Sharing poems and feelings

A safe space for everyone Submit asks for advice No TERFS, LGBT-phobes, racism, or anything along those lines Mods -Edlen -Eliot -Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

Numb

Numb

Numb

Like sleeping on a bed of nails

Don't move

You'll sink down

Tired

Tired

My eyes won't close

Even if I try

Full

Of empty lies

Said to myself

And sorrows drowned with flavor

Numb

Numb

Numb

Like lungs full of water

No more air

No more breath

And as the earth moves slowly

Under feet never feeling it

My heart still beats

A rhythm nobody set

A song nobody sung

A life nobody wanted to live

A mask

Hid behind

You've had a good few weeks

And it's still like that right?

Wrong.

Nobody can know

Nobody can find out because that's what the inside of you screams

I just want to feel something again

But not like this

This isn't how it's supposed to be

This was never how it was supposed to be

Static

Static

Static

He loves you

Make it stop

Make it stop

Stop

Stop

[thesafespace-blog1]

Summer

Summer, summer

I remember her

Her bright blond hair

Soft to look at

The way she flaunted her little legs in shorts too short

She wasn't my neighbor

She was my grandpa's

Summer, summer

I was staying at my grandpa's house for one summer

She

She was my best friend

The one I sat with

The one that caught mosquito's with me

We would sit on the trampoline for hours

Singing songs and bouncing until we had to go inside

We would pretend to be pirates

The treehouse was our ship

We weren't Sailing on sea

We were flying through the air

That is, until her brother came

A tornado that tore us from thin air

I call him winter

He was cold

Colder than my fingers when he grabbed them

Colder than my nose when he kissed it

Colder than the basement we were hiding in

He made a fort

He told me to get in

He told me it was a game

The first one Id play

He sat in front of the door

And winter told me to kiss him

I didn't want to, of course

But he made me

I've never been forced to use my tongue like that before but

On that day

In that basement

In that little fort

I did

He told me it wasn't enough

He told me to rub his parts

You'd think a child that young couldn't get hard but

On that day

In that basement

In that little fort

He did

He said he loved me

I couldn't

I cant

To this day

I cant

I can't say it back

To anyone

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

[thesafespace-blog1]

There's a hole in my sock

A hole

Just a hole

Why a hole

A void of toes and craft sticks

Splintering into my flesh

Wood chips in my brain

Cold as ice

Slicing through my veins just as I wish to do to myself

Pounding into my ears

A spring breeze

The winds of fake happiness

It grows flowers for a while

But inevitably wilting and freezing the bright pedals

That fall down like the blood falls from a body

Like that blue and white comforter you hurt me on that falls when you move too fast

Just like you did that day

And the week after

The sheets you made me put back on never stayed

They never held on to the corners of the mattress like they were supposed to

But I held on

I held on to the lie that it was all

a game

That's what you said

It was never a game

I never wanted to play

Everytime I think I see your face I can't bear it

I don't even realize that blood is stuck under my fingernails

I don't realize that I've given myself a new excuse

Given to my parents

I say I fell

I didn't really

But I did

I fell into your trap

Your trap of lies and games

I was only a child

You hurt me

But I still wish the best for you

And I don't know why

But I hope you're okay

And I'm sorry

I'm sorry

~Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

I wish I could could could could talk n n normally

But but I can can't

You see, I I s stutter at t t times

B but I also mess up my wrods

I I can't say conscience

M my mou mouth won't l let me

B but I also heva ti tics

Sonetimes I I say weirdd t things wh when I I *haha* t talk

S so some t times *woo* I I r e repeat things

Juuuust like *haha* wwhhhn I t ttell ssstrorys I say the the s*haha*ame thing aginw

S sonetines I I re repeat things

Longg St t story shshort *noodles* I I I wwish so speaking wwas't aas *haha* hArd aaaass it is

P peepl haave a *woo* hard tine uderstanding m me

I I wwish I w wasn't llike ththis

I I'm ss*haha*sorry t to mmy friirnds whho lllisne to to thiis *woo* evvvry da day

~Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

It

It is what I'm called

By my own mother

Because to be cis

Is what gets you love in this house

It is what I call spilling red

When I have no other ways

To convey the amount I hate myself

Because words are hard

When you let something fall out of your mouth

That may start an avalanche of destruction

Snow falling from every taste bud

But it's not hydrating enough

It is what he did to me

I am reminded with every camera

Every blond, grown out buzz cut

Every pair of worn out tennis shoes

It is what she did to me

A flood of blue and white chevron comforters

A flood of craft sticks

A flood of plastic doctors toys that were never used for the correct purpose

It is a new way to see crimson droplets

The ones I crave to see

The ones that are inherently bad

The ones that could land me in a coffin if I accidentally make too many

It was the way I was told to suck it in

Because that dress cost money

And I had to fit it

Because if it wasn't my size I'd have to eat less snacks until it fit

Because I was the thin one

The small one

And I can't grow out of it

Because little girls are always the skinny minnies

It is the way he looks at me

Across the very room it happened in

Because he doesn't remember

Because he doesn't care who he hurts

It doesn't matter

It isn't seen as a big deal

To him

To her

To all of them

Because they don't notice

Or at least they won't

Not until I'm a piece of paper saying goodbye

~Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

He stands in the middle of a target between the men’s and women’s deodorant

There’s a man on the left trying to get by him

And a target employee on the right at her desk pretending to be uninterested

On the left is the men’s

On the right women’s

And while on any other day he would have delighted in informing everyone and anyone about social constructs

Today was.... different

He was away from home

With a group of teammates he barely knows

Standing in the middle of a target by himself

With a van outside filled with everyone else

On the right he smells safety

A comfort in knowing he doesn’t have to explain anything

The pursed lips and tight expressions could wait for another day

But on the left.....

On the left he smells freedom

In knowing he can be himself

Without permission of anyone else

He can get dirty

And wear nothing but boxers to sleep

And burp loudly

And be the person he always wanted to be

The man on his left got tired and grabbed a simple stick of deodorant before glaring and walking away

The target employee smiles almost pityingly

He turns his attention back before him

Such a stupid small thing

Such a stupid small decision

But he can’t really help how much this means to him

He takes a deep breath in

Looks right

Looks left

Grabs a simple stick of men’s deodorant

And walks swiftly away

As he pays he’s smiling

He puff out his chest

He walks out of the target with a strut all the way to his van

He puts on some of his deodorant

And one of the girls say

“My cousin does that. She’s so cool”

They look at him

“She’s so cool. “

He blinks once

Un-puffs his chest

And Regretted the strut

As his smile fades

And reality hits him

No one else sees

Who he sees

No one else hears

Who he hears

No one else knows

All the fears that plague his mind

It’s not their fault

He knows

And he has such a long way to go

But it hurts

That to them

He’s just a silly girl

With a stick of men’s deodorant

-

Eliot

[thesafespace-blog1]

I know most people don’t brood like this.

I also know most people don’t cry like this.

I know people don’t write this much sad poetry

And feel more or less comfortable in their own skin.

I know people don’t hide in their rooms

After being looked at the wrong way

I know people don’t wonder how it would have been

If they were born right

If they were born normal

If they weren’t born at all

I know people don’t get mad at their parents

For thinking that I was a good idea

I know most people don’t hate an entire gender

Just for being seen with them

I know my friends worry

When I tell them I’m sorry

I know I’m not supposed

To be me.

-

Eliot

[thesafespace-blog1]

Paint pictures of me

Not of my face

Or my curves

Or my hair

Paint pictures of me

How I see me

Because the mirror won’t show me

Myself

It shows me someone else

And that scares me

-

There’s a girl

I see her in picture frames

When I walk by

And she looks as confused as I do

When I wave my hand

She does too

When I speak

Her mouth moves with mine

If I saw her on the street

I would think

That she was pretty

But I would wonder

Why she looks so sad

-

Eliot

[thesafespace-blog1]

I don't do these things for nothing

I stay up at night because I want to be one with the stars

I stare at walls because the paint is more alive than I am

I listen to music because I'm not sure if what I'm hearing is real anymore

I cover myself in red because my skin is too dull of a color

I stop conversations because my vocal chords need to scream instead of talk

I stop moving because my body can't when my mind is going to fast

I don't rush to the future because the past is still following me

I don't look because hearing is hard enough

~Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

To you

To all my friends

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I complain so often

I'm sorry I blank out

I'm sorry I can't give you the support you need

I'm sorry I suck up all the positivity from the air

I'm sorry I can't have a day without bothering you with my issues

I'm sorry I can't help you as much as you need, I'm still figuring out how to help myself

.

To him

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I can't love you the way you love me

I'm sorry I can't hold your hand without thinking of what happened to me

I'm sorry I can't talk all the time

I'm sorry you can't give me hugs whenever

I'm sorry I'm not able to help all of the time

I'm sorry I'm making you watch me go through this, I know it hurts

.

To my parents

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm not who I was told I was

I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be

I'm sorry I can't keep up with your standards

I'm sorry I can't keep up with all my work

I'm sorry I'm not the one child who is okay

I'm sorry I waste so much of your energy with who I am

.

To me

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I let you destruct yourself

I'm sorry I can't get rid of the big hips or the big legs

I'm sorry I think about it all too much

I'm sorry I'm keeping you here

I'm sorry I can't be less of a fuck up

I'm sorry I don't have energy

I'm sorry I can't be who I want to be

I'm sorry I'm so annoying

I'm sorry I can't take care of you

I'm sorry I hate you so much

I'm sorry I want you gone

I'm so sorry

~ Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

Just about a year ago

I was sexually assaulted

It doesn’t feel right to call it that

Because it didn’t seem that bad

It wasn’t that bad

Was it?

I don’t believe it was sexual assault

But that’s what I’ve been told it is

I even made sure what happened fit into that category

Because it didn’t seem that bad

In fact it still doesn’t

But to this day I can sometimes still feel his hand where it should never have been

Making me disgusted in myself for letting it happen

But it wasn’t that bad

All these memories of what it was like keep coming back

A year later

It’s hard to bear the thought that I’m in the same room almost daily

And it makes me nauseous

But it wasn’t that bad

Every time I see him I get the urge to vomit

I can’t turn my back on him

I need to know where he is in relation to me at all times

Because it might happen again

But it wasn’t that bad

And I’m sorry to everyone who’s sick of hearing of it

But in my head it’s not going away

But it’s not that bad

It was never that bad

Its just me making it worse than it actually is

Right?

[thesafespace-blog1]

Fear

The fear of fearing loss can cause a loss of you

It tears you apart piece by piece

You see them hanging out

Pictures on social media

They’re laughing together

It looks so pleasant

But you’re not there

What have you missed

They’re going to like each other more than they ever liked you

And they’ll meet again and again

Without you

You know that because that’s what’s happened every other time

You’re gone and they turn away

They reflect on you

They realize how awful you are

They realize that they never truly liked you

Because you’ve tried to hide you

Because they’ll realize who you are

And leave you for it

That’s what’s happened every other time

Why wouldn’t it happen again?

They’ll leave you and find a new person

Because they’ve realized how awful you are

How disgusting you are

How useless you are

You know that this is all inevitable

You’ll be all alone again

The tears rolling down your face as your only company

Until you find someone that you can latch onto for a while

For them to just leave you alone again

Because you’re not worth it

Because you left for a few days and they’ve found someone better

Just like everyone else has in the past

You see more pictures of them again

Selfies together with funny faces

Once again posted to social media

For you to see

And to cry over

Because that’s the beginning

Of the end

Of your time with them

Because you know they’ll leave you

Just as everyone else has

~Eden

[thesafespace-blog1]

I’m not a girl

But what if I am?

How do I know?

I cannot say I am not

Expect I’m pretty sure I’m not

I just have this small thought

Yelling at me

From the back of my skull

Telling me

That I am faking

That I am pretending

That

I

Am

A

Girl.

Sometimes, and this is the scary part

I don’t flinch when called she

I don’t react.

Sometimes my mind says

“You are a girl “

And I don’t argue back.

But I don’t like it

Not at all

I don’t really

Feel like a girl

.

Or do I?

I’m proud of women

But I can’t tell if I’m proud of me

And I get so happy

When someone calls me “he”

Then my brain

Says I am of women kin

And I don’t say no.

I’m pretty sure I’m not a man

But sometimes I’m convinced that I am

Is this one of those times?

I’m normally in between

Always there

But never seen.

What if I’m a girl?

I can’t be

Because I feel so toxic

Being seen as one

Being treated as one

Being born as one

When I am not one of them?

Send help

I’m doing

The

Best

I

Can.

-Eliot

[thesafespace-blog1]

What if

Plucking at guitar strings

Worries fly away with sound waves

My lips curl as I sing each word

Writing words to be read my me

No one else will read

Picking out details to change

As I wish to do with myself

More creative material

Emerges from the depths of my brain

Not because I feel great

But because I feel wrong

Gone

Not here

Fake

Like everyone I know is a decoy

In a dream

Fading

It's all deceptive

Even though I know

It's not

I can't see another way

Just mine

As I slip into the day's clothing

I can't help but think

What if these clothes aren't mine

What if this room isn't mine

What if my family isn't mine

What if my friends aren't mine

What if this body isn't mine

What if this all isn't mine

What if it's not me that's meant to be here

What if

[thesafespace-blog1]

A formal apology

.

Dear Mom,

I am sorry

For not being

Your perfect child

.

Dear Dad,

I’m sorry

For being someone

You don’t believe in

.

Dear sister,

I’m sorry

For lying, panicking

And pretending

.

Dear brother,

I’m sorry

For not teaching

You everything

.

Dear friends

I’m sorry

For trying to gain

All your attention

.

Dear Love

I’m sorry

For not telling you

About me

.

I am sorry

For being me

.

Dear school

I’m sorry

For not fitting in

Your perfect cut outs

.

Dear waiter

I’m sorry

For flinching

When you ask me what I want

.

Dear teammates

I’m sorry

For being such

A bad one

.

Dear people walking by

I’m sorry

For crossing the street

When you look at me

.

Dear reflection

I’m sorry

I despise you

So much

.

Dear deadname

I’m sorry

I never really

Liked you

.

Dear me

I’m sorry

You’re stuck

With me

.

Dear you

I am sorry

For what?

I’m not sure yet.

-Eliot

[thesafespace-blog1]

I don't

I don't always look my best

Because when I look in the mirror

I see galaxies

Sparking in ways we can't imagine

I don't always hear you

Because when I put in my headphones

I hear oceans

Organisms more complex than we know

I don't always see what you do

Because when I put on my glasses

I see stars

Dotting the skies all around

Because when I close my eyes

I see thoughts

Conjured up by my own self

Indescribable by even yours truly

They become leaves

Insignificant

Floating away

Dried and dead

Crushed

By reality

And those

Who truly

Care

[thesafespace-blog1]

Nimble fingers pick up sour fruit

Bittersweet taste saved for later

Long limbs bending in a black suit

Fasten your tie for Today kid

It's only a day

I know you don't feel comfortable

But suck it up as much as you can

Because in the morning it's done

No one will remember you kid

Last week was your time

Close your little eyes

Rest your tiny limbs

You're all they can think about

But there's no need to Worry kid

You're just a rotation in the cast

The cast of life

Bones popping out of their sockets

Please return before I fall down

Shaking legs don't help this at all

I'm looking at your lifeless face

I can't anymore

As I stare into the coffin

I can only think of one thing

Those pictures of me in the past

I think I recognise that nose

As I feel my own

Close your little eyes

Rest your tiny limbs

You're all they can think about

But there's no need to Worry kid

You're just a rotation in the cast

The cast of life

I realize no one else sees me

As I stand above a limp corpse

But wait, isn't that me?

~Eden