The Self Doubt Diaries

The ongoing chronicles of two artists living with self doubt.

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

17 September 2025

Dear Fran,

Sorry it took me a year or so to respond. I'm glad we've agreed to give this another go though.

Anyway, I was feeling uninspired the other day and decided to trawl Colossal, a website/blog of artworks that I've been following on and off since I was in my undergrad.

Here is the list of artworks and artist I found interesting and/or exciting (in no particular order):

Rui Sasaki, 'Subtle Intimacy', 2021-2023

Perkins School of the Blind Archive

Eirik Falckner, 'Kioskun'

Yu Maeda

Johnny Baek, 'Olive', 2024

Clementine Keith Roach

Era Jospin

Dominique Fung, ' Bone Holding Fan', 2021

Christopher Herwig

Agnes Pelton, 'Fountains', 1926

Mariusz Lewandowski, 'Soul Hunter', 2015

Simon Zhu, 'The Apparition', 2023

Jessica Hundley, 'Spirit Worlds'

Xanthe Somers

Alicja Kwade, 'Telos Tales', 2025

Yael Martinez, 'El Homebre y la montãna', 2020

Kew Gardens & Marshmellow Laser Feast, ' Of the Oak', 2025

Eli McMullen

Varja Sãnchez

Danbin Ahn, ' Constrellation (Little Dipper)', 2024

Alexis Trice, 'The Sun Gets in Your Eyes'

Fabian Knecht, ' Fictional Nature', 2024

Max Hooper Schneider

Valerie Hammond, 'Deer with Feathers' and 'Alexandra', 2022

Claude& Francois-Xavier Lalanne, ' zoophites'

Jean Mallard, 'Lost Oasis'

Nataliya Vladychenko, 'Vigna radiata', 2020

Lissy Robinson-Cole & Rudi Robinson, 'Wharrenui Harikoa (House of Joy)', 2023

Keita Marimoto

Benardino de Sahagún, 'La Historia General de las Cosas de Nueva España', 1577

Remedios Varos

Bill Mayer, 'Black Goldfish at the Cliffs', 'Afternoon Tea' and 'The Bird-Woman'

Miguel Arzabe, 'Puma Roja'

Graham Francois, 'Humble Seed to Lost Leaf'

David Zinn

Juliet Schrekinger

Aryz, 'La Muerte de Color', 2020

Quint Buchholz

Nancy Liang

I should note that some of these people, I only liked one of two works, some I think a specific work of theirs stood out and nothing else, some I like their whole practice, some I thought just had interesting practices but I didn't particularly love one specific work, and some I loved everything they had done.

Anyway that list is taken from the first 102 pages of posts about art on Colossal. My brain got too tired after that to keep looking at the screen.

Chat soon xxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

22 August

Oh my God….where has time gone!? This year since our exhibition has been so patchy and yet so much has happened….time has just flown by….or is it slipping? Feels quite slippery – maybe that is a better word.

Anyway, I have neglected this task for far too long. And my writing in general – although I have been keeping up my Morning Pages (as per The Artist’s Way) and maybe that’s why the rest has dropped away. No matter. Here I am ..

I feel that I’ve been in a fallow period since the end of our show at BelcoArts. And it was intentional. When I look back at the last post I sent you the exhibition hadn’t even finished….So yeah, after recouperating from the install and de-install etc etc… I sat down to plan/map out my year and I saw with dismay that I didn’t have a lot on my plate in terms of my art practise (until the late part of the year….) I sat with that for a bit and then I realised that it was a gift! And I wrote it INTO my forward plan for the year. And I also realised that my ‘year’ didn’t have to begin in January and end in December!! I could make this forward 12 – 18 month plan start and end wherever the hell I wanted ! Amazing……

And so I inserted: “FALLOW time March – September” and I entered dates and deadlines of art prizes etc etc that I wanted to apply for – printed it out and stuck it up in the studio. And I got on with things. Around the garden (a period of intense activity) hanging out with visitors – those nieces from Belgium – comings and goings – Stuff for my Dad (at his place ) etc – and of course, I was still teaching. I got back into my drawing practise. And eventually, my brain started to feel clearer and rested and I was starting to see things again – feel a sense of expansiveness and creativity emerging. I had also joined in an online group following the Artist’s Way and so I was reading, writing, going for Artist Dates and generally feeding and nourishing my creativity. It felt GOOD. And it wasn’t nothing. It was definitely replenishment and refuelling after feeling completely depleted.

By July I felt ready to join in with an online creative journalling challenge with Craft & Design Canberra. It was a lovely way to do a small daily creative exercise with the discipline of posting it daily on Insta. It really helped me reconnect with a playful part of my brain – a place where experimentation and innovation happens precisely because there is NO outcome attached.

And so now here we are – AUGUST – my goodness and my fallow time feels that it has ended early (ish). And I’m easing my way out of dormancy (much like the garden in Spring) Because of the space and openness I felt – good things started to come my way. Opportunities come and go – but at times we are just not ready to receive them. Because I was rested, I said ‘yes’ to a couple of things. Took a risk – made an investment in myself – I’m still working on a couple of things. A proposal is in negotiation with the people at the NGA Shop for an upcoming commission that I think could be fun and interesting without too much stress. And I’m participating in a physical and online exhibition with a gallery in Berlin – learning a bit more about shipping along the way! 😉

And I almost forgot : I’ve sent 3 pieces down to Castlemaine, VIC to be part of an end of year show at ArtPuff (where I exhibited 2 years ago – or so).

And most excitingly: I was selected as a finalist for the Nth Qld Ceramic Award with the piece I had made for STILL last year (where it wasn’t selected! - go figure). Just goes to show I guess that we just need to keep plodding along. And plugging away at things. Bit by bit it all adds up.

And now, it seems that my forward plan needs amending with all those things! So today’s task will be that. Sorry – what a rave, but it’s helped me to get my head clear. Oh and did I mention how much I love that drawing class!? Something has clicked recently and I feel like I’ve improved and it’s just so enjoyable. 😊

That is all. Much love and I’m so glad that things are going well for you in Darwin. It’s wonderful – looking forward to the excuse to visit you up there!

PS - here is one of the works that has gone to Berlin. An oldie but a goldie. It's still one of my favourites so they chose well.

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

18th June 2024,

Dear Fran,

ergh sorry. I really fell off the bandwagon this time. Not in a bad way I don't think. A lot has happened hey? We installed and opened a show, i packed up and moved to Darwin and started a new job, met. a boy just before I left and he followed me here. Now I've already deinstalled one exhibition and installed another! All in the span of a couple of months.

So I'm sorry it's been a while since I wrote but I didnt feel the need or pull to until this morning. Life has been to busy adjusting to feel like I've had the time to be properly reflective. I did try to go to a cafe this morning and write, but I had forgotten the password to log in and well, it just wasnt to be.

What else? I went to a friends performance art experiment on Friday night. After a 1 week residency with 2 other artist from Brisbane they put on a 40 min absurdist piece. It was quite good. We had a few chats after about the differences between visual and performing residencies. They have such short timelines and sound quite intense. What else? I know how to make focaccia now? So that's a thing. I've run out of flower now though...

I didn't really have much else specific to say, except that i feel oddly at peace at the moment. I still dont have a studio but it doesnt bother me hugely because, im not feeling to urge to make because im being creative and learning so much at work at the moment. Like building up my graphic design skills or getting to do more curatorial work...its still creative, but in other ways. I know we've talked about it but it just feels nice to notice that a bit and be present with it.

I'm excited to contemplate putting together a touring pack for us and our exhibition now. It's a bit of work but at least I have an idea of what to do now, the standard I would want etc.

Anyway, the above images are of the gallery install of Violet Bond's solo show. I love her and her work so much. She's such a cracker. They're not printed on photo paper, but proper cotton rag art paper which has made the blacks super matt and deep and intense. They're so emotive and dramatic in person.

The second one is titled "The Lovely Bones no.5" and is right near my desk at work, when I sit downstairs at reception.

That's all. I think being here is helping repair certain aspects of my relationship with nature. Relationships to fire in the landscape are so different here.

xxxx Zoë

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

26 March

Dear Zoe, Oh dear, I don’t know where I’ve been? MIA for sure – but maybe more like the Twilight Zone or that weird in-between space in a Twin Peaks episode…?! You may not know it….but we’ve been watching the last series recently and so it’s in my mind….so weird….

I have felt weird too – since our exhibition bump-in (which was such a long build-up wasn’t it? ) I simply collapsed into a heap as you know. And whilst I recovered quickly enough the follow on just felt like jumping back onto a moving treadmill and having to run to stay upright…..No time to think – just keep running…..exhausting. And depleting. ...Have definitely felt pretty flat over the past month and a half...just so much going on with the homefront, lack of personal space and lack of time to really process the aftermath of putting our work out there. It filled me again with #selfdoubt

It's challenging and different work. Some people seem to get it and many don’t – yet I find myself strangely ok with this? I said to a friend the other day who said she liked the work but didn’t get it….that this was ok...at least she had a reaction ? IS this ok? I don’t know….what is artwork for anyway.? Do we have to /should we spell things out for people? Isn’t it good to allow folks to see what they see and then have a conversation about it? Just so many questions... maybe this would be a good conversation to have once the dust has settled on your move to Darwin – and we settle back into some level of normality here too (if that ever happens!)

Today, as I made space for the first time all year – to attend my drawing class this morning – I realised that other things will always get in the way of my practise. And that sometimes I will simply have to put my own needs first and make time to do my work. I certainly know I don’t feel right when it doesn’t happen. So for now – this is enough. Having not had any desire to connect with my art practise in any way for many weeks now. This feels good. Writing and thinking , a bit of reading and the drawing….these things are starting to fill up my empty tank and it feels good.

Well that’s a bit of a ramble – and it reflects my jumbled thoughts and the chaos of our lives here at the moment! But here’s some great pics of our installation from the opening night @belcoarts….(thanks Andrew @artatelier)

...let’s remember how we felt at that moment – cos right then it felt good too. Like we’d pulled off the thing. We’d pushed and extended ourselves and we were happy with the result...phew...maybe it’s ok to rest for a bit after that? 😉

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

11th Feb 2024

Dear Fran,

i know we only talked a few hours ago but i finally read your last post (sorry) and omg its been tumultuous since we ended the call. My friend with the shit boyfriend is pregnant an freaking out. Understandably so. I do not denote the status of "shit boyfriend" lightly, no matter how skeptical i am of man kind. ARGHHHHHH why am i always the one that so many people are like "you're the only one i can talk to about this" WTFFF

Ohk. But because I've been thinking about vacating the bondi studio, this exhibition and applying for stuff to keep my mind on track from panic, I've been re looking at the photos Mel did for us last year. I like this one. I make cool work. Gah. There I said it. I LIKE MY WORK. Why was that so hard?

Anyway, I've resorted to a glass of wine in light of this afternoon's developments. I'm also trying to not let my fantasies and daydreams about this new guy get out of control. Is it bad I want to follow him back to Italy after 1 date? Probably.....

I'm feeling mostly good about the install now. The chats this afternoon helped, and I think it'll be good to get away from everything in Sydney for a couple of days and just focus on putting an exhibition up. Practical problem solving and doing active things and not just thinking about them. I feel like this post is turning into one of those conversations we wrote down right in the beginning of this project. Can you believe its been 4 years of working on this idea?

First the brainstorm and applications, then the digital residency in lockdown. Then it was this blog and now the exhibition. I think we should figure out a mini tour for it actually....

Food for thought and all that. Speaking of food, gnocchi is the best food in my world. Potatoes and pasta all in one. So yum.

See you on tuesday xxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

3rd Feb

Dear Zoe – I’m waaaay late with my blog post I know! Sorry!! But you know exactly where I’ve been lately – we’ve been hanging out together in the studio so much over Xmas and New Year. Prepping and planning and working and making etc etc etc……..I’m kind of amazed actually at how much we’ve done and where the work has taken us….I had no idea that this exhibition would turn into what it has become! I suppose that’s the essence of trusting in the process and following the lead of the materials and work itself.

Anyway, I spurred myself into action by mentioning our blog on my last Instagram post!

😂

So - here’s the latest of my experiments. I’ve picked up those collages again Realised that I wasn’t quite finished with them after all (I feel like they could go on forever actually)! I think they are improved somewhat. What do you think?

Well, it’s been a fun process anyway and I’ve really enjoyed that. No idea where it’s going or what’s to become of them – but that doesn’t matter does it? Just keep going. And it’s interesting that the process of making those has mirrored my ceramics process in that I take apart and re-purpose those components adding in found objects in a similar way that I’ve done here with my drawings and lumen prints and found papers etc. So interesting to see that…..

I must admit I’ve been experiencing lots of ups and downs as our exhibition date creeps closer. And definitely doubt...yep ….it sneaks back in when I’m not looking. In between trusting the work and following my instincts (which has been fun I might add)….When my brain steps in the doubt comes back….Acknowledging it helps I guess…. deep breaths now as we enter the final week or so before our install…..Just keep going…..

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

9th Jan 2024

Dear Fran,

this isn't a new image by any means, its actually from 2017 in Kobenhavn. But it encompasses my mood a lot at the moment. Not necessarily grumpy but just tired. I feel like I have this spurts of hyper productivity and then suddenly I am flat again. I've been to barrio this morning, and then had breakfast and unpacked the dishwasher and then made a pile of new components out of the midfire porcelain clay to see how they go. I hope they don't shrink too much. Eeek. AND i've done my emails (which I'd been putting off for days because I'm always nervous to open them) but now I feel like I could nap again even though I stayed in bed until after 8:30 this morning. BLAHHHHH. I feel like I sound like a goat in my head when i type that..

What else? I keep thinking I need to read Louise Bourgeois and maybe some more philosophy and art theory. I worry that my work is becoming too much the same and boring and not conscious of discourse or not critically informed enough. I dont know. I had fun reducing 6m of fabric to about 1.5m squared of plastic last week though. I also painted my offering bowl in the same way I've been painting with the clay slip. Except I used the porcelain slip. God that's such a banal sentence. EVERYTHING FEELS BLAH TODAY. Maybe its the constant gloom of rain. I think im also over being in cbr a bit. I want to be back in my own apartment and going snorkelling now.

I think I'm going to have to call those plastics places because I don't want to leave it to the last minute to get it sorted. I wonder if they can do the drilling of the holes for us too.....probably honestly. Also ,because i'm doubting everything apparently, I'm wondering if doing the rubble installation is too easy? Like is it the easy way out because I cant think of anything better to do? I get the logistics and practical aspects put certain restraints on what you can and cannot do in a space BUT....it is just a pile of stuff on the floor. Is that ohk?

I don't know. I think just having to acknowledge that after everything that happened in December in the Sydney art scene plus the ongoing violence and war around the world is just compounding everything and making me feel very disenfranchised with the art world and society in general. I think I say "I don't know" a lot, especially at the beginning of sentences even if I do, in fact, know what I think or want to say.

Fuck im looking forward to therapy later this week. Ergh.

Until then Athena and I will continue to just be exhausted and skeptical of the world. xxxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

Dear Zoe, I think my blog post is overdue? Anyway, here I am now getting my act together after feeling quite scatty for a couple of weeks. Life gets in the way doesn’t it? That’s why people go on residencies of course! This has been literally hitting me in the face these past weeks as I go back to just juggling everyday life, teaching , trying to keep on top of things around the house and garden and dealing with family emotions and issues…..Where does the studio fit into all this? That’s just it – It always seems to come last – well today finally I have /am prioritising my studio practise!! (well to be honest I have done a few other domestic things too – but I have the kiln going and I am sitting down to attend to a list of things which – whilst they are computer things – also need to happen!)

One of the things I’ve been meaning and wanting to do since getting home from Europe – is to process the lumen prints I did whilst on residency. I rediscovered this process whilst I was at CRETA and it’s so much fun – a little bit addictive! I have finally scanned a bunch of lumens and edited them- just playing around with colours mainly and saturation - here's a few. Fun!

Maybe these will become new works? Who knows? The point is to keep playing and experimenting right? Also revisiting my notes to see what other methods there are for fixing the images as I remember there are other experimental options so I'm gonna try this out too now that they've been documented - the originals can change into something else - I don't mind....

In the background I have been angsting a bit about our upcoming show at Belconnen in February…..I guess it’s precisely because we are working and making in unknown territory that it’s a little bit daunting! Still visiting your studio in Sydney last week was good and I feel that we made headway. The road ahead is still a bit foggy but I can sort of make out where we are going (how’s that for a metaphor!)

Anyway, I am so glad that you will be in Canberra over Xmas and that we can put in some quality collab time in the studio working and making and just putting this show together! It will be an intense couple of weeks but I think it will be good.

So once again: trust the process.

PS that quote from Louise Bourgeois that you mentioned about architecture and memories – I knew I’d read it before – I came across a photo from an exhibition I visited the Gallery of NSW earlier this year - it was all about the idea of home – and I really liked it. There were quotes and poems displayed with the works – one of them was that exact same quote. It resonated with me too….and I just love the idea of memories building up in layers like bricks….creating architecture….reminds me of another book called “The Memory Palace” which I need to revisit.

It’s amazing how in-sync we are with our practices…...

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

28th November 2023

Dear Fran,

ergh i know, it's been ages. So I was maybe (definitely) avoiding writing because I was feeling dissatisfied and a bit stuck in the studio. Also it's been busy? I moved house, did a quick trip to CBR, have been making work for a Gaza relief fundraiser, normal teaching AND trying to be in the studio plus gym and life and all the rest. Anyway, I've got a tub of porcelain casting slip now and som tests out of the kiln and now I feel better about life.

It's been gloomy a lot here in Sydney recently. Lots of overcast days and humidity and rough seas. Also lots of pufferfish washing up on Bondi Beach. It was only three, all in one day last week but we almost never get fish on the beach so it was weird. Usually its just seaweed, trash, bits of wood, mangrove seedlings and leaves. Maybe there was a storm out at sea...regardless, when I was walking the beach today I found this beautiful clump of moss washed up on the sand. It had so many different kinds of lichen and moss all mixed together and the little fronds were so pretty, and the colours so bold against the sand and grey skies I had to photograph it. And then process it and turn it into this! Dunno what it is but I alway enjoy making new images out of my photos. Not the best quality though...I wonder how i can improve that?

In other news I'm reading a really good book called In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado. It's really interestingly written, each chapter is written from a different literary lens. But it opens with several interesting quotes and concepts. One from Louise Bourgeois I thought you might like, and seems very apt considering the amount of rubble in the world at the moment, and our recent discussions of ruins, rubble and architecture. "You pile up associations the way you pile up bricks. Memory itself is a form of architecture." and this quote is beautiful to me. I like the parallels its draws between the architecture of the mind, the places and spaces we create there, and the physical memories buildings can hold in the real world. And all the things in between. This quote honestly makes me want to read art theory and critiques more.

Outside of this book, I bought 2 more to read after. I think my eyes have been hankering for something other than a screen and my brain feels not as full as it could. I'm looking forward to having you visit the studio again here in Bondi.

Take care. xxxxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

What to say Dear Zoe? We’ve arrived back home now from our travels too. Feeling pretty chilled out and relaxed also – a bit like you described. Trying not to allow the feeling of overwhelm which goes along with everyday life creep back in. Robert and I are both so relaxed at the moment. We are just starting a list of household things and I will get back into my studio soon. (actually I popped in there the other day and I got so distracted looking at things and playing with my arrangements…..It’s so interesting to be away and to come back with fresh eyes and with the residency experience under my belt). Still processing of course (you know I am slow to digest things!) but my main take away is what you spoke about – the act of making becoming more gestural – the fact of my work becoming more and more abstract (actually I think I am getting a little obsessed by the idea of abstraction – even in drawing classes in the past I’ve been surprised at how much I’ve enjoyed the exercises which veered off in that direction!)

Anyway, every now and then I still go back over my final work at CRETA and rehash things – should’ve done this, should’ve done that etc etc…..the old doubt nibbling away at my small amount of confidence and comfort in my processes…..But the relaxed me is still strong enough at the moment to bat that annoying creature away and remind myself that I actually did what I wanted to do over there. I immersed myself in those Etruscan sites, researched and collected from those visits and responded to what I was seeing in the studio…..The actual result/s of all this will come – in the future (and possibly for some time to come)...So allowing that all to pickle away inside my brain and heart and the rest will come (hopefully!) And then the whole thing about how the work was displayed so differently to my intention….well, when I walked into the gallery I thought “actually that doesn’t look too bad” and I decided to let it go. I think it was a training/preparation for our exhibition in a way – an exercise in letting go of the work once it’s made and handing it over to someone else. Interesting to see how differently it can be interpreted and viewed…..So there are lessons in that too.

PS I love your new experiments and I can see the correlation between those and the pieces you did on Skopelos (the ones you didn’t like!) It’s as if they were a sketch of an idea …….

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

16th October 2023

Dear Fran,

Well I've done it! I put in the application for the Fondazione Saffi Award last night! And i finished an application for Gertrude Contemporary's Studio Program which (if i get it) will give me a studio in Melbourne for 2 years. So that feels like a big achievement.

I guess I'm just trying to hold onto that free mindset, or embody it a bit more actively now im back in Australia. Apparently, according to Luis, I still have a "holiday glow" so I guess its working. I dont feel super bogged down yet, but I am starting to get anxious about my work and what might go in this exhibition in Feb 2024. Yikes! Good thing you get to pick my work and I get to pick yours, I think that will be very good for me. It was such a positive and bolstering community that i was submerged in on the island that I really miss it now. Having people to bounce off every day is so nice. Speaking of, it was nice to chat the other day. Looks like you're going well and isn't it funny that it we both have contemplated doing ephemeral work while on residence? Its odd how it took both of us going to another country to seriously consider that. I wonder what that says about our ideas of a final work and the importance we place on physical logistics of the artworks in Australia versus overseas. Perhaps we just need to be on holidays to get a bit more flexible and open minded....

But i guess that's why both our processes have been getting more gestural and experimental whilst away? I've got the block back now I'm in the studio in Bondi about doing 2D work again. I was so keen to do more painting with slip when I got back but I cant bring myself to start somehow. Im scared to buy paper (what if its the wrong paper?!) and then scared to waste it. Also my studio here is so small, its hard to feel like you have the room to do big gestures. OH! I also got in a project proposal to a gallery in NYC today. Its a joint exhibition with my friend Michela who i met in Greece (she's based in Malta) and a sound artist based in USA, who is the daughter of one of the printmedia artists we both met in Greece! So if we get this we get funding towards the project and an exhibition in NYC! How good would that be?? I really want to apply for the Loewe Craft Prize but i just dont think im going to get it in on time. Its a lengthy form and I wanted images of some new works I made last week but I dont think i have time to find a photographer, organise the shoot and do the application, all by the 25th of October. Or i would, except im away for a friends wedding this weekend.

Anyway, I got some new sheets of plexiglass and am going to try heat-forming them on a larger scale this week. Hopefully tuesday! I also made some new composite forms in the studio last week, combining the porcelain with actual bits of lichen and seaweed as well as glass and silver solder. They look so cool! But they are small. I feel like being in a smaller space is forcing making my work physically retreat in size again...

Anyway, how did you go with your exhibition title? Make sure to send me lots of photos!

xxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

Dear Zoe

We have been here at Anguillara CRETA for 2 weeks today!....so much has already happened. And as usual there’s a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions regarding life in the studio. But I do have some things underway and it doesn’t matter of course what eventuates. It’s my process in the end….and it’s all about that after all. I’m realising as this evolves just how important my writing is to me. I’ve known it all along of course but it’s coming through clearly as actually quite a big part of my practise. Now that life is pared back to the residency process and the stuff of being away from home and exploring etc… I see just how much I need to dip in and out of this reflective process also. At home it all feels jumbled in with everything else and I use it to clear out all that clutter to get down to my practise. But here I am already in that space and I see that I still need to write. To get clear and to simply think things through and process the experiences I’ve been having and what I’ve seen etc etc….. So there’s a big learning in that already I think – and I only worked it out right now by doing exactly what I was talking about ...writing!!!

So here's a bunch of stuff I"ve been making...who knows what is going on...but I'm enjoying the different clays and I seem to be making some new gestures if you know what I mean? This is kind of unexpected and started happening right after the first visit to the Necropolis at Cerveteri. You know I love the niches and spaces and the objects within things of course....and there is so much of that...but I was sooo taken with the markings within the spaces. The soft earth (tufa) was just carved out by those Etruscans. They made the whole site and all the rest in the same way....and there was something so beautiful about seeing those markings on the walls of the tombs.....so I've been carving and scraping out and being a lot more gestural which is interesting. I think I like it. Just trying to remember Zoe to keep going and keep being curious and maintain the element of play which the residency process affords us. What a wonderful gift that is! (well a gift we had to work for and pay for but a gift nonetheless!)

Anyway, as usual - just need to keep going......

Hugs

Fran xx

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

19th September 2023

Dear Fran,

Wow there's a lot going on there in your last post. I found your comment on leaving the pieces to others and trusting it will be fine interesting. I guess because when I was in Denmark I had to do that a lot for the MU exhibition and the Waterhouse Prize, and I have to say I kind of loved it. I think? Like its a relief a little to give it over and not have to think about it. Maybe its the physical distance that makes it easier. When there's no physical way I can do anything about it so it somehow easier to let the control go? Maybe?

The other point, which is YOU ARE A REAL ARTIST.Grrrrr. But why do we need external validation of others to reassure us that doing the things we enjoy are worthwhile? So ridiculous. Sorry. But yes I'm very pleased for you that that came through! Now we just have to get that CAPO one in.....

ANYWAY, it's my last night in Greece. I feel weird about it. Ready to go home, because I've been travelling and seeing people but I wasn't ready to leave the island at all this time last week. Fucking hell. It's a little piece of paradise that island, isn't it? Now it almost feels like a dream. So to try and keep the connection to the place I've been making new digital pieces out of an image of one of the pieces I made during the residency. I kinda love it more than the actual piece I think? And i think i'm done with Sydney. I don't think I want to live there after this studio residency thing finishes. Maybe Melbourne?

London was really lovely too, I think Sylvain and Malene are like my dream power couple. They're just so lovely and driven and creative and it was just so nice to be around people who have strong European accents and speak in languages other than damn english. Malene is so meticulous and hardworking in her studio and Sylvain is so supportive and then they have slow breakfast together every morning and theres always records playing and incense burning and it was just utterly blissful. Plus they have so many good art books. Ergh, it does through into sharp relief how much I don't enjoy life in Australia a lot of the time.

Hmm I'm sure there's more things but I cant think of them right now. I think I need to sleep but also I feel like there's so much I should say somehow to communicate how wonderful and healing and inspiring the time on Skopelos was. I did so much, even though I didn't like a whole lot of what I made. How do you communicate something so important and life affirming adequately? Are there even the right words in english? Probaby not.

Also I got asked in England if I was Danish, I guess because i started using small amounts of Danish again around Malene and it brought out my pronunciations and accents on some words. Either way it made me feel very pleased that it had come back so quickly. I do keep interchanging between nej (Danish for no) and nai (Greek for yes/yeah) and getting both greeks and english people confused.

Ohk, i'll stop for now.

xxxxx Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

New things.....they are so scary aren't they? I really enjoyed making these pieces Zoe - but you know that they were made for that collaboration which went pear shaped (the botanical show that I told you about).....And then I was so stuck about what to do and which way to turn - how to work with a new partner and feeling that I could not use any of these pieces..... Well in the end I did fire a few of them - and I changed my mind about them. I decided to make a new /different arrangement combining some existing pieces with some of these new abstracted forms. And then I felt ok about it - and then not! Ups and downs and endless rumination on things, leading way to anxiety about it all. But in the end, I had to make some decisions in the given timeframe and now it's done!!. I am on the other side of the world now and I have delivered said pieces to my new partner. And later, I decided I would make a wall arrangement as above for the Potters Members' Show later in the year too. Last year you encouraged me to use that forum for more experimental works and it was a good move. So I'm doing that again! There's just been so much in my brain and so many decisions in the lead up to this overseas trip that I felt quite overloaded and in the end there was not much room for doubt really as there was just no time ! Maybe there is a lesson in that?? So I've handed things over and various pieces will be exhibited in my absence and I just need to trust that it will all go ok. For now I need to turn my attention to being here (first enjoying this family time and a bit of rest....) and then to prepare mentally for the upcoming residency in Italy - and that's another story for another time ( and another round of self-doubt coming to be sure!)

Sorry if this is a bit garbled... I think I am actually a bit jetlagged even though I've been sort of fine mostly - it's that moment of the day when they body thinks it should be in a deep middle of the night sleep!

PS - I need to acknowledge that I was successful in receiving the Arts ACT grant! So that is validating - at least they must think I am a real artist!

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

Dear Fran,

So I've been on Skopelos for about 10 days now and I've already had plenty of moments of doubt and needing to walk away from things. Im writing today because I feel a bit stuck. Well I did when I was trying to upload the photos and now I don't because I just had a chat with my new Maltese friend about my work and I think we figured out how to continue. It wasn't a conceptual thing (this time) but more of a technical, being able to build in the round kind of problem. Anyway, moving forward now.

So some things I've been working on: trying to upscale my specimens. This was one of the first things I did, partially to get myself grounded in the studio and used to working with the clay. It worked, and the photograph on the left is some of the results. I don't know if I enjoy the lack of translucency, but it was an easy clay to work with. I also think they somehow lose their intrigue or movement a bit as they get larger. Or maybe as I get used to the clay and the process and the climate and everything they get more methodical and therefore less intuitive? Not that I plan how I want them to look but I do find myself going for particular types of pieces or sizes or textures and then I think they lose something a bit. Does that make sense? The less experimental they are, the less alive they seem. That sense of play without thinking is perhaps what I mean.

Anyway, I of course spent several days not liking what I made because I didn't like how it came out of the kiln, and now seeing them in photos again, I do. So during that time I've been experimenting with the red clay, which is very soft and creamy. I've also been trying to reconcile with the fact that I think I prefer clay before its fired. In terms of sustainability this isn't a problem, but I get uncomfortable with idea of having nothing left to show at the end of it for all my time and work....like there will be no proof of my ideas or things that I do with my life if I don't have something tangible, physical and concrete to show for it. I'm sure my psychologist would have a few things to say about that.

As part of a way to move through the blockage, one of my red clay experiments has been trying to do a hanging sculpture. So i started building around a piece of steel that I hung. The second photo is a detail of that. Just using really soft clay I started adding on to the wired and then began pressing in, very gently, the shards and tiny scrapings I'd already made. Side note: I really like stretching out slabs an dropping them on an angle so they fold like fabric. But then I hate them when they're fired. But stretching clay by throwing it around on a table is fun. I feel like there is a bit of a trend of semi- violent processes being fun emerging.....hmmmmmmm

I'm really glad to hear that PIN was a good decision, I think putting your work out there as much as possible is good because it creates the opportunities for feedback, especially from people perhaps outside our usual circles. Which is always a good thing I think. You never know what might resonate with you....And how great is it that the botanical thing has evolved for the better now? Im sorry that whole thing put you in a funk but also what an unprofessional dick. Anyway, you get to be overseas soon and make new weird shit too!

I still haven't resolved if there were reasons other than economic ones for the invention of the burial shroud but I think I am still interested in rituals surrounding death and the dead and what we leave behind. I don't actually know much about Greek funerals or how they've evolved so I should probably examine that, but recently I've been taken with the idea of an offering bowl. There was a particularly stunning one from the archeological site in Akrotiri on Santorini, and I cant get it out of my head! Its so simple the shape, and I cant find anything on the meaning of dolphins in Early Cycladic decoration but I still love it. I think I want to create a grotto/nymphaeum experiential space that is somehow also a homage to my dad and the aspects of nature he taught me about? Or perhaps the a homage by way of an experiential ritual space that is a celebration of nature and the way i view it and/or interact with it. I think that's a better way of putting it? But it's scary to write about because I don't think I've ever said these ideas out loud to anyone, not even myself. So the idea of telling you, even in this form is making my stomach turn a bit. I am hungover a tad though. Anyway its really windy which is making me not want to be in the studio because my eyes get irritated from all the dust and my shit blows everywhere. BLAHHHHHH. Zephyrus (Gk. Ζέφυρος [ Zéphyros ]) is blowing with force today.

Lets chat soon xxxxx

Zoe

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

August 10

Dear Zoe, time has gotten away from me and the last month feels like a blur! I have just sat down and had a big writing session with myself and as always, this helps.

Helps me get clear on where to from here (cuts through the brainfog a bit) but also I think it helps me see where I’ve been – to reflect on what has transpired. The ups and downs along the way that I just tend to minimise cos this creative life of ours is so deadline driven that it’s easy to simply tick things off and move on…..without appreciating the time, work and effort (emotional and otherwise) that has gone into getting those things done...

The PIN show opened last night at ANCA. I was filled with last minute doubt about the pieces I’d supplied yesterday….but I guess if they hadn’t wanted them they wouldn’t have selected them….It’s the usual jitters about showing one’s work I suppose? Even though I had downplayed this as a small event ...it’s still about putting your work out there isnt it? So in the end I’m glad I attended the opening and am ok with the works I supplied and I was pleasantly surprised at the install as I hadn’t expect much :) So that was a bonus

But the other thing that has happened and this is a biggie regarding the upcoming Botanical exhibition: In the last 4 weeks I was dumped unceremoniously by my collaborator…..(at least that’s how I felt…) And it threw me into a spin- I was in the middle of making for it...I had just bisque fired a bunch of pieces….and then I felt lost. Talk about sparking feelings of doubt! The lack of communication was the thing that upset me the most – and I still don’t really understand what happened. I know what he said – but????? Anyway, I now have a new collaborator and we have worked out a plan to use some existing works. I didn’t feel ok about just asking someone new to respond to the very abstract and difficult pieces I had developed with the first artist….so they are now just sitting in a box. On the plus side, I now have a body of work ready to go…..! And it’s work I am excited about. Maybe I’ll try and get some finished before we go away. Possibly for some of the members’ shows coming up? We'll see.....

But Zoe, I can’t write a post without commenting on your last one. So much has happened since then for us both. You made a breakthrough with those experiments and I loved seeing them when you last visited. I’m so glad that the photoshoot we had with Mel before you left helped us to get focused a bit more on how our show next year might end up looking. We will be ok…..

Talking about grief: it never really goes away. I still miss my Mum. But it’s bearable – it’s nice to think of her, make her recipes, exchange stories. It keeps her with us still. Last week when I went to my uncle’s funeral in Melbourne (her eldest brother), I was thinking of her heaps. But reconnecting with my cousins and the other Aunties and Uncles was SO good. I can’t believe I almost didn’t go….It’s just so important to be part of that process and to feel supported and held in the shared memories. We all need it. …… I am thinking of you now and sending love. I know that the concept of grief has new meaning for you at the moment...and you will talk about that when you are ready. In the meantime, know that you are not alone.

[theselfdoubtdiaries]

4th of July

Dear Fran,

I still haven't managed to go to a fabric store. But i have started playing with plexiglass again. I think I want to play with thinner gauge plexiglass maybe. I was going to do more work with it today but its raining and impossible to work outside or vent the studio properly without the windows and door open. Truth be told i'm feeling a bit weird about the whole project. Maybe it's because I come to Canberra a lot but I guess at the moment I'm feeling like we do more studio visits at yours and discuss your work more than mine. But maybe I'm just out of practice, discussing my work in depth. I'm so used to minimising everything I do in a day that perhaps, I just need to get comfortable again with talking about the tests, about the little things, the things that are bringing me joy and why, still, I'm scared of making these burial shrouds.

GAH.

Anyway. This is perhaps the most minimal test I've done in a while. But I love it. I had to relearn how to heat and manipulate the plexiglass without it all boiling all over. It if boils, it gets all these bubbled throughout and then you can't really see through it anymore. It's a fun affect but still. Not good for transparency. But anyway this work makes me feel like Christo, wrapping something to highlight its presence but also obscure it. But because its plastic, it does have that sense of suffocation, detachment, to be able to see and not touch. Once again giving the object importance by removing it from the world, its natural habitat, a place where it can be no longer interacted with...

I'm currently reading a beautiful book by Robin Wall Kimmerer titled "The Democracy of Species". She's a Potawatomi woman and botanist and talks about the animacy of indigenous language and grammar, and how that shifts your perception of the world around oneself. "in scientific language our terminology is used to define the boundaries of our knowing. What lies beyond our grasp is unnamed." but the word Puhpowee "translates as 'the force that causes mushrooms to push up from the earth overnight.'[...] the makers of this world understood a world of being, full of unseen energies that animate everything.". In relation to my work, I guess I'm beginning to question why the burial shroud, the coffin, came into existence? Practically speaking, I know that the shroud was cheaper and easier to manufacture than a coffin, but why do we feel the need to preserve or cloak the dead? If we're all of the earth and returning to the earth in death, for we surely decay and feed the insects with our flesh, then why do we not just go straight into the ground? Perhaps I need to research more why they came into being. But if this research has been the starting point I guess it has led me to more fundamental questions of why we need to preserve anything at all? So these are my questions:

Why were coffins and shrouds invented?

Why am I so afraid of going to a fabric store?

Why do I continue to fiddle with small, tiny components of various materials when in my minds eye, I have visualised large, floaty fabric and porcelain things?

I wonder if this hesitancy is because I am afraid to do anything that touches on death overtly, due to the grief. I am afraid to make work that is and could be seen as being about dad, but I don't know how to not bring that into my practice anymore, when grief is now such a constant in my life.

All this essay, from one tiny image of a rock and some plexiglass.

Much love,

Zoe xxxxx