Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Violence and Abuse awareness and experience.
There are a handful of sensitive subjects pertaining to my personal life and general well being which I have felt silenced about for most of my years as a young and growing female, the content warning subject given being the biggest burden. I know there are many of you reading this right now who can and will relate to the same suppressed feeling I am going to bring to light whether the subject matter is different or not. Please forgive me in advance for creating any unwanted feelings you might experience through reading this going forward.
Below this post is a link to the Calgary Communities Against Sexual Abuse and Assault centre, which I suggest you and anyone you know may look into supporting. This is a vital, pressing issue within our city, our province, our country, and our world which I would like to address and encourage anyone today or anytime soon to take part in donating to this organization to help continue funding services of need for suffering victims and survivors of sexual assault and abuse.
In January of this year, I made a $500.00 contribution to CCASA. In November of last year I called this same centre and organization to receive long due help pertaining to childhood sexual abuse as well as ongoing sexual abuse I had dealt with in recent years of my young adulthood and within my last relationship. A lot of people have asked me with a negative connotation as to why I have donated to a centre I'm looking to receive help from and it reminds me of the same questions I get asked on a daily basis regarding people wondering "why" I do the things that I do. "Why" do I participate in workshops and services at The Women's Centre where I volunteer?, or why I am currently working on and putting several hours into a theatre production for disabled children as a choice of volunteer work as opposed to working in theatre where I can get paid? I get asked a lot of "why's?" regarding the choices I make in life especially pertaining to helping others when my answer is almost identical with all questions asked; stating that we live in a time, a place, a society and world of people suffering, suppressed and oppressed absolutely everywhere and I am in dire need to help these people as much as I am in dire need to help myself.
When I called CCASA last November, I was in a detrimental state of needing assistance and was admitted within two months for therapy when I was told the wait list on average was 10 months. This was a horrifying fact to me, thoughts circulating in my mind about how many people - most especially women, in Calgary alone are suffering from sexual assault and sexual abuse, on this crucial wait list to receive help. Two months felt like a century for me when all I needed was someone to talk to and let me know that I will make it through physical, psychological and emotional pain I endure every moment of every day which I had also been suppressing and neglecting for many years - contributing to further abuse occurring when not recognizing it wasn't okay within the situations due my lack of knowledge, my lack of care for my well being and previous occurring trauma which inhibited me to understand otherwise.
Outside of my own suffering and healing, I worry most about other people. The other women and men who have experienced or are experiencing any form of abuse in their life, especially if they are unaware that it is abuse.
While I am wanting to post this to create awareness of sexual violence, sexual assault and abuse, I want to create awareness about any form of abuse in any sense and make a public statement of my commitment to help anyone experiencing this within their life. I want to make a point of stating how vital it is to reach out and seek assistance regarding these life altering and threatening circumstances. I don't enjoy the idea of forcing pressing matters on people, but if it means you are under distress, heartache and pain, I encourage anyone to take a stand against their suffering and to please speak up.
I made the decision to fully, wholeheartedly, and outwardly speak up about my experiences recently as a result of going through a dislodgement of my IUD which caused an unknown pregnancy and miscarriage in result led to long hospitalization visits with the outcome being a scheduled hysterectomy this summer if I want to live and survive comfortably because my body, my reproductive system in particular had been through previous and current significant trauma as a result of sexual abuse. As extreme as it sounds, I felt as though I had been given a shitty ultimatum between slowly dying or hopefully live comfortably at least in a physical sense without the privilege of having children after this surgery. Always a dream of mine which could be apparently, beneficially, taken away.
A lot of people are asking me why it's taken me so long to fully express every ounce of my experience with this abuse and my abuse overtime in general. I can't tell you or anyone else much outside of the mental devastation childhood sexual abuse has given me over the years and how incredibly silenced it has made me feel. No sexual abuse of any kind is easy to open up about, especially not when you were 11 years old. While I have a plethora of family and friend support who were aware of this at the time of my first incident and as I got older, I still remained quiet regarding many of my feelings and struggles with moving forward from this. As I got older it became apparent that as I endured the pain of feeling shame, embarrassed, judgement, developing significant body image and insecurity issues, a lack of self esteem and a lack of normalcy in life with more trauma occurring - I would be diagnosed with PTSD, quite obviously develop chronic depression and bouts of suicide through different periods of time in my life. I have never experienced the feeling of suicide as much as I have this past year in my most recent sexual abuse case which was ongoing with my last partner.
After losing dignity, self respect, self love and care (whereas I do question if I ever had any of this before) and regaining some of this back trying very hard over the years to recognize that just because I've experienced multiple cases of sexual assault and abuse does not mean it was my fault. The second I came to a place of acceptance that nearly all of this was out of my control, I have been moving forward on the path of healing. There are things that have made me feel inhibited towards moving forward though, and I fight it every day. A lot of things pertain to people questioning against my experience and who I am now as a person because of it whether they are aware of my trauma and stories or not. When people ask why I am so sensitive?, why am I over emotional?, why do I care so much about political and worldly issues?, why do I fill my time with self care work instead of doing mindless activities which would probably make me happier? (when people have no fucking idea what would and what does make me happy), why do I burn the candle at both ends? (when really I am scared to sit in silence or laziness for fear of getting trapped in my thoughts and anxieties of trauma again), why don't I drink 5 nights a week with my friends anymore and continue to ignore my problems? (again, my problems, not yours).. again and again and again.. a lot of completely ignorant questioning of "why?". Another of these great questionings I get asked frequently with a negative connotation is "why are you a feminist?", an inquiry which quite regularly correlates with my abuse and even when it doesn't, I remember what has made me continue growing into a intersectional feminist. This is my favorite reoccurring question of the year next to my constant questioning of "well why didn't you just tell somebody the first time you were raped?". The oh-so-ever ultra victim blaming thought provoking interrogation and yet again, shame and judgement stomach stabbing to the survivor question embedded in our brains as a normalization of rape culture and believing rape is 90% of the time the victims fault..
I am a feminist because I am in recognition that through years of hard work we have placed into creating equality between men and women we still lack significantly. We lack equality when I have to lie and tell a man I have boyfriend so he will stop hitting on me and for hopeful thought that I won't be sexually assaulted or harassed yet again by telling him so. If I say the same about a woman and state I am with a woman (I have tried this on multiple occasions before) I am still perpetually harassed. A perfect example of how the man respect the men and men don't always respect the women. I am a feminist because through multiple experiences of sexual abuse I have been through with my previous partners I have been told by them and their male companions that what my partner did was not his fault, but I had severe sexual trauma occur prior which "naturally" led me into receiving more because I didn't know right from wrong. Women don't tell me this, men tell me this. I stick up for believing in feminism when a man tells me I can't possibly have the same strong emotional, physical and mental qualities and abilities as him simply because I am a woman. This is torturing to hear as a survivor or not, when I'd like to ask that same man if he has ever been raped repeatedly by their partner to the point of reproductive dysfunction and being taken away privilege to be a birthing parent because that person had to fill their sexual niche in you over and over again, ruining a significant part of your life. I am a feminist because outside of these few small examples when I could give you a list of 100 more, I ultimately recognize that women have been oppressed since the beginning of time and even though it's the year of 2017 where I would like to say we have made thorough changes regarding equality and taking a stand for women who have been swept under the rug, we are still in the process making this happen, putting this into ongoing effect. I have every right and reason to be a shining feminist most especially due to my circumstances, but all of you have this right and reason being male or female with trauma related in your life or not. There are a lot of people who choose not to engage in feminism simply because of the frightening stigma against the the term, but even worse, for fear of education and becoming a part of a strong movement when it feels safe and comfortable to not engage at all. Believe me, I am all too familiar with this due to different regards stated above. However.. knowledge is power and I encourage all of you to learn about some of these subjects today to at least understand the oppressed side of women and humans in need (shout out to one of the dearest communities to my heart in struggle, the LGBTQ community and any other struggling community right now) let alone have provoked thought as to why their is a superb movement of feminism, equal rights, breaking the stigma against mental health and breaking taboo against discussing sexual violence and abuse too.
While my therapist reminds me weekly that I didn't allow trauma to happen to me I struggle to keep this thought in mind. Every time I ask her "when is it over?" and she says that it doesn't truly end, but that this will always be a part of me I remember that the only thing holding me back from moving forward properly has been lacking education as to what was right from wrong pertaining to this manner which has defeated me over time. Believing in my abusers gas-lightning me, manipulating me and expressing that I am a worthless human being has created a significant amount of mental instability I am learning about and growing from today. Only now can I l truly begin rebuilding my life as a woman and as a human being while also taking charge against these issues.
Due to my situation, but regardless of it happening completely as well, I would like to loudly say, please do not wait to speak up about your abuse especially if it means going through a negative life changing experience which takes away any privilege you have as a human being. I could say so much more pertaining to the stress I have undergone and I want to shout about people seeking help on all levels of detriment and struggle in their life, but I will leave it at this - by pressing the advocacy of these issues daily, yet it still feels like it's never enough.
While I have always felt as though I was placed on this earth to meet a significant amount of humanitarian needs and to also be a mother, on July 11th this year, when I sit through my surgery to have my reproductive system completely removed, I will have one of these life-long planning, dream provoking privileges taken from me. In turn, I would never want to see anyone go through the pain of this complete mental fuckery I am currently going through.
Despite this circumstance, I will not give up on the amount of care and love my heart holds for the well being of others and human beings undergoing hardship. My arms are open to anyone in any form of pain pertaining to this subject or not. I am here for you. You are loved, valued and cared for as much as I am too.
Thank you for taking the time to read this very long, thorough post; realistically not even hitting half of the details I'd like to give to stress the importance of these matters. To sum up my experience via a facebook post is a horrible feeling. Please do not undermine me for how extensive my writing is pertaining to these life altering experiences. I hope that what I have given is enough in some manner and I hope this sparked a thought of encouragement in your minds as opposed to any sadness it has ever provoked in mine.
