Oh joy. It's Christmas and I want to cease to exist. I feel so fucking trapped, and unbearably unwanted. I just want someone to notice me, and to perhaps even care. I wish I was someone people thought of and wanted to do/give nice things for/to. But I'm not, and that is so fucking hard to live with. I hate Christmas. I don't feel like I exist. I told the one friend I have at college about how depressing I find the whole thing, and she gave me a few presents. If it weren't for her I'd have nothing. One person. I don't feel worth anything at all. I can't even put into words how alone I feel. Another thing getting to me which I think I need to get out there (other than how unwanted I am, and how invisible and sometimes used I feel in the fandom when people do notice me) is the fact that there are two people I used to be friends with who suddenly stopped talking to me. One hurt less than the other, although it still hurt. We'd talk quite a bit, but not as much as I did with the other person. It's been a few months now (with both of them) and I don't know what I did wrong. I can't understand it. Every time I start to wonder why, it ends up hurting too much. Obviously I wasn't good enough. I tried to be supportive and a good friend, I kept quiet about the things upsetting me most of the time, because I knew they probably didn't want to hear it... but still, in the middle of a conversation, they just... stopped. Real life, stress and anxiety can sometimes get in the way, but I thought they knew I'd still be there for them. So... they just don't want me. (They also gave me the most amazing gifts for my birthday, one of which was handmade, which confuses me even more because I know it took time and they did it specially for me, so...) The thing I find hardest to deal with, right now at least, is the fact that I still think about this person. I hope they're happy and safe, and that work is less stressful. I hope they're in good health and are surrounded by caring friends and enjoy everything they do. I want them to be okay. And they... they don't think about me at all. They're probably never going to see this. That's fine. This is just me finally admitting how much I miss them, and hoping everything will start to hurt less. (And I mean everything because, this issue aside, a lot of things are still hurting me, including myself).
origamiaround
stormborns
dailybridgerton
areudirty
