As of April 2025, I'm back after a hiatus and I'm open to taking requests. Feel free to drop any questions.
Hello! I hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself! Call me Ororo/Roe! đŤđ I use he/they pronouns and am a black, twenty-five-year-old, intermediate/beginner writer.
There's a soft spot for grumpy/neurotic characters here, but I'm loving and appreciate the softer ones that don't need redemption arcs too.
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The masterlist is currently being revamped/redone as of 05/20/2025. âđ˝
Of course Walker stans donât think heâs racist, theyâre all the same type of person he is:
The type who literally canât even conceive of racism occurring unless a slur is being used. They get on this app, and every other app, they walk around in real life, all day long, being disrespectful and dismissive to Black people and other people of color, they hurl microaggressions at anyone who even slightly inconveniences them or disagrees with them, and then when anyone has the nerve to acknowledge the tenor and tone of that disrespect, they act all surprised and claim it isnât racism and antiBlackness because they didnât use a slur while doing it.
Yâall stan him because you are him, and it shows in every reply, reblog, and post.
Deleted my post about not liking John Walker, a meme, for not understanding why others like him so damn muchâ because I felt threatened and ashamed to just have one opinion about a character in this fandom.
I was called stupid for not "looking into his character" and then even apologized when I didn't have to. None of that shouldn't have happened. Even if it took me way too long to process why.
I hopped onto Marvel way too late (because I didn't have the resources or community to when I was younger + covid) and I'm realizing just how disingenuous and hateful some of y'all can truly be. It's simultaneously soul-crushing and ridiculous.
Regardless of whether or not you waste your time sending me hate/outright racist messages over this, or disagree, you can just unfollow or block me.
I will participate in this fun game of @the-blind-assassin-12.
I am going to tag all fics with #marchficmadniss25 and also put them in this list.
Just a little disclaimer: I'm sorry if I sometimes repeat myself or say "this is so good, I love this". That's just me and not you. I 100% always mean it that way.
I love you all, you are amazing writers and this is just a little thank you from me to you. đ
Brutalized her teaser (Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers ) from @buckysm
All's well that ends well to end up with you (Bucky Barnes ) from @flowersforbucky
Holding it together (Logan) by @just-dreaming-marvel
Touch Starved (Bucky Barnes) by @mrsbuckybarnes1917
Fulfillment Initiated (Ari Levinson ) by @stargazingfangirl18
Defense Mode (Steve Rogers ) by @stargazingfangirl18
Kinktober Day 27 (Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes) by @gremlin-girly
Steve Rogers Blurb by @spaceyca
Dancing in the daydream (Andy Barber) by @jamneuromain
Panicked (Niall Horan) by @niallhorxns
My Queen (Bucky Barnes) by @sosa2imagines
Ride it (Bucky Barnes) by @navybrat817
Sweeting the arch (Bucky Barnes) by @buck-star
Hold you tight (Masterlist) (Bucky Barnes) by @navybrat817
Just a human (Steve Rogers) by @anika-ann
Weakness (Bucky Barnes) by @marvelstoriesepic
I have a proposal for you (Steve Rogers ) by @fanfictiongirlie
Birds of a feather (Bucky Barnes) by @jobean12-blog
Bad Chem (Steve Roger's and Bucky Barnes) by @writing-for-marvel
Steve's Birthday request by @crowsofdarkness
Ride or Die (Bucky Barnes) by @catharinawrites
Punishment on the poker table (Nick Fowler, Lee Bodecker, Ari Levinson, Llyod Hasen) by @thyme-in-a-bubble
Nothing you could do (Steve Rogers) by @georgiapeach30513
The Penthouse master list (multiple characters/Fandom) by @kinanabinks
Tim Testing (Tim Bardfort) by @fluentmoviequoter
You're stuck with me (Bucky Barnes) @marvelouslizzie and @notafunkiller
My neighbor is a pornstar (Bucky Barnes) by @brunchable
The Horny Misadventures of Normad Steve (Steve Rogers) by @lokischambermaid
Have your cake (Bucky Barnes) by @theregretfulsouls
Happy birthday, congressman (Bucky Barnes) by @witchywithwhiskey
Problem Solver (Bucky Barnes) by @urfavfakeblonde
2:15 am (and I miss you) Part 2 (Bucky Barnes) by @buckysm
Falling first, falling hard (Bucky Barnes) by @daxisyzz
Trapped together (Bucky Barnes) by @societyfolklore
But baby it's cold outside (Bucky Barnes) by @buck-buck-buckaroo
Spoiled and stuffed (Bucky Barnes) by @thevillainswhore
In between college and figuring out my life, my mind has been purely fixated on Bucky Barnes or Sam Wilson. Maybe itâs my subconscious trying to cope between assignments? No idea.
Anyway, Iâm twenty-five now, so I made something for myself because I'm selfish like that.(/s) Anyway, this blog has been way overdue for some smut, so here's a blurb.
Important Notes: The reader is referred to as female with she/her pronouns and has a vagina. (Sorry to all my fellow mascs/enbyâs out there.) There is talk of her being younger, but is a consenting adult in her mid 20s, while Bucky is in his 40s.
Summary: Itâs your birthday and Bucky knows exactly what you want from him.
TW/Warnings: Themes of degradation, domination/submission, humiliation, light choking, spanking, heavy dirty talk and explicit language/content.Â
Word Count: Under 600.
The air was thick with heat, the sheets twisted beneath her, soaked with sweat and the evidence of how thoroughly heâd wrecked her.
Bucky caged her in, broad frame looming over her, body flush against her back, his chest slick with sweat as he pressed her down into the mattress. His metal hand gripped the back of her neck, firm, unyielding, keeping her where he wanted her.
âLook at you,â he growled, voice rough with amusement, with hunger, with possession. âFuckinâ wrecked already, and Iâm not even done with you.â
His cock pushed into her again, slow, stretching her cunt all over again like he hadnât already been inside her for what felt like hours. She sobbed into the pillow, legs trembling, body spentâbut he wasnât letting her go anywhere.
âCâmon, sweetheart,â he cooed mockingly, his flesh hand gripping her hip, his hold bruising. âYou wanted this, didnât you? Wanted me to fuck you stupid?â
She whimpered, nodding frantically, but that wasnât enough for him. âUse your words.â He huffed.
âYes,â she gasped, voice wrecked and raw. âWanted itâwanted youââ
Bucky chuckled darkly, snapping his hips forward, tearing air out from her lungs. âThatâs right. You fuckinâ begged for my cock.â
His pace was brutal, punishing, the wet slap of skin on skin filling the room, obscene and unrelenting. He was deepâso deep it was unbearable, so deep she could feel him in her belly, stirring up her guts. His metal fingers trailed down, pressing over the bulge where he stretched her open, making her cry at the sensation.
âFeel that, pretty girl?â he murmured, rolling his hips, grinding against the spot that made her see stars. âSo goddamn full of me.â She couldnât answerâcould only moan, broken and breathless, as he fucked her her raw open. âBet no oneâs ever fucked you like this before,â he said, huffing at the pathetic sound she made.
âBet those little boys youâve been with didnât even know what to do with a needy little thing like you.. This perfect pussyââ
She clenched around him at the humiliation, her body betraying her, and he groaned like an animal, his fingers tightening on her throat.
âFuck. You get even tighter when I talk to you like that,â he rasped. âYou like it, donât you? Like being treated like my dumb little fucktoy?â
She gasped, nodding, tears burning at the edges of her vision. âYeah, you do,â Bucky murmured, lips brushing against her ear as he slammed into her harder. Again and again. âSo desperate to be usedâbroken.â
A sharp slap landed across her ass, the sting making her cry out, making her walls flutter around him. âGonna thank me, birthday girl?â he taunted, voice thick with amusement through ragged pants. âGonna say thank you for giving you exactly what you wanted?â
She was beyond shame, beyond pride, beyond anything except the unbearable need clawing at her insides. âThank you!â she whimpered out, voice cracking on a squeal. Everything was so tight, so warm, even her eyes stung when he used her, fucking into her harder, deeper, until she was nothing but a sobbing, useless, and wrecked mess beneath him.
âHappy birthday, sweetheart,â Bucky huffed, his pace unrelenting. âNow be a good girl and keep taking it.âÂ
In between college and figuring out my life, my mind has been purely fixated on Bucky Barnes or Sam Wilson. Maybe itâs my subconscious trying to cope between assignments? No idea.
Anyway, Iâm twenty-five now, so I made something for myself because I'm selfish like that.(/s) Anyway, this blog has been way overdue for some smut, so here's a blurb.
Important Notes: The reader is referred to as female with she/her pronouns and has a vagina. (Sorry to all my fellow mascs/enbyâs out there.) There is talk of her being younger, but is a consenting adult in her mid 20s, while Bucky is in his 40s.
Summary: Itâs your birthday and Bucky knows exactly what you want from him.
TW/Warnings: Themes of degradation, domination/submission, humiliation, light choking, spanking, heavy dirty talk and explicit language/content.Â
Word Count: Under 600.
The air was thick with heat, the sheets twisted beneath her, soaked with sweat and the evidence of how thoroughly heâd wrecked her.
Bucky caged her in, broad frame looming over her, body flush against her back, his chest slick with sweat as he pressed her down into the mattress. His metal hand gripped the back of her neck, firm, unyielding, keeping her where he wanted her.
âLook at you,â he growled, voice rough with amusement, with hunger, with possession. âFuckinâ wrecked already, and Iâm not even done with you.â
His cock pushed into her again, slow, stretching her cunt all over again like he hadnât already been inside her for what felt like hours. She sobbed into the pillow, legs trembling, body spentâbut he wasnât letting her go anywhere.
âCâmon, sweetheart,â he cooed mockingly, his flesh hand gripping her hip, his hold bruising. âYou wanted this, didnât you? Wanted me to fuck you stupid?â
She whimpered, nodding frantically, but that wasnât enough for him. âUse your words.â He huffed.
âYes,â she gasped, voice wrecked and raw. âWanted itâwanted youââ
Bucky chuckled darkly, snapping his hips forward, tearing air out from her lungs. âThatâs right. You fuckinâ begged for my cock.â
His pace was brutal, punishing, the wet slap of skin on skin filling the room, obscene and unrelenting. He was deepâso deep it was unbearable, so deep she could feel him in her belly, stirring up her guts. His metal fingers trailed down, pressing over the bulge where he stretched her open, making her cry at the sensation.
âFeel that, pretty girl?â he murmured, rolling his hips, grinding against the spot that made her see stars. âSo goddamn full of me.â She couldnât answerâcould only moan, broken and breathless, as he fucked her her raw open. âBet no oneâs ever fucked you like this before,â he said, huffing at the pathetic sound she made.
âBet those little boys youâve been with didnât even know what to do with a needy little thing like you.. This perfect pussyââ
She clenched around him at the humiliation, her body betraying her, and he groaned like an animal, his fingers tightening on her throat.
âFuck. You get even tighter when I talk to you like that,â he rasped. âYou like it, donât you? Like being treated like my dumb little fucktoy?â
She gasped, nodding, tears burning at the edges of her vision. âYeah, you do,â Bucky murmured, lips brushing against her ear as he slammed into her harder. Again and again. âSo desperate to be usedâbroken.â
A sharp slap landed across her ass, the sting making her cry out, making her walls flutter around him. âGonna thank me, birthday girl?â he taunted, voice thick with amusement through ragged pants. âGonna say thank you for giving you exactly what you wanted?â
She was beyond shame, beyond pride, beyond anything except the unbearable need clawing at her insides. âThank you!â she whimpered out, voice cracking on a squeal. Everything was so tight, so warm, even her eyes stung when he used her, fucking into her harder, deeper, until she was nothing but a sobbing, useless, and wrecked mess beneath him.
âHappy birthday, sweetheart,â Bucky huffed, his pace unrelenting. âNow be a good girl and keep taking it.âÂ
What is your fav Bucky/Winter Soldier trope actually guys? I loveeee anything to do with recovery/healing Winter Soldier it just gets me in my feels majorly đĽşđĽş
Special shoutout to @mournthebird @blythesarchives @vunblr, your writing, IM IN LOVE đŤśđť
My favorite trope is, at his darkest moments, in fan reated content, is where he still recognizes the reader even through moments of reliving trauma or memories. That tight-knit bond that anchors and grounds the other through anything.
I love that steady flow of angst balanced by an established relationship no matter what.
It makes me think of a fic I read awhile ago about Bucky reverting under the state of his past self, The Winter Soldier, and *still* being protective of the reader. Despite it being unlikely, it just hits my heart in some way. I wish I could remember the author.
On a lighter note, I love the sunshine/grumpy trope. đ
Summary: You canât take another night of hearing Bucky fuck a girl who isnât you.
Word Count: 13.6k
Warnings: Bucky is a fuckboy (but heâs still a sweetheart); lots of talk about unrequited love (but is it?); mentions of sex; crying; lots of desperation; longing; heavy confessions; feels; happy ending
Authorâs Note: This is written for the lovely cinema themed writing challenge of @elixirfromthestars ⥠I had this kind of idea for a while but when I read those lyrics it somehow immediately came back to my mind and I needed to make something out of it. This is kind of inspired by your Boulevard Confessions because I loved it so much! And damn, I've already written so much about roommate!Bucky but I canât help myself lol, I love him. Also, this got a little long, I'm sorry. Still, I hope you enjoy! âĄ
Hold My Hand "Pull me close, wrap me in your aching arms. I see that you're hurtin', why'd you take so long to tell me you need me? I see that you're bleeding, you don't need to show me again. But if you decide to, I'll ride in this life with you. I won't let go 'til the end." â Lady Gaga
Masterlist
You hear the giggling before anything else.
Itâs always the giggling.
And, as always, it grates on your nerves.
It carves through the air, seeps into the walls, into the floorboards, into you. It tears its way inside and scrapes its manicured nails along the rawest and most sensitive parts of you, only to bury itself deep, where you canât simply dig it out.
Then comes the keys.
The light, metallic jingle, so careless in its melody, but so troubling in its meaning.
Then the lock turning, the click soft and yet so irrefutable.
Then the door opening.
More giggles.
His breathy chuckles.
Then the door closing.
Shoes being kicked off, one hitting the wall.
You press the pillow harder against your ears, as if you could suffocate the sound before it reaches you, as if you could bury yourself deep enough under the covers to escape what you already know is coming. But you canât. You never can.
Your brain usually does you the favors of drowning out the parts in the hallway, knowing it will probably make your heart stop in an instant. Today, it doesnât do you any favors and you close your eyes, accepting the sting behind them.
And then, his bedroom door.
And if all that wasnât torture enough, it was only the easy part.
Because now is when it really starts. Itâs when your throat closes up, the breath in your lungs turns heavy, thick, impossible. Because no matter how many times this has happened, no matter how many times you laid here in your bed, still, so still, waiting for the agony to stop, pretending it doesnât happen - it never stops hurting. It never stops breaking your heart - or whateverâs left of it.
At first, there is silence. The small period where you almost dare to believe, to hope.
But then comes the moaning.
High-pitched and breathy, hinting at a pleasure that strikes you with a hammer.
Someone else. Always someone else. Someone who is not you, someone who never had to try, someone who will never know what it means to ache for him like you do.
Then, quieter, but just as devastating, Buckyâs voice. The low sound of him unraveling. The sound of something slipping from him that you will never be able to take.
And thatâs what breaks you most. Thatâs what turns the ache into utter misery. Madness even. Itâs the inescapable proof that he has something to give - something deep, something intimate - and he is giving it away. Over and over again, but never to you.
You close your eyes, as always. It doesnât help, as always. The sounds donât stop anyway. The images come anyway - the touches you have imagined, the way his hands would feel against your skin, the way his mouth would shape your name if you were the one beneath him. The way he might look at you, if only he could see.
But right now, you are just the ghost in the next room, curled in on yourself, ears filled with the sound of someone else living the life you always wanted.
And in the morning, or right after, when the door will open again, when the giggling will turn to goodbyes, you will still be here, where you always are. Where you always will be. Waiting. Wanting. Breaking. Wishing you could turn it off, this feeling. This unendurable and never-ending heartbreak.
And that finally makes the tears flow.
They well up before they spill over, down the slope of your cheek, gathering in the hollow beneath your nose before falling onto the pillow and wetting it like a pool.
You squeeze your eyes shut, so tightly it should hurt, so tightly it should make them stop. But they come anyway. They come despite the barricade of your willpower, despite the way your body coils tighter in on itself. They come despite the desperate war you wage against them.
They come because you have lost. Because itâs too much.
The moaning doesnât stop, and itâs too much. Itâs the middle of the night, and itâs too much. Itâs the third night in a row, and itâs too much.
Buckyâs hushed voice shatters something inside of you, you didnât know was left intact a few seconds ago.
Your breath turns sticky, only half of it making its way up your throat. The other half stays attached to the walls of your throat like honey gone rancid. It refuses to leave completely, snagging and trapping you in the awful space between breathing and choking.
Maybe if it stopped altogether, it would be easier. Maybe suffocating would be gentler than this slow and unsparing death of heartbreak.
Your hands are shaking. You bury your face into the pillow, willing it to just take you as a whole and never let you leave again. The fabric muffles the shuddering sobs, but it cannot do anything for the way your body trembles. But you know that the sounds of pleasure in the other room will tune out the sounds of your cries. The pillow is being clutched so tightly, you might tear the fabric. But itâs your heart thatâs being torn into so many pieces. So what is a pillow compared to the ruin of your heart? Itâs nothing.
You are alone in your grief.
The moans stop for a second - abrupt, cut off mid-breath.
Buckyâs voice comes. He says something but you donât catch his words.
However, you do catch the displeased groan of his girl for the night. Drawn-out and petulant. Annoyed.
Bucky speaks again. Firmer, this time. Again, itâs too quiet to catch it.
And then you hear your name. Itâs muffled still, but you would hear your name coming from his lips always and forever. You know the exact cadence of it shaping his mouth.
Everything in you halts. Your breaths are suspended somewhere in your throat, caught between shock and devastation.
The girl scoffs. Itâs a snappy sound. Almost whiny. You would have rolled your eyes if you werenât so troubled.
The moaning resumes. But it is quieter this time. Controlled almost. A courtesy. A mercy. But not for you. Not in the way you wish.
And it makes you know.
He asked her to keep it down. For you. He must have told her he has a roommate - you - and that they need to be mindful, that you might be trying to sleep.
Somehow, in all the infinite ways he could have cared for you, this is the one he chose. Not to love you, not to want you, but to make sure his flings donât disrupt your sleep. As if thatâs the worst of it. As if the noise is what truly keeps you up at night, and not the agonizing truth of it all.
Harshly, your teeth sink into your lip, fighting to stifle the sob that trembles on the edge of you. But again, you are losing.
Because hearing your name in the middle of something so intimate, spoken in the same breath of his pleasure, is pure anguish.
Because your name should not exist there. Not like this. Not casually sneaking into a mind occupied with pleasuring someone else.
If he were to say your name in a moment like this, it should be a soft whisper against your skin, entangled in sheets, buried in kisses that steal the air from your lungs. It should be something private, something sacred.
Not an idle afterthought. A consideration. A passing thought before he loses himself in someone elseâs body. You have never heard him say any girlâs name before when sleeping with them, but hell you also donât try to listen too closely.
You wonât talk about this. You never talk about this. When the morning comes and you meet Bucky in the kitchen for breakfast, you will not mention it. Just like you never mention the other nights. Just like you never dwell on the soft apologies he offers when they got too loud. And just like always, you will brush it off, force a brittle smile, and tell him that itâs fine.
Itâs not. It never has been. And you donât think you ever manage to make it sound like you mean it. But you are gone before Bucky can push or apologize again. Or see how deep the knife has gone.
Because he might be careful to be quiet. But he will never be careful enough to stop breaking your heart.
So what is the point?
You donât want to do another morning like this.
You canât do another morning like this.
Not three times in a row.
Not when the night has already taken your soul and what was precious of it, barely sewn together by the time the sun fights its way through the window.
Not when you know how it will play out. Like it has the day before. And the day before that.
The door to his room will creak open, the girl already gone. You will hear the shuffle of his bare feet against the floor, the sigh as he stretches, and the yawn that usually makes it past his lips. He never tries to stifle it.
And then, him standing there and watching you.
Disheveled. Bed hair sticking up in a mess. You never let your mind wander to how her fingers might have something to do with that. His shirt would loosely hang over his frame, probably thrown on in a hurry, collar askew, revealing a sliver of skin you shouldnât be looking at.
That lazy and slightly flustered smile. Sleep still in the corners of his eyes, his lips, his voice, when he greets you with a scratchy morning.
Like nothing happened. Like he didnât shatter you into a thousand unfixable pieces last night. And the night before that. And now this night.
You will do your best to greet him back without sounding pained. Focusing on making coffee. The way the steam normally curls into the air, the warmth of the mug in your hands. You will have to focus on it as if itâs the only thing keeping you upright.
And despite knowing you shouldnât - despite hating yourself for it - you will slide a cup toward him. As you always do.
His smile would shift. Settling into something fond, something warm, something that digs its claws into your ribs and refuses to let go.
Because thatâs usually the worst part. Heâs always so sweet with you. Thoughtful, affectionate in ways that donât count. In the ways that make you feel like maybe if you just hold on a little longer, if you wait just a little more, he might start feeling what you do.
But you are certain, he wonât.
Because for him, everything seems fine. For him, this will be just another morning. Another easy, comfortable start to the day. With his eyes on you and sipping his coffee, exhaling like he is finally at peace, and leaning against the counter with a lightness that always has your stomach all up in shambles.
He always makes it seem so normal. Starting conversation with you, talking to you as if nothing has changed. Like you didnât spend the night curled in on yourself, swallowing down sobs so thick they feel like razor blades. Like you didnât spend the night choking on the sound of him with her.
He never mentions them. Never says any of the girlâs names, not that you even know what they are. He never makes plans to see them again. Just another faceless but very loud girl. One to be forgotten.
But tomorrow night, there will be another.
Tomorrow night will be the same.
And in the morning nothing will have happened.
Only him standing there with his sleep-mussed hair and that sweet, easy smile, drinking the coffee you should have stopped making for him a long, long time ago.
You rise out of bed, not even aware of it. The cold air nips at your tear-streaked cheeks, your sheets thrown back in a mass of tangled fabric still warm from the ball your body was curled in, breaking in silence. The pillow is still wet.
Your hands move on their own, tugging on slacks, yanking a hoodie over your head as though the fabric could hide you, save you from the devastation caving a hole into your chest.
You fumble for your phone before throwing open your bedroom door.
The moans are louder again. Yanking at your resolve and laughing at the way your tears keep coming.
Your feet move faster. You donât actually run, but it feels like running. Like fleeing. Escaping a burning building before it collapses. The living room comes into view and itâs like a cruel trick, like the universe is taunting you, because all you see are phantoms.
The coffee machine on the counter. How many times have you two stood there, still tousled with sleep, you making coffee for the both of you because Bucky burns everything. How many times did he lean on the counter, watching you with that stupid little half-smirk, pretending to judge your process but always humming in satisfaction when he took the first sip.
The bookshelf in the corner - the one you swore you could build on your own. And you tried, you really did, but the second the screwdriver slipped and you gasped out loud, Bucky was there immediately. Hands on yours, worry furrowing his brows, grumbling about your stubbornness and continuing to grumble when he passive-aggressively built it himself.
You sat cross-legged on the floor, watching him, pretending to be annoyed but secretly savoring the way he kept glancing at you, again and again, to make sure you were okay and giving you instructions as to how itâs done but throwing you a glare when you insisted on trying again.
The carpet. The same one you both collapsed onto after a night out with your friends, too tipsy to move, giggling like teenagers as you pointed at the ceiling, pretending to find constellations in the uneven paint. He named one after you. You named one after him. You fell asleep there, side by side, and when you woke up he was so close. So close.
The couch. The one he practically melted into last week when he had a fever, whining dramatically until you caved and brought him soup. He kept pulling you back when you tried to leave, pouting like a child, demanding your attention because Iâm sick, doll. Canât ignore me when Iâm sick. Until you sighed and sat down, letting his head rest in your lap. He fell asleep like that. Snoring. And you didnât have the heart to move.
And now he is in his room, tangled in her, moaning into her skin, kissing her - like it doesnât mean anything. Like none of it ever meant anything.
Your breath is uneven, your hands shaking as you grab your shoes. The laces blur, your vision fogs, but you canât stop.
You throw open the door to your shared apartment, barely thinking, barely breathing, only moving. It swings back into the frame with a sharp sound echoing through the hallway, louder than you had intended. But it doesnât matter now. Because you are sure that Bucky doesnât hear it. He doesnât notice. He is otherwise occupied and you are utterly drained of thinking about with what.
The air outside the apartment feels different. Lighter and cooler, but it doesnât bring relief. Itâs thin and hard to pull into your lungs properly.
Natashaâs place isnât far. Fifteen minutes on foot. You tell yourself that over and over, like a mantra, like something to grasp on.
No more moans. Lost to silence, left in a place that feels little like home right now. Still, they resonate in your skull, haunting reminders of that pain you canât dismiss, that hurt that hangs off you like a heavy burden.
You slow your steps on the staircase and inhale deeply. It trembles on its way out.
You hate how fragile you feel. How breakable. Hate how much this affects you. How much he affects you.
But you keep walking.
Just yesterday, you talked to Natasha and she offered you to stay with her for the night, looking at you all sharp and knowing, but in her own way sympathetic. You declined. Because you thought youâd be fine. Well, you were wrong.
Itâs past midnight now, completely dark, but you donât care.
You know, Natasha will let you in. And that will have to be enough for tonight.
The city is alive even at this hour. Neon lights glow in the distance, their reflection shimmering in rain-slicked puddles that dot the cracked pavement. Somewhere across the street, there is a group of people laughing, and disappearing around a corner. A car flies past, with headlights unlocking long shadows lengthening down the sidewalk.
You focus on those things. On the shoes thumping against the pavement. The way the crisp air is somehow refreshing as it weaves through the fabric of your hoodie and stings slightly at the tear-streaked skin of your cheeks, keeping you awake and propelling you forward. Not that you need any more motivation to leave.
You wind your arms around yourself like a shield, like a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from falling apart completely.
You donât look back.
Somewhere above you, there is a creak of a window opening.
It makes you freeze for a small second, before tightening your arms around yourself and picking up your pace.
Your stomach spins violently because fuck, you know that sound. You know the groan of that window when it moves, just a little off its hinges, just enough to make a noise youâve heard a hundred times before. Because itâs the window of your apartment. And it makes a noise that has never felt so much like a punch to the gut.
âY/n?â
You close your eyes.
âY/n!â
Your name spills from his lips, laced with confusion, infused with something that makes your fingers clench around your arms.
You could ignore him. You should ignore him. Just keep walking, keep moving, pretend you didnât hear.
But you canât. You never can.
With a slow, dragging breath, you turn around.
Bucky is leaning over the frame, his torso reaching out the window, bare from the shoulders down. He is bathed in the hazy yellow glow of the streetlights.
His hair is messed up, brown tendrils all sticking in different directions. His brows are knitted in confusion. His lips in a frown so full of worry. And itâs just too much.
Too warm. Too intimate. Too familiar.
Your chest stutters, lurches, and swirls itself into a dozen moving shapes that hurt more than they should. Because he stands there shirtless. Shirtless. And you know why.
You swallow back your hurt, but it stays stuck in your throat and crawls right up again to make you taste it on your tongue.
You force your gaze away from staring at the curve of his collarbone, the slope of his throat, the soft lines of his skin, the hard lines of his muscles that she had her hands on just minutes ago.
âWhere are you going?â
The tone highlights his concern, thick with the kind of worry that would have meant everything if it werenât coming from him like this, not now. His voice is rough, remnants of the time already spent with that girl, but all you can hear is that damn worry in it.
As if you owe him an answer. As if he isnât the reason your chest feels like itâs been hollowed out and left to rot.
You draw in half a breath and look away - down the street, down at your shoes, the bricks of your building. Anywhere that isnât him.
âTo Natâs.â
Itâs clipped and short. You donât want to explain, donât want to talk, donât want to stand here in the night air beneath the window of the apartment you share with him like some pathetic wreck while he worries about you.
âNatâs?â You can hear the bewilderment in his voice, the way he is trying to piece it together, the way his brain is already working overtime, scrambling to make sense of this - and you can practically feel the moment he decides he wonât let it go.
âSomethinâ happen?â His voice just wonât stop to be so perplexed, so concerned. It is softer now, but you only glance up at him briefly before averting your eyes again.
Because damn Bucky, yes, something happened. Everything happened. Every night that he brings someone home, every touch that belongs to someone else, every soft moan that isnât meant for you.
All these moments, all these memories, every feeling left unsaid that swivels and stings and grows into what it is now - a storm inside your rib cage, a hurricane of almosts and never wills and why does it have to be like this?
But of course, you canât say that. You wonât say that.
So you just shake your head, tighten your arms around yourself, and take a step back.
âGo back to bed, Bucky.â
Because you canât do this right now. You wonât do this right now.
Not when you are already about to break.
âI- What?â
His voice is a little raspy, puzzled, and under any other circumstance, it might have been endearing. On a normal day, if this were some cozy Sunday morning and not the breaking stretch of midnight, you might have smiled at the sight of him like this - hair in a wild mess, eyes a little heavy from the day, bare shoulders shifting in the glow of the streets.
But this is not a Sunday morning. And nothing about this feels good or cozy or right.
You are so damn exhausted. So damn drained.
âYou-â he starts again, brow furrowing deeper, but before he can get another word out, hands appear - slim fingers wrapping around the thick of his bicep, tugging, pulling, trying to drag him back inside.
Bile is pooling at the base of your throat.
Sheâs alone with him up there, in the space that you have spent so much time making into something warm, something filled with comfort. A space where you feel home. With him. And yet, itâs that random girl in there, laying in his bed, under his covers, in his scent, in him.
âBucky, come on.â Her voice is thin and peevish, thick with impatience. And exhaustion you believe she has no right to feel when you are the one who has spent the time suffocating under her presence.
But Bucky doesnât move.
His hand only grips onto the windowsill tighter, muscles in his arm locking.
And his eyes stay fixed on you.
Still searching. Still confused. Still trying to understand.
And it makes your hands clammy.
The way he looks at you like he is reaching for something just beyond his grasp, something that eludes him no matter how hard he tries to hold onto it.
He huffs out a breath that just borders on frustration when her fingers wonât stop pulling at him.
âHold on, doll-â he calls out to you and unwinds her hands from his arm, barely sparing her a glance as he leans out the window again. There is a little something in his tone when he speaks to you again. Something like exasperation. But itâs not meant for you. âWhatâre you doinâ at Natâs? Tell her itâs the middle of the goddamn night. Why would she let you walk over to her? She knows itâs not safe.â
You shake your head, already half turning away again. You just cannot do this right now.
âItâs fine. Just go back to bed, Bucky.â
âY/n - hey. Whatâs wrong? Whatâs this about?â There it is. That softness in his voice. That concern. And it hurts. Because he doesnât get it.
âGo. Back. To bed,â you repeat, sharper now, gritting it out between clenched teeth.
But Bucky has always been stubborn. And so infuriating. Itâs like he doesnât hear you at all.
âCâmon doll, did something happen? Talk to me,â he urges, voice gentle but he doesnât seem to like the way you look as if you would bolt around the corner any second. His tone is coaxing in a way that makes you ache because this is what he does. This is what he has always done - pulling you in, making you feel safe, making you feel cared for, making you feel like you matter. Like he means it.
And itâs cruel. So cruel.
Because you are in love with him.
And he is standing in that window, bare-chested and rumpled from a night with another woman, while you are in slacks and a simple hoodie beneath him with your heart cracked wide open, bleeding into the pavement.
âI donât wanna do this right now, Bucky,â you snip, voice losing patience. But you are so tired.
Bucky sighs and runs a hand through his hair, frustration growing, seeping into his voice. âYouâre killinâ me here, sweetheart. Just tell me whatâs goinâ on. Itâs cold out, doll. Youâre not even wearinâ a jacket.â
You swallow down a choked breath.
Because this is making things so much worse.
That he cares. That he is looking at you like this, like you matter, like you are his.
Like you are something he wants to figure out. And he wants to take his time with. Like he wants to fix you.
But you are not broken. You are just in love.
âBucky,â that girl calls out again, dragging his name out, voice honey-thick and pettish. âCome on babe, let it go. Just-â She tugs at his arm again, nails skimming along his forearm. âCome back to bed.â
But he doesnât move.
Doesnât even glance at her.
His mouth twitches, jaw ticking as he exhales sharply through his nose, shaking her off with a firm roll of his shoulder. âWould you quit it for a sec?â His voice is edged now, tinged with a kind of terse impatience he seldom ever lets out. âJesus, mâtryin to talk here.â
The girl huffs, clearly displeased, but Bucky doesnât spare her another second.
But the one second he threw his head around at her was your chance. Your feet move before you can think, before you can talk yourself into staying, because if you do, if you let him pull you in, let yourself hope-
âWoah, doll, hey. Wait, I-â
His voice is frantic, stammering over its own syllables and filled with too many things your mind is too jumbled to focus on.
But it makes you stop your body in the midst of a step. And you grind down on your teeth against the frustration burning inside you.
You should keep walking. Shouldnât have stopped.
But Bucky is leaning even further out now, his knuckles bracing against the sill, the night air tousling his hair, eyes wide and concerned, searching. One of his arms is reaching out, down to you as if he could touch you like this.
âHold up, yeah? Iâm cominâ down.â
You whip halfway back to him, brows snapping together, heart slamming against your ribs.
âNo, you-â
Heâs already pulling himself back inside, shaking his head as if it should be obvious. âIâm coming down,â he repeats, more insistent, more sure. Leaving no room for argument.
Your fists squeeze the fabric of your hoodie. Your stomach churns. âBucky-â you try again. But he has already made up his mind.
âWait there, alright?â His voice dips lower, steadier but still urgent. Resolute, as if he would run after you if you bolted down the street. âDoll. Promise me youâll wait.â
Something in his tone, the look he is giving you, like heâs begging, almost a sweet-talking declaration. Itâs catching your breath somewhere in your throat.
You could run.
You should.
You should turn right back around, disappear into the night, and leave him standing there, shirtless and confused and worried.
But you hold his gaze for just one long and heavy beat, then exhale shakily, shoulders dropping slightly.
âOkay,â you say weakly.
Bucky nods determined and taps his fingers against the windowsill, before rushing away, leaving the window wide open.
And you stand there hating yourself for waiting.
Hating yourself for hoping.
Technically, you could just leave.
Take a different route to Natâs apartment, slip into the dark veins of the city where his voice wouldnât reach, and let him walk out onto an empty sidewalk with his hair still tousled from another womanâs fingers and the taste of someone elseâs lips still lingering on his own.
You could make him feel just a fraction of what you feel, with something hollow pressing up against his ribs when he finds nothing but cold pavement where you used to stand.
But you donât.
You know you wonât.
Because it wouldnât just frustrate him. It would hurt him.
And thatâs the one thing you could never bring yourself to do.
Not Bucky.
Never Bucky.
You know him. The way he chews at the inside of his cheek when heâs trying not to say something reckless. The way his brows pull just a little too tight when heâs agitated but trying to play it off like he is fine. The way he folds his arms over his chest, not because heâs closed off, but because he needs something to hold onto.
You know exactly how he would react if he stepped out here and you werenât there.
How the slight crease between his brows would deepen. How his fingers would twitch, opening and closing, like heâd missed his chance to catch you. How his lips would open and he would stare helplessly around and call your name.
And god, as much as this pain is devouring you from the inside out, pushing its way into the light but leaving you sitting in the dark, as much as your heart feels like being torn apart with unsaid words and unmet confessions - you cannot stand the thought of hurting him.
So you stay.
With feet planted on the concrete, fists clenched so hard, that your fingers start to cramp. You lift your trembling hands to your aching cheeks to hastily scrub away the fresh wave of tears surging forth downwards, willing your body to erase any evidence of your devastation.
But the more you wipe, the more it hurts.
You believe your cheeks are red from the effort of wiping so much, eyes swollen and puffy, your body trying to rebel against all of your commands.
Inhaling shakily, you force the breath down, down, down where you can pretend it doesnât hurt so much. You angle your face slightly away from the building, hoping the dim spill of moonlight wonât betray your inner struggles.
Because the moment Bucky steps out that door, it will be the same as always.
Heâll look at you like you are his best friend. Like you are his safe place. Like you are the person he can always count on.
And you will look at him like you arenât falling apart.
Like your heart isnât unraveling at the seams.
Like you arenât drowning in a love that will never be returned.
The door swings open with a force that startles you, the sound of it hitting the frame a little too sharp against the night.
Bucky storms out onto the sidewalk like heâs got something urgent to say, like the world might stop spinning if he doesnât get to you fast enough. He doesnât hesitate. Doesnât pause. Just moves straight to you, his steps quick, closing the space before you can change your mind about standing here. He has a crumpled shirt thrown on and it hangs a little off. But it makes you want to run so hard.
His fingers wrap around your arms, not hard, not forceful but firm.
Those warm hands on you make you want to crumble.
His breath is coming fast, chest rising and falling, like he ran down the staircase to get here as fast as possible.
His eyes are so deep, deep and blue, roaming your face with so much intensity, searching and scanning and pausing.
Shadows cast over his sharp cheekbones at the way his brows are furrowed, his lips slightly parted.
âWhatâs going on, doll? You been cryinâ?â His voice comes out rough and he talks fast. Urgent, breaths spilling over themselves as he rushed through the words, almost tripping on them in his desperation to get them out. âWhyâve you been crying? What happened?â
His thumb twitches against the fabric of your hoodie.
You open your mouth, close it again. Your throat is dry from the sobs you tried to silence earlier. You shake your head, a knee-jerk reaction.
âI was just going to Natâs, Bucky. Nothing happened.â
Itâs a weak excuse, said in a weak voice.
And you hate how it makes Buckyâs expression shift. That tiny wounded something that crosses his features, something that shouldnât be there, because you did wait for him, you didnât leave, but itâs still not enough. You lied to him. And he knows it. And heâs hurt. And you hate yourself.
He shakes his head, his jaw going tight.
âNo,â he murmurs, eyes never leaving you, voice so low. âThat ainât nothinâ, doll. Câmon. Youâre runninâ off in the middle of the night, how could this be nothing?â
You look away. Because if you keep looking at him, him with his concern and confusion and hurt all interflowing in the pool of those blue eyes, you wonât be able to hold yourself together much longer.
You swallow hard and force yourself to breathe slowly.
The sting behind your eyes is never really leaving you.
Bucky leans in, just a little. His grip on your arms tightens, but itâs not harsh. Only insistent. Desperate for you to give him something here.
âSomethinâ up with Natasha?â His voice is gentle, like he knows this has nothing to do with her, but he has to ask anyway to go through all the possible options of what might be going on.
âNo,â you croak, barely managing the word.
He softens at the sound of it, but that frown doesnât ease.
âWhatâre you doing then, huh? Whyâre you running off like that? Sâ not safe, you know that.â His voice is soft. Almost like heâs trying to soothe a skittish animal. But the concern is wrapping around every word. âWhatâs got you so upset, sweetheart? Talk to me, yeah? Please?â
His voice takes on a desperate intensity. Like heâs begging you to just let him in. To make him understand.
You bite down hard on your bottom lip, willing it not to tremble, willing your face not to crumble right in front of him, but the air is too thick for your airway, making it harder and harder to breathe.
And Bucky is looking at you, like you are breaking his goddamn heart. Like you took a shot straight for it.
He is so full of worry, it looks painful, the crease of his brow always there when heâs thinking too hard, when heâs feeling too hard. His lips are still parted, like he wants to beg for an explanation, for some string of words that will make this all click into place and turn this into something fixable.
Because Bucky Barnes fixes things.
But this might be the only thing he canât fix.
His hands on you are a contrast to the way you feel as if youâre falling apart. You hate how much you just want to collapse into it, to let yourself lean into him, let him hold you up. Because he would. You know he would. He would pull you in without hesitation, wrap his arms around you like he has done so many times before.
But you donât want him to hold you. Donât want him to hold you like a friend.
You want him to hold you like he means it. Like you mean something more than the sum of all the nights you spent choking on your own silence, swallowing words you could never say.
So all you can do is stay frozen, bones locked, eyes burning, heart splitting itself open in the middle of the street where he doesnât even know heâs killing you.
âI-â
You try. You really try.
But then the door swings open again. And the sound of it alone is enough to send a bolt of ice down your spine.
Because this time itâs her walking out.
She steps out onto the sidewalk like she has every right to be a part of this moment.
Like she hasnât spent the first part of the night in Buckyâs bed. Like she hasnât been touched by him, kissed by him, fucked by him, wanted by him in a way that you have only ever ached for.
Like she hasnât taken something that was never hers to have.
But itâs not yours either.
She looks so composed, too. More put together than you would have imagined. Her hair smoothed, clothes adjusted, skin glowing in a way that tells you she wasnât just sleeping up there - she was living in something youâve been dying for. She probably took a moment in your bathroom to check herself, to fix her lipstick, maybe even to admire herself in the mirror while you were downstairs, breaking apart.
She had the time for that.
Meanwhile, you can barely stand.
Your body is alive with magnitudes of unspoken things, suffocating. You feel like youâve been sanded down, like a piece of wood, leaving nothing but the ache and longing and all the words you canât say. This destruction is slow and ruthless, it doesnât come with an explosion, but rather a slow erasure.
Like youâre being unmade. Piece by piece.
Like you were never meant to be here in the first place.
And Bucky is still looking at you.
Not at her.
You.
And maybe that should be enough. Maybe it should mean something.
But it just puts more pressure on the knife that is already turning around in your flesh.
The girl doesnât leave and Bucky stiffens.
âBucky,â she drawls, almost lazy, like sheâs bored with this already. âAre you coming back up, orâŚ?â
Your stomach lurches.
You feel exposed, scraped raw, like youâve been trampled over, flattened by something massive, left behind for everyone else to step around.
Bucky lets out a slow breath through his nose. His jaw works under pressure. And then, he huffs. Annoyed. Like sheâs interrupting something important.
âGo home,â he flatly tells her, his attention still on you. Not even addressing her with a name. Perhaps he doesnât even know it.
âSeriously?â she scoffs, crossing her arms. Her eyes flick between the two of you.
Bucky exhales another breath and drops one of his arms from you to scrub it over his face, pushing through his hair. He turns toward her just a little, stance rigid.
âYeah, seriously,â he mutters, already turning back to you. âIâll call you a cab if you need-â
âGod, youâre such a dick,â she snaps, cutting him off, rolling her eyes with an exasperated huff. âUnbelievable.â
And then sheâs gone.
But so are you.
You donât even think about it. You just move.
Your arm slips from Buckyâs loosened grip, your body already shifting, already turning, already pulling you down the sidewalk, away from him, away from this.
Itâs pathetic. You know this. But you have to get away.
Your vision is a blur, the streetlights smearing into a soft, hazy glow against the wetness welling in your eyes, and no matter how much you try to breathe through it, itâs too much. Simply too much.
Youâre hurting. And you need to go. Now.
But Bucky doesnât let you.
âWoah, whoah, hey!â His voice is quick, rushed, and then he is moving, closing the space between you. And this time, he cuts you off completely, stepping right into your path, right in front of you, blocking the way like a wall. Heâs so broad in front of you, and so fucking present, making it impossible to escape.
You stop so fast it almost sends you stumbling back.
His eyes flick over you so quickly, so intensely, scanning for something he doesnât understand but is so desperate to find.
âAlright,â he exhales, low and careful, holding his arms out as if ready to stop you again if you make a run for it.
âYou want me to put you in chains to keep you still?âItâs a weak and failed attempt at humor.
And itâs not funny. Not even close.
His voice is too thin, too strained, and there is something in his eyes, something tight and aching, that makes it clear he is not even trying all that hard to make his joke work.
You donât smile. Donât look at him. Arms still around yourself.
Buckyâs throat bobs as he swallows, as he shifts his weight, as he lets out another slow and deliberate breath. He moves so slow. As if any tiny movement of him would make you walk away from him.
âWhatâs going on with you, mhm?â His voice is so soft. So concerned. Brooklyn warmth and worry combined with something gentler than you can handle right now.
âWhatâs this - this fight-or-flight thing you got goinâ on?â he continues, tilting his head just slightly, watching you too closely, reading too much. âYouâre rushing off like the damn place is on fire. The hell is that about, doll?â Still so soft. So cautious.
His eyes are on you like you are the only thing in the world that matters, like heâs trying to solve you, like if he just looks long enough, heâll figure it out.
But if he really understood, if he really found out, everything between you would change.
And you canât handle that. You canât handle anything at the moment.
âJust drop it, Bucky, alright?â It comes out sharper than you mean for it to. Harsher. A little spit of venom that you hate yourself for the second it hits the air. He doesnât deserve your attitude. But you canât hold it back.
You see the way it lands. The way his brows pull in tighter, the way his lips press together, the way his chest rises and falls so measured. But itâs all not out of irritation. He just tries to figure out where that came from. What is happening. What has you react the way you do.
His voice is even and calm. But oh so careful. âI donât think I will, doll.â
You look anywhere than at him and his troubled face.
Your throat tightens so fast, you have to swallow hard against it, teeth digging into the inside of your cheek as you blink up at the sky like maybe that keeps the tears from spilling over.
And Bucky watches all of that.
His expression stays soft, but his eyes are burning with something deep, something real, something that makes you feel like you might actually drown if you keep looking at them for too long.
âY/n,â he almost whispers, and it sounds so pained. âWhy are you crying, sweetheart.â Heâs so gentle, so tender, so fucking careful like heâs afraid that if he pushes too hard, youâll just break.
You shake your head, arms around yourself tightening. âIâm fine.â
Bucky makes a quiet noise in his throat, somewhere between a sigh and a scoff, something deep and disbelieving.
âSee, thatâs bullshit.â
Youâre about to turn again, but he anticipates and gets hold of your arms.
âLook,â he sighs, heedfully taking off a hand of you to rub it down his face. âYou donât wanna talk? Fine. You wanna bite my head off cause Iâm askinâ? Fine. But donât stand here and tell me youâre okay. Because Iâve got eyes, doll, and I can see that youâre not.â
You want him to stop.
You want him to turn around.
You want him to leave you here to fall apart in peace.
But he wonât.
And you donât know what to do with that.
And you break.
No matter how hard you bite your lip, it doesnât matter.
The tears slip and streak down your face before there is anything you can do. A sob follows. You canât choke it down. Your shoulders shake, your breath stutters, and your face tilts towards the ground as you bring trembling hands up to wipe at your cheeks, in a futile and desperate attempt to regain composure. Itâs useless.
You feel so pathetic.
Embarrassed. Ashamed that you ran off like this. That youâre standing here, crying in the middle of the night, on a sidewalk with no explanation, making a fool of yourself in front of him.
And the second your face crumbles, his does, too.
The second your breath hitches, he is moving.
Strong arms envelope you, winding tight, pulling you straight into his chest like he doesnât even need to think about it. Not for a single second.
You let him.
Because itâs either this, or youâll collapse down onto the asphalt.
His grip is firm, grounding, warm in a way that makes you ache even more. His hand cradles the back of your head, tucking you against him, and you feel the press of his lips there, gentle, but somehow rough.
Like your pain is his own.
âItâs okay. Shh⌠itâs okay,â he breathes, pained and low, the words pressed into your hair, into your skin. Making space between your ribs. âOh, doll.â He presses you tighter to him. His hand brushes over your hair. âItâs okay.â
There is something so deep and aching in the way he talks to you, like the sound of his own voice hurts him. Like you hurt him.
His other hand moves over your back, soothingly, trying to give you some strength.
âI gotcha,â he breathes. âMâhere, doll. Okay? Just breathe. Gotta breathe for me, baby. Please.â
Itâs a slip. Baby. A mistake.
And it makes you cry harder.
Because itâs so soft. Gentle. Because it falls from his lips like something thatâs always been there, something thatâs always belonged to you.
Except it hasnât.
It doesnât.
Not in the way you want.
You donât know what he calls those girls he takes home. If they get to hear him say it. Girls who have felt his hands in places you never will. Girls who have heard his voice rasp against their skin in the dark.
But you are not one of those girls.
You never will be.
And you know you will never be able to untangle that damaging wrench in your stomach.
So hearing him call you that. Baby. Like it means something. Like itâs yours. Like it hasnât been whispered in the dim glow of your apartment, murmured against someone elseâs lips, someone elseâs skin, just someone else just hours ago.
Itâs too hard. too cruel.
You wish it didnât matter. You wish it didnât rip through you the way it does, splitting you down the center, carving you open.
But it does.
Because even if it doesnât belong to you, you still want it.
So you cry harder.
Sobs wrack through you, your chest hitching with the force of them, your hands gripping the fabric of his shirt, clumping it in your fists.
Bucky feels it and he hears it and he grips you tighter, pulls you closer.
âHey, hey, hey,â he coos, voice just above a whisper, more desperate now. Like heâs drowning in your hurt right along with you.
âSweetheart,â he tries again, voice strained, thick. His lips are in your hair. âPlease talk to me. Make me understand, baby, please! Tell me whatâs wrong.â
But you canât.
Because what the hell would you even say?
That youâre in love with him?
That youâve been in love with him?
That seeing him with her - hearing the sounds that bleed through the walls, the ones youâll never be able to unhear - feels like being skinned alive?
That you want him in a way you shouldnât?
That you want him in a way he will never want you back?
You wonât.
So instead, you just press yourself harder into his chest and squeeze your eyes shut, letting him hold you like you are something precious. Like you are his. Even if you are not.
âHelp me understand here, baby. Please,â he repeats with a voice so soft, that makes him seem afraid you might break apart completely if he speaks any louder.
Maybe heâs right. Maybe youâre already in pieces at his feet, shattered beyond repair, and he just hasnât realized it yet.
He lets you cry when you donât answer, hand stroking up and down your back, the other soothing over your head. He whispers into your hair, words you canât even process, just the deep cadence of him, the low rasp of his voice against your temple.
His lips move to your forehead, brushing over it. His breath is warm against your skin. You donât have it in you to pull away, but you wish you would.
Because none of this makes it any easier.
Because his hands feel too good, too steady, too right - and itâs a lie.
Because itâs him.
And that means it hurts.
You wish he would just go and let you have your pathetic heartbreak alone.
But Bucky Barnes has never been the kind of a guy to leave things unsolved.
He pulls back just slightly after a while, just enough to get a better look at you, and when you try to duck your head, to keep him from seeing too much, he doesnât let you.
Strong, warm fingers cradle your face, thumbs brushing over the damp skin of your cheeks, tilting your head up and forcing your gaze to his.
He looks wrecked.
His brows are drawn, lips parted, chest rising and falling unevenly. His hands tremble just a little against your skin, but his grip stays firm. Solid.
âDonât look away, doll. Eyes on me, yeah?â
You swallow hard, jaw tight. âYou just ruined your good night,â you say, the words falling out bitter, self-deprecating, stiff with something that tastes like resentment but feels like heartbreak.
Buckyâs frown deepens, his lips pressing together, eyes scanning over your face like heâs searching for something, anything thatâll make this make sense.
âThe hell I did,â he scoffs, shaking his head. Confused you even brought this up. âI donât give a shit about her. Donât even know her name, if Iâm beinâ honest.â He lets out a huffed laugh.
But you donât.
Because somehow this makes it worse.
And you hate it.
You hate that some part of you wanted her to mean something.
Because if she meant something, if she was special, then at least this ache in your chest would have a name. A reason. A shape you could hold in trembling hands and squeeze so hard that it stops hurting at one point.
Then, at least, you could maybe finally accept that there is no hope. No reason to hold on to those feelings.
But Bucky just shrugs.
It meant nothing. It never meant anything. Not with them.
Not with the girls that come and go, the ones who pass through his nights in the same easy way the hours do - fleeting, ephemeral, touched, and forgotten.
Not with anyone. Not even with you.
You have spent so long feeling this, holding onto it, trying to keep it hidden beneath layers of friendship and longing and careful restraint. You have spent so long pretending that it is fine, that it doesnât matter, that you can live like this - on the sidelines, just the girl in the other room, in the shadows, in the spaces between what you want and what youâre allowed to have.
And he stands here and looks you in the eyes, telling you that it is nothing. That she is nothing. That they - all of them before her, and all of them after her - are nothing.
You can barely breathe past it.
You donât say anything.
And Bucky freezes.
His hands, where they cup your face, stop their soft, absentminded strokes. His thumbs, which had been tracing reassuring circles along your cheekbones halt. His breath catches and his eyes shift.
There is something uncertain in there.
And then, his lips part. His brows go up ever so slightly. His pupils flare.
Something settles over his expression that you donât recognize.
Like a switch has been flipped.
Like a puzzle piece has clicked into place.
Like suddenly he is seeing something in your eyes, something like an answer, something that has been there all along.
His fingers tighten, anchoring himself. Making it seem that if he lets go, if he moves even a fraction, something will break. In him, or you, youâre not sure.
He pulls back. Not far. Just an inch. But he needs to see you better. Just enough to search your face for something he needs to know. His gaze locks onto yours and holds you there, testing something, making sure.
His voice is hushed when he talks. Breathless.
âIs that what this is about?â
Itâs quiet, the way he says it. Like heâs afraid of it. Like heâs careful with it. There is disbelief on his face. Astonishment.
You shake your head too fast, too sharp, like if you deny it hard enough, itâll erase the way heâs looking at you right now. That itâll undo the meaning of his words and the way they sit between you. Something fragile on the verge of breaking.
âNo,â you say, but it barely comes out, barely sounds convincing. Your voice is hoarse, scraped raw form holding back everything you donât want to say. Your lungs refuse to work in sync with the rest of you. You swallow, eyes darting away, grasping for something to latch onto.
But Bucky doesnât let you.
âDollâŚâ It comes like a sigh. Weightless and soft. His hands donât drop from your face, donât loosen, donât give you the space youâre so desperately trying to carve out between you. If anything, his grip grows more robust. Just enough to keep you there.
âHey. Look at me.â His tone is low, carrying the kind of warmth youâd usually like to lean into, but now all you want is to get away from it. You donât want to meet those stormy blues.
Buckyâs thumbs are sweeping, so feather-light, over the curve of your jaw, smoothing along the damp trail of your tears, and his voice dips even lower. Softer. He is so close.
âCâmon, sweetheart. Give me somethinâ here.â
Itâs not fair that he gets to call you all those sweet names like he means them. Like you mean something. Like itâs not the same word he probably called her and all those others who got to have him, even if only for a night.
âI donât-â you try, but your voice is trembling and thick with tears, and Buckyâs gaze shadows.
âDonât what?â he coaxes, leaning in just a little, close enough that his breath skims your skin, warm and stable in a way you arenât. His fingers slightly move against your cheeks, as if resisting the urge to pull you closer.
You shake your head again, your hands wrapping around his wrists - not to push him away exactly, but to have something to hold onto. You have no idea what to say.
âItâs- Itâs not-â Your words trip over themselves, stuck somewhere between your throat and your ribs, tangled up in everything youâve never let yourself say.
But Bucky just watches you, unreadable things swirling in those impossibly blue eyes. Wary things. Still so damn careful.
He exhales and his hands slide down, skimming the column of your throat, settling against the curve of your neck like heâs grounding you. Holding you both together.
âDoll,â he sighs, and itâs too much.
Itâs not teasing. Itâs not playful. Itâs not easy. Not the charming lilt he likes to throw in his tone.
Itâs vulnerable. Tender. Substantial.
âYouâre breakinâ my heart here.â
And thatâs what has another tear slip over your lashes.
Because youâre breaking his heart?
What does that even mean?
You were the one trying to escape the heartache he caused and now he tells you itâs his heart that hurts?
âPlease,â he whispers, and his voice is wrecked, gravel thick in his throat. âJust tell me, doll. Tell me what I did. Tell me so I can fix it.â
His lips stay parted, trying to find air, trying to find some kind of solid ground. There is a sheen over his eyes.
âI canât-â Your voice cracks, but you donât look away this time. His hands wonât let you. He wonât let you.
His eyes are pleading.
âCanât what, sweetheart?â he urges, dipping closer, voice just a rasp of sound between you. His thumbs wipe away the new tears and he winces while doing it as if it actually causes him pain that they fell.
The streetlight flickers above. It casts shadows across his face, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the tight pull of his mouth. His fingers flex against your face.
âIs it-â he starts, then stops, then starts again, throat bobbing and voice rough and hesitant. âIs it those girls?â
A shallow gasp slips from your lips. Fractured and tripping over something unseen. Your shoulders grow stiff.
You canât answer. You only shake your head, not in denial, not in confirmation, but in something else, something tired and so fucking done with feeling like this.
You try to pull back, try to slip free from the heat of his palms, try to turn away. Another tear drops onto the back of his hand.
Your reaction must be answer enough.
Buckyâs head, Buckyâs hands, Buckyâs eyes, Buckyâs whole body - everything is moving so much, keeping you from slipping away, reaching for you, not letting you go.
A breath. A pause. Like his brain needs an extra moment to process what this all could mean. His breath catches in his throat and you can feel the exact moment he gets it.
The exact moment he realizes.
âShit,â he breathes, so quiet you almost miss it. His grip tightens. It grows distressed. Despairing. Keeping you from leaving his hold, although you donât stop trying.
You sob and his hands press into your cheeks, thumbs smoothing away tears like he can erase this, like maybe if he holds you tight enough, he can go back five minutes, five months, five years, to a time before he made you feel like this.
âShit, doll, I-â His voice breaks, gravel and regret and anguish - and something so painful - landing with every syllable.
You donât stop trying to pull back, trying to push him away. You canât talk. You canât stop crying. You canât look at him.
But Bucky is devastated. And he is desperate. And he wonât let you go.
âNo, no, donât - please, Y/n, donât.â He runs through his words, frantically getting them out, frantically trying to make you look at him.
He reaches your face again and holds on like itâs important. Your tears wonât stop falling. A whimper falls from your lips when you realize he wonât let you leave.
Bucky panics.
His swallow seems to hurt him. Everything he does seems to hurt him.
âOh, sweetheart - fuck, fuck, I didnât-â He lets out a rough breath, one of his hands letting go of you to scrub over his face, pushing through his hair in frustration.
Not at you.
At himself.
âDoll, I didnât - Jesus Christ, I didnât know.â
It comes out hoarse, scraped down to nothing but feeling. Each word drags from his throat like sandpaper against silence. Coarse and raspy.
And then heâs shaking his head, hands sliding to your shoulders, his hold firm, his eyes darting over your face like he is trying to memorize it, searching for the right words in the curve of your lips, the glisten of your tears, the way your breathing is a single shuddering mess.
âI didnât - fuck, I didnât mean-â
He seems to hold back a scream.
Sucking in another sharp breath, he squeezes his eyes shut like heâs in pain, angry at himself, wanting to go back and rewrite everything, tear out every page where he made you feel like you were anything but his.
You wish you could believe it.
âBucky-â you croak out.
âNo, donât-â His head doesnât stop shaking. His jaw is clenched tight. Hands shaking against you. âDonât say my name like that.â
âLike what?â Your voice is whisper-thin.
His breath shudders out, and when his eyes meet yours again, they are so earnest. Glossy with a sheen of tears.
âLike itâs over.â
Your throat closes around your next breath, never making it reach your lungs.
Because what is he saying? Nothing ever had the chance to be anything.
âI didnât know, doll,â he whispers, voice breaking. âI swear to God, I didnât know. You gotta believe me, I - fuck, I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted you to feel like- I didnât think youâd-â
He cuts himself off, voice choking.
His hands drop suddenly, like he doesnât even deserve to hold you anymore. Like the guilt is weighing them down.
And then, unsure and hesitantly, he lifts one of them again and pauses before cupping your face, waiting for something - permission, maybe, or just a sign that you wonât pull away this time.
When you donât, when you just keep standing there, frozen and broken and bewildered, he lets his palm settle warm against your cheek, his thumb brushing so lightly it sends a shiver down your back.
âTell me how to fix it. Tell me I can,â he pleads, like he means it. Like he would do anything. âTell me what to do, baby. Anything. Iâd do anything. Just gotta tell me. Please,â he chokes out.
Cars roll past you. There are voices in the distance. A neon sign flickers. But none of it touches this.
This thing between you.
Buckyâs hand shakes against your cheek. His breath stirs against your skin so ragged and he leans in. His forehead presses to yours, his body curling toward you like he doesnât even realize heâs doing it, just needing to be close.
âIâm so sorry,â he gasps out. âGod, Iâm so fucking sorry.â
Never have you seen Bucky like this. He keeps things easy, keeps things light, and shrugs off pain like it never quite reaches him. But it does now.
It consumes him.
His fingers curl at the back of your neck, not pulling, just holding, grounding himself against you. And when you continue standing there, breath shaky, tears still trembling in your lashes, his whole body sags.
His chest heaves with a breath so deep it sounds like itâs costing him something.
âI never meant for this to happen. Please, believe me.â
His forehead presses harder to yours, seemingly trying to press his words straight into you, that maybe if he gets close enough youâll feel how much he means them.
And you do. You just donât know what the hell is going on.
He lets out a sound that resembles a sob. And then you feel the damp heat of a tear where his face brushes against yours.
Bucky is crying.
It breaks you. You donât know what to do with all this pain. His and yours. Donât know how to ever let it go.
You pull back. Just slightly. Just enough to breathe, to think, to process.
But Buckyâs whole body tenses, and his eyes squeeze shut as if he knew it was coming but it still pains him. Bracing himself for something he already knows is going to hurt. His hands drop to his sides.
And maybe that should give you some kind of satisfaction, a tiny sense of justice for the nights you spent lying awake, wondering if you meant anything to him while he had his hands on someone else.
But it doesnât.
Because the way he is looking at you, when he cracks his eyes open again, when he meets your gaze with so much open ache, makes your chest hurt. It makes something inside of you quake.
âBucky,â you start, but your own voice is so small, so lost. You shake your head, scanning his face, trying to piece it together, to make sense of something that refuses to fit. How the tables have turned. You just canât seem to find the irony in it. âWhat are you even - I donât - I donât I understand.â
His throat bobs, thick and tight, and he pulls in a breath like itâs the last one heâs going to get.
âI love you.â
Your mind blanks. You flatline. Your knees go weak.
He says it like itâs the simplest thing to say. As if it is the most obvious thing in the world. But it isnât.
Because if it was then why has he spent all those nights with those seemingly meaningless girls. Why has he let you ache for him while he touched someone else.
âI love you,â he says again, softer, trying to make sure you believe it.
But you donât know how to.
Your lips part, but nothing comes out. You feel the words, heavy and warm and terrifying, but your body doesnât know what to do with them. Your mind is screaming at you to run, to protect yourself, to build the walls back up before itâs too late, but your heart doesnât listen.
Buckyâs hand trembles when it reaches for you, fingertips ghosting over your jaw, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to pull away.
You donât and he steps closer again.
His whole body thrums as if he is scared to touch you but more scared not to. He looks at you with those red-rimmed and puffy eyes, so tremendously bare, holding onto your own eyes like he is drowning and you are the only thing keeping him afloat.
âSay something, doll,â he pleads, his voice so unsteady, that it guts you.
But what could you say?
Because love is not supposed to feel like this, to hurt like this. It isnât supposed to feel like your heart has been split open and stitched back together all in the same breath.
But looking at him and at the way his eyes are just as pleading as his words, at the way he is breaking right in front of you - it makes you wonder if maybe it was hurting him all along, too.
âYou-â you begin, voice barely more than a whisper. You have to stop, have to pull in a breath that doesnât seem to want to settle, have to force your hands to stay at your sides instead of reaching for something - for him - that you donât know if you can take. âBut that-â Another inhale, sharp and broken. Your chest hurts. Your whole body hurts. âThat doesnât make any sense.â
Bucky exhales, long and slow and then he drops his head. Shoulders slumping, spine curling, like something inside of him, has just given out.
Guilt.
It sits heavy in his frame, in the set of his jaw, in the way his hands jerk like he wants to touch you but knows he shouldnât.
âYeah,â he mutters, a humorless little laugh escaping, barely more than a breath. He drags a hand down his face, through his hair, before letting it fall uselessly at his side. His voice is lower when he speaks again, raspier, weighed down by something that feels an awful lot like regret. âI know.â
You watch him, waiting. Because he owes you this. Because he cracked open something you werenât ready for, something you tried to bury, and now you need to understand.
And Bucky must feel that. Because after a beat, after a deep, shuddering breath, he looks at you again.
âI didnât think I could have you,â he admits, voice quiet. Cautious. The words fragile in his mouth. âDidnât think I was allowed to even want you. To this extent, anyway.â
Air enters you unevenly, shaking on the way in like a shiver made of sound. âBucky-â
âYouâre my best friend,â he pushes on, stepping in just a fraction, like he canât help himself. His voice is getting rougher, rawer, like something in him is unwinding too fast for him to stop it. âI didnât wanna mess that up, yâknow? Didnât wanna lose you over somethinâ I couldnât control.â
Something tightens in your chest. Something shifts.
âSo you-â you swallow, shaking your head, trying to put it together, trying to make sense of it. âSo you just went around to go get yourself other girls you can fuck?â
Bucky flinches. Actually flinches.
Gaze dropping in shame, his features form a grimace. âI tried,â he croaks out, gesturing at his chest with one hand. âTried to stop feeling like this. Tried to move on, tried to-â He exhales sharply, tilting his head side to side, something torn playing out with the movement. âIt didnât work. Nothinâ worked. Didnât even make it easier. But I was afraid to face it. Really face it. So I just kept going.â
It hurts.
It hurts in a way you donât know how to hold. Donât know how to carry.
You thought, for so long, that the way you love him, ache for him, is a one-sided agony.
But he is confessing to you, eyes red and weary, voice splintering, telling you that heâs been afraid to speak it aloud too.
That he loves you, that he tried to kill it, that he thought losing himself in someone else would somehow erase you from his mind.
Buckyâs words are a fist curling around your ribs, squeezing the air from your lungs.
It should matter. It should mean something that heâs standing in front of you, breaking apart, pleading for you to understand. Shouldnât it be enough that heâs telling you it was always you? That no one else ever came close?
But he still touched them.
Still chose them, even if only for a meaningless night.
While you sat in your room, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you were going insane. While you clenched your fists so tight beneath your sheets at night, biting your tongue, swallowing it down, because Bucky is your friend and friends donât ache like this.
And yet, he is telling you, showing you, he aches too.
But instead of sitting with it, instead of letting it consume him the way it consumed you, he tried to make it disappear.
He tried to fuck it away.
And now he looks at you like you are the only thing that has ever mattered, like the ground beneath his feet, is unsteady, like he is afraid you are going to bolt at any second.
You feel like the ground beneath your feet shits a fraction of an inch, not enough to send you falling, but enough to make you question if you were ever standing solid in the first place.
âBut, doll, it-â he rushes forward, watching your pain, stepping into your space until there is barely anything between you. âIt never meant anything. Swear to god, none of âem ever meant something to me.â His hands wrap around yours, squeezing, grounding, begging. âThey werenât you. Couldnât be you. Didnât matter how hard I tried, how many times I told myself to stop thinking about you because youâre supposed to be my best friend, but I wanted so much more than that - it didnât matter. Nothinâ worked.â
He is struggling to force the words out, but he does. And they leave him with a catch in his voice. Faltering.
âI thought about you, sweetheart. Every fuckinâ time.â His voice turns frantic and he leans in to make it convince you. He watches your lips tremble and shakes his head quickly. âThought about how youâd feel. How youâd sound.â
Your breath stalls.
Bucky swallows, taking a quick pause but continuing, voice growing softer. Lower. Reverent. âTried to picture you instead. How youâd look under me, wrapped around me. So goddamn beautiful.â His voice cracks. âBut it wasnât you. And I know it was wrong, but I couldnât help it.â
He stumbles over his words, afraid of saying too much, of pushing too far, or admitting too much - but it doesnât stop hurting.
Even if you know it might not be fair.
But the thought of him with them, the thought of his hands gripping someone elseâs skin, his lips murmuring something soft against someone elseâs throat - it makes you sick.
And he sees it.
You try to blink back another wave of tears.
His hands are on your face again, thumbs swiping furiously at your damp cheeks like he can rub the hurt away.
âPlease tell me I didnât ruin this.â His voice cracks through the words, the panic breaking through. Your silence seems to suffocate him, squeezing his ribs until there is no space left for air.
âIâm so sorry, baby! I wish I could take it all back. I would.â His bottom lip trembles and he bites down on it before continuing. âTell me I can fix this. Thereâs gotta be somethinâ I can do. Anything.â
You blink rapidly, vision swimming, breath hiccuping in your throat. You donât know if there is anything to fix, if there was ever anything there, to begin with, but he is looking at you like there was. Like there is. Like it is still hanging in the air between you, waiting to be caught, waiting to be named.
And you want to catch it. To press it to your heart and cherish it.
But the wounds are fresh. Still bleeding. Still open.
The images you conjured up in your mind, him with all those girls. The sounds of him bringing one after the other home - the routine.
The giggling. The keys. The apartment door. More giggling. His chuckles. The hallway. His bedroom door. The goodbyes. The mornings.
But worst of all is that you canât even blame him.
Because what was he supposed to do? Wait for something that was never promised? Hold out hope for something that was never offered?
You had no claim on him.
But still, you hate how he tried to fuck you out of his system. Hate that he couldnât, that heâs standing here now, telling you it was all for nothing, that you were always in his head, in his bones, and that that somehow is supposed to make it better.
You donât know if it does now. But you hope - you hope so dearly - that it will get better. If heâll stick with you.
âNo more girls.â The words choke out of you, weak and broken, barely a breath. But he jolts like you have screamed them.
âNever,â he breathes immediately, shaking his head as if to get rid of his own images, gripping you tighter, his thumbs pressing into your cheeks, his eyes burning through yours. âNo more, baby. No one else. Not ever.â
Your breath catches, body sways.
There is a burn behind your ribs, not quite pain, but not far from it. It is something that pulses in time with your heartbeat. Too quick. Too uneven.
âOnly you,â he adds, his forehead dropping to yours, noses brushing, his breath warm against your lips, his hands trembling where they hold you. âItâs only ever been you.â
Heat rises up your throat, something between nausea and electricity, a burst of too much all at once.
âI got a lot to make up for.â His tone is unraveling at the seams. But it sounds firmer now. Convicted. âI know that. I know I- fuck, I screwed this up before I even knew I had a chance. And thatâs on me.â
You squeeze your eyes shut, because itâs too much - his voice, his touch, the way he is looking at you like you hung the damn moon when youâve spent years feeling invisible to him in the way that mattered.
âI donât wanna rush this, alright?â
You blink up at him. Your chest feels stretched too tight, as if the ribs themselves are holding onto something they shouldnât, something too large, something too consuming.
âI donât wanna mess this up more than I already have. I donât wanna push or expect anythinâ from you - I just wanna do this right. For you.â His voice wavers on the last word, still scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of losing something he only just realized he had. âYou understand me?â
You nod wordlessly. Almost feeling hypnotized by him. His eyes are so intense. So full.
âIâve been waitinâ for this, hopinâ for this - Christ, I donât even know how long.â
Your stomach flips, something curling in your stomach at the heaviness of his confession, at the realization that you werenât alone in this. Maybe never have been.
âAnd now that itâs happeninâ - now that I have you, even if I donât deserve it - I wanna take my time. I wanna make this good for you. Have to. I have to make this right,â he says, voice filled with something gravelly, rough like something barely holding together.
His fingers slide over your jaw, tracing along the column of your throat, memorizing the feel of you beneath his hands.
âAnd I hate-â his voice falters, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before he forces himself to look at you again. âI hate that itâs happening like this. That I hurt you first. That I didnât see this sooner.â
âBucky-â
He cuts you off with his eyes and a shake of his head.
âPlease I- I gotta do this. Gotta say this, baby.â
You nod.
He closes his eyes again for a moment like he wants to go back and shake his past self by the shoulders, tell him to wake the hell up and stop hurting the one girl he ever cared about.
He continues, voice hoarse. âI would do anything to make this different. Better. The way you deserve.â
Your breath is shallow, not quite catching, but hovering just short of where it should be, as if your body canât decide whether to brace itself for collapse.
Youâve spent so long breaking for him, wanting him in ways he never seemed to want you back. But now he is pouring his heart out and asking for something he already has but isnât sure he is worthy of.
âYou donât gotta say anythinâ right now, doll,â Bucky whispers. Afraid of scaring you off. âI know I shoulda told you sooner.â He grimaces, disgusted with himself. âI shoulda known sooner. I was so fuckinâ stupid. So fuckinâ blind.â
You donât even notice you started leaning further into him.
Bucky stares at you for a moment. You look back.
âI donât deserve you,â he says quietly. Whispers really. He exhales shakily and you feel the breath fan along your cheeks. âBut I swear to God, I will.â
You donât weigh the hurt against the want, donât let the war in your head talk you out of your next move.
Your hands reach up, curling into the fabric of his shirt and before he can say anything else - before he can tear himself apart further - you kiss him.
And for a split second, Bucky freezes.
Not believing this is happening, not expecting it even after everything he just told you.
But then, he exhales this soft and quivering breath against your lips, relief knocking the air out of his lungs.
One hand flies to your waist, pulling you in, the other threading into your hair. He kisses you back like he is starving, like he has been dying for this, like he canât believe you are real and this moment is something heâs imagined a thousand times but never thought heâd get to have.
And he is so warm. So solid. His lips move against yours, soft and slow at first - savoring you, afraid to go too fast, to push too much. But when you let out a little sigh and your fingers tighten, Bucky melts, pressing in closer, enveloping you in his arms in a way that has you feeling he tries to make sure you never go anywhere else again.
He breathes you in like you are something holy, tilting your head and deepening the kiss. He is not forceful. He takes what he can get and he cherishes it. Like he said, he wants to take his time with you. It makes you fall in love with him even more.
Itâs like he canât believe you are even letting him have this. But he kisses you with a hope and a determination that this will not be the only time he gets to have this.
And when you pull back again, he rests his forehead against yours once more. You feel the way his chest rises and falls against your own, the way his breath shakes, the way his grip does not loosen at all.
âJesus, doll,â he rasps, panting. âYou tryna kill me?â
And the way he says it, the way he looks at you, so full of longing and desire and relief makes you realize that maybe heâs been suffering just as much as you have.
âI want you. Itâs as simple as that. Iâve spent a great deal too much of my life already trying to convince myself that I can make do with less but I canât. You hear me? Iâm done. Iâm not giving up. A life without you is not enough.â
Summary: You canât take another night of hearing Bucky fuck a girl who isnât you.
Word Count: 13.6k
Warnings: Bucky is a fuckboy (but heâs still a sweetheart); lots of talk about unrequited love (but is it?); mentions of sex; crying; lots of desperation; longing; heavy confessions; feels; happy ending
Authorâs Note: This is written for the lovely cinema themed writing challenge of @elixirfromthestars ⥠I had this kind of idea for a while but when I read those lyrics it somehow immediately came back to my mind and I needed to make something out of it. This is kind of inspired by your Boulevard Confessions because I loved it so much! And damn, I've already written so much about roommate!Bucky but I canât help myself lol, I love him. Also, this got a little long, I'm sorry. Still, I hope you enjoy! âĄ
Hold My Hand "Pull me close, wrap me in your aching arms. I see that you're hurtin', why'd you take so long to tell me you need me? I see that you're bleeding, you don't need to show me again. But if you decide to, I'll ride in this life with you. I won't let go 'til the end." â Lady Gaga
Masterlist
You hear the giggling before anything else.
Itâs always the giggling.
And, as always, it grates on your nerves.
It carves through the air, seeps into the walls, into the floorboards, into you. It tears its way inside and scrapes its manicured nails along the rawest and most sensitive parts of you, only to bury itself deep, where you canât simply dig it out.
Then comes the keys.
The light, metallic jingle, so careless in its melody, but so troubling in its meaning.
Then the lock turning, the click soft and yet so irrefutable.
Then the door opening.
More giggles.
His breathy chuckles.
Then the door closing.
Shoes being kicked off, one hitting the wall.
You press the pillow harder against your ears, as if you could suffocate the sound before it reaches you, as if you could bury yourself deep enough under the covers to escape what you already know is coming. But you canât. You never can.
Your brain usually does you the favors of drowning out the parts in the hallway, knowing it will probably make your heart stop in an instant. Today, it doesnât do you any favors and you close your eyes, accepting the sting behind them.
And then, his bedroom door.
And if all that wasnât torture enough, it was only the easy part.
Because now is when it really starts. Itâs when your throat closes up, the breath in your lungs turns heavy, thick, impossible. Because no matter how many times this has happened, no matter how many times you laid here in your bed, still, so still, waiting for the agony to stop, pretending it doesnât happen - it never stops hurting. It never stops breaking your heart - or whateverâs left of it.
At first, there is silence. The small period where you almost dare to believe, to hope.
But then comes the moaning.
High-pitched and breathy, hinting at a pleasure that strikes you with a hammer.
Someone else. Always someone else. Someone who is not you, someone who never had to try, someone who will never know what it means to ache for him like you do.
Then, quieter, but just as devastating, Buckyâs voice. The low sound of him unraveling. The sound of something slipping from him that you will never be able to take.
And thatâs what breaks you most. Thatâs what turns the ache into utter misery. Madness even. Itâs the inescapable proof that he has something to give - something deep, something intimate - and he is giving it away. Over and over again, but never to you.
You close your eyes, as always. It doesnât help, as always. The sounds donât stop anyway. The images come anyway - the touches you have imagined, the way his hands would feel against your skin, the way his mouth would shape your name if you were the one beneath him. The way he might look at you, if only he could see.
But right now, you are just the ghost in the next room, curled in on yourself, ears filled with the sound of someone else living the life you always wanted.
And in the morning, or right after, when the door will open again, when the giggling will turn to goodbyes, you will still be here, where you always are. Where you always will be. Waiting. Wanting. Breaking. Wishing you could turn it off, this feeling. This unendurable and never-ending heartbreak.
And that finally makes the tears flow.
They well up before they spill over, down the slope of your cheek, gathering in the hollow beneath your nose before falling onto the pillow and wetting it like a pool.
You squeeze your eyes shut, so tightly it should hurt, so tightly it should make them stop. But they come anyway. They come despite the barricade of your willpower, despite the way your body coils tighter in on itself. They come despite the desperate war you wage against them.
They come because you have lost. Because itâs too much.
The moaning doesnât stop, and itâs too much. Itâs the middle of the night, and itâs too much. Itâs the third night in a row, and itâs too much.
Buckyâs hushed voice shatters something inside of you, you didnât know was left intact a few seconds ago.
Your breath turns sticky, only half of it making its way up your throat. The other half stays attached to the walls of your throat like honey gone rancid. It refuses to leave completely, snagging and trapping you in the awful space between breathing and choking.
Maybe if it stopped altogether, it would be easier. Maybe suffocating would be gentler than this slow and unsparing death of heartbreak.
Your hands are shaking. You bury your face into the pillow, willing it to just take you as a whole and never let you leave again. The fabric muffles the shuddering sobs, but it cannot do anything for the way your body trembles. But you know that the sounds of pleasure in the other room will tune out the sounds of your cries. The pillow is being clutched so tightly, you might tear the fabric. But itâs your heart thatâs being torn into so many pieces. So what is a pillow compared to the ruin of your heart? Itâs nothing.
You are alone in your grief.
The moans stop for a second - abrupt, cut off mid-breath.
Buckyâs voice comes. He says something but you donât catch his words.
However, you do catch the displeased groan of his girl for the night. Drawn-out and petulant. Annoyed.
Bucky speaks again. Firmer, this time. Again, itâs too quiet to catch it.
And then you hear your name. Itâs muffled still, but you would hear your name coming from his lips always and forever. You know the exact cadence of it shaping his mouth.
Everything in you halts. Your breaths are suspended somewhere in your throat, caught between shock and devastation.
The girl scoffs. Itâs a snappy sound. Almost whiny. You would have rolled your eyes if you werenât so troubled.
The moaning resumes. But it is quieter this time. Controlled almost. A courtesy. A mercy. But not for you. Not in the way you wish.
And it makes you know.
He asked her to keep it down. For you. He must have told her he has a roommate - you - and that they need to be mindful, that you might be trying to sleep.
Somehow, in all the infinite ways he could have cared for you, this is the one he chose. Not to love you, not to want you, but to make sure his flings donât disrupt your sleep. As if thatâs the worst of it. As if the noise is what truly keeps you up at night, and not the agonizing truth of it all.
Harshly, your teeth sink into your lip, fighting to stifle the sob that trembles on the edge of you. But again, you are losing.
Because hearing your name in the middle of something so intimate, spoken in the same breath of his pleasure, is pure anguish.
Because your name should not exist there. Not like this. Not casually sneaking into a mind occupied with pleasuring someone else.
If he were to say your name in a moment like this, it should be a soft whisper against your skin, entangled in sheets, buried in kisses that steal the air from your lungs. It should be something private, something sacred.
Not an idle afterthought. A consideration. A passing thought before he loses himself in someone elseâs body. You have never heard him say any girlâs name before when sleeping with them, but hell you also donât try to listen too closely.
You wonât talk about this. You never talk about this. When the morning comes and you meet Bucky in the kitchen for breakfast, you will not mention it. Just like you never mention the other nights. Just like you never dwell on the soft apologies he offers when they got too loud. And just like always, you will brush it off, force a brittle smile, and tell him that itâs fine.
Itâs not. It never has been. And you donât think you ever manage to make it sound like you mean it. But you are gone before Bucky can push or apologize again. Or see how deep the knife has gone.
Because he might be careful to be quiet. But he will never be careful enough to stop breaking your heart.
So what is the point?
You donât want to do another morning like this.
You canât do another morning like this.
Not three times in a row.
Not when the night has already taken your soul and what was precious of it, barely sewn together by the time the sun fights its way through the window.
Not when you know how it will play out. Like it has the day before. And the day before that.
The door to his room will creak open, the girl already gone. You will hear the shuffle of his bare feet against the floor, the sigh as he stretches, and the yawn that usually makes it past his lips. He never tries to stifle it.
And then, him standing there and watching you.
Disheveled. Bed hair sticking up in a mess. You never let your mind wander to how her fingers might have something to do with that. His shirt would loosely hang over his frame, probably thrown on in a hurry, collar askew, revealing a sliver of skin you shouldnât be looking at.
That lazy and slightly flustered smile. Sleep still in the corners of his eyes, his lips, his voice, when he greets you with a scratchy morning.
Like nothing happened. Like he didnât shatter you into a thousand unfixable pieces last night. And the night before that. And now this night.
You will do your best to greet him back without sounding pained. Focusing on making coffee. The way the steam normally curls into the air, the warmth of the mug in your hands. You will have to focus on it as if itâs the only thing keeping you upright.
And despite knowing you shouldnât - despite hating yourself for it - you will slide a cup toward him. As you always do.
His smile would shift. Settling into something fond, something warm, something that digs its claws into your ribs and refuses to let go.
Because thatâs usually the worst part. Heâs always so sweet with you. Thoughtful, affectionate in ways that donât count. In the ways that make you feel like maybe if you just hold on a little longer, if you wait just a little more, he might start feeling what you do.
But you are certain, he wonât.
Because for him, everything seems fine. For him, this will be just another morning. Another easy, comfortable start to the day. With his eyes on you and sipping his coffee, exhaling like he is finally at peace, and leaning against the counter with a lightness that always has your stomach all up in shambles.
He always makes it seem so normal. Starting conversation with you, talking to you as if nothing has changed. Like you didnât spend the night curled in on yourself, swallowing down sobs so thick they feel like razor blades. Like you didnât spend the night choking on the sound of him with her.
He never mentions them. Never says any of the girlâs names, not that you even know what they are. He never makes plans to see them again. Just another faceless but very loud girl. One to be forgotten.
But tomorrow night, there will be another.
Tomorrow night will be the same.
And in the morning nothing will have happened.
Only him standing there with his sleep-mussed hair and that sweet, easy smile, drinking the coffee you should have stopped making for him a long, long time ago.
You rise out of bed, not even aware of it. The cold air nips at your tear-streaked cheeks, your sheets thrown back in a mass of tangled fabric still warm from the ball your body was curled in, breaking in silence. The pillow is still wet.
Your hands move on their own, tugging on slacks, yanking a hoodie over your head as though the fabric could hide you, save you from the devastation caving a hole into your chest.
You fumble for your phone before throwing open your bedroom door.
The moans are louder again. Yanking at your resolve and laughing at the way your tears keep coming.
Your feet move faster. You donât actually run, but it feels like running. Like fleeing. Escaping a burning building before it collapses. The living room comes into view and itâs like a cruel trick, like the universe is taunting you, because all you see are phantoms.
The coffee machine on the counter. How many times have you two stood there, still tousled with sleep, you making coffee for the both of you because Bucky burns everything. How many times did he lean on the counter, watching you with that stupid little half-smirk, pretending to judge your process but always humming in satisfaction when he took the first sip.
The bookshelf in the corner - the one you swore you could build on your own. And you tried, you really did, but the second the screwdriver slipped and you gasped out loud, Bucky was there immediately. Hands on yours, worry furrowing his brows, grumbling about your stubbornness and continuing to grumble when he passive-aggressively built it himself.
You sat cross-legged on the floor, watching him, pretending to be annoyed but secretly savoring the way he kept glancing at you, again and again, to make sure you were okay and giving you instructions as to how itâs done but throwing you a glare when you insisted on trying again.
The carpet. The same one you both collapsed onto after a night out with your friends, too tipsy to move, giggling like teenagers as you pointed at the ceiling, pretending to find constellations in the uneven paint. He named one after you. You named one after him. You fell asleep there, side by side, and when you woke up he was so close. So close.
The couch. The one he practically melted into last week when he had a fever, whining dramatically until you caved and brought him soup. He kept pulling you back when you tried to leave, pouting like a child, demanding your attention because Iâm sick, doll. Canât ignore me when Iâm sick. Until you sighed and sat down, letting his head rest in your lap. He fell asleep like that. Snoring. And you didnât have the heart to move.
And now he is in his room, tangled in her, moaning into her skin, kissing her - like it doesnât mean anything. Like none of it ever meant anything.
Your breath is uneven, your hands shaking as you grab your shoes. The laces blur, your vision fogs, but you canât stop.
You throw open the door to your shared apartment, barely thinking, barely breathing, only moving. It swings back into the frame with a sharp sound echoing through the hallway, louder than you had intended. But it doesnât matter now. Because you are sure that Bucky doesnât hear it. He doesnât notice. He is otherwise occupied and you are utterly drained of thinking about with what.
The air outside the apartment feels different. Lighter and cooler, but it doesnât bring relief. Itâs thin and hard to pull into your lungs properly.
Natashaâs place isnât far. Fifteen minutes on foot. You tell yourself that over and over, like a mantra, like something to grasp on.
No more moans. Lost to silence, left in a place that feels little like home right now. Still, they resonate in your skull, haunting reminders of that pain you canât dismiss, that hurt that hangs off you like a heavy burden.
You slow your steps on the staircase and inhale deeply. It trembles on its way out.
You hate how fragile you feel. How breakable. Hate how much this affects you. How much he affects you.
But you keep walking.
Just yesterday, you talked to Natasha and she offered you to stay with her for the night, looking at you all sharp and knowing, but in her own way sympathetic. You declined. Because you thought youâd be fine. Well, you were wrong.
Itâs past midnight now, completely dark, but you donât care.
You know, Natasha will let you in. And that will have to be enough for tonight.
The city is alive even at this hour. Neon lights glow in the distance, their reflection shimmering in rain-slicked puddles that dot the cracked pavement. Somewhere across the street, there is a group of people laughing, and disappearing around a corner. A car flies past, with headlights unlocking long shadows lengthening down the sidewalk.
You focus on those things. On the shoes thumping against the pavement. The way the crisp air is somehow refreshing as it weaves through the fabric of your hoodie and stings slightly at the tear-streaked skin of your cheeks, keeping you awake and propelling you forward. Not that you need any more motivation to leave.
You wind your arms around yourself like a shield, like a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from falling apart completely.
You donât look back.
Somewhere above you, there is a creak of a window opening.
It makes you freeze for a small second, before tightening your arms around yourself and picking up your pace.
Your stomach spins violently because fuck, you know that sound. You know the groan of that window when it moves, just a little off its hinges, just enough to make a noise youâve heard a hundred times before. Because itâs the window of your apartment. And it makes a noise that has never felt so much like a punch to the gut.
âY/n?â
You close your eyes.
âY/n!â
Your name spills from his lips, laced with confusion, infused with something that makes your fingers clench around your arms.
You could ignore him. You should ignore him. Just keep walking, keep moving, pretend you didnât hear.
But you canât. You never can.
With a slow, dragging breath, you turn around.
Bucky is leaning over the frame, his torso reaching out the window, bare from the shoulders down. He is bathed in the hazy yellow glow of the streetlights.
His hair is messed up, brown tendrils all sticking in different directions. His brows are knitted in confusion. His lips in a frown so full of worry. And itâs just too much.
Too warm. Too intimate. Too familiar.
Your chest stutters, lurches, and swirls itself into a dozen moving shapes that hurt more than they should. Because he stands there shirtless. Shirtless. And you know why.
You swallow back your hurt, but it stays stuck in your throat and crawls right up again to make you taste it on your tongue.
You force your gaze away from staring at the curve of his collarbone, the slope of his throat, the soft lines of his skin, the hard lines of his muscles that she had her hands on just minutes ago.
âWhere are you going?â
The tone highlights his concern, thick with the kind of worry that would have meant everything if it werenât coming from him like this, not now. His voice is rough, remnants of the time already spent with that girl, but all you can hear is that damn worry in it.
As if you owe him an answer. As if he isnât the reason your chest feels like itâs been hollowed out and left to rot.
You draw in half a breath and look away - down the street, down at your shoes, the bricks of your building. Anywhere that isnât him.
âTo Natâs.â
Itâs clipped and short. You donât want to explain, donât want to talk, donât want to stand here in the night air beneath the window of the apartment you share with him like some pathetic wreck while he worries about you.
âNatâs?â You can hear the bewilderment in his voice, the way he is trying to piece it together, the way his brain is already working overtime, scrambling to make sense of this - and you can practically feel the moment he decides he wonât let it go.
âSomethinâ happen?â His voice just wonât stop to be so perplexed, so concerned. It is softer now, but you only glance up at him briefly before averting your eyes again.
Because damn Bucky, yes, something happened. Everything happened. Every night that he brings someone home, every touch that belongs to someone else, every soft moan that isnât meant for you.
All these moments, all these memories, every feeling left unsaid that swivels and stings and grows into what it is now - a storm inside your rib cage, a hurricane of almosts and never wills and why does it have to be like this?
But of course, you canât say that. You wonât say that.
So you just shake your head, tighten your arms around yourself, and take a step back.
âGo back to bed, Bucky.â
Because you canât do this right now. You wonât do this right now.
Not when you are already about to break.
âI- What?â
His voice is a little raspy, puzzled, and under any other circumstance, it might have been endearing. On a normal day, if this were some cozy Sunday morning and not the breaking stretch of midnight, you might have smiled at the sight of him like this - hair in a wild mess, eyes a little heavy from the day, bare shoulders shifting in the glow of the streets.
But this is not a Sunday morning. And nothing about this feels good or cozy or right.
You are so damn exhausted. So damn drained.
âYou-â he starts again, brow furrowing deeper, but before he can get another word out, hands appear - slim fingers wrapping around the thick of his bicep, tugging, pulling, trying to drag him back inside.
Bile is pooling at the base of your throat.
Sheâs alone with him up there, in the space that you have spent so much time making into something warm, something filled with comfort. A space where you feel home. With him. And yet, itâs that random girl in there, laying in his bed, under his covers, in his scent, in him.
âBucky, come on.â Her voice is thin and peevish, thick with impatience. And exhaustion you believe she has no right to feel when you are the one who has spent the time suffocating under her presence.
But Bucky doesnât move.
His hand only grips onto the windowsill tighter, muscles in his arm locking.
And his eyes stay fixed on you.
Still searching. Still confused. Still trying to understand.
And it makes your hands clammy.
The way he looks at you like he is reaching for something just beyond his grasp, something that eludes him no matter how hard he tries to hold onto it.
He huffs out a breath that just borders on frustration when her fingers wonât stop pulling at him.
âHold on, doll-â he calls out to you and unwinds her hands from his arm, barely sparing her a glance as he leans out the window again. There is a little something in his tone when he speaks to you again. Something like exasperation. But itâs not meant for you. âWhatâre you doinâ at Natâs? Tell her itâs the middle of the goddamn night. Why would she let you walk over to her? She knows itâs not safe.â
You shake your head, already half turning away again. You just cannot do this right now.
âItâs fine. Just go back to bed, Bucky.â
âY/n - hey. Whatâs wrong? Whatâs this about?â There it is. That softness in his voice. That concern. And it hurts. Because he doesnât get it.
âGo. Back. To bed,â you repeat, sharper now, gritting it out between clenched teeth.
But Bucky has always been stubborn. And so infuriating. Itâs like he doesnât hear you at all.
âCâmon doll, did something happen? Talk to me,â he urges, voice gentle but he doesnât seem to like the way you look as if you would bolt around the corner any second. His tone is coaxing in a way that makes you ache because this is what he does. This is what he has always done - pulling you in, making you feel safe, making you feel cared for, making you feel like you matter. Like he means it.
And itâs cruel. So cruel.
Because you are in love with him.
And he is standing in that window, bare-chested and rumpled from a night with another woman, while you are in slacks and a simple hoodie beneath him with your heart cracked wide open, bleeding into the pavement.
âI donât wanna do this right now, Bucky,â you snip, voice losing patience. But you are so tired.
Bucky sighs and runs a hand through his hair, frustration growing, seeping into his voice. âYouâre killinâ me here, sweetheart. Just tell me whatâs goinâ on. Itâs cold out, doll. Youâre not even wearinâ a jacket.â
You swallow down a choked breath.
Because this is making things so much worse.
That he cares. That he is looking at you like this, like you matter, like you are his.
Like you are something he wants to figure out. And he wants to take his time with. Like he wants to fix you.
But you are not broken. You are just in love.
âBucky,â that girl calls out again, dragging his name out, voice honey-thick and pettish. âCome on babe, let it go. Just-â She tugs at his arm again, nails skimming along his forearm. âCome back to bed.â
But he doesnât move.
Doesnât even glance at her.
His mouth twitches, jaw ticking as he exhales sharply through his nose, shaking her off with a firm roll of his shoulder. âWould you quit it for a sec?â His voice is edged now, tinged with a kind of terse impatience he seldom ever lets out. âJesus, mâtryin to talk here.â
The girl huffs, clearly displeased, but Bucky doesnât spare her another second.
But the one second he threw his head around at her was your chance. Your feet move before you can think, before you can talk yourself into staying, because if you do, if you let him pull you in, let yourself hope-
âWoah, doll, hey. Wait, I-â
His voice is frantic, stammering over its own syllables and filled with too many things your mind is too jumbled to focus on.
But it makes you stop your body in the midst of a step. And you grind down on your teeth against the frustration burning inside you.
You should keep walking. Shouldnât have stopped.
But Bucky is leaning even further out now, his knuckles bracing against the sill, the night air tousling his hair, eyes wide and concerned, searching. One of his arms is reaching out, down to you as if he could touch you like this.
âHold up, yeah? Iâm cominâ down.â
You whip halfway back to him, brows snapping together, heart slamming against your ribs.
âNo, you-â
Heâs already pulling himself back inside, shaking his head as if it should be obvious. âIâm coming down,â he repeats, more insistent, more sure. Leaving no room for argument.
Your fists squeeze the fabric of your hoodie. Your stomach churns. âBucky-â you try again. But he has already made up his mind.
âWait there, alright?â His voice dips lower, steadier but still urgent. Resolute, as if he would run after you if you bolted down the street. âDoll. Promise me youâll wait.â
Something in his tone, the look he is giving you, like heâs begging, almost a sweet-talking declaration. Itâs catching your breath somewhere in your throat.
You could run.
You should.
You should turn right back around, disappear into the night, and leave him standing there, shirtless and confused and worried.
But you hold his gaze for just one long and heavy beat, then exhale shakily, shoulders dropping slightly.
âOkay,â you say weakly.
Bucky nods determined and taps his fingers against the windowsill, before rushing away, leaving the window wide open.
And you stand there hating yourself for waiting.
Hating yourself for hoping.
Technically, you could just leave.
Take a different route to Natâs apartment, slip into the dark veins of the city where his voice wouldnât reach, and let him walk out onto an empty sidewalk with his hair still tousled from another womanâs fingers and the taste of someone elseâs lips still lingering on his own.
You could make him feel just a fraction of what you feel, with something hollow pressing up against his ribs when he finds nothing but cold pavement where you used to stand.
But you donât.
You know you wonât.
Because it wouldnât just frustrate him. It would hurt him.
And thatâs the one thing you could never bring yourself to do.
Not Bucky.
Never Bucky.
You know him. The way he chews at the inside of his cheek when heâs trying not to say something reckless. The way his brows pull just a little too tight when heâs agitated but trying to play it off like he is fine. The way he folds his arms over his chest, not because heâs closed off, but because he needs something to hold onto.
You know exactly how he would react if he stepped out here and you werenât there.
How the slight crease between his brows would deepen. How his fingers would twitch, opening and closing, like heâd missed his chance to catch you. How his lips would open and he would stare helplessly around and call your name.
And god, as much as this pain is devouring you from the inside out, pushing its way into the light but leaving you sitting in the dark, as much as your heart feels like being torn apart with unsaid words and unmet confessions - you cannot stand the thought of hurting him.
So you stay.
With feet planted on the concrete, fists clenched so hard, that your fingers start to cramp. You lift your trembling hands to your aching cheeks to hastily scrub away the fresh wave of tears surging forth downwards, willing your body to erase any evidence of your devastation.
But the more you wipe, the more it hurts.
You believe your cheeks are red from the effort of wiping so much, eyes swollen and puffy, your body trying to rebel against all of your commands.
Inhaling shakily, you force the breath down, down, down where you can pretend it doesnât hurt so much. You angle your face slightly away from the building, hoping the dim spill of moonlight wonât betray your inner struggles.
Because the moment Bucky steps out that door, it will be the same as always.
Heâll look at you like you are his best friend. Like you are his safe place. Like you are the person he can always count on.
And you will look at him like you arenât falling apart.
Like your heart isnât unraveling at the seams.
Like you arenât drowning in a love that will never be returned.
The door swings open with a force that startles you, the sound of it hitting the frame a little too sharp against the night.
Bucky storms out onto the sidewalk like heâs got something urgent to say, like the world might stop spinning if he doesnât get to you fast enough. He doesnât hesitate. Doesnât pause. Just moves straight to you, his steps quick, closing the space before you can change your mind about standing here. He has a crumpled shirt thrown on and it hangs a little off. But it makes you want to run so hard.
His fingers wrap around your arms, not hard, not forceful but firm.
Those warm hands on you make you want to crumble.
His breath is coming fast, chest rising and falling, like he ran down the staircase to get here as fast as possible.
His eyes are so deep, deep and blue, roaming your face with so much intensity, searching and scanning and pausing.
Shadows cast over his sharp cheekbones at the way his brows are furrowed, his lips slightly parted.
âWhatâs going on, doll? You been cryinâ?â His voice comes out rough and he talks fast. Urgent, breaths spilling over themselves as he rushed through the words, almost tripping on them in his desperation to get them out. âWhyâve you been crying? What happened?â
His thumb twitches against the fabric of your hoodie.
You open your mouth, close it again. Your throat is dry from the sobs you tried to silence earlier. You shake your head, a knee-jerk reaction.
âI was just going to Natâs, Bucky. Nothing happened.â
Itâs a weak excuse, said in a weak voice.
And you hate how it makes Buckyâs expression shift. That tiny wounded something that crosses his features, something that shouldnât be there, because you did wait for him, you didnât leave, but itâs still not enough. You lied to him. And he knows it. And heâs hurt. And you hate yourself.
He shakes his head, his jaw going tight.
âNo,â he murmurs, eyes never leaving you, voice so low. âThat ainât nothinâ, doll. Câmon. Youâre runninâ off in the middle of the night, how could this be nothing?â
You look away. Because if you keep looking at him, him with his concern and confusion and hurt all interflowing in the pool of those blue eyes, you wonât be able to hold yourself together much longer.
You swallow hard and force yourself to breathe slowly.
The sting behind your eyes is never really leaving you.
Bucky leans in, just a little. His grip on your arms tightens, but itâs not harsh. Only insistent. Desperate for you to give him something here.
âSomethinâ up with Natasha?â His voice is gentle, like he knows this has nothing to do with her, but he has to ask anyway to go through all the possible options of what might be going on.
âNo,â you croak, barely managing the word.
He softens at the sound of it, but that frown doesnât ease.
âWhatâre you doing then, huh? Whyâre you running off like that? Sâ not safe, you know that.â His voice is soft. Almost like heâs trying to soothe a skittish animal. But the concern is wrapping around every word. âWhatâs got you so upset, sweetheart? Talk to me, yeah? Please?â
His voice takes on a desperate intensity. Like heâs begging you to just let him in. To make him understand.
You bite down hard on your bottom lip, willing it not to tremble, willing your face not to crumble right in front of him, but the air is too thick for your airway, making it harder and harder to breathe.
And Bucky is looking at you, like you are breaking his goddamn heart. Like you took a shot straight for it.
He is so full of worry, it looks painful, the crease of his brow always there when heâs thinking too hard, when heâs feeling too hard. His lips are still parted, like he wants to beg for an explanation, for some string of words that will make this all click into place and turn this into something fixable.
Because Bucky Barnes fixes things.
But this might be the only thing he canât fix.
His hands on you are a contrast to the way you feel as if youâre falling apart. You hate how much you just want to collapse into it, to let yourself lean into him, let him hold you up. Because he would. You know he would. He would pull you in without hesitation, wrap his arms around you like he has done so many times before.
But you donât want him to hold you. Donât want him to hold you like a friend.
You want him to hold you like he means it. Like you mean something more than the sum of all the nights you spent choking on your own silence, swallowing words you could never say.
So all you can do is stay frozen, bones locked, eyes burning, heart splitting itself open in the middle of the street where he doesnât even know heâs killing you.
âI-â
You try. You really try.
But then the door swings open again. And the sound of it alone is enough to send a bolt of ice down your spine.
Because this time itâs her walking out.
She steps out onto the sidewalk like she has every right to be a part of this moment.
Like she hasnât spent the first part of the night in Buckyâs bed. Like she hasnât been touched by him, kissed by him, fucked by him, wanted by him in a way that you have only ever ached for.
Like she hasnât taken something that was never hers to have.
But itâs not yours either.
She looks so composed, too. More put together than you would have imagined. Her hair smoothed, clothes adjusted, skin glowing in a way that tells you she wasnât just sleeping up there - she was living in something youâve been dying for. She probably took a moment in your bathroom to check herself, to fix her lipstick, maybe even to admire herself in the mirror while you were downstairs, breaking apart.
She had the time for that.
Meanwhile, you can barely stand.
Your body is alive with magnitudes of unspoken things, suffocating. You feel like youâve been sanded down, like a piece of wood, leaving nothing but the ache and longing and all the words you canât say. This destruction is slow and ruthless, it doesnât come with an explosion, but rather a slow erasure.
Like youâre being unmade. Piece by piece.
Like you were never meant to be here in the first place.
And Bucky is still looking at you.
Not at her.
You.
And maybe that should be enough. Maybe it should mean something.
But it just puts more pressure on the knife that is already turning around in your flesh.
The girl doesnât leave and Bucky stiffens.
âBucky,â she drawls, almost lazy, like sheâs bored with this already. âAre you coming back up, orâŚ?â
Your stomach lurches.
You feel exposed, scraped raw, like youâve been trampled over, flattened by something massive, left behind for everyone else to step around.
Bucky lets out a slow breath through his nose. His jaw works under pressure. And then, he huffs. Annoyed. Like sheâs interrupting something important.
âGo home,â he flatly tells her, his attention still on you. Not even addressing her with a name. Perhaps he doesnât even know it.
âSeriously?â she scoffs, crossing her arms. Her eyes flick between the two of you.
Bucky exhales another breath and drops one of his arms from you to scrub it over his face, pushing through his hair. He turns toward her just a little, stance rigid.
âYeah, seriously,â he mutters, already turning back to you. âIâll call you a cab if you need-â
âGod, youâre such a dick,â she snaps, cutting him off, rolling her eyes with an exasperated huff. âUnbelievable.â
And then sheâs gone.
But so are you.
You donât even think about it. You just move.
Your arm slips from Buckyâs loosened grip, your body already shifting, already turning, already pulling you down the sidewalk, away from him, away from this.
Itâs pathetic. You know this. But you have to get away.
Your vision is a blur, the streetlights smearing into a soft, hazy glow against the wetness welling in your eyes, and no matter how much you try to breathe through it, itâs too much. Simply too much.
Youâre hurting. And you need to go. Now.
But Bucky doesnât let you.
âWoah, whoah, hey!â His voice is quick, rushed, and then he is moving, closing the space between you. And this time, he cuts you off completely, stepping right into your path, right in front of you, blocking the way like a wall. Heâs so broad in front of you, and so fucking present, making it impossible to escape.
You stop so fast it almost sends you stumbling back.
His eyes flick over you so quickly, so intensely, scanning for something he doesnât understand but is so desperate to find.
âAlright,â he exhales, low and careful, holding his arms out as if ready to stop you again if you make a run for it.
âYou want me to put you in chains to keep you still?âItâs a weak and failed attempt at humor.
And itâs not funny. Not even close.
His voice is too thin, too strained, and there is something in his eyes, something tight and aching, that makes it clear he is not even trying all that hard to make his joke work.
You donât smile. Donât look at him. Arms still around yourself.
Buckyâs throat bobs as he swallows, as he shifts his weight, as he lets out another slow and deliberate breath. He moves so slow. As if any tiny movement of him would make you walk away from him.
âWhatâs going on with you, mhm?â His voice is so soft. So concerned. Brooklyn warmth and worry combined with something gentler than you can handle right now.
âWhatâs this - this fight-or-flight thing you got goinâ on?â he continues, tilting his head just slightly, watching you too closely, reading too much. âYouâre rushing off like the damn place is on fire. The hell is that about, doll?â Still so soft. So cautious.
His eyes are on you like you are the only thing in the world that matters, like heâs trying to solve you, like if he just looks long enough, heâll figure it out.
But if he really understood, if he really found out, everything between you would change.
And you canât handle that. You canât handle anything at the moment.
âJust drop it, Bucky, alright?â It comes out sharper than you mean for it to. Harsher. A little spit of venom that you hate yourself for the second it hits the air. He doesnât deserve your attitude. But you canât hold it back.
You see the way it lands. The way his brows pull in tighter, the way his lips press together, the way his chest rises and falls so measured. But itâs all not out of irritation. He just tries to figure out where that came from. What is happening. What has you react the way you do.
His voice is even and calm. But oh so careful. âI donât think I will, doll.â
You look anywhere than at him and his troubled face.
Your throat tightens so fast, you have to swallow hard against it, teeth digging into the inside of your cheek as you blink up at the sky like maybe that keeps the tears from spilling over.
And Bucky watches all of that.
His expression stays soft, but his eyes are burning with something deep, something real, something that makes you feel like you might actually drown if you keep looking at them for too long.
âY/n,â he almost whispers, and it sounds so pained. âWhy are you crying, sweetheart.â Heâs so gentle, so tender, so fucking careful like heâs afraid that if he pushes too hard, youâll just break.
You shake your head, arms around yourself tightening. âIâm fine.â
Bucky makes a quiet noise in his throat, somewhere between a sigh and a scoff, something deep and disbelieving.
âSee, thatâs bullshit.â
Youâre about to turn again, but he anticipates and gets hold of your arms.
âLook,â he sighs, heedfully taking off a hand of you to rub it down his face. âYou donât wanna talk? Fine. You wanna bite my head off cause Iâm askinâ? Fine. But donât stand here and tell me youâre okay. Because Iâve got eyes, doll, and I can see that youâre not.â
You want him to stop.
You want him to turn around.
You want him to leave you here to fall apart in peace.
But he wonât.
And you donât know what to do with that.
And you break.
No matter how hard you bite your lip, it doesnât matter.
The tears slip and streak down your face before there is anything you can do. A sob follows. You canât choke it down. Your shoulders shake, your breath stutters, and your face tilts towards the ground as you bring trembling hands up to wipe at your cheeks, in a futile and desperate attempt to regain composure. Itâs useless.
You feel so pathetic.
Embarrassed. Ashamed that you ran off like this. That youâre standing here, crying in the middle of the night, on a sidewalk with no explanation, making a fool of yourself in front of him.
And the second your face crumbles, his does, too.
The second your breath hitches, he is moving.
Strong arms envelope you, winding tight, pulling you straight into his chest like he doesnât even need to think about it. Not for a single second.
You let him.
Because itâs either this, or youâll collapse down onto the asphalt.
His grip is firm, grounding, warm in a way that makes you ache even more. His hand cradles the back of your head, tucking you against him, and you feel the press of his lips there, gentle, but somehow rough.
Like your pain is his own.
âItâs okay. Shh⌠itâs okay,â he breathes, pained and low, the words pressed into your hair, into your skin. Making space between your ribs. âOh, doll.â He presses you tighter to him. His hand brushes over your hair. âItâs okay.â
There is something so deep and aching in the way he talks to you, like the sound of his own voice hurts him. Like you hurt him.
His other hand moves over your back, soothingly, trying to give you some strength.
âI gotcha,â he breathes. âMâhere, doll. Okay? Just breathe. Gotta breathe for me, baby. Please.â
Itâs a slip. Baby. A mistake.
And it makes you cry harder.
Because itâs so soft. Gentle. Because it falls from his lips like something thatâs always been there, something thatâs always belonged to you.
Except it hasnât.
It doesnât.
Not in the way you want.
You donât know what he calls those girls he takes home. If they get to hear him say it. Girls who have felt his hands in places you never will. Girls who have heard his voice rasp against their skin in the dark.
But you are not one of those girls.
You never will be.
And you know you will never be able to untangle that damaging wrench in your stomach.
So hearing him call you that. Baby. Like it means something. Like itâs yours. Like it hasnât been whispered in the dim glow of your apartment, murmured against someone elseâs lips, someone elseâs skin, just someone else just hours ago.
Itâs too hard. too cruel.
You wish it didnât matter. You wish it didnât rip through you the way it does, splitting you down the center, carving you open.
But it does.
Because even if it doesnât belong to you, you still want it.
So you cry harder.
Sobs wrack through you, your chest hitching with the force of them, your hands gripping the fabric of his shirt, clumping it in your fists.
Bucky feels it and he hears it and he grips you tighter, pulls you closer.
âHey, hey, hey,â he coos, voice just above a whisper, more desperate now. Like heâs drowning in your hurt right along with you.
âSweetheart,â he tries again, voice strained, thick. His lips are in your hair. âPlease talk to me. Make me understand, baby, please! Tell me whatâs wrong.â
But you canât.
Because what the hell would you even say?
That youâre in love with him?
That youâve been in love with him?
That seeing him with her - hearing the sounds that bleed through the walls, the ones youâll never be able to unhear - feels like being skinned alive?
That you want him in a way you shouldnât?
That you want him in a way he will never want you back?
You wonât.
So instead, you just press yourself harder into his chest and squeeze your eyes shut, letting him hold you like you are something precious. Like you are his. Even if you are not.
âHelp me understand here, baby. Please,â he repeats with a voice so soft, that makes him seem afraid you might break apart completely if he speaks any louder.
Maybe heâs right. Maybe youâre already in pieces at his feet, shattered beyond repair, and he just hasnât realized it yet.
He lets you cry when you donât answer, hand stroking up and down your back, the other soothing over your head. He whispers into your hair, words you canât even process, just the deep cadence of him, the low rasp of his voice against your temple.
His lips move to your forehead, brushing over it. His breath is warm against your skin. You donât have it in you to pull away, but you wish you would.
Because none of this makes it any easier.
Because his hands feel too good, too steady, too right - and itâs a lie.
Because itâs him.
And that means it hurts.
You wish he would just go and let you have your pathetic heartbreak alone.
But Bucky Barnes has never been the kind of a guy to leave things unsolved.
He pulls back just slightly after a while, just enough to get a better look at you, and when you try to duck your head, to keep him from seeing too much, he doesnât let you.
Strong, warm fingers cradle your face, thumbs brushing over the damp skin of your cheeks, tilting your head up and forcing your gaze to his.
He looks wrecked.
His brows are drawn, lips parted, chest rising and falling unevenly. His hands tremble just a little against your skin, but his grip stays firm. Solid.
âDonât look away, doll. Eyes on me, yeah?â
You swallow hard, jaw tight. âYou just ruined your good night,â you say, the words falling out bitter, self-deprecating, stiff with something that tastes like resentment but feels like heartbreak.
Buckyâs frown deepens, his lips pressing together, eyes scanning over your face like heâs searching for something, anything thatâll make this make sense.
âThe hell I did,â he scoffs, shaking his head. Confused you even brought this up. âI donât give a shit about her. Donât even know her name, if Iâm beinâ honest.â He lets out a huffed laugh.
But you donât.
Because somehow this makes it worse.
And you hate it.
You hate that some part of you wanted her to mean something.
Because if she meant something, if she was special, then at least this ache in your chest would have a name. A reason. A shape you could hold in trembling hands and squeeze so hard that it stops hurting at one point.
Then, at least, you could maybe finally accept that there is no hope. No reason to hold on to those feelings.
But Bucky just shrugs.
It meant nothing. It never meant anything. Not with them.
Not with the girls that come and go, the ones who pass through his nights in the same easy way the hours do - fleeting, ephemeral, touched, and forgotten.
Not with anyone. Not even with you.
You have spent so long feeling this, holding onto it, trying to keep it hidden beneath layers of friendship and longing and careful restraint. You have spent so long pretending that it is fine, that it doesnât matter, that you can live like this - on the sidelines, just the girl in the other room, in the shadows, in the spaces between what you want and what youâre allowed to have.
And he stands here and looks you in the eyes, telling you that it is nothing. That she is nothing. That they - all of them before her, and all of them after her - are nothing.
You can barely breathe past it.
You donât say anything.
And Bucky freezes.
His hands, where they cup your face, stop their soft, absentminded strokes. His thumbs, which had been tracing reassuring circles along your cheekbones halt. His breath catches and his eyes shift.
There is something uncertain in there.
And then, his lips part. His brows go up ever so slightly. His pupils flare.
Something settles over his expression that you donât recognize.
Like a switch has been flipped.
Like a puzzle piece has clicked into place.
Like suddenly he is seeing something in your eyes, something like an answer, something that has been there all along.
His fingers tighten, anchoring himself. Making it seem that if he lets go, if he moves even a fraction, something will break. In him, or you, youâre not sure.
He pulls back. Not far. Just an inch. But he needs to see you better. Just enough to search your face for something he needs to know. His gaze locks onto yours and holds you there, testing something, making sure.
His voice is hushed when he talks. Breathless.
âIs that what this is about?â
Itâs quiet, the way he says it. Like heâs afraid of it. Like heâs careful with it. There is disbelief on his face. Astonishment.
You shake your head too fast, too sharp, like if you deny it hard enough, itâll erase the way heâs looking at you right now. That itâll undo the meaning of his words and the way they sit between you. Something fragile on the verge of breaking.
âNo,â you say, but it barely comes out, barely sounds convincing. Your voice is hoarse, scraped raw form holding back everything you donât want to say. Your lungs refuse to work in sync with the rest of you. You swallow, eyes darting away, grasping for something to latch onto.
But Bucky doesnât let you.
âDollâŚâ It comes like a sigh. Weightless and soft. His hands donât drop from your face, donât loosen, donât give you the space youâre so desperately trying to carve out between you. If anything, his grip grows more robust. Just enough to keep you there.
âHey. Look at me.â His tone is low, carrying the kind of warmth youâd usually like to lean into, but now all you want is to get away from it. You donât want to meet those stormy blues.
Buckyâs thumbs are sweeping, so feather-light, over the curve of your jaw, smoothing along the damp trail of your tears, and his voice dips even lower. Softer. He is so close.
âCâmon, sweetheart. Give me somethinâ here.â
Itâs not fair that he gets to call you all those sweet names like he means them. Like you mean something. Like itâs not the same word he probably called her and all those others who got to have him, even if only for a night.
âI donât-â you try, but your voice is trembling and thick with tears, and Buckyâs gaze shadows.
âDonât what?â he coaxes, leaning in just a little, close enough that his breath skims your skin, warm and stable in a way you arenât. His fingers slightly move against your cheeks, as if resisting the urge to pull you closer.
You shake your head again, your hands wrapping around his wrists - not to push him away exactly, but to have something to hold onto. You have no idea what to say.
âItâs- Itâs not-â Your words trip over themselves, stuck somewhere between your throat and your ribs, tangled up in everything youâve never let yourself say.
But Bucky just watches you, unreadable things swirling in those impossibly blue eyes. Wary things. Still so damn careful.
He exhales and his hands slide down, skimming the column of your throat, settling against the curve of your neck like heâs grounding you. Holding you both together.
âDoll,â he sighs, and itâs too much.
Itâs not teasing. Itâs not playful. Itâs not easy. Not the charming lilt he likes to throw in his tone.
Itâs vulnerable. Tender. Substantial.
âYouâre breakinâ my heart here.â
And thatâs what has another tear slip over your lashes.
Because youâre breaking his heart?
What does that even mean?
You were the one trying to escape the heartache he caused and now he tells you itâs his heart that hurts?
âPlease,â he whispers, and his voice is wrecked, gravel thick in his throat. âJust tell me, doll. Tell me what I did. Tell me so I can fix it.â
His lips stay parted, trying to find air, trying to find some kind of solid ground. There is a sheen over his eyes.
âI canât-â Your voice cracks, but you donât look away this time. His hands wonât let you. He wonât let you.
His eyes are pleading.
âCanât what, sweetheart?â he urges, dipping closer, voice just a rasp of sound between you. His thumbs wipe away the new tears and he winces while doing it as if it actually causes him pain that they fell.
The streetlight flickers above. It casts shadows across his face, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the tight pull of his mouth. His fingers flex against your face.
âIs it-â he starts, then stops, then starts again, throat bobbing and voice rough and hesitant. âIs it those girls?â
A shallow gasp slips from your lips. Fractured and tripping over something unseen. Your shoulders grow stiff.
You canât answer. You only shake your head, not in denial, not in confirmation, but in something else, something tired and so fucking done with feeling like this.
You try to pull back, try to slip free from the heat of his palms, try to turn away. Another tear drops onto the back of his hand.
Your reaction must be answer enough.
Buckyâs head, Buckyâs hands, Buckyâs eyes, Buckyâs whole body - everything is moving so much, keeping you from slipping away, reaching for you, not letting you go.
A breath. A pause. Like his brain needs an extra moment to process what this all could mean. His breath catches in his throat and you can feel the exact moment he gets it.
The exact moment he realizes.
âShit,â he breathes, so quiet you almost miss it. His grip tightens. It grows distressed. Despairing. Keeping you from leaving his hold, although you donât stop trying.
You sob and his hands press into your cheeks, thumbs smoothing away tears like he can erase this, like maybe if he holds you tight enough, he can go back five minutes, five months, five years, to a time before he made you feel like this.
âShit, doll, I-â His voice breaks, gravel and regret and anguish - and something so painful - landing with every syllable.
You donât stop trying to pull back, trying to push him away. You canât talk. You canât stop crying. You canât look at him.
But Bucky is devastated. And he is desperate. And he wonât let you go.
âNo, no, donât - please, Y/n, donât.â He runs through his words, frantically getting them out, frantically trying to make you look at him.
He reaches your face again and holds on like itâs important. Your tears wonât stop falling. A whimper falls from your lips when you realize he wonât let you leave.
Bucky panics.
His swallow seems to hurt him. Everything he does seems to hurt him.
âOh, sweetheart - fuck, fuck, I didnât-â He lets out a rough breath, one of his hands letting go of you to scrub over his face, pushing through his hair in frustration.
Not at you.
At himself.
âDoll, I didnât - Jesus Christ, I didnât know.â
It comes out hoarse, scraped down to nothing but feeling. Each word drags from his throat like sandpaper against silence. Coarse and raspy.
And then heâs shaking his head, hands sliding to your shoulders, his hold firm, his eyes darting over your face like he is trying to memorize it, searching for the right words in the curve of your lips, the glisten of your tears, the way your breathing is a single shuddering mess.
âI didnât - fuck, I didnât mean-â
He seems to hold back a scream.
Sucking in another sharp breath, he squeezes his eyes shut like heâs in pain, angry at himself, wanting to go back and rewrite everything, tear out every page where he made you feel like you were anything but his.
You wish you could believe it.
âBucky-â you croak out.
âNo, donât-â His head doesnât stop shaking. His jaw is clenched tight. Hands shaking against you. âDonât say my name like that.â
âLike what?â Your voice is whisper-thin.
His breath shudders out, and when his eyes meet yours again, they are so earnest. Glossy with a sheen of tears.
âLike itâs over.â
Your throat closes around your next breath, never making it reach your lungs.
Because what is he saying? Nothing ever had the chance to be anything.
âI didnât know, doll,â he whispers, voice breaking. âI swear to God, I didnât know. You gotta believe me, I - fuck, I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted you to feel like- I didnât think youâd-â
He cuts himself off, voice choking.
His hands drop suddenly, like he doesnât even deserve to hold you anymore. Like the guilt is weighing them down.
And then, unsure and hesitantly, he lifts one of them again and pauses before cupping your face, waiting for something - permission, maybe, or just a sign that you wonât pull away this time.
When you donât, when you just keep standing there, frozen and broken and bewildered, he lets his palm settle warm against your cheek, his thumb brushing so lightly it sends a shiver down your back.
âTell me how to fix it. Tell me I can,â he pleads, like he means it. Like he would do anything. âTell me what to do, baby. Anything. Iâd do anything. Just gotta tell me. Please,â he chokes out.
Cars roll past you. There are voices in the distance. A neon sign flickers. But none of it touches this.
This thing between you.
Buckyâs hand shakes against your cheek. His breath stirs against your skin so ragged and he leans in. His forehead presses to yours, his body curling toward you like he doesnât even realize heâs doing it, just needing to be close.
âIâm so sorry,â he gasps out. âGod, Iâm so fucking sorry.â
Never have you seen Bucky like this. He keeps things easy, keeps things light, and shrugs off pain like it never quite reaches him. But it does now.
It consumes him.
His fingers curl at the back of your neck, not pulling, just holding, grounding himself against you. And when you continue standing there, breath shaky, tears still trembling in your lashes, his whole body sags.
His chest heaves with a breath so deep it sounds like itâs costing him something.
âI never meant for this to happen. Please, believe me.â
His forehead presses harder to yours, seemingly trying to press his words straight into you, that maybe if he gets close enough youâll feel how much he means them.
And you do. You just donât know what the hell is going on.
He lets out a sound that resembles a sob. And then you feel the damp heat of a tear where his face brushes against yours.
Bucky is crying.
It breaks you. You donât know what to do with all this pain. His and yours. Donât know how to ever let it go.
You pull back. Just slightly. Just enough to breathe, to think, to process.
But Buckyâs whole body tenses, and his eyes squeeze shut as if he knew it was coming but it still pains him. Bracing himself for something he already knows is going to hurt. His hands drop to his sides.
And maybe that should give you some kind of satisfaction, a tiny sense of justice for the nights you spent lying awake, wondering if you meant anything to him while he had his hands on someone else.
But it doesnât.
Because the way he is looking at you, when he cracks his eyes open again, when he meets your gaze with so much open ache, makes your chest hurt. It makes something inside of you quake.
âBucky,â you start, but your own voice is so small, so lost. You shake your head, scanning his face, trying to piece it together, to make sense of something that refuses to fit. How the tables have turned. You just canât seem to find the irony in it. âWhat are you even - I donât - I donât I understand.â
His throat bobs, thick and tight, and he pulls in a breath like itâs the last one heâs going to get.
âI love you.â
Your mind blanks. You flatline. Your knees go weak.
He says it like itâs the simplest thing to say. As if it is the most obvious thing in the world. But it isnât.
Because if it was then why has he spent all those nights with those seemingly meaningless girls. Why has he let you ache for him while he touched someone else.
âI love you,â he says again, softer, trying to make sure you believe it.
But you donât know how to.
Your lips part, but nothing comes out. You feel the words, heavy and warm and terrifying, but your body doesnât know what to do with them. Your mind is screaming at you to run, to protect yourself, to build the walls back up before itâs too late, but your heart doesnât listen.
Buckyâs hand trembles when it reaches for you, fingertips ghosting over your jaw, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to pull away.
You donât and he steps closer again.
His whole body thrums as if he is scared to touch you but more scared not to. He looks at you with those red-rimmed and puffy eyes, so tremendously bare, holding onto your own eyes like he is drowning and you are the only thing keeping him afloat.
âSay something, doll,â he pleads, his voice so unsteady, that it guts you.
But what could you say?
Because love is not supposed to feel like this, to hurt like this. It isnât supposed to feel like your heart has been split open and stitched back together all in the same breath.
But looking at him and at the way his eyes are just as pleading as his words, at the way he is breaking right in front of you - it makes you wonder if maybe it was hurting him all along, too.
âYou-â you begin, voice barely more than a whisper. You have to stop, have to pull in a breath that doesnât seem to want to settle, have to force your hands to stay at your sides instead of reaching for something - for him - that you donât know if you can take. âBut that-â Another inhale, sharp and broken. Your chest hurts. Your whole body hurts. âThat doesnât make any sense.â
Bucky exhales, long and slow and then he drops his head. Shoulders slumping, spine curling, like something inside of him, has just given out.
Guilt.
It sits heavy in his frame, in the set of his jaw, in the way his hands jerk like he wants to touch you but knows he shouldnât.
âYeah,â he mutters, a humorless little laugh escaping, barely more than a breath. He drags a hand down his face, through his hair, before letting it fall uselessly at his side. His voice is lower when he speaks again, raspier, weighed down by something that feels an awful lot like regret. âI know.â
You watch him, waiting. Because he owes you this. Because he cracked open something you werenât ready for, something you tried to bury, and now you need to understand.
And Bucky must feel that. Because after a beat, after a deep, shuddering breath, he looks at you again.
âI didnât think I could have you,â he admits, voice quiet. Cautious. The words fragile in his mouth. âDidnât think I was allowed to even want you. To this extent, anyway.â
Air enters you unevenly, shaking on the way in like a shiver made of sound. âBucky-â
âYouâre my best friend,â he pushes on, stepping in just a fraction, like he canât help himself. His voice is getting rougher, rawer, like something in him is unwinding too fast for him to stop it. âI didnât wanna mess that up, yâknow? Didnât wanna lose you over somethinâ I couldnât control.â
Something tightens in your chest. Something shifts.
âSo you-â you swallow, shaking your head, trying to put it together, trying to make sense of it. âSo you just went around to go get yourself other girls you can fuck?â
Bucky flinches. Actually flinches.
Gaze dropping in shame, his features form a grimace. âI tried,â he croaks out, gesturing at his chest with one hand. âTried to stop feeling like this. Tried to move on, tried to-â He exhales sharply, tilting his head side to side, something torn playing out with the movement. âIt didnât work. Nothinâ worked. Didnât even make it easier. But I was afraid to face it. Really face it. So I just kept going.â
It hurts.
It hurts in a way you donât know how to hold. Donât know how to carry.
You thought, for so long, that the way you love him, ache for him, is a one-sided agony.
But he is confessing to you, eyes red and weary, voice splintering, telling you that heâs been afraid to speak it aloud too.
That he loves you, that he tried to kill it, that he thought losing himself in someone else would somehow erase you from his mind.
Buckyâs words are a fist curling around your ribs, squeezing the air from your lungs.
It should matter. It should mean something that heâs standing in front of you, breaking apart, pleading for you to understand. Shouldnât it be enough that heâs telling you it was always you? That no one else ever came close?
But he still touched them.
Still chose them, even if only for a meaningless night.
While you sat in your room, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you were going insane. While you clenched your fists so tight beneath your sheets at night, biting your tongue, swallowing it down, because Bucky is your friend and friends donât ache like this.
And yet, he is telling you, showing you, he aches too.
But instead of sitting with it, instead of letting it consume him the way it consumed you, he tried to make it disappear.
He tried to fuck it away.
And now he looks at you like you are the only thing that has ever mattered, like the ground beneath his feet, is unsteady, like he is afraid you are going to bolt at any second.
You feel like the ground beneath your feet shits a fraction of an inch, not enough to send you falling, but enough to make you question if you were ever standing solid in the first place.
âBut, doll, it-â he rushes forward, watching your pain, stepping into your space until there is barely anything between you. âIt never meant anything. Swear to god, none of âem ever meant something to me.â His hands wrap around yours, squeezing, grounding, begging. âThey werenât you. Couldnât be you. Didnât matter how hard I tried, how many times I told myself to stop thinking about you because youâre supposed to be my best friend, but I wanted so much more than that - it didnât matter. Nothinâ worked.â
He is struggling to force the words out, but he does. And they leave him with a catch in his voice. Faltering.
âI thought about you, sweetheart. Every fuckinâ time.â His voice turns frantic and he leans in to make it convince you. He watches your lips tremble and shakes his head quickly. âThought about how youâd feel. How youâd sound.â
Your breath stalls.
Bucky swallows, taking a quick pause but continuing, voice growing softer. Lower. Reverent. âTried to picture you instead. How youâd look under me, wrapped around me. So goddamn beautiful.â His voice cracks. âBut it wasnât you. And I know it was wrong, but I couldnât help it.â
He stumbles over his words, afraid of saying too much, of pushing too far, or admitting too much - but it doesnât stop hurting.
Even if you know it might not be fair.
But the thought of him with them, the thought of his hands gripping someone elseâs skin, his lips murmuring something soft against someone elseâs throat - it makes you sick.
And he sees it.
You try to blink back another wave of tears.
His hands are on your face again, thumbs swiping furiously at your damp cheeks like he can rub the hurt away.
âPlease tell me I didnât ruin this.â His voice cracks through the words, the panic breaking through. Your silence seems to suffocate him, squeezing his ribs until there is no space left for air.
âIâm so sorry, baby! I wish I could take it all back. I would.â His bottom lip trembles and he bites down on it before continuing. âTell me I can fix this. Thereâs gotta be somethinâ I can do. Anything.â
You blink rapidly, vision swimming, breath hiccuping in your throat. You donât know if there is anything to fix, if there was ever anything there, to begin with, but he is looking at you like there was. Like there is. Like it is still hanging in the air between you, waiting to be caught, waiting to be named.
And you want to catch it. To press it to your heart and cherish it.
But the wounds are fresh. Still bleeding. Still open.
The images you conjured up in your mind, him with all those girls. The sounds of him bringing one after the other home - the routine.
The giggling. The keys. The apartment door. More giggling. His chuckles. The hallway. His bedroom door. The goodbyes. The mornings.
But worst of all is that you canât even blame him.
Because what was he supposed to do? Wait for something that was never promised? Hold out hope for something that was never offered?
You had no claim on him.
But still, you hate how he tried to fuck you out of his system. Hate that he couldnât, that heâs standing here now, telling you it was all for nothing, that you were always in his head, in his bones, and that that somehow is supposed to make it better.
You donât know if it does now. But you hope - you hope so dearly - that it will get better. If heâll stick with you.
âNo more girls.â The words choke out of you, weak and broken, barely a breath. But he jolts like you have screamed them.
âNever,â he breathes immediately, shaking his head as if to get rid of his own images, gripping you tighter, his thumbs pressing into your cheeks, his eyes burning through yours. âNo more, baby. No one else. Not ever.â
Your breath catches, body sways.
There is a burn behind your ribs, not quite pain, but not far from it. It is something that pulses in time with your heartbeat. Too quick. Too uneven.
âOnly you,â he adds, his forehead dropping to yours, noses brushing, his breath warm against your lips, his hands trembling where they hold you. âItâs only ever been you.â
Heat rises up your throat, something between nausea and electricity, a burst of too much all at once.
âI got a lot to make up for.â His tone is unraveling at the seams. But it sounds firmer now. Convicted. âI know that. I know I- fuck, I screwed this up before I even knew I had a chance. And thatâs on me.â
You squeeze your eyes shut, because itâs too much - his voice, his touch, the way he is looking at you like you hung the damn moon when youâve spent years feeling invisible to him in the way that mattered.
âI donât wanna rush this, alright?â
You blink up at him. Your chest feels stretched too tight, as if the ribs themselves are holding onto something they shouldnât, something too large, something too consuming.
âI donât wanna mess this up more than I already have. I donât wanna push or expect anythinâ from you - I just wanna do this right. For you.â His voice wavers on the last word, still scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of losing something he only just realized he had. âYou understand me?â
You nod wordlessly. Almost feeling hypnotized by him. His eyes are so intense. So full.
âIâve been waitinâ for this, hopinâ for this - Christ, I donât even know how long.â
Your stomach flips, something curling in your stomach at the heaviness of his confession, at the realization that you werenât alone in this. Maybe never have been.
âAnd now that itâs happeninâ - now that I have you, even if I donât deserve it - I wanna take my time. I wanna make this good for you. Have to. I have to make this right,â he says, voice filled with something gravelly, rough like something barely holding together.
His fingers slide over your jaw, tracing along the column of your throat, memorizing the feel of you beneath his hands.
âAnd I hate-â his voice falters, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before he forces himself to look at you again. âI hate that itâs happening like this. That I hurt you first. That I didnât see this sooner.â
âBucky-â
He cuts you off with his eyes and a shake of his head.
âPlease I- I gotta do this. Gotta say this, baby.â
You nod.
He closes his eyes again for a moment like he wants to go back and shake his past self by the shoulders, tell him to wake the hell up and stop hurting the one girl he ever cared about.
He continues, voice hoarse. âI would do anything to make this different. Better. The way you deserve.â
Your breath is shallow, not quite catching, but hovering just short of where it should be, as if your body canât decide whether to brace itself for collapse.
Youâve spent so long breaking for him, wanting him in ways he never seemed to want you back. But now he is pouring his heart out and asking for something he already has but isnât sure he is worthy of.
âYou donât gotta say anythinâ right now, doll,â Bucky whispers. Afraid of scaring you off. âI know I shoulda told you sooner.â He grimaces, disgusted with himself. âI shoulda known sooner. I was so fuckinâ stupid. So fuckinâ blind.â
You donât even notice you started leaning further into him.
Bucky stares at you for a moment. You look back.
âI donât deserve you,â he says quietly. Whispers really. He exhales shakily and you feel the breath fan along your cheeks. âBut I swear to God, I will.â
You donât weigh the hurt against the want, donât let the war in your head talk you out of your next move.
Your hands reach up, curling into the fabric of his shirt and before he can say anything else - before he can tear himself apart further - you kiss him.
And for a split second, Bucky freezes.
Not believing this is happening, not expecting it even after everything he just told you.
But then, he exhales this soft and quivering breath against your lips, relief knocking the air out of his lungs.
One hand flies to your waist, pulling you in, the other threading into your hair. He kisses you back like he is starving, like he has been dying for this, like he canât believe you are real and this moment is something heâs imagined a thousand times but never thought heâd get to have.
And he is so warm. So solid. His lips move against yours, soft and slow at first - savoring you, afraid to go too fast, to push too much. But when you let out a little sigh and your fingers tighten, Bucky melts, pressing in closer, enveloping you in his arms in a way that has you feeling he tries to make sure you never go anywhere else again.
He breathes you in like you are something holy, tilting your head and deepening the kiss. He is not forceful. He takes what he can get and he cherishes it. Like he said, he wants to take his time with you. It makes you fall in love with him even more.
Itâs like he canât believe you are even letting him have this. But he kisses you with a hope and a determination that this will not be the only time he gets to have this.
And when you pull back again, he rests his forehead against yours once more. You feel the way his chest rises and falls against your own, the way his breath shakes, the way his grip does not loosen at all.
âJesus, doll,â he rasps, panting. âYou tryna kill me?â
And the way he says it, the way he looks at you, so full of longing and desire and relief makes you realize that maybe heâs been suffering just as much as you have.
âI want you. Itâs as simple as that. Iâve spent a great deal too much of my life already trying to convince myself that I can make do with less but I canât. You hear me? Iâm done. Iâm not giving up. A life without you is not enough.â
In between college and figuring out my life, my mind has been purely fixated on Bucky Barnes or Sam Wilson. Maybe itâs my subconscious trying to cope between assignments? No idea.
Anyway, Iâm twenty-five now, so I made something for myself because I'm selfish like that.(/s) Anyway, this blog has been way overdue for some smut, so here's a blurb.
Important Notes: The reader is referred to as female with she/her pronouns and has a vagina. (Sorry to all my fellow mascs/enbyâs out there.) There is talk of her being younger, but is a consenting adult in her mid 20s, while Bucky is in his 40s.
Summary: Itâs your birthday and Bucky knows exactly what you want from him.
TW/Warnings: Themes of degradation, domination/submission, humiliation, light choking, spanking, heavy dirty talk and explicit language/content.Â
Word Count: Under 600.
The air was thick with heat, the sheets twisted beneath her, soaked with sweat and the evidence of how thoroughly heâd wrecked her.
Bucky caged her in, broad frame looming over her, body flush against her back, his chest slick with sweat as he pressed her down into the mattress. His metal hand gripped the back of her neck, firm, unyielding, keeping her where he wanted her.
âLook at you,â he growled, voice rough with amusement, with hunger, with possession. âFuckinâ wrecked already, and Iâm not even done with you.â
His cock pushed into her again, slow, stretching her cunt all over again like he hadnât already been inside her for what felt like hours. She sobbed into the pillow, legs trembling, body spentâbut he wasnât letting her go anywhere.
âCâmon, sweetheart,â he cooed mockingly, his flesh hand gripping her hip, his hold bruising. âYou wanted this, didnât you? Wanted me to fuck you stupid?â
She whimpered, nodding frantically, but that wasnât enough for him. âUse your words.â He huffed.
âYes,â she gasped, voice wrecked and raw. âWanted itâwanted youââ
Bucky chuckled darkly, snapping his hips forward, tearing air out from her lungs. âThatâs right. You fuckinâ begged for my cock.â
His pace was brutal, punishing, the wet slap of skin on skin filling the room, obscene and unrelenting. He was deepâso deep it was unbearable, so deep she could feel him in her belly, stirring up her guts. His metal fingers trailed down, pressing over the bulge where he stretched her open, making her cry at the sensation.
âFeel that, pretty girl?â he murmured, rolling his hips, grinding against the spot that made her see stars. âSo goddamn full of me.â She couldnât answerâcould only moan, broken and breathless, as he fucked her her raw open. âBet no oneâs ever fucked you like this before,â he said, huffing at the pathetic sound she made.
âBet those little boys youâve been with didnât even know what to do with a needy little thing like you.. This perfect pussyââ
She clenched around him at the humiliation, her body betraying her, and he groaned like an animal, his fingers tightening on her throat.
âFuck. You get even tighter when I talk to you like that,â he rasped. âYou like it, donât you? Like being treated like my dumb little fucktoy?â
She gasped, nodding, tears burning at the edges of her vision. âYeah, you do,â Bucky murmured, lips brushing against her ear as he slammed into her harder. Again and again. âSo desperate to be usedâbroken.â
A sharp slap landed across her ass, the sting making her cry out, making her walls flutter around him. âGonna thank me, birthday girl?â he taunted, voice thick with amusement through ragged pants. âGonna say thank you for giving you exactly what you wanted?â
She was beyond shame, beyond pride, beyond anything except the unbearable need clawing at her insides. âThank you!â she whimpered out, voice cracking on a squeal. Everything was so tight, so warm, even her eyes stung when he used her, fucking into her harder, deeper, until she was nothing but a sobbing, useless, and wrecked mess beneath him.
âHappy birthday, sweetheart,â Bucky huffed, his pace unrelenting. âNow be a good girl and keep taking it.âÂ
