nicky

[thenicc]

an excerpt from my notebook

[thenicc]

an excerpt from my notebook

[thenicc]

you lit a bit of me just to pull the plug.  you shifted my world then turned around to shrug. (i found this entry in a past notebook and it made me sad thinking about how little ive written lately)

[thenicc]

84

dont stop i’m just getting started. know it feels like i up and departed. 

[thenicc]

83

i thought you'd be there. like i thought you'd know. as if you could feel how this was... about you.. but you weren't and you didn't and you don't.

[thenicc]

82

downpour thoughts. “share an umbrella?” 

a voice sang behind me. i slung down the backpack coving me from the rain, sloshing the puddles that invaded my sneakers. 

“oh, gosh, thank you.”

looking up, at his wide-blue eyes, sent me metamorphic. and as the fresh, new curvature of his genuine smile transmitted themselves into my mind’s moment, i knew that my heart can certainly continue beating throughout it’s past quakes and disruption. 

i can still think poetically about the world cast in a heart post-casualties. my heart can sustain a timeless abundance of affection, and am forever humbled by the warmth of life’s tiny sparks. 

thank you, darling stranger, with your umbrella and delightful force, disrupting my longing winds. I’m doomed to the memory of your simple magic, nonetheless of the inability to see you again. 

[thenicc]

81

but we could be so good, baby we could just lay and dream. but this could be so real, baby so why'd ya have to leave?

[thenicc]

80

i don’t want to annoy you with any of my absentminded whatnot, leave you frustrated at the thought  of my dim incomprehensibility

touch my check and look to me if it’s not giggling affection  or genuine adoration you feel nonetheless we’re just not right for this

[thenicc]

79

it’s crazy how things can change and fluctuate and spin and twist and bend widen your eyes,  kiss you on the cheek and you swear you’ve tasted heaven.

[thenicc]

78

he's electric and I'm just electrocuted. he's so eccentric takes the breath away, my heart left muted.

[thenicc]

77

three iced chais down and im wondering where i’ve been chipped nail polish and a letter i forgot to send.

called off work to just to sit and dream about you have a tab at the coffee shop so all day, this is what i’m gunna do

[thenicc]

76

been up all night tossing and turning like nothing's right and I'm left burning

[thenicc]

75

there’s this thing called ‘love’ and we could probably get ahold of one. it costs a whole lot of something and the tag says ‘no refund.’

so, i don’t know if you wanna start collecting loose change together? like – i guess there’s no good way in tellin’ if it’s real or whatever. 

[thenicc]

74

a sense of urgency leaves me incomprehensibly forsaken with doubt as if 22 couldn’t feel more like 32 and my palms have been left out to dry these days like self-demand isn’t enough when your self isn’t in command and the bridges burnt wasn’t part of the plan seeking safety in another heart that isn’t there what is it that i need, what is it that i want if not you?

[thenicc]

73

how do i find myself either wanting to be entirely on my own or consumed purely by wild affection? either drowned by my own solidarity or candlelit perfection.

as if i’d rather sulk in my woes if the woos aren’t sufficient like if he cares only to abandon our clothes or if the pursuit leaves me deficient

[thenicc]

72

im no good for you baby my rhythm aint fluid havent been with it lately always truant

[thenicc]

71

you would not believe the length of this man’s eyebrows.  i hate to look – and really my thoughts are not geared toward negativity nor positivity, just unbelief. how does that happen?

i’m getting progressively chillier and chillier as the minutes tick away. people are exiting the coffee shop, taking their body heat with them apparently. wish they would have left it here – but i suppose they need it. 

the barista is patiently greasing a pan, priming it for the crepe one customer ordered. I’m thinking that I want one as well. Sweet or savory? indecision consumes me here, always. i never know. ‘both’ is the best answer, i’m sure of that. it would be nice to do the thing where, you’re with a friend and one would order sweet and the other, savory and you share and happiness and content nearly just oozes out of your body like honey out of a plastic bear. 

the barista is now lightly mouthing to words to the current track playing in the background. he seems genuine. its so warming to find genuine people. sometimes i feel like they’re becoming scarce. 

HOLD UP! Great song (heart skipped a beat - the xx) IS ON and clearly this is a sign that I should order that crepe. (not really a sign, but i’m making it one after I listen to this song on repeat for a few times)