he's not diseased.

[thesumm3r]

IF I'VE GOT TO SUFFER, IT MAY AS WELL BE AT YOUR HANDS.

ind. sel. priv. yoshiki from the summer hikaru died. 21+. exclusive with hikarudi3d.  written by levi (25, he/neos, est). blog-wide warning for the following : body & psychological horror; death; suicide and depression; addiction; cannibalism; internalised homophobia. bio / rules under the cut.

RULES.

call me levi. i'm at work all the time, so my activity on here is sparse, at best.

i am exclusive with hikarudi3d and all other characters dirk writes. that's this blog's hikaru/"hikaru", and any references thereof are in reference to them.

due to the nature of the manga/anime, this blog will have a lot of potentially triggering topics, as listed above; these will be tagged as needed. please tag all mentions of eating disorders and vomit/emeto.

in particular, much of this blog will be exploring the toxic relationship between yoshiki and "hikaru"; this relationship is based heavily around a literal addiction to "hikaru".

i loooooove interactions. feel free to send memes, like starter calls, and similar.

BIO.

tsujinaka yoshiki

17 (verse dependent)

gay, cis male (he/him)

depression (treated), bpd (untreated)

[unbecomemes]

kevin can eff himself sentence starters (pt three)

living in new england is just like that. warnings for emotional abuse, murder, kidnappings. feel free to change wording and pronouns as needed.

"she's trying to play the victim here?"

"we have to make it look like none of this ever happened."

"this isn't normal. none of this is normal."

"we'll fix it together, okay?"

"you're too good for him."

"i think it's technically kidnapping, not hostage taking."

"i was made for politicking."

"it seemed justifiable. but it wasn't, and it's not."

"he's tied up and bleeding. we did that."

"the only thing serious about me is my heart condition."

"he's a distraction, alright?"

"i've never hurt him before."

"he's not a complete idiot. he just wants you to think he is."

"i always knew you'd take after mom."

"you're a useless piece of shit just like dad."

"isn't that what you wore last night?"

"it's not my fault. i get overwhelmed."

"he laughs when you bleed."

"it's terrible being sick and alone."

"i know you don't like her, but you really don't know her."

"i don't know why I'm bothering to try and make you care."

"you always do what she says."

"this self-destructive bullshit is just playing the victim again."

"people who show up at front doors without calling are very intense."

"you have the general vibe of a sad dog in a cone."

"if you want to stay here, you can stay here."

"do you want me to stay?"

"no one wants to read about me."

"i don't want to be me anymore."

"we really can't make out at a funeral."

"ever since i started talking to you, i don't think i've had one day that's felt normal."

"i don't want to think about it, i don't want to talk about it. i just want to pretend like it never happened at all."

"you don't have to pretend to like something just to make someone happy."

"i'm not very good at fun."

"if you want to have fun, you have to be ready to haul ass at any moment."

"if i were to get you a nice surprise, what would it be?"

"what do you want to do for your birthday?"

"it makes me very good at sex."

"i kind of miss having a little noise in my life."

"i need a death certificate."

"how long have you and that guy been having an affair?"

"a lot of people would say i should get a divorce."

"he messed up, and i fixed it."

"are you actually helping?"

"these are your people."

"should i go somewhere else to smoke?"

"no one's ever thrown me a party before."

[thesumm3r]

@hikarudi3d asked : "it feels good to be sad." / from "hikaru"…

"gets old fast." if hikaru's temporary death had done anything, it was giving yoshiki's emotions the wake-up they'd needed. he spent the months before numb, muted in ways he hadn't noticed until the fog lifted. even when he found his body, he'd struggled to react; the physical sensations washed over him long before the emotional ones. lately, though, he feels. and he mostly feels negatively. he hasn't yet decided if the positive feelings make it worthwhile. he misses the miserable stillness of the village. he kicks his foot against the side of "hikaru's" and studies his face. same face as always. "are you sad?"

[adoredrps]

𝗗𝗘𝗙𝗜𝗡𝗜𝗧𝗘𝗟𝗬 𝗠𝗔𝗬𝗕𝗘 𝗦𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗖𝗘 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗘𝗥𝗦.

taken from objectively the best oasis album (argue with the wall). feel free to adjust/edit as needed.

"i live my life in the city."

"there's no easy way out."

"the day's moving too fast for me."

"i've gotta slow it right down."

"i need some time in the sunshine."

"in my mind, my dreams are real."

"now you're concerned about the way i feel?"

"tonight, i'm a rock'n'roll star."

"look at you now. you're in my hands."

"i'd like to be somebody else."

"i'm sorry, but i just don't know."

"i know you said you told me so."

"i don't really wanna know."

"did you ever feel the pain?"

"maybe i just wanna fly."

"maybe i'll never be all the things i want to be."

"now is not the time to cry."

"how high do you think you'll go before you start falling?"

"you wanna be me."

"the people here don't hear you calling."

"how does it feel when you're inside me?"

"i heard you feel down."

"welcome to my world."

"i hear that the light's gone out of your life."

"it's just a case of never breathing out before you've breathed it in."

"how am i to protect you?"

"nothing's the same to me."

"i can't tell you the way i feel."

"i can't tell you the way i feel because the way i feel is so new to me."

"i can see the signs."

"am i confusing you?"

"i need to be myself."

"i'm feeling supersonic."

"give me gin and tonic."

"you can have it all, but how much do you want it?"

"you make me laugh."

"give me your autograph."

"can i ride with you?"

"no one's gonna tell you what i'm on about."

"you need to find a way for what you wanna say."

"my friend said he'd take you home."

"you need to be yourself."

"today was just a blur."

"you're here on your own. who you gonna blame?"

"you're the outcast."

"you don't care, because you're living fast."

"you're the uninvited guest."

"i know you've got a problem."

"you think they're talking about you."

"bring it down for me."

"is it my imagination, or have i finally found something worth living for?"

"i was looking for some action."

"i was looking for some action, but all i found was cigarettes and alcohol."

"you might as well do the white line."

"you gotta make it happen."

"is it worth the aggravation?"

"is it worth the aggravation to find yourself a job when there's nothing worth working for?"

"it's a crazy situation, but all i need is cigarettes and alcohol."

"you gotta make it."

"what a life it would be if you could come to mine for tea."

"i'll pick you up at half past three."

"i'll treat you like a queen."

"i'll give you strawberries and cream."

"these could be the best days of our lives."

"i don't think we've been living very wise."

"give it all you've got."

"i dream of you."

"i dream of you and all the things you say."

"i wonder where you are now."

"hold me down."

"all the world's asleep."

"i dream of you, and we talk of growing old."

"i've tried praying."

"i don't know what to say to you now that you're mine."

"let me be the one who shines with you."

"i wanna try now."

"i wanna make you mine now."

"i don't know, i don't care."

"all i know is you can take me there."

"there's no need for you to say you're sorry."

"i don't care no more, so don't you worry."

"i hate the way that even though you know you're wrong, you say you're right."

"i hate the books you read and all your friends."

"your music's shite."

"i hate the way you're so sarcastic."

"you're not very bright."

"you think that everything you've done's fantastic."

"it'll be nice to be alone for a week or two."

[thesumm3r]

also as a small town rural gay i'd LOVE to be like "nooo it's totally fine for him to come out, everyone will love him still!!" but that's just blatantly untrue. the whole town hates his family as is LMAO. i think his family and friends would accept it but not anyone else. and the family only get away with it bc they have other bs going on

[thesumm3r]

yoshiki has/had this idea in his mind that like. he'll move to tokyo and he'll finally have a Place and he'll be happy and life will be so good. now unfortunately it is very "wherever you go, you take yourself with you". yes his village is far more homophobic than the city, but his own internalized homophobia is so strong that it doesn't really matter if everyone around him is accepting. and ofc he is also mentally ill so yk

[thesumm3r]

@hikarudi3d asked : "would we survive in a horror movie?" / from hikaru

he peeks up from where he's buried in his pillow, his latest attempt at sleep thwarted again by hikaru's midnight musings. he's tired. he thinks about it, though, and he thinks their odds of survival are pretty low. they'd probably arrest him for the murders before the killers could get to them -- half the village thinks he's a budding psycho anyways. and hikaru ... he can't imagine hikaru anything other than this, bright and loud even when whispering by moonlight, but hikaru isn't a horror movie type of bright. "i think you'd be one of the last to die. but you'd still die."

[hikarudi3d]

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤwhat if the stars tied us in secret knots?

what if i am fated to rediscover you each time i return?       

[thesumm3r]

tag drop

[unbecomemes]

stick season sentence starters

from the album by noah kahan, including bonus and deluxe tracks. feel free to change pronouns, wording, etc. as needed.

"i was raised on little light."

"i love [place], but..."

"it's half my fault, but i like to play the victim."

"i thought i could cancel out the darkness i inherited."

"i miss the way you laugh."

"i know your name, but not who you are."

"there ain't a drop of bad blood."

"i still recall how the leather in your car feels."

"i looked so confident, but babe, i swear i was scared to death."

"you got all my love."

"there was heaven in your eyes."

"i could be your sacrifice."

"the town's the same as you left it."

"i was too afraid of living life in your footsteps."

"i was taking the wrong meds."

"it feels good to be sad."

"someday, i'm gonna be somebody people want."

"would we survive in a horror movie?"

"we know you got sober."

"are we all just pulling you down?"

"if i could lose you, i would."

"i'm angry at my parents for what their parents did to them."

"there are worse ways to stay alive."

"it's better to die numb than feel it all."

"are you bored yet?"

"i'm mean because i grew up in [place]."

"i will die in the house that i grew up in."

"i promise to be there this time."

"son, why do you do this to yourself?"

"if i could leave, i would've already left."

"i'm in love with being seen and afraid of being noticed."

"i've been exactly where you are."

"if you could see yourself like this, you would have never tried it."

"this is normal conversation, babe."

"we ain't angry at you, love."

"we'll be waiting for you, love."

"you're the greatest thing we ever lost."

[thesumm3r]

my diagnosis of ... all of that is that yoshiki has depression + bpd. i've got bpd so i'm allowed to diagnose problematic obsessive characters with bpd