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An Impossible Choice

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Chapter: 3/? Fandom: Voltron: Legendary Defender Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Lance/Pidge | Katie Holt Characters: Lance (Voltron), Pidge | Katie Holt, Keith (Voltron), Shiro (Voltron), Coran (Voltron) Additional Tags: Torture, Hurt Lance (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Psychological Torture, Angst, Langst, POV Lance (Voltron), Plance, Plangst, Physical Torture Summary:

"What I woke to was not ideal, I’ll be honest, but it was much better than what I’d been expecting. First of all, I was alive, so that was a plus in my book. I mean, me being alive was a plus in anyone’s book, right? Secondly, aside from a splitting headache and a few scrapes and bruises, I was fine. I wasn’t bleeding out on the desolate desert landscape from my most recent memory, which would’ve sucked. So yeah, all in all, even though I was strapped to a hard metal chair in complete darkness without a clue where I was, things could be a lot suckier."

---

When Lance and Pidge are captured, Pidge is forced to make an impossible choice: help the Galrans murder millions or watch Lance suffer.

----------------------

“Pidge, you should rest,” Shiro’s hand on her shoulder stirred Pidge from her dazed state. It took her a few extra moments to process any coherent meaning to his words. She scowled when she did.

“I am resting,” She said, curling further into her blanket and shifting to a more agreeable position propped up against Lance’s healing pod. Her shoulder still ached incessantly, and it was hard to get comfortable. Shiro gave her a dubious look from his position crouched in front of her.

“Pidge,” Shiro said, his gentle tone grating on Pidge’s nerves, “You need proper sleep. In a bed. I promise I’ll come get you when he wakes up.”

“I’m fine right here,” Pidge said shifting again to a passably reclined position, but not quite willing to go horizontal. If she did, she might actually fall all the way asleep and miss something important with Lance’s pod. Or worse, fall into one of her nightmares.

Shiro studied her for a moment before finally letting out a defeated sigh. “You know being here won’t make him heal any faster,” his tone said he didn’t expect an actual answer from her, and Pidge was more than happy not to provide one. He ran his flesh and bone arm through his hair before sighing again, apparently coming to a decision. “Right, then. Make room,” he said, unfurling a blanket of his own that Pidge hadn’t even noticed he was holding.

He didn’t give her the option of objecting, taking up position next to her, leaving enough space for her comfort, but making it clear he was there for the duration. His body was a natural barrier against the chill castle air that wasn’t entirely unwelcome. Still, Pidge kept her gaze fixed on the floor in front of her, afraid to see Shiro’s concerned expression. Instead, she continued her futile exercise in counting the miniscule dots that were only visible as close to the floor as she and Shiro were at the moment. It was about as effective as every other attempt she’d made to distract herself.

“Allura said it may take him another day or so before he recovers enough to leave the pod,” Shiro said, almost conversationally after a few minutes of silence.

“Actually, he has another...” Pidge glanced at the tablet she had propped on her knees, “...Nineteen point zero three vargas before his estimated wake time...give or take.” She added weakly after glancing up to see Shiro’s brows crease.

“You really have everything down to a science, don’t you?” He said, a hint of admiration in his tone, “Just don’t...don’t put too much on yourself. I’ve seen you accomplish the impossible, but sometimes it’s good to slow down. Even at times like now. Maybe especially at times like now.”

Pidge grunted noncommittally at that, surreptitiously tilting her tablet slightly away from Shiro. She didn’t want him to see that she was studying the scan of his arm that she had stored away. She was in the planning stages still, but she thought maybe she could design something to help Lance once he was awake.

If he even wanted to talk to her when he woke up.

She swallowed against the tightness in her throat, shaking her head to try and bring back some focus to her sluggish thoughts. Shiro’s breathing had deepened to the deep steady pace of sleep when Pidge finally had something workable started. Once she was sure Lance woke up, she’d talk to Hunk about helping her make her ideas a reality.

She could feel her own exhaustion pulling her closer and closer to unconsciousness. She hadn’t even realized she’d fallen asleep until a familiar beeping warning sound disturbed her light slumber. She woke with a gasp, horrific images from her nightmare fading too slowly to the back of her mind as she tried to make sense of the reality she’d woken back to.

She glanced down at her tablet to see it was her alert that Lance was close to waking up. She scrambled out of her blanket nest to peer into Lance’s pod. To her relief, Lance was still inside, face slack with the aloofness of artificially induced slumber. Seeing his annoying face awake again would be a welcome change after so much lifelessness.

And the thought of seeing Lance awake, though, Pidge felt her stomach drop down to her knees, the sickening sensation making her vision swirl. Breathing was suddenly a chore she had to focus on to continue. She couldn’t be here when Lance woke up. If she was here, he’d see her, and she was afraid of what he would say. She wasn’t stupid enough to believe she could avoid the confrontation forever, but she couldn’t help it.

Before she even realized what she was doing, she fled down the hall, her bare feet pounding against the hard metal of the castle floor. She was only vaguely aware of where she was going, her every ounce of waning brainpower devoted to the overriding fear that pushed her forward. It was fueled the certainty that she was the absolute worst person Lance could wake up to. Especially as weak as he was. He needed some time and space to be allowed to...recover. Hadn’t Allura said so? And in the meantime, she'd work on her prototype to help him. Fixing things. Building things. That was what she was good at. Facing the person she’d condemned to torture? Not so much.

“Pidge!” Hunk’s familiar voice caught her off guard, and she froze automatically, realizing she’d run straight to what she’d come to think of as her and Hunk’s workroom.

“Hunk,” she said, not quite managing to disguise her heavy panting at her recent exertion. She was more out of breath than this short run should have made her, and she wasn’t cognizant enough to process why.

“What's wrong?” Hunk asked, taking in her disheveled, anxious appearance. His eyes widened and he shot up from his seat. “Oh, no. Is it Lance?”

“No! No.” She assured Hunk as she struggled to recollect her breath with her thoughts. “No. He's...well, he's as fine we could hope, considering. I just…”

Hunk, walked out from behind his workbench, his brows only unknitting slightly as his fear for Lance turned into concern for her. “What? What is it?” He gently prodded.

Pidge took in one extra long gulp of air. “I just needed to get away for a little bit. I...I need something else to focus on. Actually, I was wondering if you could help me.” She wasn't exactly lying per se, just expertly skirting the underlying truth.

“Sure, Pidge. Of course, I'll help. What with?” As Hunk finally approached her, standing so close, she could see deep bags underscoring his eyes. It reinforced her decision not to tell him the whole truth. Even if Hunk was one of the easiest people to talk to, he was clearly already under a lot of strain. She wasn't going to unload all her personal baggage on him right now.

“Thank you, Hunk,” Pidge gave him a tired smile. Then she lifted her tablet to show Hunk the beginnings of her designs. “I was working on this for Lance, but I need your expertise.”

Hunk’s features finally softened into a smile. “I guess great minds do think alike. Come here, look at what I have so far. Human anatomy wasn’t exactly my focus at the Garrison. Maybe between the two of us, we can piece something together.”

As Pidge followed him to the workbench, she felt the familiar pull of a clear and present problem loosen a few of the dozens of knots in her stomach. Within minutes, the two of them fell easily into the back and forth that had never failed to lead them down exciting paths.

“Oh, of course!” Pidge exclaimed after looking over the concept for an artificial tendon design Hunk showed her, “I was so worried about the mobile power source, I didn’t even think of that!”

Hunk chuckled shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Heh, yeah. I honestly hadn’t gotten to the whole power problem yet, so it’s a good thing you’re here.”

“Are you kidding? This is genius!” Pidge said, jabbing a finger at the display between them, “I mean, sure, we’ll still have to figure out how to make it look nice and pretty on the outside while still accommodating for the flexibility of these joints here, but it’s a really good start.”

“Yeah, Lance is kinda picky about his aesthetics, isn’t he?” Hunk laughed, “Maybe we can incorporate your glowy power source to make an Iron Man inspired design.”

“Hmm, good idea, but I honestly think he’s more of a Black Widow fan,” Pidge said, “I mean, last time-”

Pidge felt the beginnings of the first real smile she’d managed since her and Lance’s rescue evaporate. She felt sideswiped at the guilty realization that she’d actually started enjoying herself for a moment. Her expression shuttered and she glanced away from Hunk, trying to decide the best way to change the subject.

She was saved from any clumsy transitions by the sound of Shiro’s voice coming in through the castle speakers. “Paladins. Lance is awake. As you all know, he’s still not going to be at 100%, so we need to take it slow for now.”

“Aye aye, captain.” Hunk said, locking the screen with their designs on it, “On our way!” Hunk was already halfway to the entrance before he stopped and glanced over his shoulder. “Pidge, you coming?”

Pidge hardly heard his words over her pounding heart and churning thoughts. No matter how hard she tried to shut out the images, she kept flashing back to Lance’s face twisted with mindless agony and horror as his inhuman screams filled her ears. Look what you’re doing to him. The echoes of her nightmares whispered at her.

“I...I-uh need to grab something from my room. I’ll be a sec,” Pidge said before she rushed away without waiting for Hunk’s reaction.

Just remember, Green Paladín, you did this to him.

----

My second time stepping out of a healing pod wasn’t any less disorienting than the first. And I use the term “stepping” pretty loosely. It was more like a half-drunk lurching that accomplished close enough to the same thing. This time, though, I fell immediately into a pair of warm, waiting arms that helped guide me to a soft, pillow mountain.

I sank down with a grateful sigh, trying briefly to force my rubbery limbs into a less ragdoll position, but giving up almost right away. Every part of me still ached. And not just that, there was a pulsing, persistent pain radiating from my midsection. Even that small assisted trip from the pod to a chair had winded me, and it took me an embarrassingly long time to finally catch my breath. When the world around me stopped spinning so much, I turned to my helper and squinted at him.

“Shiro?” I asked, and I was relieved to feel that my voice was no longer scraped raw.

Shiro’s worn face entered my field of vision and creased into a smile, “Yeah, Lance, it’s me.”

I did my best to smile but if I looked as bad as I felt, it was probably a good thing I couldn't see the end result of my efforts just then. I screwed up my face, thinking. “Then...that really wasn't a hallucination...you guys actually came…” my heartbeat quickened. “And...that means everything else…” Oh, God. Not again. “Pidge!” I shot up out of my cushion nest, using my arms to propel myself upright and regretted it immediately. Before I could even get halfway out, a stab of pain flared up from my right hand and I let out an involuntary gasp.

Shiro put a staying hand on my shoulder.

“Whoah, whoah. Relax, Lance. Everything’s fine. Pidge is fine. But you need to take it easy. You still have a lot of recovering to do.”

My heart was still hammering in my skull, but Shiro’s soothing tones and insistence that Pidge was fine slowly convinced me to lie back down. I gripped my right wrist, careful to avoid the hand itself. I did my best to concentrate on just breathing and trying to get my body to stop shaking, but it was easier said than done as memories of Pidge and my capture snapped into place with unnerving clarity. Just the memories alone were enough to send pinpricks of icy sweat trickling down the back of my neck.

All the while, Shiro sat patiently, a comforting hand resting on my shoulder. I felt myself flush with shame, and I had to look away when he gave me a grim smile of encouragement. Here I was, falling to pieces after my short stint in Galran hands, and Shiro had endured much worse for a lot longer. Yet he was the one, solid and strong as ever, lending a hand at my side.

“Shiro, what happened? How did you guys manage to find us? I thought we were going to-” I paused, still focusing on evening out my breath with my words bursting through the seams of my otherwise haphazardly constrained anxiety, “The last thing I remember was you, and Keith and...and was Coran really there? Was that even real? I don’t-”

“Whoah, easy now,” Shiro said, and gave me a reassuring smile, “Take it slow. I promise I’ll answer all your questions.”

I ground my teeth, willing myself to calm down. I needed to get a grip.

I was cradling my injured hand, curling around the limb. It hurt way more than I would’ve guessed it would, seeing as I’d just spent who knew how long in a healing pod. Even after surviving the explosion during Sendak’s invasion, I hadn’t been hurting when I’d finally stepped out of the healing pod. Exhausted, dizzy, and slightly nauseous, yes, but not in any pain.

I shoved all those thoughts aside though, my very real fear for Pidge outweighing my vague worry about the healing pods. ”Where’s Pidge?” I asked, “Is she…is she okay?”

“Pidge is fine.” Shiro repeated, “Why don’t you lie back down? I’ll call the rest of the team back down here if you’re up for it?”

Normally the answer to that would be a no-brainer. But just as I sucked in a breath to tell Shiro how I was born ready, I stopped short. Was I really ready to see everyone after the mess I’d made?

I shook my head inwardly. I was being dumb. Of course, I was ready. I was overthinking things. I glanced guiltily at Shiro, who looked even more worried at my hesitation. I really did need to get a grip. I forced my face into the shape of a smile, even as my muscles protested like they’d forgotten how a smile worked.

“Yeah.” I said, injecting my voice with the confidence that had carried me from my Garrison days all the way to Voltron, “I’d never say no to some glory basking,” I paused as if a thought just occurred to me, “I wonder if alien chicks also dig a wounded hero…”

Shiro’s strained features finally smoothed slightly into a look a fond tolerance. “I wouldn’t know,” was all he said. He stepped away to grab his helmet, which was resting on the other side of the couch and spoke something I couldn’t make out into his com.

It wasn’t long before I heard a very welcome voice greeting me from the entryway. “Lance!” Hunk shouted, face lighting up when his eyes found me. I sat back up with an exciting start, and this time I barely noticed the twinge in my stomach.

“Hey, buddy,” I said, feeling a weird catch in my throat that I most definitely didn’t see coming. It was like his simple, undeniable delight at seeing me of all people coming so soon after my recent experiences set something off in me. I did my best to smother my traitorous tremors as Hunk enveloped me in the world’s most gentle hug. Which was kind of weird, coming from Hunk, almost like he was afraid of breaking me if he hugged too hard. I tightened my own grip on him, and Hunk instantly took that for the permission it was and tightened his hold.

I swallowed against a fresh wave of pain his embrace ignited in my stomach, afraid he’d let go if I let on how much it hurt. One Hunk hug was worth all the pain in the world.

“Hunk, careful. Lance isn’t fully recovered yet.” I heard our new arrival, Allura, cut in. Hunk instantly jerked back.

“Oh man, sorry,” he said, fluttering his hands anxiously like he wasn’t sure what to do with the now apparently dangerous things attached to him, “Did I hurt you?”

“Psh! Couldn’t even if you tried,” I lied, forcing myself to stay casually upright instead of collapsing back into my pillow nest like I really wanted to. “How’s it going, Princess?”

Allura gave me a weary smile in return, her normally rigid posture deflated ever-so-slightly by exhaustion. “Hello, Lance,” she said, “It’s good to see you awake.”

“Likewise,” I said, feeling a surge of warmth color my cheeks at the sight of her genuine concern.

“I apologize for the mediocre healing,” she said, eyes shifting away from mine, “The healing pods aren’t up to full capacity after the escape. I had to divert all remaining resources getting us away from the stronghold…”

The guilt I’d managed to pin down until that moment twisted in my gut.

“A fortunate thing you did, too,” Coran said from where he and Keith now stood behind her, “We would’ve been chum for a meeblesnort if you hadn’t gotten us out of there when you did.”

“Yes..” Allura said, still not quite meeting my eyes, which only made my guilt twist that much harder. “At a not insignificant cost.”

Her eyes slid to my bandaged right hand, which I’d been doing a pretty good job of ignoring, thank you very much. I glanced down too and shied back from a gaping maw of unpleasant emotions that threatened eat away at my insides. All at once, everyone tried very hard not to stare, and I felt a mounting tension make the air thick and heavy in my lungs. Everyone was intensely focused on not being too focused on the one thing we were all focused on.

I was panicking, and so I said the first thing that popped into my head.

“Oh, you mean this?” I asked, flopping the limb everyone in the room was determinedly not staring at, “Yeah, so some Galran lady got a little carried away with a knife, but it could’ve been a lot worse. I’m just taking it as a lesson in how not to use sharp pointy things. Maybe something you should think about, Blade Boy.” I shot Keith a superior look. There. That was a nice touch. It might do the trick.

Instead of giving me his usual irritated look, though, Keith thinned his mouth into a grim line, his arms crossed. If I wasn’t worried about accidentally jarring my hand, I would’ve crossed my own arms.

“Lance,” Hunk started, apparently unconvinced by my Oscar-worthy performance. “You don’t have to-”

“By the way, what’s taking Pidge so long?” I bulldozed over my friend, pretending not to hear him.

Hunk frowned, but he apparently decided he’d let my subject change fly, because he replied, “She said she had to get something from her room. She should be here any second now.”

The prospect sucker-punched me with gut-clenching fear. Another thing I hadn’t seen coming. “...Good.” Was all I managed to say through my constricting throat. Why was I suddenly so scared of seeing Pidge when not even a few minutes ago I’d been freaking out at her absence?

“So…” I said, swallowing hard. “What all happened?” Maybe, if the others were talking when Pidge came in, I’d be spared from having to make any direct contact with her for that much longer.

“Well, we managed to outmaneuver the Galran force like we planned,” Keith said, apparently more comfortable with the less touchy-feely direction of the conversation. “But when you and Pidge didn’t show up at the rendezvous point after a few hours, we knew something must’ve gone wrong....” Keith had paused for a second as if the others were still apparently waiting for more details.

Yeah, I went wrong, I thought. I couldn’t quite make myself say the words out loud, though.

“So then you guys staged an epic rescue. Complete with flying swords.” I said, trying to move the recap along. “Pretty dumb way to use a sword, by the way. I still stand by what I said about knife safety.”

Keith rolled his eyes at that. “Hey, it worked, didn’t it?”

“Point.” I conceded, then, just because he smirked at that, I added, “Still dumb.”

“We’re just glad we found you,” Shiro said, “If it wasn’t for Hunk we would’ve never been able to unmask their cloaking technology to find you.”

“Looks like I owe you another one, Hunk,” I said, shooting my friend a grateful look.

“Ah, no,” Hunk said, holding up a hand as if to block my praise, “It was mostly just me expanding on something Pidge had already done most of the work for. It wasn’t much.”

“Hunk, my friend, you are way too humble sometimes, you know that?” I said, shaking my head with a world-weary sigh. I didn’t anticipate that doing so would make the whole world suddenly tilt dangerously.

“Lance!” Shiro said. I felt his arms on my back, but it was hard to tell exactly which way was up for another few seconds as my vision finally settled back down. Once it did, I realized I was back to leaning against the pillows as Shiro slipped his hands out from under me.

“Well, that was a trip,” I mumbled.

“Okay,” Shiro said, “I think it’s time for some rest.”

“I still haven’t said hi to Pidge,” I protested, but I wasn’t brave enough to make a move to sit back up. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to pull it off again.

“You really do look like you could use some rest.” Hunk said.

I glared at him. “Now you’re just being rude,” I said. But it was hard to put enough annoyance in my voice to be convincing. Already, with my body resting so comfortably against the pile of pillows, I could feel myself drifting, my whole body feeling like it was being absorbed into the couch. I was way more tired than I realized.

“Pidge must’ve got held up,” Hunk said, “I’m sure she’ll be around to see you first thing when you wake up again.”

“Hmm…” I said, eyelids already drooping further downward, “But I’m not...that tired...” And I drifted off to sleep.

---

Pidge didn’t show up when I woke up the next time. And she didn’t show up the time after that, either. I kept drifting off and jolting back awake after only brief periods of sleep. By my third time waking up, I was starting to feel less and less dizzy, and more and more worried. Are the others hiding something from me? Is she really okay? I wondered. But no, I’d heard Shiro talking with her on his comm, and even to protect my feelings, I don’t think he would go that far. At least, I was mostly sure. But no matter when I woke up, it seemed like she was in the middle of something.

And pretty soon after that conclusion, I was forced to acknowledge another possibility: Pidge was avoiding me.

I felt like an idiot for not realizing it sooner. Of course, she was avoiding me. Could I really blame her? She deserved her space, and I should count myself lucky she hadn’t told everyone how much of a screw-up I was. Maybe she was waiting for me to tell everyone the ugly truth. Maybe she was deciding what to do. And why wasn’t I more relieved, anyway? Hadn’t I been afraid to see her again? Still, I couldn’t help the small thread of hurt that stitched itself into every thought in her direction. And even though I tried really hard to distract myself, my thoughts always circled back to her.

“Morning, Lance,” Hunk greeted me cheerfully during one of my funks. I was sitting up and fiddling with the edges of my bandage, staring at the dots on the castle floor but not really seeing them. I only distantly felt the gentle brush of one of the mice’s whiskers on my neck as it groomed the short hairs there, another sleeping on my shoulder. The other two were conspicuously absent from the normally inseparable quartet. Hunk took a seat at my side. “I figured you’d probably be hungry by now, so I brought you some goo.”

“Oh,” I said, trying to shake off my depressing thoughts. Even if I didn’t feel like eating, I was actually pretty hungry. “Thanks, man.”

Hunk misinterpreted my lack of enthusiasm, “I know, not the greatest, sorry. Once we’re able to stop, I’ll see if I can get some stuff to make you some soup.”

“Yeah, that would be nice,” I said, trying to drum up some energy to return Hunk’s friendliness. I must’ve scraped the bottom of the barrel of my reserves, though, because I couldn’t seem to muster enough to even smile back at him. Hunk’s face fell as he held out the bowl of food goo for me. I reached over to take it with my right hand, only to stop mid-motion, my bandaged limb froze in mid-air. My face great hot, as I jerked my hand back to take the bowl with my other one.

I balanced the bowl between my knees and did my best to pretend I ate without the use of my dominant hand every day. I managed to ignore Hunk’s concerned expression for only a little while, though.

“So…” Hunk started, “How, uh, how’d you sleep? Shiro told me you kept waking up before I took over watch.”

My first instinct was to brush Hunk’s question off with the same bluster I’d been using so far. It hadn’t failed me up to that point. Yet whether it was my low mood, Hunk’s open expression, or some combination of the two, I don’t know; but I felt compelled to be honest with my best friend, if only for a moment.

“Honestly, Hunk? Not so great.” I said. I was too frozen with anxiety about his reaction to going any further than that.

Hunk seemed to sense the topic was only hanging by a thin line, because he spoke carefully, “Yeah? Any idea why?”

“I keep having these...dreams. About the…” I took a shaky breath, “About it .”

“Oh,” Hunk let out his own breath. His eyes met mine, searching, and I swallowed and closed my eyes against the vivid, ultra def memories that tried to replay themselves in my mind’s eye. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

“I know,” I said, “And I don’t.”

Hunk nodded in understanding, but I wasn’t fooled into thinking that would be the last of that unhappy conversation.

“Anyway,” I said, scooping another spoonful of food goo into my mouth, “I’ll be fine. I think I just need some time.”

“You will,” Hunk said, giving my arm a reassuring squeeze. “We’ve survived things I wouldn’t have thought possible only a year ago. We’ll get through this too. As a team. Like always.”

“Yeah,” I said woodenly, as, yet again, my thoughts circled back to Pidge. “A team. Like always.”

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