I wish I spilled my guts like a teenage girl when I was a teenage girl.
I so badly want to know what I was thinking and feeling on a rained out and mundane day like today when I was seventeen.
Fantasizing was a big part of my girlhood, I remember that.
Maybe I was imagining myself in a music video singing my most beloved heartbreak song. Ha!
Funny how some dreams never die.
This āwishing I was a journal-erā came about because I wanted to share a morsel of the beginnings of my upcoming single, āIs Your Heart A Mess, Too?ā.
I wrote this song ten years ago. I was seventeen and was starting to get good with songwriting and production, had just gotten my first guitar and that reeeeaaaallly unlocked something in me about songwriting.
I remember this one flowing from me pretty easily. At that age, my emotions were so on fire all the time. I felt engulfed by extremes of feelings that were sooo weighty. Fanned by a million and one questions that I was too tongue tied to ask.
But, I donāt know, I was too private or maybe even prideful to acknowledge my feelings, even to myself.
All of that was channeled into this songā the burning questions in my echo chamberā and it made it feel different to the other songs I had written around that time. It didnāt deny the indefinite feeling-fever I felt. And that was so new and special to me.
Even as Iāve grown up, as both a woman and a songwriter, inevitably shunning and blind spotting parts of my younger self that was naive or even a little embarrassing, this song always pulled me back.
I revisited āIs Your Heart A Mess, Too?ā many times over the last ten years. Never to edit it, rather always to duet with my younger self. If it werenāt for her, I would not be where Iām at now. And I love where Iām at now.
While I donāt have any written pieces of my thoughts from back then, my heart is quelled that I at least have this song. I get to give voice to seventeen year old me who wouldnāt have dared to express herself so openly this way. I mean, I am cringing a little bit now at the thought of sharing all of this, but Iāll work through it lol.
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