to be clear, i sit up nights translating. all night a week ago, similar last night. physically sick from lack of sleep. who gives a shit though. my friends are increasingly impatient with my physical difficulties. i get up too slowly from a chair when they want to eat, i take too long eating, i complain too much. i don’t really know what to do about that. these are people who are genuinely very kind, compassionate, and thoughtful, and it would probably stress them out (perhaps helpfully?) to have the selflessness/generosity which they semi-secretly consider their best foundational trait called into question. they just forget. or they don’t care, when other things in their lives/the moment (hunger, paper deadlines, sleep) are more pressing. and this has always been so in our relationships. i demand too much of them, i know, i am, should be, no one’s first priority but my own (?). oxygen mask principle, they have to look after themselves first (and those who can’t? am i one of those? sometimes, maybe). but it puts me in a strange position: there’s too much of me to be broadcast uncensored, too much to ask for support, i complain too much about the same things over and over, themes and collapsing variations, not so much broken record as fucked-up cassette tape, nobody wants to hear that sad eldritch shit, it’s harmful to other people to play it. but if i don’t complain, they forget that i also have to look after myself, if i don’t ask for support which no one wants to and maybe no one can give anyway (imagine pasternak in 58 calling lilya yurievna up on the public pay phone, quietly greeting, then a feral keening) exactly the right way, i am at fault for whatever happens to me... i’m at fault anyway! it’s My Fault, glory to god (славьте меня! я великим не чета), my body my mind my will be done. i should, what, self-advocate more aggressively and in more and more sanitized, meaningless, preposterous, humiliating language, pretending surprise has no communication value? i don’t care much for this idea. damned if i do, damned if i don’t. might as well give myself a show. а как же массы? seriously, how can i help? write? and in the mean time? the rest of it?
i really am going to lose weight over the break, i suspect. i want to. in a way i am doing a lot of this to myself. which really is stupid. how am i supposed to think, starving, unslept. then again i like the edge. perhaps related, i’ve stopped seeing the counselor at the campus mental health center because i’m tired of feeling like an entertainment item. she never even learned my name properly. i don’t get more benefit out of our sessions than i do out of writing here, i think. talking to other professors, on the other hand...
snowghoul
dededos
dailybridgerton
discoholicmusic
turnnoffyourmind