Never Neverland

Such is life, yada yada yada... Click away, friends.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

I feel weirdly connected to this tumblr.

It's actually kind of hurting me to log off and make a new one right now. I've had this for years. I feel very funny about it.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

Hey Charles

So I know you still resent me. But I never feel as connected with anyone as I do with you. And regardless of what happens, and what you thought about seeing me tonight, I was really, really happy to see you. Don't know if you'll check this before I see you, but I hope the rest of your night is good and that you had fun :)

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

It's been less than 24 hours and I already feel so bad about saying everything I did, and I may delete it.

But then I feel like I'm shaming myself for my feelings, even if they were temporary, and I don't know what I think about that.

Tumblr really is not this complicated.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

In case it wasn't obvious, despite all of my rants, I still love you more than anything.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

[theseauponwhichifloat]

If you were just a total ass it wouldn't be this hard.

But it’s that you’re a jerk to me and not to everyone else that really makes it such a difficult issue.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

I hurt you so badly, and I'm sorry. I will always feel guilty and regretful for that because a lot of what happened was entirely on my shoulders. But screw you for all of the moments you made me feel lesser than you or undeserving or crazy or unkind.

I hurt you but I’ve never hated you, and have never said I did. I led you on without meaning to and I broke your heart and I feel awful everytime I think about it. But you broke all of me. It was emotional whiplash and it’s still happening every day, when I think about you or us or your opinion of me or what you might say or think about me. And I just get so angry and sad and frustrated. It’s never stopped and I don’t know how to stop caring. I’m happy and doing wonderful things with wonderful people in a wonderful place. And yet you’re still there, in my head, for everything. I don’t know how I got myself so caught up in something that crushes me so wholeheartedly. And I don’t know why I still think I want more of it.

[theseauponwhichifloat]

I feel like I should retitle this blog to 'The Things I Want to Say But Never Do.'

I’d say them to you if I saw you in person. Or even Skype. But not text. And especially not when you don’t want to talk to me at all in the first place. I've never gotten so wrapped up in one person or one thing before, and I feel like that's saying a lot.