Everything Is Blue

I hope the sun shines where you are.

[thesoundsofyou]

The light is falling with the sun and everything is blue

Yellow lights flood onto the front garden of the houses all lined up..

I am in a car, driving by. We are going slow so I can see into each house, with their Christmas trees and lights. The kids, the parents, the dogs. I envy them. I feel like I am owed something. This. Something I don’t think I have ever had. We keep driving to dinner.

The pub is loud. I wonder how we look together. If people are questioning us. I have always felt out of place amongst people. By the way I look, the way I sound, the way I dress… Am I doing it right yet?

I guess maybe that is why I always feel grateful for moments in my life that I feel at home. I always know it ends. The feeling is fleeting because I don’t deserve it. I get close to finding out what it is. But never long enough to hold on to it.

The wind blows in our faces and through our sweaters and coats as we walk out. For a minute I forgot how cold it is here. The drink had warmed my face a bit but now it is just colder.

It is dark and it reminds me of a scene I have seen before. Did I see it in my head? Was it a movie? Was it real life?

The streets are small and every car going by us feels like a part of my soul leaving. I hope they’re going somewhere happier.

Is it the darkness that does it? Is it the cold? Is it the wind that blows in a way it can only blow on islands?

It is colder here than anywhere I have ever been. Years later I would feel this way again in yet another country. But today, I am here. I have been here for a few months now. The sun from September seems so far away. I don’t think I belong here, or anywhere at all.

Have I said this all before?

[thesoundsofyou]

Rape.

Four letters.

A fearful look.

A thought.

Her fault.

The end.

And the beginning

It’s been 10 years.

One of them has died since.

Relief -

(am I evil to feel that?)

Another has apologized.

Can I say tried to apologize?

What is an apology if you can’t forgive or forget?

If an act lasts forever.

Again. And again. And again. And again.

I make excuses of course

They were young too

They didn’t know

I didn’t know

I put myself in that situation

It doesn’t matter that I was passed out on a strange bed

Thinking I was sleeping alone, in a drunken slumber

I only woke from the screaming

Them

And a girl

One of their sisters

Slamming a baseball bat against the one on top of me

And I went black again

How how did I get home? Who was I after? Who was I before?

It’s taken me 10 years to say those four letters - a short, simple, complicated, riddled word.

Aha.

I am okay. And I am free.

[thesoundsofyou]

My memories are fading. And so are you

[thesoundsofyou]

Fleeting

So many feelings are fleeting. Rage passes. Anxiety calms. And waves recede. I notice these things and realize the temporary body of them so often, I can’t help but stop when I experience a feeling that does not leave. It does not falter.

[thesoundsofyou]

Waiting is such a hard game to play when what we're waiting for is just another long wait.

[thesoundsofyou]

Regret is a place I go to often. I drown in it

[thesoundsofyou]

Maybe the point isn't to love. Maybe it's to run. Maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe tomorrow is the day to go. Maybe it's today. I dreamt last night. I left him again. And again and again. I'm going down again. How do I get away from that. How do i become who I want to be and not want to kill myself. How is hanging better than drowning. Why is a gun not the worst option. Why is love not enough

[thesoundsofyou]

I think I was happy once

[thesoundsofyou]

I’m trying to ask for less

[thesoundsofyou]

Hopeful

Have you ever been to a new city?

Went to the highest point you can find..

And you look out for the very first time,

That’s what loving you feels like. 

I have this crazy idea.

That maybe I’ve known you my whole life,

I’ve found bits of you in everyone I’ve ever loved and admired

And when I met you, my heart recognized you

It shouted, there you are

Late at night when you’ve gone to sleep,

I confess,

Sometimes I think we can’t make it.

But then you wake

And all my fears fall away

And I don’t know how I was ever afraid

The first time you told me I love you

I think I caught my heart in my throat

I think I forgot how to breathe

I think I had never felt so afraid in my life

And I can tell you now

Fear lives in my bones

It vibrates in my blood

Lately I’ve been dreaming of a big house

A great big bed with just me and you

It overlooks a green backyard and vast blue sky

I imagine two plane tickets sitting on our bedside table

We’re going away again

But we’re not in a hurry

I have no where else to be but with you

And there isn’t a place I wouldn’t follow you to..

[thesoundsofyou]

January

Break my heart

And make it hurt

I want to remember

How hot the sun burns,

How cold the ocean is when you jump in,

How even a walk will make your feet hurt and legs weak 

When the path gets too long

Don’t you know

That even the sky falls sometimes.

Or that the wind will blow too hard just to remind you it’s there.

Sidewalk after sidewalk,

Every step feels further away from you,

But it’s really only time..

Time has stolen you away from me.

We’ve been apart more days than we’ve been together

And I’m beginning to wonder why all feelings are only passing

I’m talking to the space in front of my lips again

With only the heavy sun to meet me halfway

And the wind sweeping my words away.

They become like all the ghosts inside me

Unseen, unheard

But still resonating through every vein 

[thesoundsofyou]

A sun in the past

“I never had to get over you, I had to get over the realization of what we were not” he sent me. Maybe that sums it all up. The end of all ends. He was not the first person I’ve ever loved but he was the first person that made me realize what love is and how it is meant to be felt in the bones. He showed me how it could be dark clouds before a storm, heavy and full of imminent danger. He showed me how it could be a plane that is passing another, both on a journey, both waiting to be somewhere, both there at that moment, hoping. He saved me in so many ways. Mostly away from myself. He gave me escape when I thought I needed no one. He tore me out of a cycle of detachment that I was swimming in. He taught me how to be responsible for my own feelings and others. I can honestly say I’m stronger because of him. But sometimes a person can love someone and not be in love and that’s okay. I’m sorry for hurting him in the ways that I did but I will never be sorry for anything that happened between us and I think that’s okay too.

[thesoundsofyou]

you & me

For a long time I was feeling lost. I found myself thinking “I want to go home. I want to go home.” and realizing I didn’t know where that was anymore. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d felt safe and home. I felt the world falling away into a gray fog. It didn’t matter what was ahead of me or what was behind me. I constantly felt the points and edges of every side of what felt like reality. I constantly lived in a state of failure I haven’t even come to yet. My heart was breaking over and over. Every nerve, tense. I felt like I was hanging on a string. And it was being stretched thin, to the point of breaking. My heart was ready to leap out of my throat and I lost all appetite. I could feel the touch of my friends that tried to comfort me hurting my skin. Every pore, every inch, felt like it has been burnt raw. Every touch felt like a violation of my body and mind. I stopped being. I felt distant and outside of everything. It was hard to focus on anyone else but myself because I’d lost the ability to connect with anyone. I drank myself in circles. Some days I still feel like this.

[violentwavesofemotion-deactivat]

‘You have made so many enemies?’ he asked, with gentle irony.‘Strangers,’ she replied. ‘I seem to make strangers of all the people I meet.’

D.H. Lawrence, from The Complete Works (via violentwavesofemotion)

[thesoundsofyou]

i am my own paradise

I’ve been told I’ll always be sad and alone and selfish. Maybe I am cold. Maybe heartless isn’t enough to describe me. I’ve never lied about my feelings for a boy. I can’t hold back joy, the same way I can’t hold back fear or wonder. I haven’t really been doing much lately... if you use my 10 year old self’s definition of doing much. I lay around a lot. Looking for the energy for another day. I kiss a boy I really like more often than any normal person should. It’s quite a hobby. I watch videos about scientific studies and movies about fictional characters. I watch videos for songs I can’t get out of my head and songs I really shouldn’t go back to. I write about a lot of bullshit that don’t quite matter anyway. Not to me. Not to you. Maybe one day I’ll look back and remember myself as this person now. But it won’t even matter then. I’ll be a different person. 

Do you ever close your eyes. And position yourself the way you did that one time you visited that one place and closed your eyes and stood perfectly still? Can you see yourself there? I do. I see New York in 2008. I see the Bahamas in 2010. I see China in 2012. I see South Korea in 2014. I see you in March... one blue morning. I can hear the wind hitting the window, 33 stories above downtown Austin. Maybe it was 32. Maybe it’s just in my head. 

None of these ever change. What happened will always stay the same. Korea will always look the same to me until I go back. But as much as I don’t ever admit, I’ve shed layers and layers along the way until the person that you miss, the person that you still think I am, is no longer here. I don’t use the same raw shampoo. I don’t wear the same nude heels. I don’t even dream the same nightmares... My fingers have stopped reaching out to call you. And I’ve washed away every kiss and touch.

Moving on is always the easiest in the beginning. I’ve practiced moving on since I was three months old. The clean feeling of a pressure relieved hasn’t washed away yet. You look at everything with a light that has yet to be dulled... It’s the months and years to follow that are hard. It’s like shedding an addiction. It’s something you have to consciously agree to hour by hour, day by day. No I won’t have that drink. No I won’t take that pill. No I won’t reminisce that day in July. No I won’t text when I watch our favorite show. No I won’t call when I’m feeling scared, alone, and different. It’s not easy but it makes tomorrow easier and that makes it okay... maybe even worth it.

[thesoundsofyou]

I can see the shore in the distance

Sometimes I read. And sometimes I read something that makes me think twice about the way I’m living. “I should’ve been nicer” is a quote I keep coming across. 

I’m not a nice person. I can be mean. I have been many times in my life. I keep thinking one day someone’s going to make me feel the way I’ve made so many feel. But there are no absolutes and I’m not purely anything. I am washed over again and again by new ideas and new emotions I don’t know how to deal with or even know where from. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I wish I could say sorry without making it a selfish act. I’m not looking for forgiveness. Just lighter hearts and brighter smiles. 

My heart is a mess. I don’t know where it started. I replay every memory in my head, trying to find the beginning of everything. When death didn’t matter. When finality was just an idea. Or maybe at most, an end to a sentence. A period. I was four and a half when my aunt’s mother in law passed. I guess it really shouldn’t matter to me Except she wasn’t just my aunt. And her mother in law wasn’t just another person. My aunt was a mother to me. And her mother in law, a granny. She used to threaten me with a chicken stick for fun. I don’t remember anything else about her except her feet were really small and she loved me. And then I was at someone’s house for a week before I came back to America to meet my parents for the first time. i thought it was to say goodbyes.. but it was because my granny had died. And they didn’t want me to be there. That was the first lie I can remember the tall people telling me. 

I met a girl the other day. I’ve never met someone so hard to keep up with. She was energetic but not adhd. Most people lead up to points with leading words and ideas. It’s a train track with only so many turns. She was a river with rocks and curves and a million blind spots. 

Yesterday was a whole day spent with him. Yesterday was cold wind and warm hot chocolate. Yesterday was holding hands and eating sweets. Yesterday was a Christmas market I’ve never experienced in a city I’ve never been. Yesterday was a whole day spent with him. I’m happier, luckier, so much more blessed than most. And I’m thankful for that. 

[thesoundsofyou]

the things I collect

Ireland is a story I haven’t really told. It was a whirlwind. I dressed up as the Queen of Hearts. Met people from Japan, people from Thailand, people from Wisconsin, people from Ireland, people from New York, people from California... A girl kissed me while her fiance was watching. And proceeded to ask me to be her bridesmaid. Another girl chased me around in circles trying to match me with her best friend. Roses kept falling into my hands in the most undeserving manner. Streets filled with people, dressed to hide. Or maybe that was just me. We ended Halloween at the house of the girl and her fiance’s friends. I didn’t know this at the time, but they were all tripping on LSD haha. Earlier that day we had spent all day at the Guinness Brewery. We talked to about fifty strangers that day... trying to remember faces and names and stories to match. 

Some people collect stamps. Some people collect memories. Others collect stories. One man even told me he collected names. I’m starting to think I collect people.