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Ahead of Meeting, Trump Practices Insults of Chinese President

LAST UPDATED @ 12:04PM (4.5.2017) Donald Trump practices insults of Chinese President Xi Jinping ahead of meeting and asserts chopsticks will be banned at all meals during the visit.

Trump (left) and Chinese President Xi Jinping (right).

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, President Trump confirmed reports he was practicing insults in preparation for the visit of Chinese President China Xi Jinping. The two world leaders will meet tomorrow to discuss a variety of issues including North Korea, trade, and how chop sticks will be banned at all meals during the visit. "I am practicing my insults of the Chinese president like no one has ever practiced before. I am the best practicer; believe me. I will tell that Chinese crook that America is done buying things from China," said Trump, who salivated over a bucket of fried chicken. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Funeral Savings Accounts to Play Critical Role in Trumpcare

LAST UPDATED @ 11:26AM (3.18.2017)

"The Republican healthcare plan is completely unworkable without the Funeral Savings Accounts. It all comes down without them." - House Speaker Paul Ryan 

Funeral Savings Accounts critical to Trumpcare.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the White House confirmed reports Funeral Savings Accounts will play a lead role in Trumpcare. "Non-negotiable" was the word used by the president to show his commitment to giving millions of Americans the savings accounts to help survivors pay for the funerals resulting from Trumpcare health insurance plans. "Americans are going to have the most amazing, tippy-top healthcare ever; believe me. That's why Funeral Savings Accounts are non-negotiable and must be a part of the final law. A lot of people are going to need them," Trump explained exclusively to employees of Fox News and Breitbart. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Loses Evidence of Obama Wiretapping Up His Own Ass

LAST UPDATED @ 6:02PM (3.7.2017) Donald Trump will release evidence President Obama illegally wiretapped Trump Tower once it is found and can be safely extracted from his ass.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Donald Trump declared he had lost the evidence of President Obama illegally wiretapping Trump Tower during the 2016 presidential election. Trump asserted he had lost the evidence that proved his accusation deep inside his derriere. "I have the very real and shocking evidence of President Obama illegally wiretapping Trump Tower, but have temporarily lost it up my ass," Trump told a preselected group of news organizations that had recently said nice things about him. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Fails to Assemble Cabinet Correctly

LAST UPDATED @ 2:50PM  (12.4.2016) Trump fails to assemble kitchen cabinet set, quits project after nearly 20 minutes of causing irreparable damage.

Kitchen cabinet set President-elect Trump failed to assemble.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President-elect Trump took some time off from politics and went to one of his properties to help assemble a kitchen cabinet set. Trump confessed he wanted to do the project to "unwind," but after fifteen minutes it was clear he had failed to assemble the cabinets correctly and done irreparable damage to them. "I don't want to know how to do it correctly. I'm going to do it my way," said Trump at the beginning of the project. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Hillary to Burn Haunted Pantsuits Worn during Failed 2016 Campaign

LAST UPDATED @ 2:35PM  (11.9.2016) Hillary Clinton blames cursed pantsuits for her loss to Donald Trump.

Hillary wears one of the pantsuits to be burned while testifying before Congress on 10.22.2015.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, failed Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton announced she intended to burn all of the pantsuits she wore during her second failed run for the presidency. Secretary Clinton asserted her loss to Donald Trump was largely due to the the pantsuits she wore being cursed. "I am convinced Donald Trump beat me on Election Day because the pantsuits I wore throughout the campaign were haunted sentient beings that doomed me to fail," explained Secretary Clinton. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Ahead of Clinton 100% to 0% in Moscow, Saint Petersburg, Volgograd

LAST UPDATED @ 12:45PM (11.3.2016) Donald Trump boasts about polls showing he will get 100% of votes in key Russian cities.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

VOLGOGRAD (The Nil Admirari) - The results of nine Russian polls were released today that showed Republican Donald Trump in a commanding lead over Democrat Hillary Clinton in Moscow, Saint Petersburg, and Volgograd. Every poll confirmed Trump would receive 100% of the votes in the three Russian cities, which are critical for Trump to win the White House. "These polls are 100% accurate, and have no margin of error. Donald Trump is in commanding lead in race for American puppe... president," reported Sergei Propovski, spokesman for the Russian Ministry of Truth. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Sitting on "Burn America to Ground" Non-Concession Speech

 LAST UPDATED @ 3:54AM (10.29.2016) "A lot of people are saying maybe their should be violence, and entire cities should be burned to the ground if I lose," asserted Trump.

 A losing Trump will demand the country burn for not recognizing his greatness.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Donald Trump's presidential campaign confirmed the Republican presidential nominee had drafted a non-concession speech. TNA obtained a draft of the speech, which encourages Trump supporters to use physical violence and arson in the event he loses the election. "At no point does the speech say I want people to use violence and burn American cities to the ground if I lose to Hillary Clinton. I am just telling Americans that 'a lot of people' are saying things like that," said Trump, in defense of his speech. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Screws American Small Businesses so Mexicans Can't

LAST UPDATED @ 12:28PM (8.27.2016) Donald Trump says American small businesses prefer to be robbed and screwed over by fellow Americans.

Donald Trump speaking at 2015 CPAC. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump declared he routinely breached contracts with American small businesses and refused to pay them so Mexicans could not do the same. "I always break contracts with American small businesses and refuse to pay them what I agreed to pay them. Better for me to rob and defraud my fellow Americans than some Mexicans," announced Trump at a campaign rally. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

George W. Bush Worried Trump Will Unseat Him as Worst President

LAST UPDATED @ 12:29PM (8.11.2016) George W. Bush says it is unfair Donald Trump is challenging him for 'Worst President Ever.'

Trump at campaign rally in Arizona in June 2016. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

CRAWFORD, TEXAS (The Nil Admirari) -  Earlier today, George W. Bush confirmed he was "super worried" Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump would defeat Hillary Clinton in November. The 43rd President of the United States identified his main worry as being Trump unseating him as the worst president in American history, and called such a challenge "unfair."

"I hope Donald Trump isn't elected president, because I think he'll be way worse than me. I know it didn't look like it, but I worked really hard to earn my title as the worst president the United States has ever had," said Bush at a hastily convened press conference at his Crawford, Texas ranch.

Read More »

[theniladmirari]

ISIS Says Attacking Rio 2016 Olympics with Terrorism "Too Easy"

LAST UPDATED @ 9:34AM (8.4.2016) The Islamic State says it will not attack the Rio 2016 Olympics, because it was 'too soft' a target.

RIO DE JANEIRO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, the Islamic State (ISIS) announced it will not be attacking the Rio 2016 Olympics due to the event being "too easy" for it to terrorize. The extremist Muslim terrorist organization also declared it felt bad for Brazilians, because the deplorable security environment expected at the 2016 Summer Olympics showed they lack respect for themselves. "ISIS will not be launching any terrorist attacks at the Rio 2016 Olympics. It's just too easy. Frankly, targeting Rio is beneath us, and we would actually lose cred with other terrorist organizations," declared a man in all black clothing, who was also wearing a mask. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Rio to Offer Hazmat Suits to Olympians Competing on Guanabara Bay

LAST UPDATED @ 10:24AM (7.31.2016) Olympic athletes will be offered hazmat suits to protect them from untreated sewage in Rio's Guanabara Bay.

Olympic sailing and windsurfing athletes prepare to compete on Guanabara Bay.

RIO DE JANEIRO (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, Rio de Janeiro confirmed reports it will be offering hazmat suits to all Olympic athletes competing in sports on Guanabara Bay. The suits will protect some of the world's best athletes from the tons of untreated sewage and garbage in the water they will be surrounded by. "Rio is absolutely ready to host the Olympics in less than a week, despite there being horrendous amounts of untreated human waste and garbage in Guanabara Bay," stated Rio 2016 CEO Sidney Levy, who also dismissed security concerns. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

TNA Projects Donald Trump Next President of United States

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::BREAKING NEWS:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: LAST UPDATED @ 9:27PM (7.28.2016) TNA projects Donald Trump will be the next President of the United States of America.

Trump at campaign rally in Arizona in June 2016. (Photo: Gage Skidmore)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - TNA projects Donald Trump will win the 2016 election and be the next President of the United States of America with 0% of voting districts reporting in all 50 states. Trump has won all of the battleground states and some formerly reliable Democratic states. "Trump being a White man and billionaire who perpetually whines he is constantly under attack by the weakest and least powerful people in the country really resonated with large numbers of poor, uneducated, and racist Whites," explained TNA Senior Elections Chief Lee R. Fukt. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Trump Tells Some Convention Goers to Wear Blackface to Show GOP's Diversity

LAST UPDATED @ 7:50PM (7.18.2016) Donald Trump says he will not arrive at 2016 Republican National Convention in blackface, but urges others to do so.

​Singer and actor Al Jolson wearing blackface in the musical film The Jazz Singer. (Left) Donald Trump in Arizona in March 2016. (Photo: Gage Skidmore). (Right)

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump urged some Republicans to show up to the 2016 Republican National Convention in blackface. Trump claimed the act would show how diverse the GOP was. "I think it would be a fabulous, fabulous idea if some - and I'm not saying all, just some - people at the Republican National Convention showed up in blackface," said Trump at an Alabama campaign rally boasting white sheets, pointy hats, and burning crosses. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Kansas Closes All Public Schools, Sells Buildings to Prison Companies

LAST UPDATED @ 9:19AM (7.11.2016) Prison companies to turn all Kansas public schools into for-profit prisons while Kansans can opt to not educate children at all. 

TOPEKA, KANSAS (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Kansas Governor Sam Brownback signed a bill into law closing all Kansas public schools and selling the buildings to for-profit prison corporations. The law also permanently closed the Kansas State Department of Education, ordered the arrest of public school employees, and outlawed any academic standards.

"I am proud to announce the government's K-12 schools are officially closed in Kansas. Public education employees are urged to turn themselves into police, as arrest have been issued for their arrests," announced Governor Brownback.

Read More »

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Trump Announces 'Very White' Pillsbury Doughboy as Running Mate

LAST UPDATED @ 9:52PM (7.5.2016) "Poppin' Fresh is very White. He's the Whitest guy I know; not that something like that even matters to me," says Trump.

Image Credit: GeneralMills via Flickr // CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced the Pillsbury Doughboy, also known as Poppin' Fresh, was his running mate. "Poppin' Fresh is a wonderful guy, and he has the recipe to make America great again," declared Donald Trump at what appeared to be a Caucasian-only campaign rally. Read More »

[theniladmirari]

Obama Promises Drones Have Never Killed Innocent Civilians

LAST UPDATED @ 12:48PM (7.1.2016) President Obama promises the American people there is a '100% bad guy death rate' by American drones.

An MQ-9 Reaper, a hunter-killer surveillance drone (UAV). (Public Domain Image)

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Earlier today, President Barack Obama announced not a single innocent civilian had ever been killed in American drone strikes routinely carried out across the globe. "When an American drone kills someone it is always killing a person representing a clear and present danger to the United States, and never innocent people," declared Obama at an afternoon press conference. Read More »

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Fox News Wants Clinton-Trump Debate in Benghazi

LAST UPDATED @ 5:22PM (6.27.2016) Benghazi is perfect place for fair and balanced presidential debate, according to Fox News CEO Roger Ailes.

WASHINGTON (The Nil Admirari) - Today, Fox News announced it wanted to host a presidential debate between Republican Donald Trump and Democrat Hillary Clinton in Benghazi, Libya. The spurious news network declared Benghazi would be the perfect place for Trump and Clinton to discuss American foreign policy sometime in October. "Fox News has real journalists, and is not a propaganda network that incessantly disseminates right-wing talking points. Our team wants to give Americans the most fair and balanced debate between presidential candidates in the history America," declared Fox News CEO Roger Ailes. Read More »