"TAKING MY BREATH A SOUVENIR THAT YOU CAN KEEP"
LEE HEESEUNG x ƒ! reader
‒ souvenir. (m) series.
✎ [45k+ words]
chapter V. [7.7k]
read chapter I
read chapter II
read chapter III
read chapter IV
read chapter V
masterlist.
⨯ ㅤㅤㅤrated: ── r, contains depictions of extreme violence, soft gore, mature sexual content, emotional turmoil, torture, brainwashing, death, and existential crisis. reader discretion is advised.
⨯ ㅤㅤㅤtheme: ── assassins au!, action, angst, romance, and eventual smut. slow-ish burn. y/n is very stubborn and very distrustful. special appearances of ot7 enha.
⨯ ㅤㅤㅤsynopsis: ── what a predicament. reaching for the hand of the one who should be pointing a gun at your head instead. you of all people, no one. a shadow with no past and no future, a puppet to a bigger machine, who followed the rules and orders so thoroughly. how reckless of him, or perhaps, how reckless of you. ㅤ
⨯ ㅤㅤㅤan: after what seems like forever, chapter six is here to greet you. some content warnings for this chapter: noncon drug use, and explicit sexual content (finally, we all cheered). this chapter comes like a kiss to the cheek, i might say. i struggled a little to get to it, given how much needed to happen for our y/n to finally be able to let go. i am so happy you are all enjoying this series up until here, may i say, the next chapter is a pivotal moment in this series, and i am looking forward to sharing it with you all. as always, thank you so much for reading the stories i come up with, it means the world when i get your comments, your reblos and likes, my heart is full and my inspiration is renewed. please like, coment and reblog so this can get to the right people, and as always, see you in the next chapter, xoxo.
The silence was dreadful.
He made sure to stay at least two feet away from you for the remaining hours in that room once he came back. Giving you a sandwich he had picked up at a convenience store and some coffee. He didn't speak, he didn't even look at you, and it made your insides twist uncomfortably.
When the time came, Heeseung got up, checking his gun one more time, like he had done the whole rest of the evening, and then he was looking at you.
You only nodded, standing and following him out the door.
When the night air of Tokyo met you, the sound was overwhelming, a stark contrast to the silence that had permeated for the last two and a half hours inside that room, and somehow, you appreciated the chaos more than that.
Heeseung didn't take the convenient route, opting to take back alleys and go through back doors. You only followed, taking mental notes along the way, memorizing the path as you were trained to. Each dark hallway you walked into, each restaurant kitchen you passed through. One after another, you took a mental picture, gripping your gun tightly, making sure you were aware of your surroundings.
You were breathless after half an hour. Heeseung was slick on his feet, fast, just like you had already noticed, but watching him slip in and out of places unnoticed, somehow made you lighter on your feet, trying to keep up with him, matching his pace. He didn't glance back once to see if you had been left behind, and even if that sent an uncomfortable feeling down your spine, you knew it was better this way.
After what you counted could only be another hour of walking, sneaking, hiding your faces, avoiding small crowds, Heeseung stopped in front of an abandoned three-story building. The outside was falling apart, with leakage and rust coating the walls. He looked around, eyes lifting to something before your eyes followed. It was a camera disguised as a street lamp. If you had only glanced at it, you couldn't tell, but paying close enough attention, you could see the little red light. You heard something unlock, and Heeseung was pushing the door open. Only then did he look back as you made your way in, and you don't know why you avoided his eyes when you walked in.
You went up the stairs, taking note of the hallways, doors barred, one after the other, thick chains on them. No light, no noise. Just the echo of your footsteps as you went up, one floor, two floors, then the last. He walked to the very last door, also barred, also chained, your brows furrowing before he waited, and the sound of an electronic lock sounded in the silent hallway.
It came open whole, with the bars and chains, thick, heavy door being pried open by a tall boy with raven black hair, sharp eyes, and a built frame. He eyes Heeseung with subtle annoyance and relief, then you, sizing you up and down.
"Come in." His voice was deep, low, manly. And you followed Heeseung inside, unprepared for what awaited.
The walls were thick and covered in sound-isolation panels; the room was large, with no walls separating other rooms except for one, a bathroom, with the door open. The ceiling was high, painted dark, and the windows all covered in thick wood, except for one, on the far end of the room, letting in the city and moonlight. Against one of the tall walls stood a large table, with computer screens glowing green and blue, a single office chair in front of it, and several empty, tipped-over takeaway coffee cups. On the other end were two single beds: one unmade, with white sheets tossed over it; the other, pristine, perfectly made.
"Took you fucking long enough." The boy grumbled, hugging Heeseung. It was a quick hug, patting the older one on the back, before taking a seat on the revolving office chair and looking at you. "Is this her?"
Heeseung ignored his remark, jaw setting as he inhaled, running his fingers through his hair.
"Yes, we should get this over with. Where's Sunoo?"
"Not here." Was all he said, side eyeing you, which you took as a sign he wasn't willing to give up the information.
"We need him for the bug," Heeseung argued, looking around the space, as if he hadn't been there in a while.
"I can do the bug just fine, Heeseung." The boy rolled his eyes, annoyed again.
"No, you can't. Last time you tried, you fucked the whole system up. Call Sunoo, we need him." He was adamant, stern with the boy, giving his back to him as he walked towards you, almost fatherly. "This might take a few minutes, so take a seat, it'll be over soon, and you can go on with your life." Bitterness coated his tongue, and it made you wince.
"Heeseung—" He sighed loudly, eyes fluttering for just a second before he cut you off.
"Look, I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm not being this way just for your sake, but for mine too, so just please..." He exhaled. "Let's get this over with and move on." You pressed your lips together, inhaling deeply and accepting it before you nodded. Heeseung turned his back on you again and walked towards the boy. "Ri-ki, I'll go call Jungwon to let him know we got here. Did you call Sunoo?"
"Yeah, he didn't pick up, again." There was a laziness to Ri-ki's voice.
"Again? What does that mean?" Heeseung's brows were furrowed as he walked towards the younger boy, putting his phone, which he had taken from his pocket, down.
Ri-ki sighed, blinking a few times, a clear sign of concern, before he looked up at you, then at his brother.
"He hasn't made contact in three days..." You watched Heeseung's brows shoot up to the top of his head.
"And you didn't think this was important information to share with me over the last few days?" He was annoyed. No, he was concerned.
"I thought I could find him..." Ri-ki's voice got low, apologetic as his eyes fell to his lap.
Heeseung's hands lifted to his hair, running through it and gripping for a second before he was quiet, looking at the floor. You could see a million things going through his head; he swallowed.
"Okay... Okay. What was his mission?"
Ri-ki turned to the computer, bringing up files, and you stood, taking slow, quiet steps towards them both.
"Drug Cartel from the Golden Triangle decided to steal Dojin-kai territory; they came in heavy. Not only drug trafficking, but guns too, heavy, heavy armory. The movement was strange for a place like this, so the Dojin-kai asked us to look into it quietly. No kills, just gather intel."
Each file Ri-ki pulled up had your brows furrowing.
"Why are they selling military-grade weapons in a drug trade district?" Your voice came out without you noticing.
Both Heeseung and Ri-ki turned to look at you. It was Ri-ki who responded.
"We don't know, but Sunoo went in about a week ago. He found out there was something shady going on, spent the whole night awake, going through files, hacking police profiles, systems, then when I woke up, he said he was going back in... Didn't tell me what he found, and he never made contact again."
"Where was his last destination?" Heeseung asked, standing fully.
"A club, the Thai dealers were selling this new drug there, but Sunoo thought it was a cover-up for something else." Heeseung moved, walking to where he had left his gun, checking it, and tucking it behind his back.
"Okay, pull up the details. I'm going after him." He didn't even hesitate to make up his mind, no planning, nothing. That was how he operated. He improvised.
"Wait, what?" It was you asking, following after Heeseung as he reached another wall, pressing a latch that opened up to an arsenal of weapons. He loaded on ammo, strapping a few knives to his boot, tucking one into his arm sleeve where you knew there was a holster.
"Just stay put, I'll go in, get Sunoo, and come back." He made it sound simple.
"Yeah, and what if you don't find him? What if you disappear, then what?" You crossed your arms, and he looked at you.
"Then Ri-ki does what he's supposed to do, and you go on with your life." With a straight face, you scoffed.
"No. Absolutely not, I'm going with you." It was his turn to cackle, an ironic breath of air leaving him.
"No, you're not." He started walking towards his coat.
"Yes, I am." You were adamant, following him around, while Ri-ki followed you both with his eyes, curious and amused.
"Why do you even care? I thought you wanted to get this over with and move on." He shoved his jacket on, irritated.
"That doesn't even fucking matter, I'm going. And you can't fucking tell me what to do." He stopped then, eyes glued to yours, holding your gaze as you used all your determination to hold his. And it was hard. Heeseung's intensity had a shiver running down your spine.
"You're fucking annoying, did you know that?" He lifted his brows as he said it.
"You kiss your mother with that mouth?" You challenged, trying to soothe yourself.
His lips parted, but he tilted his head to the side, teeth sinking into his lower lip before he exhaled.
"Fine. If you slow me down, I'm leaving you behind."
He was doing exactly what he said he would. Treat you like another agent, someone he didn't care about, someone he didn't have any concern for. And even if you felt victorious that you were going with him on this mission, a part of you also shrieked in discomfort. Watching him so indifferent.
You went into the bathroom to change, finding some old clothes Ri-ki had kept around from when he was a teenager that fit you properly, you strapped yourself up, hidden compartments for knives, your gun and a backup in case anything went wrong and when you left the bathroom, Heeseung was talking to Ri-ki in private, closer to the only uncovered window in the place. He spotted you, patting the younger boy on the shoulder, leaning in for another hug before he approached you. Your eyes went to the younger boy for a second. You understood the look on his face; he didn't trust you, but he was also worried about Sunoo, so he didn't have another choice but to trust you.
Heeseung stood in front of you, all agent, not a single sliver of the playful man you had met.
"Ok, let's go."
The club was called Madam Saint. The name itself had you lifting a brow as you both went in, not having too much trouble with the bouncer since he was too busy beating some guy. Your eyes adjusted as the night street light was quickly replaced by red and purple neon of the hallway, loud music reverberating through, and then, you were surrounded by the echo of nightlife in Tokyo as you approached the main area.
The place was packed, too many bodies pressing against each other as the hard strobe light made you squint, forcing your vision. It was hard to see, but you could make out bodies, half-naked, dancing, drinking, kissing, fucking, all around you, lulled by the hard techno played by the very androgenous DJ you quickly glanced at. The bass was low and loud, vibrating against and inside your body in a way that made you feel uncomfortable.
"Keep your eyes open for anything suspicious!" You turned your eyes away from the chaotic crowd to Heeseung, who was now looking at you, yelling over the music. You nodded, and both of you infiltrated the crowd.
You walked through the bodies, being shoved here and there, keeping your eyes as sharp as you could given the poor lighting and the strobe of color that would blind you from time to time. You spotted the bar area, which extended from one end to the other, with hundreds of expensive liquor bottles placed against the mirrored wall behind the bartenders.
On one side, there was a dark hallway, and on the other a spiral stairwell that led up to what you assumed was the VIP areas. You looked up, not having moved much since you parted ways with Heeseung, trying to spot anything different, any movement that contrasted with the club's general vibe. Everyone was either half-naked or draped in leather and chains. Glowing, sweaty skin with glitter, or red, angry marks from groping or biting. Your eyes skimmed through the upstairs VIP area, the first two booths filled with imagery one would expect from a pornographic website, women, men, an array of explicit actions that unphased you. Your body swayed as you were bumped into repeatedly, feeling your body grow hotter as the heat increased. Finally, your eyes landed on something misplaced, or rather, someone.
You saw a pair of eyes looking straight at you, hard and void. His hair was dark, his features sharp; he was an ice-cold presence in a too-hot environment. You avoided his gaze, you had to think, you had to either get to Heeseung or get to the man. You didn't have much time to think, so you decided on the latter. You started moving towards the spiral staircase, gaze lifting again, only to watch him turn and disappear into the dark parts of the booth he was in.
You rushed. Cursing mentally as you tried to make your way through the sea of pressed-up bodies, not wanting to lose sight of the man. And that's when you were stopped, being grabbed by the shoulder, your fight or flight kicked in as you were turned around, before you could say or do anything, the man blew something in your face, your eyes shut as you inhaled, you looked at the stranger. He was smiling, wide and lazy, his shirt off, glitter sticking to his skin, a sheen of sweat. He leaned in, pressing a kiss to your cheek before he walked into the crowd.
Suddenly, panic filled you. What had he done? Had you been poisoned? You tried to go after him, yelling, "Wait!" over the music, but it fell on deaf ears. Your heart racing, your adrenaline spiking before you felt it, a sluggish feeling that made your eyes grow lidded. You exhaled. Slowing your steps.
Everything felt light; your bones felt as if they weighed nothing. It was as if you waltzed in place, awaying without even wanting to. You looked around, the bright neons and the strobe slowing down as they mixed in a beautiful array of colors. As if it were the twilight sky right in the middle of the club. It was hot, you felt hot all over, a need to rid yourself of your clothes, an uncontrollable desire to just smile and laugh and move, but most of all, a desperate need to touch. Every single body that pressed into you had you gasping, every brush of skin had you fluttering your eyes; it all felt so sensitive, so good. You closed your eyes, feeling the beat in every inch of your skin, the need to move along to it. And you did. You slowly swayed to the beat, letting go.
"No name." It whispered in your ear, and you furrowed your brows.
"I have a name." You whispered to yourself as you moved, as the chaotic sounds all over you echoed and mixed, blended, and became a soundwave inside your head.
"Your name is Y/N." You heard his voice, the memory of it, as if it were right there at the foot of your ear. It sent a shiver down your spine as you moved, as your body continued to brush against the faceless ones around you.
"Y/N, Y/N, Y/N..." You repeated slowly as your mind drifted to the press of his lips, to his grip on your hip, to the warmth of his skin, him, him, him. You could only furrow your brows deeper, a deep-rooted desire, a deep-rooted need. You needed him. You wanted him.
"Y/N?" Oh, the sweet sound of your name when he said it.
You were abruptly turned, your body taking a few more seconds to follow as you were met by Heeseung, his brows furrowed in concern, before he thumbed your chin, looking at the dust that, unbeknownst to you, was all over your face. He spoke, but you didn't hear him, you only looked at his face, his beautiful, beautiful, blurry and glowing face, and you leaned in, you couldn't help it, capturing his lips, kissing him, slow, deep, wanting. He froze, surprised, pulling away and staring at you in surprise.
The dust was now all over his face and lips. He blinked a few times as he looked into your eyes, saw it then, the desperate need, and he exhaled, his eyes growing lidded, his hands reaching for your hip and gripping to pull you closer; it burned. It ached and burned, you whined, and he definetly hear it as he pressed his lips to yours, finally kissing you back, just as wanting, just as needy.
That's when you tasted the sweetness from whatever it was the man had blown on your face on your tongue. It was delightful, it was intense, just the way the kiss was, and each twist and press of your lips against his became more feverish, feeling his body become sluggish, his hands gripping, pressing you to him with desperation, yet slow and lazy. It was suffocating. Branded into your brain as if it laughed at you, how well it fit, how good it felt to be kissed by him. What a ridiculous person you had been, to deprive yourself of his taste, of the way you could feel his undying want for you. There were no questions of why or what the point was; you just kissed and kissed him as if it were air, even if you were growing breathless by the second.
You pulled away to catch your breath, breathing against his lips, and you met his eyes. They were glossed over like yours, his cheeks slightly flushed, his skin glinting in the sheer layer of sweat. You leaned in, brushing your lips on his cheek, up to his ear, and he shuddered, hands gripping as if to steady himself.
"Heeseung..." You whispered, and he almost groaned at the sound of his name coming from your lips. "I lied."
His hands moved, mapping your body as if his life depended on it, his lips finding the shell of your ear, exhaling and grazing, a smile so devilish spreading on his lips against your skin.
"You lied?" He asked, and you chuckled, the sound echoing in your head. It was so clear to you now, it was so simple.
"I lied." You pressed your body to his, his breath hitching in his throat; you could feel him. "I do want you." You turned your bad to him, swaying, wrapping his arms around your waist, and leaning your head back on his shoulder, exposing your neck, and he didn't hesitate as his lips grazed the length of it, kissing, nipping, exhaling against it, and suddenly, the warmth was gone. You nearly stumbled back into the empty spot where he had been.
Heeseung was no longer there, only the crowd of bodies and blurry faces. The lightness you felt was quickly replaced by something heavy, the sounds echoing unpleasantly, the deep, intense beat now making it feel like your pulse was racing. You couldn't breathe as panic replaced the feeling of serenity. Eyes looking around, but everything was a blur or light and color; you couldn't make out a single face, couldn't make out the distance between you and the bar, or the exit, or anything. You stood there, looking around, breath picking up, panic and anxiety creeping up your throat. Had it been real, had he even been there with you? Where was he?
"Heeseung?" You whispered into the loudness, growing dizzy with how disoriented you had become. "Heeseung?" You called again, knowing it was too low to be heard by anyone.
Where was he? Had he been taken? Was he gone?
Have you failed again?
Failed at being an agent, trying to be... Normal? Had you failed to show humanity in indulging in freedom? Everything felt wrong, suffocating. And you slowly started to close in on yourself. The walls grew tall, the room growing darker, your breathing shallow. Spinning, spinning, spinning. You were going to fall.
You were going to die.
Hands gripped at your shoulder, he was there, his face, his worried eyes, now no longer lidded and glossed over, you couldn't hold the sob that ripped from your throat and you gripped at his shirt.
"Hey, I got you. I got you." You could read his lips, the muffled sound of his voice, and you were being pulled away, his hand gripping at your wrist hard, fast, pulling your heavy body along with him till you were in the dark hallway beside the bar, being shoved into a door. You winced at the bright light of the room, panic still gripping at your lungs, your ears ringing, your grip still tight on him as you were forced to sit in a chair.
"Give it to her!" Heeseung shouted, angry, worried. So fucking worried. The sound of his voice alone soothed you a little, and then you noticed the second person, the boy had fox-like features, eyes sharp and delicate lips, beautiful. Like a painting. It went in and out of focus as you looked at him, a lazy smile spreading on your lips amid the panic that still rushed through you.
"You're beautiful..." You mumbled as your vision grew even blurrier. The walls were caving in.
And before they could suffocate you, a cup was being placed on your lips, forcing you to drink down the liquid.
You couldn't even control your own body, let alone stop whatever was being forced down your throat. It could be poison, for all you knew, and you swallowed, coughing once they pulled away, one hand lifting to your throat and the other on your thigh, holding your body up as you finally let go of Heeseung.
It was somewhat quick. The sluggishness was the first thing that stopped, feeling you had better contol over your body, then, you shook your head, your vision going back to normal, the bright light no longer making you wince. The last thing was the sound, echoy and chaotic, now organized and dull inside the room, only the vibrating beat of the main area outside. Suddenly, you were hyperaware of yourself and your surroundings. You looked up and saw Heeseung, then flicked your eyes to the fox-eyed boy. Realization hit you. You looked at Heeseung again, his lips swollen, his cheeks still slightly flushed. The way you had both practically eaten one another amongst a sea of sexually deprived people.
Of course, you had been drugged.
It wouldn't have been the first time, but it definitely had gotten you by surprise. You inhaled, one hand lifting to brush your hair away from your face, then the dust that still lingered on your skin. You grimaced, a little ashamed.
"What the fuck was that?" You looked up at the fox-eyed boy.
"It's called pixie-dust, it's an inhibitor drug, kinda like LSD with Ecstasy, but times ten, works faster, lasts longer." The boy said, shrugging his shoulder. You had been drugged at a club, and you weren't sure it had been random; you couldn't be. You clenched your jaw.
"I'll fucking kill that man." You stood, Heeseung holding you by the shoulder, forcing you down again.
"Calm down, it's still wearing off." He was annoyed, swallowing hard and thick as he avoided looking at you.
"How am I even sober? You said it lasted long." You asked the boy, side eyeing him.
"I gave you something like an antidote, I made it myself, after spending a week here... I kind of had to improvise." He said matter-of-factly, as if what had happened to you had probably happened to him a few times. You looked at Heeseung, then at the boy.
"Y/N, this is Sunoo."
Your eyes bulged, an exhale of relief leaving you as you gave him a once-over.
"You're okay." Your voice came out soft.
"Called me beautiful, showed concern. Honestly, Heeseung, I approve." Sunoo lifted a brown and looked at his brother.
"Please be quiet." Heeseung cleared his throat and leaned against the wall. "Now that we've found you," Sunoo sat on another chair. You finally looked at the room, and it seemed like a dressing room. Probably for DJ's, artists that performed there. "Why the hell haven't you answered any of Ri-ki's calls? You're clearly infiltrated. You could have given him an update; he was worried sick about you." Sunoo rolled his eyes.
"You think I would make the rookie mistake of not calling Ri-ki if I could have? They took my phone, so I couldn't make contact any other way."
"And why not retreat? What did you find that had you coming back?"
"I found something," Sunoo said, but his eyes fell to his lap, his leg bouncing slightly, a sign of slight anxiety.
"What did you find?" It was you asking.
Sunoo hesitated, but not in the same way Ri-ki did; it was something serious, you could see it in his eyes, the way he lifted them to the wall, something sharp, something dangerous.
"The first days I got here, I had to find a way to stay, so I started dealing in the club. That pissed the lower-ranking dealers off. They got me, kind of beat the shit out of me, if I'm being honest," He sat up, resting one arm against the chair headrest. "I said I'd work for them as an apology, I might have done a way better job than I put myself up for because they didn't want me to leave." Your eyes moved to Heeseung, and his brows were furrowed. "Every single time I tried to go upstairs, they didn't let me and said it was none of my business. But you know what that means..." Sunoo looked at Heeseung.
"Means it's the part they don't want people to see."
Sunoo nodded.
"Well, I went upstairs..." Sunoo's eyes dropped again.
"Sunoo, what did you see?"
Heeseung asked, this time more stern. The fox-eyed boy looked at you, then at Heeseung again.
"Sunghoon." You watched Heeseung's face fall, his body flinch ever so slightly. "I saw Sunghoon."
Heeseung practically slammed the door of what Ri-ki called his cave as you three walked back in.
"Heeseung, we need to prepare for this," Sunoo argued.
Ri-ki was rushing to the three of you, confusion twisting on his face as he watched his older brothers argue.
"Prepare? Sunoo, we've been waiting fucking years for this, years. He's right there; all we have to do is get him."
"What the hell is going on?" Ri-ki asked. Heeseung and Sunoo kept staring at one another.
"They found Sunghoon." Ri-ki's face lifted, his eyes roaming around the room before he sat down, as if taking in the information. You were gathering that this was something deeper than a job, deeper than you could understand, so you sat on the unkept bed, watching.
"It's because we've waited all these years that we have to do this right, Hee," Sunoo spoke more softly, exhaling in frustration. "He is not the same Sunghoon we know; there is no guarantee that he'll even recognize us."
Heeseung finally sat on the other bed, head down, face resting on his palms as his elbows pressed to his thighs.
"You're right... You're right, I just," He swallowed. "I've been looking for him for so long. We never got this close before."
"I know." Sunoo sat beside him, as if comforting his brother.
You watched as if something was slowly pressing into your heart.
Not because you empathized, but because you were envious.
They had bigger things happening, plans, goals. A family forced into a life of death and agony. And they had one another, whilst you had... No one. Your brows furrowed, swallowing the lump in your throat as you stood and walked towards the wide window that gave a view of the city, giving them space to talk, privacy.
"You want some coffee?" Your gaze flicked to the tall boy, Ri-ki, standing a few feet from you, holding two paper cups in his hands.
"Yeah, thanks." He walked towards you and handed you the lukewarm coffee, staring into the city.
"I don't even remember him that much." He suddenly said, your eyes lifting to him, his gaze flicking to you for merely a few seconds. "Sunghoon."
You nodded in understanding.
Heeseung had said Sunghoon had left early in their lives; Ri-ki would have been really young when that happened.
"I remember him and Heeseung arguing the day he left. It was pretty bad." He took a sip from his coffee. "He never stopped looking for him. We had clues here and there, but they always grew cold, like he knew we were looking for him and didn't want us to find him."
"All that because of a fight?"
"No, Sunghoon wasn't that prideful, from what I know." Ri-ki scoffed. "He got mixed up with a very dark part of this industry, a part that makes even us," He gestured between you both. "Look like the good guys."
"There are no good guys in this industry."
"I know." Ri-ki's voice was softer. "But I've never been scared much, and it scares me." He inhaled. "Sunghoon scares me."
"Ri-ki." Sunoo's voice called from further in the room. The boy only nodded towards you before walking back to his brother. Not too long after, Heeseung was beside you.
He leans against one of the pillars, eyes glued to the view, quiet.
You swallowed, not daring to stray your eyes from the city lights either, because you knew what this meant. Soon, Sunoo was already running the bug on your face, and this would all be over.
"You guys going after him?" You finally ask, not looking at him.
"Yeah, Sunoo and Ri-ki are going to organize everything, make a plan. We should leave tomorrow, after you're... gone."
You nod then, more to yourself, aware he isn't looking at you either.
"In the club," You start.
"We don't need to talk about that." Heeseung cuts you, and you go quiet, eyes falling, then moving to him.
"I meant it." Heeseung didn't move an inch, still, completely still. Your eyes moved back to the view. "I'm scared, I hate admitting that, but I am. Feeling anything other than what I'm used to feeling scares me. I don't know what it means, I don't know how to handle it, where to put it." You swallow. "Wanting you, liking you," And you're trying to make it make sense. "It feels like a weakness, like choosing something that will make me hesitate, and I've never had something that made me hesitate, I never have. So the only thing I know how to do is deny it, avoid it, shove it away."
You can feel his eyes on you now, and you're not brave enough to look at him.
"You were right, I am a coward. I've been tortured, and I kill people, but I have never been in love, and being in love feels like a test, like if I fail, I'll be in that chair while they pull out my nails and force water down my throat, or worse."
You feel him then, his fingers on the small of your face, turning you softly towards him, and you want to cry again. Because you have never been in love and you're not even sure this is what it is, but you know this is goodbye, and it's not fair that life allowed you to love when there was no chance you could live it, indulge in it. It was quiet, just his eyes on yours, gaze bouncing back and forth, slightly wide and filled to the brim, as if at any moment, it would spill over.
"Ri-ki, Sunoo," Heeseung says without straying his eyes from yours, his voice enough to make you gasp.
The sound of the door shutting a few seconds later is like a needle being dropped.
It's quick, faster than you can think, faster than you can react when his lips press to yours. Lips mending, twisting, taking. A desperation that crawls up your spine and is somehow mirrored by the way he grunts into your mouth. It's as if something pinches at your core when his tongue slides against yours, his hands pressing against your back, fingertips twiching into your skin, over your shirt, pulling, pressing himself to you, challenging physics itself to get rid of the space.
Each huff of air he released forces a whimper out of you, and he swallows it as if he had owned it from the very beginning, and deep down, you know he did.
You don't even notice your back pressing against the pillar, your hands flying to his hair, pulling at the strands, trembling in a mess of visceral need and release. He doesn't let that go by unnoticed, fingertips snaking down your sides in a way that has a shiver wrecking your body, goosebumps in every piece of exposed skin, and when his hands grip at the base of your thighs and hoistes you up, you naturally wrap your legs around his waist, a louder whimper ripping from your throat when you feel the hardness pressed against your middle.
Mind turning hazy, you're drunk on his scent, on the warmth of his breath fanning against your lips as he walks blindly towards the beds, you want to speak as you satiate your hunger for his kiss, but you can't, not even when your lips part as he lays you down, standing over you, eyes darker than you had ever seen.
Fuck.
You think, because not a single coherent thought came to mind.
He looked predatory. Head tilting as he watched you pant against the mattress, dark gaze ranking down your body as if he was going through all the things he had fantasized about doing to you, trying to pick. It was pathetic, truly, the way your thighs pressed together at the way he looked at you. You could feel the uncomfortable dampness against the thick leggings, the way you ached tenfold, compared to the day you two had first kissed.
"Heeseung." You whispered his name. You did because you needed him to move, needed him to do something other than look at you, map your body as if he were trying to decide what to ruin first. "Heeseung, please." Desperation, pure, unadulterated desire. That was enough to set him off. He reached for the back of his shirt, and the fabric was on the floor in a matter of seconds, your eyes barely having enough time to take in the ridges of his abs, the slew of scars that painted him like something they'd study in art class as he leaned over you, hand pressed beside your head into the mattress. He nudges your nose with his, voice vibrating out, sending another shiver up your spine.
"Say my name like that again, and I won't be fucking nice." Fuck. His lips grazed yours, making you chase after them like a lost fucking puppy. He smiled, smug, a breathy chuckle leaving him, taunting in a way that had you growing more dizzy. He was taking his god-forsaken time now that he had what he wanted, and as much as you wanted to whine, throw a fit, you allowed it.
"Heeseung." You whispered again, your eyes growing lidded, head tilting up to latch onto his lower lip, pulling at the skin and letting it bounce back as your legs hooked around his hips, pressing him against you. You felt it again, hard and thick right into your core, a gasp leaving your lips as his gaze fell to the spot where you both met, watching the way his pants grew darker and damp where he pressed into you. You could practically hear him swallow, his Adam's apple bouncing at the sight, as if he was trying to contain the watering in his mouth. He looked at you then, rolling his hips again, watching the way your back arched slightly off the mattress, your head thrown back and eyes shut, forcing another louder gasp to leave you at the friction.
"Look at me." He demanded, and you weren't dumb enough not to obey, eyes lifting to his face, brows furrowing when he did it again, and again, with a tightness to his jaw and an intensity to his eyes that was almost too much for you to keep looking. "Yeah, that's the fucking look I wanted to see on your face, surrender, abandon." He spoke so low and deep, you could barely hear him over the sound of your heart beating in your throat, of the pulse of your veins in your ears, arousal building to a dangerous peak.
Each roll of his hips against you had your gaps turning into breathless moans, your hands flying to his back, his nape, the mattress under you, gripping at the sheets, trying to anchor yourself somehow. You couldn't take it anymore; you needed more.
"F—Fuck, Heeseung, please, please!" Your eyes were growing blurry with the stimulation, his length pressing against you in all the right spots, and he tilted his head, waiting, not a word said because you knew what he wanted to hear. "Please, fuck me—"
It gave you whiplash, your shirt being pulled over your head, falling to the floor along with his. Not a single second spared as his eyes dropped to the swell of your breasts, something vile twisting on his face at the sight of them, his lips latching to your nipple, and god— you could barely think as your nails sank into his back. He sucked, soft and harsh, nipping and pulling as one hand sneaked down, gripping at the elastic of your leggings, pushing them down, and you helped him, kicking them off as you tried your best to keep your desperation at bay.
He pulled away, knees pressing into the mattress as he sat up, lips slightly swollen, your nipple aching from the abuse it had endured, and he reached for his belt. It was gone a second later, his fingers slowing as they undid the button of his pants, his eyes dropping to your naked body. You whined at the delay.
"You can't blame me." He tilted his head, the same taunting, smug grin spreading on his lips. He continued to undo his zipper, hand sliding into his boxers, gripping at his length and hissing as he continued to admire you. "God, you're so fucking beautiful. It's insane." You weren't one to blush or feel embarrassed; instead, it sent a wave of arousal down your body, a gush of it leaking from between your thighs, clear in his line of sight. A huff of air left him in pure disbelief that this was real, that this was happening. He pulled himself out then, your eyes unable to ignore the thick, hard length in his palm, mouth going agape at the sight, core clenching around nothing.
When he leaned back down, he was slower, face hovering over yours, eyes gentler, but still dark and predatory in a contained way. Your breath hitched when you felt his tip nudge at your entrance, his jaw clenching in return, and when he pushed in, he didn't hesitate, length spreading you open inch by inch till he was fully inside of you, nudging at the deepest parts of your walls.
Your breath was stuck in your throat, back slightly arched from the bed. Full and stretched to capacity, it made your eyes roll back. The groan that left him was far from graceful, something deep and guttural, feral in a way that had you clenching tight around him, making him hiss and grunt as his hand slid under your body, the other hand pressed to the mattress beside your head and gripping at the sheets.
"God, fuck—, fuck, fuck." He grunted out, paced, strained, his veins slightly bulging in his throat before he pulled out, then rolled his hips back in. It was delirious, your hands wrapping around his shoulder, your legs practically limp, wrapped around his hips, and he held out long enough for you to adjust before he started fucking into you, eye to eye, his forehead resting against yours, his body making yours buck each time his hips met yours.
Quickly, the room was filled with the sound of delirious moans, deep grunts, and slapping skin. It wasn't sweet, or romantic, or loving. It was carnal, raw, layers of vulnerability laid bare for the taking. And he took, over and over as his length rubbed perfectly against your insides, as it had you unable to form words, thoughts, just feel him inside of you.
He lifted you then, sitting back on his ankles, arm around your waist, aiding you as you rode him, gaze boring into yours from below, hips rolling up to meet yours each time, as his free hand snaked up your back and into your nape, fingers tangling into your hair and gripping, forcing your head back to latch his lips onto your neck.
Each nip, kiss, suckle he wrecked you with brought you closer to coming undone. You didn't even try to hold back as you grew tighter around him, feeling his brows furrow against your skin, his lips stilling against your pulse point, huffing out a groan of pleasure. You both chased after it, riding him more eagerly, his hips rolling into yours with a stutter before he pulled from your neck, forcing you both back down, holding his upper body up on one hand as his gaze fell to where you both connected, watching his length fuck in and out of you, slicked with your arousal, your slit sucking him in each time.
Your breath hitched, feeling it right at the edge, unable to hold it back, and his eyes flicked to your face, hungry for it, desperate for it.
"I'm—" You started, unable to continue as your body began to tighten.
"That's it, fuck, cum. Cum for me, let go." It was like watching something he could only ever fantasize about, you, right there, under him, at the edge of coming undone by his hands, his cock, him. And you did just that, body seizing up with a pained gasp before you were practically trashing under him, vision going white, blurred, a harsh, intense wave of intense pleasure wrecking down your body in an unforgiving way, it made you feel like crying. You clenched around him violently, core pulsing against his length, nails digging into his back, you were sure you broke skin.
He allowed you to ride the wave, never stopping as he grunted in pained desperation, holding his own release back as he watched you, and when your eyes opened, and he saw the tears that gathered at your water line, he broke. You could feel his body shudder, his brows furrow deeply, pleasure twisted on his face before he buried it into your neck, stilling deep inside of you. You felt every last twitch of his cock, the fullness growing in your middle, the pressure of it. When he finally came down, you were left still, sweaty, panting against one another.
Time was lost on you; it was probably ten, twenty minutes with his head nestled into your neck, his body resting over yours. You don't know when his breath steadied, when yours did. When the pounding of your heart turned into a lull against his ear, or when your fingertips started caressing up and down his back, delicately. You didn't want to move, and he didn't either. Perhaps staying like that for a little longer was the only way you could make it last. And when you felt him inhale deeply and pull from your neck, your eyes fluttered open, finding him looking at you, head resting on his palm, elbow pressed into the mattress.
You didn't speak, just held his gaze. Something thick brimming in the space around you, a reality you both weren't ready to step back into.
"Hi." He said, soft now compared to how dark his voice had gotten before. You laughed, soft, sincere, a smile so stupidly affectionate on your lips.
"Hi." You replied, resting your head onto the mattress, looking up at him, watching his lips spread into a smile that mirrored yours.
"What are yoy thinking?" It made your heart squeeze in your chest, so mundane, the way he asked you that so often, you'd miss it, you'd miss him. You would. God, you'd miss him.
"Thinking about you." You decided on it instead, making his smile widen, his eyes falling to your bodies pressed together. "Heeseung?" He lifted his gaze to you, tender in a way that made you want to cry. "Is this what love is like?" It was innocent, naive. Something so stark from what you were perceived as, what you were. A deadly creature that had only known the ugly parts, not even sure if the beauty in front of her was worth fawning over.
"I don't know." He swallowed, because at the end of the day, he didn't know either. He never had the time to find out, to experience it for himself. "But does it matter? It is what we decide it is. So, what do you want it to be?"
What you decide. A choice entirely yours, an experience entirely yours. No more lingering on your fear of trusting, of vulnerability. No more sinking into fear and frustration of not knowing. A decision you could make for yourself, on your own. Your first. Your very first.
"Love. I want it to be love."
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