensation on the Start of Something Unfamiliar

Under blinding lights we walk together but separately

Arms brushing against each other's, ignoring, but hardly

The first time we smiled, I felt a rush in me too, all over

Though, don't want to go anywhere just yet but here

This situation, I've never thought of, I was never familiar

Hardly, but this indubitable sensation, being here

I can not deny, is the first time ever, that I felt true

Love and emotions have never left where they were

Inside of me, and everyday, I feel them in confinement

Telling myself i'm just unsure when I knew what I wanted

Hopeful for a future, and family and a life of pure bliss

Just waiting for the moment when things fall into place

Now, today, i'm out in the world, with a person of chance

A chance of love, and hurt, and everything in between

But for a moment I don't look forward, just here, now

Looking up at the night sky and the street lights

Down at the ground, at my steps and then his as well

Then at him, I look at him lucky for even just a chance

The world is on my side, and I will not ever go alone

A new phase in my still life soon will inevitably begin

Not rushing things but surely hopeful for what's ahead

All is anticipated and I can not deny that i'm frightened

But for the first time, these choices are all of mine

With my heart strong and ready, I will face the imminent

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

pano kapag kailangan mo ng akap ng isang tao

pero hindi na niya ito kaya pang ibigay sayo?

Ito ba ang pakiramdam ng pangungulila?

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

words that echo inside my head are not my own;

but yours, “you wont have to go through life without me”

those used to calmed me, but now they have me screaming

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Hung Up

I saw a stranger today, but this one far more significant

He waved at me and smiled like it was supposed

But I stared and scanned his face dissecting its details

Studying important parts for me to forcibly remember

“Hi” he voiced out and I felt a shot of electricity in me

I smiled, it seemed natural, i used to do this before

His scent flooding my nostrils and then suddenly it hit

My once best friend and the then love of my life

Standing here, with me but I struggled to remember

I don’t wonder why because aside from him I remember

The day I loathed and suffered, I remember

When he left me for the sake of a life that’s quieter

Now I look, not just look, stare at him, I remember

“Your face,” I said “i tried to forget so much,

That face that once looked in my eyes and spoke

Eventually turned away, changed, and broke me”

“Im sorry,” that’s the only thing he could mutter

I wanted to turn away and seize the opportunity,

To show the world that I knew what I was worth

But I stood there, feet sturdy on the ground and sighed

He turned away and then I again remembered

How I let this happen to me once and then again

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Foster Care

Nang ako'y pumasok sa buhay mo

Hindi mainit ang iyong pagtanggap

Baka dahil ang dating ko'y biglaan

O kaya dahil isip mo'y hindi ako hiniling

Ganito man ang aking nadatnan

Hindi ko na tinangka pang pigilan

Ang pagtanging alam kong mararamdaman

Sinikap kong ibigay ang lahat saiyo

Ngunit mali pa ang iyong nakikita

Kahit konting pansin ay hindi ko nakuha

Sapagkat puso mo'y ayaw mo ibuka

Matagal na pagtitiis ang aking sinapit

Pero kahit minsan hindi nagsisi

Na ako'y sayo'y nagpupumilit sumiksik

Sapagkat alam kong ika'y bigay saakin

Siguro nga ikaw din ay natauhan

Napagtanto ako'y andito kailanman

Di tumagal, sa wakas akin rin naramdaman

Ang pagmamahal na matagal nang inasam

Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang ligaya

Noong una kong natikman ang iyong yakap

Siguro nga ikaw din ay natauhan

Dahil ang lahat ng akin dati'y pinangarap

Unti-unti at lahat, ito rin ay naranasan

Hindi ko maipaliwanag ang gaan ng loob

Noong saiyong pagiyak ako ang kinapitan

Salamat at naramdaman ko na ako'y pinili

Kahit sa ganung dahilan, ako'y kumapit

Pero alam ko naman hindi pwede magtagal

Dahil hahanap rin tayo ng ibang patutunguhan

Mula umpisa naman sinabi na

Na hindi ito pangmatagalan

Dahil hanggang dito lang ang abot

Hanggang dito lang ang kaya mo ibigay saakin

Ngunit kahit na alam kong may dulo

Meron parin sadyang naguudyok sakin

Sinasabing magkasama tayo sa hinaharap

Kahit may iba nang pamilyang kasama

Pero bakit kaya pinatatagal ang ganito

Alam ko naman, dahil ako'y bigay sayo

Di natin kailan man malalaman bakit ito lang

Kung bakit ito lang ang panahon na nakalaan

Pero tatanggapin ko ito ng buong puso

At magpapasalamat kasi kahit papano

Kahit ganito, alam kong minahal mo ako

At sa panahon kailangan na nating magbukod

Tanggap ko na magkaiba tayo ng tungo

Kahit hindi sigurado kung saan ako sunod

Andito parin ako para sayo

Sapagkat ika'y bigay sa akin

Kahit na hindi maipaliwanag ang sakit

Isasantabi ko muna ang lahat ng pighati

Makuha ko lang ang oras na ito ngayon

Na makasama ka na ganito,

Walang iba kung hindi ikaw at ako

Kaya sa pagkakataong ito pakiusap,

Hayaan mo muna ako'y maging sayo

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Seeing Stars

Remember that time? When it was all dark outside You hoped for a day For even just a small light that would peak through all the clouds

At days gloomiest thats when i want you much more we’d listen for rain and hope that time would stop then so we’d never say goodbye

the bed would be cold if you left me all alone i’d never want that id be left longing for warmth that which only you can give

stay with me today beside me where i feel you hold on to me tight just feel everything right now and forget all thats around

i love the feeling i only get it with you even just one look you send shivers all over always leaving me breathless

i know i want this to feel magic with you our love has become something beyond expected and i love every moment

and yes waking up its never felt so easy but being with you everything seems possible you got me to believe it

i want to tell you my world’s never been brighter all thats sad and dull seem to go when youre around you are my only sunshine

now i rarely see the grey and dull days i lived you showed me a life where theres always a bright side i cant thank you enough love

i wont ever stop returning the smiles you give you make me forget all that there is to worry because you take care of me

this is all for you and by all this i mean me i am all for you ready to love you the best to be with you where ever

so close your eyes tight and let me love all of you til you fall asleep trust me, i will hold you love until the time you wake up

good morning my love look up at the sky my love all thats bright and good take a breath and walk on today was made just for you

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Ellipsis

All throughout your life they say You fall in love with three people I never believed it but here, i’ll tell This is a poem about how I fell in love

It’s true, I fell in love three times None of which really ended or lasted I’ve kept them with me, the feeling Of pure bliss and of dull heart aches And tears of absolute joy and of sadness Love i’ve stored from the first time fell A magical story my heart wants to tell

The first, we thought would last a lifetime Same love forever, just like a fantasy Then comes the second, the hardest one Every moment kept leading to the end And finally third, being etched unexpected Brought confusion and also lot of fear But that what’s magical about it

At first I dreamed, no, we dreamed Of a love that would stay together Blinding ourselves with the struggles Those of which the real world holds We lived in a fantasy, our fantasy Having our own world just proved How much we loved each other

Then I fought, no, we fought Of a love that would stay together Opening our eyes to the struggles Those of which the real world brings We lived flat on the ground, here Fighting to be with the other proved How much we loved each other

Then the last I’ve never anticipated Hoping again love would stay together Balancing out dealing with struggles Those of which life dared to bring We lived mid-air keeping the other up Living as if the world’s ours to control Choosing each other every time proved…

I fell in love three times, only three None of which really ended or lasted Because I never let anything go or stay The people I fell in love with, let me tell Weren’t the same the first time and the last Changes inevitably happened and stayed But all throughout, love seemed familiar

I fell in love three times, and those times All with the same person This is a poem of how I fell in love with you Again and again and again

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Lock From the Outside

I’ve been here all my life Never admitting that I’m trapped I feel like I shouldn’t complain Since I’m provided everything I should be satisfied, this is normal

The doors open but only for a short time I can see the chance to go out I know I could grab it when I want to But I couldn’t force myself to I fear a fair amount of things

I fear judgment I fear unfamiliarity I fear inconsistency I fear drastic change I fear for my reputation to change

The door opens less often than I thought it would I glance at the outside each time Staring a bit longer at times Wondering when I’ll ever come out Or if I’ll ever come out

The world outside seems fun for some I can see the smile on their faces But the others I see Grieve and pound on the places that kept them Because once you get out, you’re out

I don’t think you could ever be ready, If going outside means having a different life So I just stay here inside and hide who I am Sitting on the floor of the closet That’s locked from the outside

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

“Do you love me?” she asks often, looking up

Arms wrapped tight on what she loves

She smiles as she asks again and again

And again, knowing the answer each time

Confident it wouldn’t change, proud even

Realized she loved him more than herself

“Yes” he always answered, looking down

At what’s clinging on to him for love

He laughs because it asks again and again

And again, knew the answer each time

but every time he was asked he grew unsure

And got bothered by how deep he’s fallen

-ncl

[themarvelousbreadfish]

Love is about being yourself and more than yourself.

ncl