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Snapping Out Of It

Whatever it is, I have snapped out of it. Thankful for that moment of clarity and that I didn’t spiral too hard this time.

So stupid to have fallen for it. But I guess this is one of those lessons that only time can teach, that only living through it would the lesson unfold.

And so I must forgive myself.

One of the random thoughts I have that pops up in my head every now in then is death, mine and my mom’s. I don’t want to be morbid, I don’t like thinking about it especially my mom’s because I truly would be lost without her. But knowing that day will come inevitably, I realized it is one of my greatest fears. Sometimes I even think it might be better if I went first, but then I wouldn’t want to leave her with the burden of taking care of everything I leave behind, or leaving her in this world that she’s no longer familiar with. And if she goes first, I would be so devastated and heartbroken and i wouldn’t know how to go about my life. Many decisions I make are influenced by her, and her (not so quiet) presence is a my confidence. So when I’m able to arrange these thoughts and put everything together it might sound better. But right now I just want to write down everything that’s in my mind. I really avoid thinking about this topic, I distract myself with something else right away when it creeps in, but at the same time it is an inevitable thing. So I just hope and pray for strength and clarity at all times.

I finally tried pickleball for the first time last Sunday. I really enjoyed it, though I expected to enjoy it since it’s quite similar to table tennis. The people there were really nice to accommodate us considering they’re already in the intermediate levels.

Lately, I’ve had thoughts bursting here and there at random times of the day, and I always say I will write about them when I have the time and I regret not taking notes because I completely forget about them when I have the time to actually write.

I don’t feel happy today, and that’s okay because it’s okay not to be happy every day.

Somehow Tumblr feels a bit lonely.

Dance All Night

Surprisingly, I really like Rosé’s solo album? I say surprisingly because I’ve never been a fan of K-Pop so I didn’t expect I would like her songs. So far "Dance All Night" is the song that has me listening on repeat, though I have to say there are so many good songs on this album. Maybe I like it because it’s a sad/breakup album. I truly believe we unintentionally write really good stuff when we’re sad.

March 16, 2026

And that was the last time they wore diapers at night.

Moving Up & Some Updates

Just like that, the boys are done with Kindergarten! It’s a heartwarming milestone, but at the same time the thought of waking up early everyday for the years to come is just so unbearable right now. Though I’ve been waking up early lately for their practices, and I do like it actually. It’s just going to be a big adjustment for me, and I’m not even the one going to school. Haha. Parenting is challenging for me, and I wonder what the next stages are going to be like for us.

There’s been a few unexpected turn of events with regard to Ayala, they actually called us and decided to renew and relocate us! All those monthsss of torture, anxiety, tears, self-doubt, etc. I’m so grateful for it, and SM also expects us to open this year. Not sure if it’s the best time to do construction at the same time, considering the situation in the middle east. I do hope it will end soon.

Gonna take the boys for a haircut today. There are lesser cars on the street due to the oil price hike, heard it’s gonna go even higher next week.

Just realized it's been a while since I posted anything. Today was just one of those days where I miss the old me who used to write a lot, even though it was redundant, I broke down every emotion I had. That has its ups and downs, though.

For some reason, the toxic guy managed to accuse us of 'slowly detaching', and we just had a minor confrontation again ( or he confronted me about it again) but I'm just so tired. I no longer want to waste my energy on him. I don't know how to tell him that yes we are still trying to be the way we were before, but energies have shifted, he can't expect for things to just go back to normal after starting some sh*t. He got used to that, I think. The energy is off now, though we try to be as normal as we can be, but we don't want to hang out that much, and he needs to learn to read between the lines. The problem is he always chooses to bring it up, to confront it instead of letting things be and maybe then everything will slowly go back to normal if there was some space or maybe we will end up drifting apart completely and we should just let nature take its course. I think we have very different definitions of 'maintaining friendships'. He thinks it's (smothering) efforts that matter, we think giving space is the way... and somehow we're gonna end up being the villains but at this point I really don't care that much anymore.

To be honest, though.. His presence and pestering do give color to our lives. It's like he's still in that stage where he's still addicted to drama, I went through it too. He thinks talking it out is healthy and I am at this 'let them' stage. Though not 100% yet, sometimes I still have the urge to 'explain', my ego still overpowers me sometimes but I am more self-aware so I try to take a deep breath and just let it go.

I do think we are not aligned, as friends. But the universe made our paths cross, I can still remember that day we started talking to them in school, there must be a lesson there and I hope I've learned it so that we can all move on.

Last 2/6/2026, Louis asked not to wear diaper to sleep for the first time. Mixed feelings, he’s a big boy now.

Part of my struggle now at this stage is that they’re learning to talk back, or defend themselves, and they’re learning new words and saying things like stupid and crazy. Been explaining to them that it’s not the words that are bad, it’s when they use ‘em to make fun of someone or laugh at someone. But I guess it’s inevitable, and I hate being a nagger… But we mustn’t tire making them understand, right? I don’t want to raise annoying kids (if they're not already haha) and truly they’re good kids especially when they’re outside.

Just waiting for a client now~

Ramblings

Geez. I am 42, and I am truly at a point where I am faced with a situation that I don’t know what to do about. I can’t believe that if someone asked me what’s next, my answer right now would be ‘I don’t know’. And this is new to me because I always felt like I have it figured out… Not everything obviously, but like, in general.. I thought it would be smooth. Like I’m set to take over, just continue the legacy in hopes of improving it along the way, but I guess it’s a lesson that one must never feel comfortable because change is the only constant thing in this world. Okay I don’t know what to do about Ayala, but then there’s SM, my little hope and I just need to figure something out for the barbers and hairdressers. I think because leaving would mean taking a risk, that’s why it’s scary for me. But I trust in the brand, I trust the vision even though current trends are going against it now. The stubborn side of me makes me want to stick with our vision, but could that be the downfall? I feel like I say I’m confused but in my head it’s clear, I just don’t know how to go about it yet, or take the plunge, so to speak.

Well anyway right now I’m still waiting to hear back from them, we made a final proposition with hopes it will merit us a long term lease, and if they say no to it then that’s it I think I’ll just see from there and be forced to take it to another direction. We’re also going to start construction at SM this year, so there’s that. It’s a reality that we are all just chess pieces for big corporations.

I read somewhere that we are living in a simulation, and the older I get the more I believe in it.. Because you know, we come into this world where there’s already a pattern or system in place, and we are all expected to follow the normal path except for a few whose lives turn out to be really exciting, successful or disastrous. But would believing in it saying I don’t believe in God. Hmm, okay this is a thought for another post maybe haha. It’s so random.

The other day, I had a client come in that I haven’t seen since her last session in 2018. When she came in, she took off her wig and disclosed that she had cancer in 2019, and her hair hasn’t grown back since the chemo sessions. She told me she didn’t even tell her sisters back here in the Philippines, she didn’t want sympathy, she said, so she managed to hide it from them until she became cancer-free. But she had to tell me because I needed to know that information as her PMU artist, but still she shared with me her cancer journey, their 50th reunion (the main reason she came home this time) and some other things that happened in the last 8 years. It made me somehow emotional that people trust me with their stories, that they feel safe to tell me things.. She told me she was relieved she had the permanent makeup, she had her brows retouched/refreshed, and had her lower eyeliner done, so she doesn’t have to put on basic daily makeup anymore. She’s going back to the states so I’m going to see her again for the free touch up. Our session was really warm and touching.

Ironically, the next client I had was a woman whom I see once every two years, she’s someone who had so much done on her face, and this time her lips were so poutier than usual, I think she had fillers very recently. I mean no judgment there, I was just amused by the contrast of it. She talked about how Indians have taken over where she lives in Canada, and that apparently shaving armpit hair and putting on deodorant is against their religion, as shared by her Indian coworker. We just talk about anything under the sun during these retouch sessions, haha.

Random Updates

So my life lately has been… Peaceful? Colorless? Not sure which one describes it more accurately. But I do like it, it’s just like our life before we met the toxic couple. It was fun knowing them. Now no one expects to hang out anymore, no one’s really talking anymore except for me and the toxic guy. I can feel they’re also slowly detaching (especially the wife), and it’s okay. I realized we’ve only known each other for more than a year, we could do without each other in our lives. Now we’re just like the parents who casually say hi when we bump into each other in school. Back to the beginning, except it’s not going anywhere this time because of that ‘stain’ in the friendship. It’s all good, I guess. I did grieve that friendship for a while, but now I’m at peace with how things are.

I have other, bigger things to worry about. Work has been bugging me as there’s a really big wave coming up and I’m worried it might wash us away. But I’m determined to figure something out. Ayala has been renovating and ‘upgrading’, and it’s treating old tenants like shit. We were one of the pioneers, 30 years as their tenant, and they’re not going to renew our contract after 2026. I know, it’s purely a business decision, but they could have a little heart too. This is something so heavy that I couldn’t write about it since I found out 2 years ago. A bit of a good news is, we are reopening in SM, but they only want the PMU, nails and skin care services.

Tension in Tainan

I can feel something strange in the house in Tainan. For some reason, uncle Power doesn’t seem like himself. It was his birthday yesterday, and they already had a family dinner planned. We came home a day earlier than expected because of the cold weather in Taipei, so maybe they felt obliged to invite us since we were suddenly in town. But he didn’t even pretend to - not that we would have gone even if they insisted.

What unsettles me is the change in small things. For the first time, he asked us to park across the street. He’s always let us park in the garage whenever we visit, and that was his quiet way of saying we were welcome there. I don’t mind parking across, but we never heard him complain of not being able to get a spot before.

I don’t know what’s going on, but everything feels heavy now. And honestly, if it weren’t for grandma, I don’t think I’d even want to go home there anymore. It almost feels like having us around is a burden, even though I know we haven’t done anything wrong. It just seems like something on their side has changed… and I can feel it.

Jessy’s birthday dinner last week :)

So I still chose not to bring it up, the coffee, the toothpaste, I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her because she works so much and so instead of making her feel like she needs to change I just decided to focus on what I can control. These are not major issues, I can let it slide.

Healing

As I get older, I’m starting to realize something: our parents were also just living their lives for the first time, the same way we are now. They didn’t have a manual, they didn’t always know better, and most of the time they were just doing the best they could with what they had.

That doesn’t erase the fact that some of their choices or their inability to show love in the ways we needed left marks on us. I read someone say, “But that doesn’t give them the right to pass trauma on or control their kids,” and that’s true. But what surprised me was my own reaction to that. I felt like, yes, we can acknowledge the pain, but at some point it becomes our responsibility to heal. We can stay angry, or we can decide to break the cycle and not carry the same weight forward.

I’m not talking about people who went through severe abuse, that’s different and far more complicated. I mean the quieter things, like parents who never learned how to say “I love you,” or who couldn’t meet us emotionally in the ways we longed for. Those gaps affect us as adults, in our relationships and the way we see ourselves. But whether or not they ever apologize, whether or not they even see it, the work of healing is still ours.

It’s not about excusing what happened, it’s about choosing not to stay stuck in it. At the end of the day, this is the only life we get and carrying all that hurt forever just means we let it keep shaping us. Healing, even if it’s messy and slow, is how we reclaim the chance to live it fully.

Last night, my heart must’ve broken into a million pieces. Lucas suddenly started talking about things at school. He told me that he drew two moms but wrote “mom” and “dad.” When I asked him why, he said he didn’t know, he was just scared the teacher might get angry if he didn’t follow.

But that wasn’t what broke my heart. He went on to say that no one likes to play with him at school, that no one listens when he calls them. Then he added, “I just play with no one lang.” When I asked how that made him feel, he said it made him angry, but only angry in his mind (unlike at home, where he screams and shouts when he is upset, probably because it feels like his safe place).

While listening to him, I just felt so helpless. It is one of those things you cannot protect your child from. No matter how much you want to shield them, there are moments in life that they simply have to face and figure out on their own. All we can really do is build up his confidence at home, so he always knows he has a place where he is loved, understood, and free to be himself.

He did not feel sorry for himself, so I did not make him feel like he should. But my heart was still shattering into pieces. Such an innocent child, and it sucks that I cannot fix everything for him. It hurts in ways I cannot explain, having to stand back while the world touches him in ways I wish it never would. Parenthood feels cruel sometimes, because the hardest thing to do is nothing. To just watch. To hold yourself back when every part of you wants to step in.

But I trust that he will figure it out, in his own time. Until then, we will pour every ounce of love, faith, and guidance into him, even if it’s quietly from the background.

———

So Charles Kirk’s death really shocked me. I’m not a fan I don’t like him at all but still the way it went down…. Man.

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