Selfies pt. 1 | Self destruction
I didnât like seeing myself, It gave me anxiety. And why wouldnât it right? As kid i had a self-image of myself that never translated well to me in a picture from  that ominous third chin that seems to appear if the angle isnât right, or me, being a very small person (skinny) I always tended to look malnourished next to others, validated almost every time by hearing from relatives or friends âyou need to eatâ or âare you okay?â It never struck me as complimenting. I knew deep down I wasnât those things and made the decision early on to just avoid it altogether by just not taking pictures.Â
Even looking back on high school photos I still have to sit back in disbelief to know, that at that time, in that moment, I was the most comfortable person with myself, but in a picture? I looked pathetic. those comments constantly had me believing that I shouldnât look this way or that I needed to eat more (even though I ate more than most). Â I acted on this mental undertone for all of my childhood and most of my adult life. Â Right down to being more comfortable arguing with someone rather than to just take the picture itself and let it be what it is. Â
I didnât know it at the time, but I was slowly killing myself mentally. Even as I look back on my kid days I see a whole different picture now. Literally running from others opinions instead of following my own. Anytime I was asked to take a picture all those thoughts of how I would have to answer âfunnyâ puns or explain to others that Iâve had not only 3 full meals but snacks in between. It was an exhausting thing to think through, and by the time I was able to verbalize it, 9/10 times it just came out as me being a prick.Â
I decided early on along with this that I loved being behind a camera, there were many reasons for it⌠just like the anxiety and fear of me being permanently suspended in a frame with all my faults, and reasons for someone to take a stab at my appearance. I looked at it as⌠if Iâm behind the lens I can control what I chose to suspend, what memory to take away and if it wasnât good enough, I could just delete it.  I spent my early 20âs  trying to convince myself I could control that. And  failed every time as a result. I allowed myself to miss out on so many opportunities as a photographer because I didnât have the âright lensâ or âperfect lightingâ or flawlessly composed subject. It discouraged me to the point where I abandoned my passion all together. That very moment where I put down what I loved because of the belief that It would never be perfect is where I stopped winning. I could walk you through the pain of personal struggles and mental anguish that I put myself through because of this mentality. But instead, Iâd like to share with you my victory over it all.Â
It took a very severe depression for me to look at things differently. and at this point, I had turned my back on everything that I loved under the perception that none of that would be great or recognized as good. Even relatives and significant others compliments wouldnât phase me. What i was missing through all this is the PERSONAL belief I had in myself that I was doing what i truly enjoyed regardless of the result. all I saw and continued to see what the image I had of myself as a kid versus what others stated about my physical appearance.
I remember it vividly⌠It had to take a hard look in the mirror. Not just the thumbs up saying  "you got it dude". It was the hardest thing I had to face.  After a few minutes of being Stripped down, the thoughts of others running through my head, the doubt, hate, and failures bouncing around in my mind that I let define me all these years realizing then that I was believing everything around me and predicating my worth based on that  but never understood fully what I believed for myself. I knew I had to start there, what did I want from life?Â
I looked myself in the eyes, and that was hard⌠for the first time I saw the ignorance in them  thinking I could dictate my life in the same way I believed  I could with my camera. Moving around circumstances to create a picture that I saw fit. All these years I had tried to capture my existence by moving things around me instead of adapting with them, to create the perfect picture. In truth the perfect picture is truly flawed and like the social distortion song âball and chainâ it hit me :Â
âWell Iâve searched and Iâve searched To find the perfect life A brand new car and a brand new suit I even got me a little wife But wherever I have gone I was sure to find myself there You can run all your life But not go anywhereâ  â Social distortion | Ball & Chain
I was searching for all these things that didnât matter. Burning rubber and making noise but not ever gaining traction. Not to me at least⌠I had secluded myself from everything I loved due to the understanding that the ones around me didnât enjoy it so it had to of been wrong. I did exactly as Mike Ness had said⌠I had went after all those things thinking it would define me as a person, I had owned some amazing cars, been in amazing relationships,  and had small climbs up the  corporate ladder however it did nothing but bring me down and hurt the ones surrounding me. I wasnât following what was truly me. When you hear about rock bottom you donât really think about it until your in a predicament like I was, and more importantly they say the only place to go in a place like that is up. So thatâs where I headed. I stared that same face in the mirror and made a decision to start working towards things on my own terms no matter how small or little they may seem to others. The things I once felt belittled by now defined me. And by that definition I knew the road that was in front of me was going to be a hard one, but I had some tools now that gave me the confidence to at least take the first step.  I started a list the first one dealing with my health, being a consistent 135-140lbs most my life (yeah i know, small) I had somehow managed to get down to 119lbs, and that to me was alarming. Thankfully I had a friend close by that went to the local YMCA often that got me on the right track. He expressed to me when working out was nutrition. The combination of the two put me on a path to success within myself that I never believed to be possible. And that is where the new me began for me⌠\
[part 2 coming soon! Â : Finding & Sustaining Happiness]
-Ritchie Brown | Owner @ therealshopUS
Â
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
gracieabrams
