i am undefined.

If it's important to you, then it's beautiful. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. This is my story. It's a mix of happiness, heartbreak, friendship, reality, and a dash of drama. I'm writing my life in a first-person, present story format from now on. They'll only be real if the title ends with "chapter;". Everything else is my writing. My life in prose. "You're beautiful, and I'm not saying this because you're my best friend." - KH, one drunken evening on the balcony Unless stated, none of the photos or .gifs are mine. .

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I haven't been on this blog in a while.

I guess because the last post is still in the back of my mind.

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I think, unless there's another person in that small city with the same name and job (that my mother mentioned once, a long time ago), there's a small possibility I found my 'father' on LinkedIn. I already dislike this year.

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I'm a bag of mixed emotions today.

[literaladoration-deactivated201]

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I'mma take this to heart.

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

the triangle-of-doom-becomes-the-square-of-doom-and-my-friends-have-my-back chapter

Red told me that I need to keep Velma away from George. Apparently, Velma said that she has plans to "have him inside" her on New Year's. Honestly? How horrible is that?

First, Margo is all about George and getting her paws on him. Now Velma too? I mentioned this to Katy, Annabell (name means 'easy to love'), and my roommate...well, they all said the same thing as Red. All four of them believe that I have a better chance with George. I don't know if that's what I wanted to hear, to be honest. I don't want to know that I could win a boy, and hurt two of my friends in the process.

Then again, it makes me feel a little less worried about the situation. To be honest, I doubt that George will have sex with Velma - even if he's seriously drunk. I doubt it, mainly because I wanna believe that he won't. I could be wrong, and if I'm wrong, then that's a serious mistake that could cost me the guy I like. I know him well enough to know that he doesn't like Velma, but I also know him well enough to know that he could get horny and let things happen. He's a guy. 

Honestly, if anything happens between him and Velma - at least, well, at least I'd know he doesn't feel the same about me, right? Then again, what if he doesn't know how he feels or...worse, what if it would ruin what he could feel.

The same idea goes with Margo. If he makes a move on either of them, and not me, then I guess I'll have my answer. He doesn't like me, and it could ruin whatever chance that he could develop feelings for me. 

I suppose I just have to figure out what I need, and want, to do. Do I go up to Toronto for New Year's Eve? I do wish to be there for NYE. I also, definitely don't want Velma to have a chance to do anything stupid...or to get her claws on him. However, what if I go and everything blows up in my face anyway? Honestly, it could be really, really bad. Could it get any worse than my friend hooking up with the guy I like? Oh, probably. I mean, I could hook up with a guy two of my friends like.

I don't want to be selfish, or self-centered. I don't want to be anything bad, really. I've felt quite terrible about myself over the past month or so. I want to stop being a bitch, stop being selfish, stop being...me. I want to stop. I'm not sure how I can go about it, but I'm going to just calm my shit. I want to feel good about myself again.

I don't want to be that bitch who actually has an ex-friend desperate to be her friend. I'm not special enough for that shit. I've been such a bully, such a jackass to her...I don't deserve to have her desperation, her need, her complete and utter loyalty. I want to scream and rip out my hair. That, the way she kind of devoted herself to me, reminded me of how horrible I've been. I don't want that reminder.

I sent a message to the Scorpio. I'd blame it on the alcohol, but it'd be a lie. I just...I had some things I needed to say before I could completely put him, and my feelings, away in a box. He read it three minutes after I sent it. He didn't respond, mainly because there's not much to respond to (so if he does, it'd be really weird). It was nice though. Getting rid of those final thoughts, it was relieving. I feel better now.

I feel as though I've really accomplished something, really made peace with it. I'm sure the demons will come up occasionally, but I don't think they're going to have as big of an impact as they'd like.

I've worked so damn hard to put him in a box and bury him and lock the door behind me.

I refuse to let the Square of Doom ruin all that I've worked for.

I'm not going to let George consume me, nor am I going to let myself have deeper feelings for him. If I do that, and he doesn't reciprocate, I'm going to wind up in another Scorpio position. I can't have that, can I? I'm working on it.

I'm not sure what I'm doing, or what I really think.

The best part of this whole mess is that I have some really great friends who have my back. Instead of not telling me, they told me exactly the weird stuff that goes on, and Red, she warned me to keep Velma away from George on NYE. They all told me how they'd be there for me no matter what happened - either recently or previously. They have all basically said they were Team Meg.

No one can truly understand how lucky I am. My best friends...the ones that truly, love me no matter what, the ones that have had my back throughout all of my crap...they're these enigmas. You cannot explain them to anyone else. You can't tell a soul how truly flawless and amazing these creatures are, because there aren't enough words that can describe them with absolute unequivocally.

I hope they know how much I love them, how I am on all of their teams, how I appreciate them more than anyone.

[staypozitive]

[baddiebratty-deactivated2013052]

Us

[idknostalgia-deactivated2013010]

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I had this huge heart to heart with my friend, Bee, last night. She helped me acknowledge a few things. One, Background Feelings are a thing and it's okay to have them, as long as they don't become Foreground Feelings and mess up with your already-Foreground Feelings. And two, no one really knows what they're doing. There aren't really actual rules as to how we live, what we should do, or where we should...who we should be. The nice thing is, stuff works out and stuff falls apart. It's life. I had this whole kinda thought process while she spoke of the fact that it's kind of beautiful that I don't really know what I'm doing with George. On a side note, I've officially decided that I'mma keep doing what I'm doing with George - being close friends - and hope that it goes somewhere. If it does, great, if it doesn't, then great too. However, I'mma stop worrying about Margo because at this point, I can't be bothered. 

[opacitar]

[mtmpsychosis]

I want a guy like this… Who’ll hug me like this when I’m upset.. :(

[celesticae]

this is my favourite gif ever

[my-sunshine-after-the-rain]

just had to repost this again, today i had a bad day, i was crying and my bf comforted me like that <3

[emptieds]

awh this is so Andrew :’-) favorite gif ;aldkjsa

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

It's funny, because most people probably want this kind of hug from a boyfriend or something, but I would never trade this kind of hug from my best friend and roommate. It's the single best hug.

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

How is this place not a date? Oh look here, there's even a post that says it's a perfect first date! I really hope it could be...

[l-ian-deactivated20130127]

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I was going to write this in a story form, but it's too damn difficult. I can't express it well enough...at least, when I try, I don't know where to begin. I still don't know what to begin with, but here's the deal.

The Special Event Planning students finished our big presentations on Friday, so we had decided to celebrate with a club. When the presentations were done, I went with Kaylee to her car and put our stuff in there. Then I left her at at restaurant with her Asian friends and headed to the Go station. I waited around for a half hour to pick up my soul mate, Red.

It took us a bit, but we finally found each other. She called me because I kept losing my service and when I spotted her, I ran at her shouting, "I see you! I see you! I see you!"

It was beautiful. We talk quickly, meet up with Kaylee, hit up the dollar store, and then go back to her car. The three of us go to the Christmas market which was amazing. The lights were beautiful, there was a maze, the food smelled delicious. There was an exception of Beaver Tails, which really should have been there. Seriously.

We drove back to my place. My roommate, Morgan, and I headed out to the dollar store (Hannah needed a hat too) and ran into George. He immediately handed me some macrons (spelling?) and I was surprised. It was lovely. We joked around and whatnot, then when we headed back. I tried to keep away from George. I didn't want to come off as clingy or anything, but then he came and walked beside me. I felt slightly special, ahaha.

Okay, so. Long story short, people started showing up and we started drinking. By the time that everyone showed up, people were drunk. Longer story short, George and I ended up in front of Morgan's bedroom door for whatever reason. He asked if we could have a Drunk Talk, and I said sure but a short one.

I remember him lying on the bed first, and then pulling me down by my waist. I settled into him, and he grabbed my hand. It was lovely, because I didn't want to grab his because of the fact that I was so anti-clingy. I'm really glad he grabbed my hand though.

We discussed our stress and whatnot of the week, and then he asked me if we could have our Indigo date when we come back from break. I, of course, said yes. THEN, THEN, THEN he asked me if I'd ever heard of Snakes and Lattes and asked if I WOULD GO WITH HIM. Can we be excited?!? Seriously. The place is where you go to drink hot drinks and play board games. How date-like is that? Even if it isn't date-like, he asked meeeee. He asked meeee. I don't give a shit. He asked me, and not Margo to go with him. That counts for something, right?

...as I type this, I realize how much I don't feel like typing it anymore. I've told who I needed to tell. I don't need to tell the rest of the world, do I?

[vintage-teaspoon]

[deepsquared]

[lovequotesrus]

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[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I'mma remember this for when I have money.

[thenitsbeautiful-blog]

I have the most wonderful friends. Absolutely wonderful.

[w0ahcam]

can you imagine getting the phone call that somebody in your family has been killed while at school? parents were planning christmas for their children, now they have to plan funerals. this morning they saw them get on the bus and now they won’t ever see them again. thoughts and prayers go out to everyone effected in the CT shooting.

[shocktheproblematique]

Insanity. This happened 2 towns over from where I live. I was in the middle of English class, and somebody ran in and said there just was a shooting. That was around 11:30 I think, and at the time the only confirmed casualty was the gunman. Right then a bunch of us all started getting texts and calls from our parents saying they loved us and to be careful, and we were pretty much confused as hell, until we were able to jump online and realize the severity of what just happened. I don’t even know man, this was so close to home, and part of my family knew one of the women who was killed. So this was my reality check for the year. Fucking tragic.