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[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

I often joke about my dog so clingy and always all over me, but I’m just sitting here with her snugged up next to me in my bed nice and warm and thinking, MAN it is a nice little serotonin rush to have a little adorable animal choose to snuggle next to you because they just love you THAT much. Like, if you really think about it… this little dog has the entire house to explore or lay on and at least 4 or 5 really good, cozy napping places. And she knows this. Yet, somewhere in her brain, she actively thinks something along the lines of “one of these options is different. Only one of these options means I get to be with my human” and CHOOSES that option??!! Like come on. That’s fucking magical. I need to think about this more. How many times a week do I say something like “omg, my dog is SO cuddly 🙄” as if it’s an issue and not really think about these details? Literally at least once or twice per week. Once or twice per week MORE than I am right now, I could be thinking this and being that much happier.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me and I’m the most annoying, insensitive, annoying, weird, annoying person on earth. And today and yesterday were two of those days. It’s a full moon so maybe that has something to do with it but everyone I talk to seems annoyed with me. No one ever seems to have my back. Everyone seems to assume I’m wrong or stupid. Idk what it is. I’m a highly sensitive person so I can read everyone immediately and it’s so isolating. No one else can be like “oh yeah I noticed that too. You’re right!” So I’m stuck with either pretending I don’t notice which is very difficult and feels inauthentic…. Or being myself and having everyone think I’m awful or dramatic or overly sensitive. I’m so lonely and I feel so isolated in this world. I hate feeling like I hate myself but I really feel that way and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Music is so wonderful really if you think about it. Like one human creates something from their soul and then is like “hey other humans will you have this and enjoy it” and then the other humans are like “this thing the other human gave us is so wonderful and interesting let’s say it over and over again” 🥹🥹

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Being the funny friend

Being the funny friend is great until it isn’t. No one wants to hear your feelings. Just make them laugh. Group need someone to gang up on? It’s you. What’s the big deal? You’re the comedian! You can take it! Every group has one. The joker. The fool. The doofus. No one thinks twice about hurting your feelings or sending an unflattering pic of you to an entire company because you’d think it’s funny! Right?!

It’s not funny, though. It’s hurtful. And painful. But if we speak up, we’re no longer serving the purpose of the funny friend. It got serious. The clown has feelings. And that’s not what people want. People want to laugh. They don’t want to hear your inner thoughts or feelings. That’s nothing but an inconvenience.

Don’t be an inconvenience.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Sometimes people want you around just so you can be a punching bag. So you can make them laugh. Be the clown. Be the one who everyone can gang up on. They don’t care or even consider that it might hurt you. Or it might be too much. They just assume it’s your role in life: to be the butt of the joke. You’re there for their entertainment. Like a clown. And don’t complain. If you do, it ruins the image that they have of you in their minds. No one likes a complainer. No one wants the clown to be sad. Don’t bring the mood down. Just laugh along and take the punches. “It’s all in good fun!” “No one means anything by it!” They gaslight you. You’re the one with the problem. They’re just having fun. It doesn’t matter that sometimes… or most times… you don’t want to be laughed at or ganged up on. It’s not all in good fun. It’s breaking you down piece by piece inside.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Wait I think I just figured out that when I’m high I’m all of a sudden happy to be my true authentic self and say and write more of what’s on my mind because I feel like it’s so funny and amazing and I feel like I’m so awesome and hilarious but in the background my non high self is like ARE YOU SURE THATS A GOOD IDEA PEOPLE WILL SEE IT

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

I am so high and I think everything is so funny so I post a ton of shit that I’m dying laughing at but I worry while posting it that it’s like offensive in some way and I shouldn’t be posting about it. Then I think about it for like a full minute and a half to try to figure that out. But I’m so high, it’s almost impossible. So high me thinks just go for it. It’s so funny. So I post it. Then I think.. I’ll watch it back later when I’m not high and if it’s off the walls embarrassing, I’ll take it down immediately but I gotta say so far every single one has been fire and enthusiastically approved by non high me so I guess what I’m saying is I’m absolutely and exponentially more hilarious when I’m high as shit.

I’ll be back to look at this post shortly to review for level of comedic potency.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Depression feels so helpless and weird. My head hurts. Like a weird dull pain. No medication helps. I can’t even shower. I can’t even do the simplest task. And all I do all day is make myself feel guilty about it. My house is a mess. Why can’t I just clean it? You’d think after 25+ years of this, I’d understand that this will pass and that I won’t feel like this forever. But my brain just won’t accept that. It’s so exhausting knowing that even when this does pass, it’ll come back again. Who knows when or why. I get moments of happiness and normalcy. But I don’t get to choose when those are or how long they last. And that is SO FUCKING INFURIATING. I just sit here like a pathetic loser all day. Unshowered. Haven’t eaten. Feeling guilty. And all I have to do is get up. Get up and shower. Why is that so hard? Why is my brain so fucked? I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired. I can’t keep doing this cycle. I’m so scared of hurting myself in a moment of weakness when I really don’t want to. These suicidal ideations are so terrifying. There’s always something wrong with me. I’m annoying and too much. I bother my friends every other fucking day with some other issue. They must be so sick of me. I want to eat but I’m nauseous. I want to sleep but I can’t. I want to just be done with this. I’m so sick of fighting this fucking battle. I stay alive for my dogs. And even then… sometimes I feel like they’d be better off without me. I don’t want to die but right now I want to die. Nothing makes sense. Everything feels bad and off. The guilt and the pain are just too much. I don’t even remember what it’s like to be happy and I know I was just a few days ago. What the fuck is that?

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

I know I’m making progress when I think about the person who doesn’t reciprocate my feelings for them and think “what an idiot” instead of “what’s wrong with me?”

It’s a work in progress and probably always will be, but this is the first time in my life that I’m starting to think differently. For most of my life, I’ve chased people who didn’t want me. I guess I’m one of those “want what I can’t have” people. But lately, I can’t help but think what an idiot he is. How could he not want me? I’m a fucking SNACK. The whole package. He has to be intimidated by me. But that’s not a me problem - that’s a him problem. And I still love him as a friend, but I’m starting to be able to realize that there’s a difference between infatuation and love. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt love. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love for real. Every guy I’ve ever been into or dated… I put them on this insane pedestal, when…. Let’s be honest here. They did NOT deserve it. And only after being in a relationship with them, did I realize how wrong they were for me.

Most guys that I become infatuated with are blown up symbols of some romanticized notion in my head. I know what I want and I mold them to be that in my mind. But they never are. Not even close.

That guy that I imagine showing up to my door in the rain with flowers or being by my side when I’m at my worst and telling me they love me no matter what. That guy that I fantasize about laying in bed with and laughing until I cry. That guy that knows how to calm me down. The one who loves me BECAUSE of my eccentricities. That guy who looks at me when I’m not looking and just thinks to himself how lucky he is. That guy who gets lost in my eyes. He’s really just a typical, immature, kinda good looking, emotionally-stunted, insecure, Peter Pan wannabe, doofus who happened to say the right thing to me at the right time.

He gave me attention and I’ve been starved for that for my entire life.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

I used to think my empathy and sensitivity were a curse. And sometimes I still think that. But other times, when the universe tests me, like today, I remember that it’s my super power and that I feel badly for people who lack it entirely. How boring it must be to go through life not feeling deeply and how tragic it must be to be upset and not expect your friends or family to feel it with you or to put themselves in your shoes and imagine what it must be like for you. I can’t imagine because I literally cannot do it. I don’t have it in me. The only thing I have, the only thing I’m FILLED with, is empathy. I feel everything instantly and frighteningly deeply. Sometimes, it’s too much. It’s overwhelming. I have had to learn and am still learning how to shut the door or close it a little bit. To not let every single thing in. But it’s hard because I want to. I want to feel what they’re feeling. How else am I supposed to help them? How else am I supposed to show them that I’m here and I care and I’m not just saying that? I’m not just going through the motions. I’m feeling it with you. So that you won’t be alone. So that you’ll know that you’re not isolated. How else am I supposed to go through life? In black and white? Fuck that. I’ll take my colorful, dreamy, magical, sensitive, painful, all-encompassing, every shade of the spectrum life that I have over that ANY. DAY. OF. THE. WEEK.

I can’t imagine not saving the little bug that everyone fears and letting it outside to have another chance. Why? It’s a living thing. It doesn’t deserve to die simply for existing.

I can’t imagine not being dazzled by the wind and the sun and the clouds and birds and insects and synchronicities and the beauty of everything. All the time.

I can’t imagine not having deep, all-encompassing conversations that go on for hours and reach every corner of my soul.

I can’t imagine just going through the motions. Checking off boxes. Getting things “riGHt” no matter what. No matter what other people may feel.

Actually, that’s a lie. I can imagine. And I do. And it’s awful and empty. Is this how some people go through life? Literally tragic.

Empathy roolz. 🤘🏼

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

That thing where you’re really sensitive but no one knows because you always play along and usually it doesn’t bother you but when it does you can’t say anything because you don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable and you always have to be the fun happy go lucky girl

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Dude. Why are guys so annoying. Flirt like there’s no tomorrow. Actually be IN LOVE WITH ME but too scared to face it. It makes me nauseous. It makes me scared and feel like a piece of shit and like what the fuck am I going to do. And he just doesn’t care. He just can let go. It’s easy for him. It’s never been and never will be easy for me. I fall too hard and too fast. And it’s hard for me to cut that off. I put them on a pedestal that they certainly do not deserve. I know he loves me. I know it. But he tries so hard to make sure it never crosses that line. He’s too scared. And too immature and too hard on himself. He’s not ready. He’s not good enough. But how awful it sounds to be in love and not trust yourself enough to take that leap. I can’t imagine. I would never turn down at least trying. But he can. How?! How do I do that.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

“If you must measure your life, do it in the tiny moments that you find yourself smiling without even realizing it.”

- b.t.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

When ordering takeout, I have to theoretically taste each food to decide if I want it or not.

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

Somehow, after hanging out with my friends, I feel even lonelier and more alienated

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

The thing about being the clown, is that no one will ever take you seriously

[themostsensitivegirlintheworld]

I’m a ghost, I’m sure of it

No one sees me

But I’m here

Silent and in pain

Always looking for something

Craving validation

The more I crave it, the less I find it

Everyone else is so shiny and visible

But not me

I’m invincible

I know it

No one can see me

And I’ve never been here

Even though I’m screaming

And waving my arms

Asking, begging for someone to see me

For everything that I am

Am I cool yet?

What if I do something edgy or weird

Will they notice me then?

What if I pierce something else?

Or make my next story crazier?

What if I impress them or make them laugh?

If I make them laugh, then they’ll like me

They’ll see me

I know it