THE MEDIOCRE HERALD

Where Olds meets News

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Enemy Crab Causes Massive Damage

Residents Shell Shocked By Feral Crab Invasion Parks Victoria have been inundated with calls for help after a man inadvertently unleashed a shipping container loaded with Christmas Island red crabs into bushland around Horsham last week. The crabs, which are suspected to number in the thousands, have been devouring crops and young livestock in the area. The damages are estimated to be upwards of twenty million dollars, with many land owners unsure whether insurance agencies will cover their losses. There is concern that the crabs may cause damage to infrastructure, with SES volunteers responding to one instance of a crab severing underground electrical cables. Police are investigating the matter, though it is uncertain whether the man, who has not been named, will face prosecution. It is not yet known why the crabs were in the container or from where it was shipped. Parks Victoria fear that the queen crab may have gone to ground, in which case it could take a decade long effort to bring the feral crustaceans under control. “Once she starts to lay, there’s a high chance that more queens will hatch and spread out even further across rural Victoria,” said Parks Victoria spokesperson Oscar Karkinos. “This isn’t the first time feral crabs have wreaked havoc in rural areas. But it’s by far the largest infestation we’ve ever seen.” Residents in the area are being advised to wear protective clothing and report any crab sightings.

More details to come.

[themediocreherald-blog]

From Straya with Love

Brandis wiped his glasses on his shirttails, smearing grease over the lenses as Abbott ran a gelid talon across his bald, sweaty forehead; that sopping, fleshy dome girt by a wiry grey down. “Triggs will be dealt with presently, my precious minion,” Abbot intoned, pulling Brandis closer. The Attorney-General gasped – an exhalation of fear and passion. His bowels were uncomfortably tight and the weak force of a struggling erection pulled at the brittle elastic of his discoloured Y-fronts. The varicose veins on his legs prickled with cold as his trousers fell down to his ankles. “My, my lord...” Brandis stuttered. Abbot’s tongue slathered wetly over the nape of George’s horrent neck, matting the hair with thick, sticky saliva. “Silence, minion!” Abbot hissed, angered by Brandis’ pitiable anxiety and feebly straining penis. “This is my country. This is my legacy!” Abbott lifted Brandis up by the front of his shirt. Brandis hung there, his skinny pale legs dangling weakly beneath him, the bottom of his gut rubbing sensually against his terror-induced erection. Abbott’s nostril slits flared and a shudder ran through his cadaverous body. He was clad only in a Union Jack codpiece, studded with diamantes in the form of the Southern Cross.    “And you are mine, Brandis. Never forget that,” Abbott growled. The stench of Brandis’ fear rose heavily up into his nasal cavity as Abbott threw him heavily on the cluttered desk. The bald man scrabbled off the side and prostrated himself at his Prime Minister’s webbed feet. “My lord! My master!” George whimpered. With a high-pitched sinister laugh, Abbott viciously kicked Brandis in the side. The man slumped over, twitching. “Pleasure yourself before me, worm!” commanded Abbott, undoing the buckles of his codpiece.                                                           ***             Brandis was huddled naked in the corner of the room. Abbott sneered at him and, with an air of smug satisfaction, sat back in his throne to survey live footage of the construction of the recently approved Rhine-Hole; the world’s largest open-cast coal mine, crossing several states and expected to increase global temperatures by a balmy 4° Celsius within the first year of functioning. Gina’s bulbous loins strayed into Abbott’s thoughts, sending a pulse of painful pleasure through his blood-stained member. The woman was vile, even to him. She stank like Katter’s hat and snorted like Beazley and Latham tag-teaming Rudd. But she was essential to his plans. Oh, yes. Soon Russia would melt and his nemesis, Putin, would be forced from the cold walls of the Kremlin – forced into the Prime Minister’s waiting embrace. Putin! How he ached for the man. How his crotch tensed in longing, how anticipation seeped down the side of his leg! Tony Blair was a withered husk after but a month of Abbott’s carnal attentions. Surely Putin would have the fortitude required to sate Abbott’s infernal lust.    

[themediocreherald-blog]

Social Media Facebookoff

New Australian Social Media Fails to Excite Touted as the “All-Australian Facebook”, social media site Matebook-o suffered a dismal launch yesterday, to the dismay of shareholders and proponents of the site. The website, which has been described as “Facebook if it existed in the 80s” and “Powered by Soviet Era technology”, crashed several times during the day and at one stage exposed users’ passwords and other private details. Despite a shaky start, Matebook-o has been a huge success in Tasmania, primarily due to the site’s 56k friendly interface. “It’s a ****ing rippa! I can finally share vids an’ pics with me cus all the way in Devonport,” said user Darrel, also from Devonport. The most popular profile on the site is that of Prime Minister Tony Abbott, who used the platform to denounce native Australians and women.

[themediocreherald-blog]

Super Black Market

Aldi Trolley Tokens Sustaining Black Market Economy

Aldi trolley tokens have formed the basis for a new black market economy in Melbourne and surrounding suburbs. Victoria Police say that the tokens are being traded for illegal drugs and in some cases firearms.  "We've been working with Aldi to identify any suspiciously large trolley token purchases," said Sergeant Darrel Smith. "One Aldi store in Moorabbin had a customer purchase over seventeen tokens," he said. "But it turned out to be for legitimate purposes." "It's hard to tell with these things. We don't want to inconvenience innocent shoppers," he said. Aldi dismissed rumours that it would introduce a "one-token-per-shopper" policy, saying that it won't punish its customers for the actions of criminals. Nevertheless, the issue is of growing concern to many councils, with one North Melbourne suburb calling for an outright ban on trolleys. "They already don't give you plastic bags," said one Aldi customer. "How're we supposed to get our shopping out?" she said.

[themediocreherald-blog]

Drinky Bill

Drunk Animal Articles Australia's Favourite A recent government-funded study has concluded that news articles about intoxicated animals are by far the most popular among Australian consumers. The seven year study gathered data from media providers and by looking in people's windows while they were watching television after dinner. "We noticed by chance that paper sales went up drastically after a drunk pig caused chaos on the Hume highway," said Professor Dianne Neeses from the ANU. "After that, we intentionally intoxicated animals and put them in newsworthy situations to test our theory." "About 70 percent of drunken animal stories are government initiated," she said. The findings have raised concerns among animal welfare groups that media companies may try to take advantage of the market by intoxicating animals. "I think the problem is that Australians are willing to accept this poor standard of journalism. It only encourages the media," said Wally Rogers, a volunteer at the newly established Alcoholic Animals Anonymous centre in Epping. "It's like encouraging a stupid child to wreck things because you find it funny," he said. Despite these concerns, the federal government is hailing the study as a huge step forward. "With the new metadata laws, we intend to expand our studies exponentially. Ideally, all drunken animal stories will be provided by the government," said a LNP spokesperson.

[themediocreherald-blog]

Science Shells Out

Slug/Snail Hybrid Marks Renewed Scientific Interest Scientists working for the CSIRO have managed to successfully breed a slug/snail hybrid.

The advancement comes after a long series of setbacks in the Australian scientific community, including the failed “Solar Powered Windmill” initiative, which saw some farmers lose up to 20 percent of their annual crop yields.

“It’s really put science back in the spotlight,” said Professor Dirk Douglas. “When we show kids the hybrid, they want to learn how to breed their own.”

Religious groups are outraged at the advancement, saying that it places humankind at undue risk.

“The Bible said Adam and Eve, not snails and slugs!” said one churchgoer. The government has dismissed criticisms of the project, saying the advancement offers clear benefits for all Australians.  

[themediocreherald-blog]

Murder Shirota

Shirota Strain Claims New Victim The death toll from the outbreak of the deadly Lactobacillus casei Shirota strain has today risen, bringing the total dead to 14. The Shirota strain, originally confined to small plastic bottles sealed with foil, has spread rapidly throughout Australia.  It was first detected 5 days ago, when a Sydney businessman was admitted to Sydney Private Hospital with symptoms. Scientists are blaming the outbreak on the sale of fermented milk products infected with L. casei Shirota. "It beggars belief that the government hasn't put proper systems in place to prevent this sort of outbreak. You can just walk into a store and buy these containers," said bacteriologist Professor James Cane. "But I think the culture of consuming fermented milk products is as much to blame as anything," he said.  The LNP is blaming the previous Labour government for the outbreak.

[themediocreherald-blog]

Mootorist Mayhem

Man Drives Off Road Due To Very Large Cow Part of the Princes Highway was closed early this morning when a man drove off the road. "I was driving along when all of a sudden I saw a really big cow in the fields," said the man, who was shaken but in a stable condition. "It was the biggest cow I've ever seen. It was well beyond the size I'd expect a cow to grow," he said. Witnesses say that the man seemed dumbstruck as they pulled him from the wreckage. "I thought he was on ice or something," said one man at the scene. "You see it on the radio all the time, idiots driving on ice. So I thought that's what happened." "But then I saw the cow too," added the man, making a gesture with his arms in an attempt to express how large the cow indeed was. The owners of the cow, Mr & Mrs Heather, said that this wasn't the first time their cow had caused a traffic incident. "We've asked the council time and again to make a safe viewing area, or to at least put up appropriate signage," said Mr Heather. "We tried to put a tarp over her but we couldn't find one big enough," he said.