ANGRY @therapy-talk - Tumblr Blog

Therapy is kicking my ass

#emdr is a lot #and I just started and just got told the organization is getting cut next march #hate my life when am I not gonna have to be abandoned #therapy talks

#crying my fucking eyes out I want a normal mom

Back in my no good very bad venting era

#2 friends on 2 separate occasions this week just completely ditch plans to hang out. not to be dramtic but what the fuck did I do #about this close to ending it all (joking)#therapy talks

ihatemynose

wish i could take my brain out and blow on it like a nintendo ds game card

Anyone else's therapist flat out refuses to listen to you and to tell you what's wrong with your brain?

I will literally say "I don't feel heard and I feel like my negative emotions are not allowed" and then when I try to express I feel sad it gets completely ignored.

And I will plead with her to tell me what's wrong with my brain and she will end the session saying she knows but I don't need to know. Woman, I am drowning here. Just telling me to practice mindfulness is making me want to eat glass at the moment.

#therapy #mindfulness #stress #burnout #anxiety #i left today's session absolutely raging inside. I DON'T FEEL HEARD I NEED TO KNOW YOU HEAR ME

Oh my god I'm so so lonely. I'm so lonely and all my friends either live far away or don't wanna bother hang out with me, it feels like.

Anyways kind of spiralling about the fact that I opened up about my burnout and desire to do something small with friends and nobody has taken me up on it and several people have declined. Like am I not worth an hour or 2 of your time? Just a coffee? Am I that miserable?

#christ #like. i can see your ig stories! i see you meeting up and making plans with other friends #therapy talks

My brain is broken. It feels broken. I feel useless and stupid and like I'm too high maintenance to be worth it. I don't get how people do this. I don't get it I don't all I can do is be scared and helpless and I need my hand held with everything and I can't do things I can't I want to but I can't I'm so so so so so fucking tired.

I don't want this anymore. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to do this, I want to give up and curl up in a ball and die except the people I love and who love me won't like that.

And I'm so scared so scared when I think about them and how they will all die before me and I will be all alone in the world with nobody to help me and nobody who sees me and I already feel so so so so so alone all of the time I don't, I can't, I don't want to feel like this anymore.

My brain is broken that's all it can repeat anymore. It's broken it's broken it's all I was ever good for and it's all gone. It doesn't feel like it will ever get better and I think it's stupid to say that it will. What if it won't? I'm so so scared that it won't...

#therapy talks #i've had so many panic attacks or adjacent stuff lately and I feel so guilty about it towards my partner #feel like a shit partner. burnt out and too scared of the world. why would you want me

I hate feeling jealous because while I realize people deserve good things and I'm happy that people get nice things I can't help but resent that I'm burnt out laying in bed for 10 hours and on the couch for the other 13 while the obvious favorite intern at my old internship just got a permanent job there.

My mental health is in the shit. I don't have the energy to do anything and that sucks.

#therapy talks

The ways life can change in just 6 months is weird. Like hi I moved across the country and am semi moved in with my partner now, I got an internship, and I fixed both of those things really quickly.

It's weird, like a good weird, but also overwhelming. A little over a month ago we decided this would be better and 3 weeks later I was completely moved in 2 hours away from my previous place. Applied for this internship at a very cool place and 2 weeks later I had an interview, explanations on my tasks and a company email address.

It's been good, for the most part, getting practical work experience and halving my commute time, moving closer to family and my high school friends. I do miss my uni friends but we stay in touch. Like. It's good!

But it has also been really stressful, and now I have a week alone and I find that I've lost motivation for my studies. Don't really care that I'm most likely gonna fail this course. Staying in bed until 1 PM for the second day in a row.

That's stupid. Feels stupid. I don't wanna be reliant on others to get me out of bed, but it's the first time in about 3 months that I'm sleeping without people holding me accountable to get up, because before this I was either sleeping over at my partner's place or my mom's place. Now my partner's on holiday and it's just me in the big house with the other housemates I just. I lay here rotting. I'm so tired from getting all this done in so little time, making time for his family as well, worrying about paperwork for my internship.

I'm tired and it scares me. It feels like the bad times. I should've figured out I didn't wanna continue research and uni way earlier because it's making me absolutely miserable.

#let's be clear here I'm not upset about moving I'm upset that things (99% study related and 1% getting my stuff moved across the country)#take up SO MUCH ENERGY.#i am so done with studying. i don't feel the joy in it anymore. i don't wanna write ANOTHER thesis. but quitting feels like failure #even though it would probably make me so much happier #and there's no one to talk about this with me right now so I'm wallowing in bed not doing my resit assignment not really caring if i fail #and venting online about it instead.#therapy talks

I'm sad and lost and I don't know how to fix it.

Realized I don't wanna go further into academia but it's the only thing I know how to do. And I might know that I don't want this, but I don't know what I want to do either.

And it feels incredibly alone. I'm overwhelmed. I'm tired. I'm spending too much time in bed again and tired all the time and I don't know how to stop the spiral.

I want a hug and I won't get it until Saturday. I find it hard to reconcile with his need for alone time. I know that makes me selfish and a hypocrite.

I'm sad so sad. Spent my birthday alone, which was fine, but half of my friends didn't send me any message which just. Apparently I'm not that important then. One friend forgot and sent me a message a day later, which feels a little better, I just I hoped people would notice, well, me? My existence?

And I know I sound whiny! I know this. Sometimes I just feel a little locked up here up north, trainrides away from my non-uni friends and my partner and any family. And with everyone having their shit sort-of together I feel like a small child.

#okay time to sleep that's enough whiny stuff #things just. they suck and I don't know how I will make it better #therapy talks

No sleep!

#no coping either. ptsd is a fucking riiiiiide i thought I was more well adapted by now #therapy talks

So sad so in need of a hug. Everything feels off and shit and SHIT. I really really need a hug so I hope he sleeps well and lets me come by tomorrow. I hate long distance. I am still angry but I need a hug from him and I need to talk it through. And if I can only come on saturday.. idk. I'll have to leave on monday. Feels like blackmail to say that now. Just. Might be going over my own boundaries if I go for 2 days and that's not good, but I don't think I can wait another week.

This sucks this sucks we can normally keep this healthy I just. I need support, and I'm not getting it, and I'm normally very good at letting him have his own thing but I just. Idk.

#i'm gonna cry again. I'll know tomorrow if I can get on a train and I don't know what I'll do if he says he wants to wait until saturday #i might just tell him I'll stay at home for the weekend and work on my presentation #ask to call or something #but that'll make me feel like shit because I won't get a hug #therapy talks

I feel STUPID and sad and triggered and alone.

Had to watch a film in class today, which had 2 scenes that triggered the hell out of me and made me blank out for the rest of the class. And then I went home and took a 3 hour nap, and then I thought I felt a bit better. The boyfriend asked how my day was so I told him, but also that I was feeling a bit better after a nap. Which, all good!

He offered to talk a bit more about it but at the time I was like "it's fine I feel a bit better."

And then, an hour or so later, I didn't. So I asked what he was doing and if we maybe could call for a bit. But he didn't want me to see the preparations for a party game he's hosting this saturday and he needed me-time, so he declined.

Which: fair! Totally fair! And I could have told him I changed my mind and wanted to talk a bit about the shitty stupid fucking scene. But I don't wanna overstep when he needs alone-time, especially when he's learning to take more time for himself.

Just... he offered to talk. And then he doesn't want to talk. And I'm here fucking crying my eyes out the entire afternoon and evening and I can't put it anywhere. I can't put it down. And it sucks and it feels like I'm 10 years old again, terrified on the stairs of my childhood home, with my mom yelling at me that she's gonna kill me in the most explicit way possible. And I'm 10 years old and I don't know what to do, and I feel so alone, and I'm always gonna be that little girl at least a little bit.

I'm so tired. So fucking tired. I've been that 10 year old for over 10 years and it's never gonna fucking stop.

#therapy talks #i feel like shit and I wanna be angry at him but I know that's not fair #but I still am. I am and I am and I'm hurting. so bad.

Also I'm graduating babeyyyyyyy! Sooooo happy with my final grades that's degree 2 out of 3 done!

#therapy talks

Tipsy on the train had 3 or 4 glasses of rosé, spend an afternoon talking to people I don't know and see once a year at this bday party, glad to be going back to my boyfriend, I'm soooooo mushy and in love the world is good mostly in my corner atm I'm tiiiired my social battery is drained there's a party all day tomorrow I'm looking forward to monday going to a show.

#i feel. happy? i don't mind feeling awkward around people I don't know anymore which is great. I don't owe them anything!#i am loved and I love and if people don't like my awkward self then fuck them. fuck it. been too long letting others influence my mood #+ behavior #tired and over it. either like me for my awkward self or get out idv #idc*#wishhhh wish I could feel this way all the time but rn? this is good I feel good #therapy talks

I feel so much. I feel so much so much love and adoration and happiness and happiness and happiness.

I could look into his eyes forever. I go home and I miss him. And it's not in an "I can't live or be without you for even a moment," because that's bullshit. There are a lot of things and people I love and I really like being alone and doing my own thing. It's just that whenever I see him his face lights up and I can't stop smiling so hard my jaws hurt and butterflies are real and I want to be in his arms forever.

And forever is long and I don't want to get ahead of ourselves and we're not rushing anything. I don't want to and he doesn't want to. And if at any point it doesn't work, or we don't feel like this about each other, we'll let each other go, and that'll be fine. But it does sound very nice, forever. I feel so loved. I'm so full of love. And it's stupid stupid stupid but it's so all-encompassing.

#therapy talks #and I feel so vulnerable but it feels so good to be able to fully be myself with him and trust someone so completely #wanna give him space and see him grow as a person and vice versa oh my god I'm so fucking in love

Feeling stupidly frustrated and whiny but I just need cuddle time and things keep getting put in front of that

#therapy talks #sigh i'm a little angry stop walking away!#the entire day!#and now we're too tired and need to sleep. and I leave tomorrow. get me quality time. now.

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