@thethoughtsofsara - Tumblr Blog

Even in my silent room, my thoughts are screaming at me. And the loneliness, it’s eating me alive.

It feels like an empty hole that I just can’t seem to fill. A want for something, but I just don’t know what that something is.

I used to be scared of turning off the lights at night. But laying there letting my mind wander, that’s when things really start to get dark.

- Sara

Sitting on the couch, time feels frozen. Could it just stay like this forever? Never having to get up to be a part of the real world. The coffee isn’t working, and time keeps passing.

- Sara

Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of caring anymore. Caring about people, caring about anything really. Because everything has an end, no matter how much you don’t want it to. And the more you care, the more it’s just going to hurt when the inevitable comes.

- Sara

You know what I hate the most? That sometimes, even when I’m with some of the people I love being around, I find myself lost in my thoughts. Unable to really be in the moment. Spacing out, and thinking about how lost I feel, and how everything just seems to overwhelm me. And even if I was just having a great time, all of a sudden I just want to go home and be alone.

- Sara

And it’s in those moments, when I’m just sitting there looking off into space, feeling nothing, that I realize it’s bad again. I’ve gotten so used to the waves that sometimes I don’t even realize what’s good or bad anymore.

- Sara

If I could see you today,

I tell myself I would tell you how much you’ve hurt me. How often I stayed awake all night crying over you. How often I looked in the crowds and my heart would break when I didn’t see your face. I would tell you about how it felt to wait by the door all day for you to never show up. How it felt leaving voicemails, to never get a call back. Making sure you knew that I am so mad at you for leaving me when I needed you.

But I know that really if could see you today, just one more time, I would just tell you much I miss you.

- Sara

Lately I’ve been wondering a lot about what’s the point of it all. Like why are we all just walking around following these silly rules and caring so much about what other people think. Doing things that make us unhappy, and being around people that make us unhappy. And for what? What’s the point, you know?

But that got me thinking maybe I need to start doing the things I want, and being around the people that make me feel good about myself. I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my life away trying to be the person that I thought I needed to be, doing things that I thought I needed to be doing. I thought that it was going to make me feel better, make everything better. But here I am now, not feeling any greater, and I’m starting to realize that that persona I’ve built in my head, is never going to be me. And the more I try, the worse I feel. And I’ve decided that maybe there isn’t really a point to all of this at all. That really it doesn’t matter what you do. So I might as well not waste my time doing anything but exactly what I want to be doing.

- Sara

While waiting to be happy in the future, I’m worried I’ll forget how to be happy in the now.

- Sara

And today I felt it again. You know that feeling where you can’t breath, can’t think, because you just want that something. That something to just numb it all. That something you know will just make it all go away. And it seems so easy, but it isn’t, and it’s making me crazy. Maybe I am crazy.

- Sara

I’ve gotten so good at never thinking about things, pushing them away, that sometimes I almost forget.

But I can’t forget forever. Eventually something always makes me remember, and then it feels like its happening all over again.

- Sara

Up all night again, tossing and turning and just not getting comfortable. Getting up every two hours just to try to make myself tired enough to fall asleep. Finally feel some peace. Finally not have to think about everything. Sleep was the only escape I really had, and now I barely even have that.

- Sara

And I can feel it again. That familiar blur, the fogginess, the heaviness on my chest. It feels like my whole body is getting weighed down. It’s like I’m in a bad dream and just need to wake up. But there is no waking up, I’m stuck here. Stuck being awake but not really conscious. Lost in my thoughts, reminding me of how I’ll never be normal, never be truly happy.

It’s crazy how a few good weeks can make it seem like it’ll be ok forever. Almost made me forget how bad it feels, how horrible it feels.

- Sara

Sometimes it’s scary when things seem to finally be working out, when I’m finally feeling alright again. Like how long is this going to last? How much longer until it gets bad again?

I’m tired of living in a cycle of things going so good until they aren’t. Getting my hopes up for nothing. Feeling like everything is finally going to be okay, to just get stuck back in that same low spot all over again.

I wish I could just be happy with how everything is, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s not going to last, because it never has before.

- Sara

I’ve never been a touchy person, much of a hugger.

But laying there with his arms around me, something felt so right, like it was exactly where I was supposed to be.

And if I could pick any moment to stay in forever, it would be an easy choice.

- Sara

I was jealous of how it seemed you could easily get close to anyone, could talk about your feelings, could handle your emotions.

You were jealous of how I seemed to never get tired, how I was always trying new things, running around meeting new people.

But in reality, your emotions were tearing you apart inside and you were just pretending. I was mentally drained, just trying to distact myself from reality. It’s funny how jealousy works like that.

- Sara

My sister said I always fall for people who seem to have almost as many issues as I do. Maybe I just like to be understood. Maybe it’s nice not to feel all alone in this craziness. Maybe I’m over thinking everything. Or maybe I just need to stop mistaking shared trauma for compatibility.

- Sara

It’s those lingering thoughts that drive me mad

That nothing really matters, no one really cares, it’s really not going to be worth it, it’s really never going to get better

The pulse in my left wrist pounding harder and harder

I can’t seem to stop thinking about that silver knife in the kitchen

Thinking about how easy it would all be, how quick it could all be

Please just let me turn it all off

Fuck it’s driving me mad.

- Sara

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