Untitled @thisismyjourney2022 - Tumblr Blog

I'm at the park with the boys I watch and they are all hanging out in this area under the bridge.

A little girl came over to them and just started talking and playing with them. Not a care in the world, not a fear of rejection, nothing.

So much to learn from kids. They are the real teachers.

"And while it doesn't happen as often as it should, i love to write and i believe it's something i'm supposed to do."

Look at me go. Two entries in a matter of a few weeks. Sometimes, something just hits me and I need to write. I've been trying to catch up on my reading. I loved reading when I was younger. As an adult I still like it, yet I always find there is never enough time. Which is a lie. There is always plenty of time to find time for something that brings you joy.

Last weekend, I went into the city with my friend and we did some venturing. She brought me to a book store that had anything and everything you could imagine. I spotted a book title and I instantly picked up the book and knew that I had to buy it. The title is, "If you feel too much" OMG .

If you are a human, you need to read this book. After the first few pages, I felt something in my soul. I knew this book was going to change me. And it already has. I don't know what yet, exactly... but I know something is happening.

I am now writing this entry in my new favorite place. I came here for the first time on Monday and have been here a few times since. This place brings me peace, something about the vibe is comfortable. So I decided I was going to come here and write.

When I was reading last night I came across a passage in my book that I felt was meant for me. It screamed, "Chrissie, you need to read this."

"Wouldn't it be nice if change took just a moment?

Wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy?

Midnight and we're new. Midnight and the past erased. Midnight and we're free.

It seems to come slow. It seems to be a surgery.

Forgiveness. Healing. Sobriety. Letting go. Starting over.

It seems to happen slowly over time.

One day at a time, the choice made new each morning.

Will you fight?

Will you fight to be healthy?

Will you fight to be free?

Will you fight for your story?

Will you fight to get the help you need?

Change takes more than a moment, but maybe there's also something to this celebration of a moment, something to the way it speaks to us, something to the way that we fear it, and dream it to be true. Maybe it's the most honest moment of the year.

It's possible to change.

Welcome to midnight.

Here's to the possibilities."- If You Feel Too Much

I say more than I can count, how I need a change. I say, I am going to start doing this. Yet, I never do it. The idea of change in theory is an amazing and beautiful concept. YET the reality of change scares me to no end. I like to think I am strong and I can handle a lot. I have proved that to myself many times over. Yet this idea sends me into a sheer panic.

For me, change means the end of something. I need to rewire my thoughts and not think of it as an end, but the beginning of something beautiful. It is going to be scary, but after the scary moment passed, your smile shines brighter. You can show yourself that even though I was scared, even though it took everything in me to take that next step, the only thing that mattered was that you did it. You proved to yourself that you are worth it. You are worth the change. And we all know most of the time, change brings good. Change brings a sense of happiness, a sense of peace.

I have a lot of change that I want to do in my life. Looking for a new job, changing how my body looks, changing how I view myself. I am starting each one, and all together it is beyond overwhelming. I am slowly learning it is okay.

I am starting meditation this coming week. And the thought of that brings my body into a panic. I told the guy who will be teaching me that the idea of just closing my eyes is a struggle. I told him I have a lot of emotions deep down and that I am scared. But I am ready.

The fact that I am willing to admit I am scared yet I am doing it anyway shows growth. It shows me that I am ready. It shows me that I can do this.

So today, after you read this. I challenge you to make a change in something that you wanted to change for a while, but were to scared to.

What do you have to lose?

xoxo

Feelings are meant to be felt.

So I've been thinking about what I wanted to write about in this post for a few weeks. I feel like I have so much to say but when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. My emotions and feelings are constantly all over the place that it makes me dizzy. Some days they are up, some days they are down. But compared to my last post, things haven't been that bad since.(Thank goodness).

I woke up this morning at 1:30am for no reason. And the thought that was in my head was, "I want to know people's stories. I want to sit down and talk to people. I want to know where they came from, what they did, and what their feelings are."

People to me are fascinating.

We live in a world where we are afraid to show our true feelings and to show or share if we are having a tough time. Social media plays a big part in that, because everything on social media is supposed to be happy and sunshine and all good things. But as much as I wish life was like that, it's beyond unrealistic.

I am very open about my feelings and when I am going through a rough time(however, it hasn't always been that way) and it is something that I am proud of myself for doing.

My friend posted this quote on Instagram and it hit my soul so hard-

They asked her,

"What is real happiness?"

She answered,

"Happiness is not fulfilling every pleasure or getting every outcome you desire. Happiness is being about to enjoy life with a peaceful mind that is not constantly craving for more. It is the inner peace that comes with embracing change."- yung pueblo

I responded to her and went, "I'm trying to work on it... I've been feeling a lot of internal jealousy."

If jealousy is something that you have never felt before, than I am envious. It is a feeling that is horrible and something I would not want to wish on my worst enemy.

In my eyes, everyone seems to have it so much easier. Things seem to come so much easier for others than it does for me and I wonder why. I try my best to put good out into the world, yet everything just always feels hard. No matter how hard I am trying, someone is always doing it better. No matter how funny I think I am, someone is always funnier,etc.

I was talking to a friend who made me realize that just because something looks easy for others doesn't mean that they aren't struggling. And internally I know this, but it still doesn't stop the envious feeling in my soul from coming to the surface. It is something I am working on. My friend who posted that quote said that because I am able to acknowledge that feeling, it is a huge step.

"Love is a thousand things, but at the center is a choice. It is a choice to love people. Left to myself, I get quiet, I get bitter and critical. I get angry. I feel sorry for myself. It is a choice to love people. It is a choice to be kind. It is a choice to be patient, to be honest, to live with grace. I would like to start making better choices." -" If you feel too much"

I started reading this book, "If You Feel too Much" (peep the passage right above) and the first few pages were already tugging at my heart and emotions were building.

I used to think of myself as being too sensitive because I allow my feelings to show. I feel hurt or upset when someone hurts my feelings, I can sense when someone is acting differently. I feel my feelings, they are meant to be felt. "I'm 29 years old, I should have my shit together by now. I should be able to say goodbye without crying. I should be able to not need people. Or maybe this is okay, maybe this is the way that I was made, to feel things, to say thing. I don't know. "- "If you feel too much."

Everything about that passage screams my life right now, minus the being 29 years old part. I think it's a beautiful thing to need people. It does not make you weak, it makes you strong. If I didn't have the people I do that I can lean on when I am falling, I would not be here. And that is a fact.

I apologize for being too much sometimes. I say I'm sorry for bothering you with my problems. I need to stop. I would never want someone who was trusting me with their feelings to apologize. I will listen with intent. I will let you tell me the same thing 20x over and still act like it was the first time I heard it. Why is it so hard to allow yourself that same courtesy when someone is listening to you?(Does that make sense? In my head it does, written down, I'm not sure 😕)

I want to meet a stranger and listen to them. I want to know their story. I want them to hear mine. If you continue to read this blog, I thank you. Half the time I sit down not knowing what it is I am even going to say, yet I know that something needs to be said. I hope this makes sense, I hope this helps someone who is internally struggling. Someone who feels alone. You are not alone. I am here. I will listen. Even if we don't know each other. Even if we haven't spoken in 20 years. I don't care. Please reach out. You are worth it. Feel your feelings, the good and the bad.

xoxo

“When you don’t believe, let me believe. When you can’t do it, let people do it for you.”

So it has been quite some time since I did my last post. Life for the most part has been good. I was feeling good, I was happy. I was enjoying myself. But the last month went downhill real fast.

I’ve had my fair share of sad episodes but for some reason this episode hit harder than other times. I can’t pinpoint what exactly caused it, I don’t think you ever can. It is just like a switch that gets flipped and all emotions can overturned. It’s draining.

Everything felt impossible. The smallest thing felt like mountains and everything was just overwhelming.

I am thankful though that these episodes don’t come that often, but when they come it is rough to get out.

A big part of the reason why these episodes are so hard for me is because I always come out of them so much stronger and ready to concur the world, so when these episodes occur it upsets me how fast I can fall despite how hard I push forward to get out of it.

I am slowly getting myself out of it now. It’s been almost a month... the longest time an episode has lasted. I’ve felt like a lost soul with so many emotions yet felt so numb.

I am now allowing myself to feel all the feelings and I think it has been my own sort of therapy. I cry when I feel like I need to cry and I don’t hold it in like I normally have. I smile and laugh when I feel happy. And all those feelings are okay.

I think I just pushed down all the other feelings I was feeling (sadness, anger, etc) and just was happy and it became to much and all the emotions I was suppressing just exploded.

A few weeks ago I was supposed to have a training session with my trainer and I signed onto zoom and I started crying. We talked for a few minutes and we started the workout. A few minutes in my trainer goes are you crying or laughing? And with that I just broke down. I put down my weights and sat in my chair and just broke down. I cried online with him for 40 minutes. He talked mostly and I listened. I talked a few words only. It was one of the most therapeutic times that I’ve ever experienced in my life. Out of the whole conversation, these words stuck with me and continue to stick with me, “When you don’t believe, let me believe for you. When you can’t do it, let people do it for you.”

If I wasn’t crying before that, those words would have done me in.

We didn’t get any exercise in, but just having that time to feel my feelings was what I needed in that moment.

A friend of mine who I have recently gotten closer to, said to me, “I think you’re feeling what you’re feeling because you haven’t forgiven yourself for things. You need to begin celebrating the small things in your life because you earned those.”

One of the big things that I am celebrating is the fact that I am finally a college graduate. I received my bachelors degree in communications after many years of trying.

It is something that I am proud of, yet that little devil on my shoulder keeps saying, “Well it took you long enough, you’ve been in college since 2005. That’s 16 years of trying.”

Every time someone says congratulations to me, I say thank you. Finally. It’s about time.

WHY?

Why do I downplay the work I’ve done, all the years of trying. All the different schools and all the attempts it took me to get to this part?

My best friend came home from London a few weeks ago and she went, “I think the fact that it took you this long is more admirable than you just getting it when everyone else did. It showed how strong you are and how much hard work it took you. No matter what you never gave up. That is something to be proud of.”

I didn’t think about it like that, but after she said that I took a step back and thought to myself, “Yes, she’s right. I could have given up 10x over, but I kept going. If one program didn’t work, I tried another. I reached out for help when I needed it.”

Yesterday marked my half birthday.. I’ll be 35 in 6 months. I made a decision that I am going to use the next 6 months to cocoon myself and in 6 months come out as a beautiful butterfly. Emotionally, physically, all the above. I am vowing to myself and all of the internet(well whoever read this) that I am taking this summer and the months following it to gain back everything I let go. My self confidence, my happiness, my sunshine, my weight loss, everything.

I am excited, nervous, scared to see what the next 6 months bring. But I am ready. I have been going through my mind(which is draining) but I know what I want, and I will do ANYTHING I have to do get there. I deserve it. There will be tears, and there will be smiles. But in the end, I know I can do it. I’ve done it. I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and it’s time for me to take it back and prove to myself the strength I have within me.

Get your sunglasses ready, because I am going to shine.

“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me.”- Glennon Doyle

I am rereading a book(UNTAMED) that I’ve read about 4x and listened to on my books twice. Every time I read or listen to it, different passages scream out to me. It all depends on what I am dealing with at that moment in my life.

The particular passage that hit home for me this weekend was the title of this entry.

“The only thing that was ever wrong with me was my belief that there was something wrong with me.”

I’ve lived with this mindset for the last 21 years of my life. Since I was 13 years old. That is half of my life wasted because of the mentality that there is something wrong with me. The fact that I’ve never been in a relationship does do some royal damage to my self esteem and to the thoughts in my head about myself.

I text my friends more often that not asking what is wrong with me. And being friends, they will always say, there is nothing wrong with you. I could hear that 100x a day but if I don’t believe it within myself my outlook is never going to change.

I reached out to my old trainer and we have started back up training. He is someone I consider a friend(Hey Lance!) So he was the first person I reached out to when I struck this realization. (It was a long time coming) His first answer was, “There is NOTHING wrong with you!!!” (Which is exactly what I knew he was going to say) So when I explained my realization to him, he understood. His last words were, “So let’s keep going to work baby!!!!”

SIDE NOTE- Everyone needs a Lance in their life

After hearing that passage from the book something inside of me just woke up.

I’m a wonderful person. I am a good hearted, sweet, funny, caring person. I am a great friend. I am a good person.

Do I want a relationship? More than anything. BUT I need to stop thinking that I’m the reason I’m not in one. Does it make me sad? Yes. But I’m being the perfect version of who I am at this moment in time in my life. And one day someone will appreciate and love me for it.

I am a continuous journey of loving myself. Not everyday is easy, It’s going to be a daily battle. But I need to start believing in what I preach. And I need to change my wording. I don’t NEED to start believing, I WILL start believing.

And for the one that’s out there for me, “I ain’t sayin I’m perfect, but I promise I’m worth it.”

xoxo

Painful beauty

When I write new entries I usually send them to a few friends. One friend who I always send my posts to is my friend Carol. Let me explain Carol.

Carol, I met when I was 19 years old back when I went to school in Maryland. I’m not really sure how we met, couldn’t even tell you what our first conversation was. All I know is that when you meet Carol, your life is never the same. One of our shared interest were the boys on the basketball team. We both had our basketball boyfriend(haha) and they would be the reason for our attending the games. As the year went on our friendship grew and she became one of the best people to ever enter my life.

Fast forward 15 years(OMG) and even though we are over 300 miles apart, I in NJ and she in VA, our friendship is still strong. Since I left college in MD, in the 15 years that we have been friends, I think we have seen each other 5 times? Yet, I know that if I call her, or text her, nothing will be different. We have both tried to get ourselves out there in the world. She is a phenomenal speaker and a hilarious and beautiful storyteller. She has done shows both live and virtually and I have been to every virtual show she has been in.(She’s a bro and always texts me when she has one). She is someone who if she’s in your life, your life is 100x better just because of it.

When I sent her my latest entry, I was saying how my entries take weeks and weeks to write because it takes that long to gather my thoughts together,

Carol- Why do you think that is?

Me- I feel like I have so much that I’m feeling and if I just put everything down that’ll be a disaster so I need to write down what I’m going to type before I type it up

C- Ahh, I wonder what it would be like if you let the “disaster” happen...

C- Maybe chaos but maybe some beauty too?

Me- Good lord. I have no idea

Me- Painful beauty maybe

C- Exactly. “Painful beauty” is something only a writer would say

Well Carol, this is for you.

As I am sitting here typing this, I have no notes written out about what I want to talk about. Everything that I am going to type is coming from my heart exactly how I’m feeling at this moment in time.

I do not feel good about myself. I pride myself in my writing on how I am trying to practice more self love and how I deserve it and how I am worth it etc.

YET

Most of the time, I feel like I am lying to myself because 8/10x I don’t feel like that. I allow how people TREAT ME, to reflect on how I feel about myself. How ridiculous is that. I have a friend that I haven’t spoken to in almost a month. I felt bad about myself because we haven’t talked. Why? Why am I putting all the pressure on me and making myself feel like I’m not worth talking to when I know that anyone would be lucky to have me in their life and to talk to.

When I write those things about self love, I write it because I want to believe it. I want to believe that my weight doesn’t play a role in how much self esteem that I have. But deep deep down, I don’t believe it. In the last two months, I’ve woken up crying from dreams because in my dreams, people are rejecting me because of how I look. They don’t find me beautiful, They are repulsed with how I’ve allowed myself to gain back the weight. How sad that even deep down in my conscious, and deep in my dream world, that I have such a low image of myself.

I look back on why I started this journey and why I wanted to lose the weight. I say to be healthy and to be happier, but it’s sad and it’s pathetic I want to lose the weight to find a boyfriend. I truly feel like if I looked different, or if I was thinner then I wouldn’t have a problem. I have a good personality, I’m funny, I’m nice, I’m caring. So what’s the problem? How I look. I don’t know what else. I know that people are going to read this and comment, “But you’re beautiful etc” and while I appreciate those words, I wonder how many people are saying that because they feel it is what they are supposed to say? No one is going to say (to my face at least), yea, I agree with you, if you lost the weight, you would have no problem finding love.

Society puts so much pressure on looks & weight especially for girls. Guys I know have to deal with it too, But as a girl dealing with it and living it, it flat out sucks. No other words to explain it.

You always see news about how this star lost so much weight and how beautiful she looks. WTF, was she a hideous monster before losing the weight?

MEDIA is a horrible thing, and it’s only purpose is to keep people feeling crappy about themselves. Why is it that you never see a bigger person on a workout commercial? Why is everyone who is selling you the product, tone, 6 packs and beautiful in the eyes of what is “beautiful.”

Am I not considered beautiful because I don’t have a pant size that’s a 0 or 2.Am I worth less because I am bigger boned than my friends? I have a butt, yes, I have boobs, Shocker. I have hips. It’s called having a body. Last I checked, we all have a body. Why does the fact that hers doesn’t have rolls make it easier to love, and my rolls seem repulsive and gross?

I have no idea if any or all of this makes sense. All I know is that, I wish I did not relay on other’s opinion of me so much and that I didn’t allow their lack of responding to me, or the lack of reaching out to me, or my repeated forgiveness of “it’s okay” to make me feel like I’m not worth anything.

I feel things, I feel a lot of things. Happiness, sadness. How other’s treat and view me make a big impact on my daily living. And truthfully, it sucks. Why is it hard to be sad because I’m sad or happy because I’m happy. Not because someone didn’t answer or reach out, or because they did answer or respond. Living for other’s is so mentally and emotionally draining.

“I’m trying to find myself as a person, something that’s not easy to do.”

It’s a new year. Year 34 of being on this earth. Year 33 did not go as I wanted. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about my birthday coming up and how I was unhappy with how year 33 went. He asked me, “well, what did you hope to be your story at 33, going into 34?”

It took me 3 hours to answer.

“So honestly, I don’t know specifically what I hoped to be my story turning 34, but I know it’s not feeling like this.”

His response had my mind turning.

“Well, if you’re not sure what you want your story to be, how do you know what to strive for?”

Why is my own personal story so hard to envision? Why do I believe that I don’t deserve a happy story. What do I see for myself? Why is it so hard to see the possibility of good in my life?

“Maybe, you gotta break yourself down, and build yourself up piece by piece”-My friend

“The norms were created by somebody, and each of us is somebody. We can make our own normal. We can throw out all the rules and write our own. We can build our lives from the inside out. We can stop talking about what the world wants from us and instead ask ourselves what we want from our world. We can stop looking at what’s in front of us long enough to discover what’s inside of us. We can remember and unleash the life-changing, relationship-changing, world-changing power of our own imagination. It might take us a lifetime. Luckily, a lifetime is exactly how long we have.

Let’s conjure up, from the depths of our souls:

The truest, most beautiful lives we can imagine.

The truest, most beautiful families we can fathom.

The truest, most beautiful world we can hope for.

Let’s put it all on paper. Let’s look at what we’ve written and decide that these are not pipe dreams; these are our marching orders. These are the blueprints of our lives, our families ,and the world.

May the invisible order become visible.

May our dreams become our plans.”

-Glennon Doyle- Untamed

(If you don’t know who this is, or what this book it. Get it, and get it NOW. $15.93 on Amazon.) I promise you will not be disappointed.

When I started my journey back in 2019, I had a completely different vision in my head with how I wanted it to turn out versus the reality of how it is right now. My vision was that I was going to lose the weight. I was going to reek confidence. I was going to know what love was, and I was going to know what being truly happy inside really felt like.

Well fast forward almost two years. My lowest weight in 2020 was back in March at 229. I weighed myself yesterday to see where I am starting over from and I am back up to 265.5. I am only 7 lbs away from my highest weight(that I recorded) when I started my journey. How disappointing is that? I wanted to become an inspiration to others, and yet I’ve become a failure.

How I feel about when I look at myself has consumed my mind, day and night. I’ve gotten back to avoiding the mirror, I wear nothing but yoga pants and sweat shirts, one because they help to hide, and two because wearing my size 14 pants that I bought when I lost the weight, can only stay zipped and buttoned for so long. I do my makeup most every day, because I feel like if I do my makeup and at least that part of my body looks nice, then people will be less inclined to notice how much weight I have gained in the last 9 months.

I am beginning to have physical struggles again. Doing small activities, cleaning my room, walking around my building at work etc. makes me feel like I’m running a marathon. My body starts to exhume heat and I need to take a break, When I go to the gym, I feel discouraged because things I was capable of doing prior is a struggle for me again.

I was not expecting to be in this position again and the fact that I am revisiting this time in my life, is not something that I am happy about.

I have been having long mental talks with myself about what I want and what I deserve and even though I know these things, and can acknowledge them, actually following through seems so much harder now. It’s like my body has given up on me. Everything hurts.

This is my reality at the moment. This journey is not all rainbows and sunshine. There are a lot of dark clouds and storms that make the path to where I need to get to difficult to see.

BUT after many months of just giving up, I decided that (even as hard as it is sometimes for me to believe) I AM WORTH IT. I am worth being loved, I am worth being happy, I am worth being healthy.

This time around is harder than the first time, but it only means that I have to work even HARDER this time around to prove to myself that I, Chrissie Hanna, am worth every tear that I shed, every smile I smile and everything else that comes in between.

When I think about the truest, most beautiful life that I can imagine for myself, it is knowing that I NEVER gave up on myself. I did everything I could for this little girl inside of me who grew up thinking that she was not worth it. The little girl who always thought all the other girls had it easier, that they were the ones worth loving, yet her with her beautiful smile, and kind eyes just sat there in the background, letting her life pass her by.)

This is for the little girl.

The past few months, actually the past few weeks, I've lost myself. I have lost sight of who I am, what my goals are & what makes me happy. I am turning 34 next week(eek) and I feel so lost. I compare my journey in life to others my age & even others younger than myself. I'm afraid all I'm ever going to be is my parents daughter, my siblings sister, and my niece's aunt.

I know people say that age is only a number, blah blah, but turning 34 makes me sad. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted. What have I done in my years on earth that have been special?

Every year around my birthday, it gets me thinking. Which is never good. I think about how I'm no further along in my life than I was the year before and it is a sad feeling to feel.

What is my purpose? There has to be more to my life than what it is now.

Here's to hoping year 34 around the earth shows me the answers.

“I wasn't very kind to myself for a really long time and I'm trying to learn that now. So do what you need to do, and push yourself, but also forgive yourself if you fuck it up, or if you're struggling.”

If there was ever a quote that hit my heart and soul at a particular moment in my life, then this is it.

My goal for the summer was to focus on me, myself and I. I stepped back from social media because I became way to focused on the virtual world, and if I got likes from certain people. I was more involved in the virtual world than I was in the real world and it was becoming unhealthy. Truthfully, it was causing me extreme anxiety and really affecting me. I’ve been off of it for two months and I can say with all honesty, that I do not miss it at all.

I wanted to use the summer and get back that fight that I had when I started this journey back last Jan. I wanted to find that girl again. The girl who took this journey and ran with it(not literally, because lets face it, your girl doesn’t run). I wanted to delve deep into my heart and find what it is that I really wanted and do everything in my power to get there.

My mind and my heart have been through a lot over the last few months. Quarentine wasn’t good to me(as it wasn’t to anyone else). I lost myself, and my goals and what I wanted to accomplish. I allowed my inner demons to resurface and show themselves, after I worked so hard on beating them down.

My self confidence plummeted, I just straight up stopped caring. I went to Barnes & Nobles and spent $100 on self help books. I was going to devote my time and energy on reading those books and finding me again. Well guess what, those books are now taking up a full shelf on my book shelf, untouched. I constantly reached out to people. seeking advice, always asking what is wrong with me. Expecting others to fix me with words. I’m thankful for those people in my life, who always had the words that I needed to hear in that moment.

However, over the past few weeks, I’m realizing, that even though I know those people care about me, my problems and my sadness about me, are not their problems to fix. Of course, I know that they will be there whenever I need help, but to really understand where my mind is, and why I’m so hard on myself, I needed to dig deep down and figure this out on my own. No one is in my head besides me(and trust me, more times than not, I want to escape it, but I can’t). Most of the time, I have a hard time explaining how I am feeling, because my mind is so jumbled up with a million thoughts.

I’ve been trying to write this blog entry for a month, but everytime I sat down to write it, my mind became so overwhelmed with all my thoughts, that I gave up.

One of my biggest problems is just that. I give up. When I started this journey last Jan., I put my heart and soul into everything I did. My workouts, my food, my blogging. I was doing awesome. I felt better, I was happier, I smiled, I liked looking in the mirror. Back in April, when I discovered junk food again, a switch was flipped and I gave up. I stopped caring. I felt like I failed and was a disappointment. Not only a disappointment to me, but to everyone else who was along on this journey with me.

My best friend came home from London 2 weeks ago, and I was able to see her this past Thursday. After I left her house, I texted her and my exact words to her were, “I almost bailed(can’t lie) because I was embarrassed of how I looked.” Reading that, at this moment, makes me want to cry. This is my best friend. My friend since we were 5 years old. The one who has seen my ugly cries, my happy tears and everything in between. The mere fact that I was embarrassed is just so sad to me.

Her response, “Never bail on me because how you look. I honestly didn’t have one thought about it. Love you(and seeing you) no matter what!”

Over the past year and a half, I’ve been very open and very public with my journey. I’ve posted my pictures, my goals, my triumphs and disappointment. I have extremely vulnerable and honest. I did it all for me, but a lot of it I did it because I wanted to help be a voice for people, who didn’t feel like they had one. I wanted to show others, that with hard work and determination you could achieve anything. I wanted to help people who didn’t think they could help themselves. I wanted to be a safe place for people to express their thoughts and their feelings, and know that no matter what type of journey they were on themselves, they were and never are alone.

Do I regret doing this, and being this open and honest. No. Because I felt like without doing it, I reached a lot of people. People who I would not have talked to prior, reached out to me about it. A connection was formed with people, and bonds that I had with others grew because of my journey.

I do however, sometimes(sorta)have a tiny ounce of regret for being so open. Only for the fact, that I felt like I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that I did what my goal was. To show people you could do this. That no matter what life threw at you, or how many times you fell down, you just had to get your butt back up and go again. I felt like a lot of people were counting on me, and for the last few months, I’ve felt like an absolute failure. I felt like I let myself down(Which I could live with, been there, done that x100). but I couldn’t deal with the idea of letting everyone else down. Which, I know in reality, in like real life reality, that is not the case at all. That those who really love and care about me would never see me as a failure. But in Chrissie-verse(my own personal universe), I’m a failure to them. I know in my head that the only way I would be seen like that by them is if I really do give up. But yet, I’m still standing(okay, maybe with a limp, but hey at least I’m up).

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my coaches from the gym about how I was having a hard time, and they said they wanted me to write down my 5 whys. 5 whys as to WHY I started this journey in the first time. What made me decide enough was enough. These were them-

1- to show Ava(my most favorite little human on the face of this earth) that her aunt is a strong woman

2- to erase old memories of wanting to hurt myself from being bullied

3-to not be a burden on anyone as I got older

4- to find confidence regarding my body and to not feel “fat shamed” anymore

5- to find love.

The last one, I think, is the one that has most affected me, I’m 33 years old and have never been in a relationship. It really is something that has affected me and made me feel like I’m not worthy. I feel like I put a lot of pressure on myself to loose the weight so that I could find love. But what if, WHAT if, the love I want to find isn’t with someone, but what if the love I am looking for is loving myself? Why is it so hard for me to accept love(even if it is love towards myself) yet I have enough love in my soul for EVERYONE else, that I could drown in it? Why is finding the love for yourself to hard?

Writing this entry, has given me some clarity. It’s literally all over the place, but hey, welcome to my brain. Try living in it for a few min, you’ll had a headache and be exhausted in a matter of minutes.

Okay, well I think that’s enough writing for tonight. This entry has taken me 4 hours to write. and MAN, does my mind hurt lol.

To those who have stuck through, I thank you. To those just joining, welcome. I hope my thoughts and feelings and transparency, can help you when you feel like you are lost.

xoxo

Chrissie

“A cousin is a ready made friend for life.”

So Tuesday was Sean’s 13 year memorial and it was a rough day. A lot of the day was spent being sad for the loss of his life. It makes me sad that there is so much time that we didn’t have to make memories and enjoy life together.

I spent the day going over the memory and the day of when he passed, which only broke my heart even more.

I talked to a friend last night and he said it was understandable to be sad, but that I should celebrate the memories that I have with Sean too.

So I decided I was going to make an entry about him today, to talk about what an amazing person Sean was, and to reminisce about our memories.

Sadly, for me, it is hard for me to remember a lot of my childhood/teenage years, but there are moments that I remember like it just happened, and those are the memories and the moments that I will talk about.

Since I was young and as long as I can remember, Sean was always my favorite cousin and the one who I loved hanging out with. Being only 5 months older than me, we were close. The cousins were always together when we were younger, and with there being so many of us, someone seemed to always have their partner in crime. Sean was mine.

I remember one year my mom let me go trick or treating with Sean and his friend Chris. I thought I was so cool because not only was I able to go trick or treating without my mom, but I was going trick or treating with Sean and it was so fun. On our way back to his house, we stopped at one last house and the lady gave his pennies. PENNIES?? It became a joke between us for the next few years.

As we got older, Sean became more than a cousin to me, he became my friend. He was the person that I would talk about my problems with. I would talk to him about boys that I liked, and he would always tell me that they were never good enough for me. He would talk to me about the girls he liked, and it was always so comfortable and felt so nice to have a cousin who was my friend. He looked out for me in his own ways and I always felt like he was a protector of me, even though he was only 5 months older than me.

Even with his medical problems, Sean always made you feel like the most important person. He would listen to your problems, always do his best to make you laugh(which he was the best at), and he never let his sickness define him. He just wanted to be Sean.

He started acting out in plays, and I always tried my best to make sure I would go and see him, I was so proud to be his cousin.

There was one time that I went over to hang out and we were trying to find something to do. He started calling around to his friends so see if anyone was around, we called like 6 people but no one was around. He remembered that his one friend was in California, so he called him back, cursed him out(jokingly) for being in California and then played the song, “California” by Tupac on his answering machine. Every time I hear that song on the radio, I can’t help but let it bring both a tear and a smile to my face.

Sean went to Rutgers his freshman year and I asked if I could go to a party with him. He told me no. I was so upset. I remember saying, “But Sean, I’m a good girl.” His answer is something I won’t forget. He went, “Chrissie, I know you are, but men are pigs.”

Sean was the strongest person I had ever met him my life, even if he was in pain, even if he didn’t want to do something, he would put a smile on his face & make you laugh because he had quality to himself.

When Sean went into the hospital for the last time, I wrote him a letter and sent it to him, talking about how much I looked up to him. How much I loved and appreciated him as my cousin and as my friend, and how lucky I felt to be his cousin.

I turned 20 when Sean was in the hospital, and I wanted to see him because every year either on or near my birthday we would always hang out and I didn’t want this time to be any different. My best friend and I went into the city to visit him. He was having a rough day but he still made me feel special and put aside how he felt to enjoy the time we spent together.

The time Sean spent in the hospital was hard on everyone. Sean began needing platelet transfusions so I started coming home from Maryland where I went to school, to go into the city to donate platelets for him. Every time I went, I made sure that I always went and visited him after. It was a bittersweet time for me every time because of my reason for going, but it meant that we had time to spend together and hang out and talk. He’s the reason that I learned with ETA meant lol.

Sean would always be the one to make you laugh and to make you smile and make you feel so special. He was so charismatic.

The day he passed away was the worst day of my life. My heart broke into a million pieces because the world lost one of the greatest people to ever grace this earth. Those who know him, knew the same thing because at his funeral there were hundreds of people in attendance, that the line to come in to pay his respects wrapped around the building and the time had to be extended to accommodate all the people who wanted to pay their respects to him.

When Sean passed, I lost my favorite cousin, my hero and my best friend in 1. It broke my heart. But when I think about Sean, I think about how strong he was, even in his darkest moments. When I think about Sean, I think about how much of a comedian he was, and how much he loved making people laugh. When I think about Sean, I think about the person who I most looked up to. And when I think about Sean, I think of the greatest cousin and greatest friend that a girl could ever have.

Sean may have only been in my life and on this earth for 20 years, but in those 20 years, he had touched more lives and brought so much joy to those around him than those who could live for 90 years.

For those of you who read this, and knew Sean, please comment with your favorite memory of him.

“I want what I am made of returned to me”

So it’s been about 2 months since my last post. I’ve been trying to gather my thoughts and feelings for the past 2 weeks to write this entry.

Since being home in the quarantine, my mental health has been struggling a bit. The first 2 weeks I had major anxiety(like I’m sure 99.9% of the world was experiencing). I still did some workouts. Luckily, the coaches at our gym were holding live ZOOM sessions for our workouts 3x a day.

I’ve been having such a hard time sleeping. I’m up until 2,3 sometimes 4am because my body just won’t shut down. So I’ve been binge watching a lot of My 600lb Life. It has been hitting home for me, and each episode makes me more sad than the last.

Since being home, my eating took a drastic change. I have no one to blame but myself. Our house has always had chips and snacks and soda in it, but I have prided myself over the last 14 months since I started my journey, of how mentally strong I was that I haven’t caved with the junk food.

Well, that pride has now turned to anger and disgust towards myself.

Since the last week of March, I have gone back 100 steps. I’ve always had people telling me that I can allow myself to treat myself every once in a while, in terms of eating certain things. That realistically, never having a treat for the rest of my life, probably wasn’t going to happen. But I would always respond, “No, I’m okay” even though deep down I really wanted it. I was mentally(at the time) strong enough to push all those cravings and feelings aside so that I didn’t end up to how I was a year and a half ago.

Things began to unravel for me about 4 weeks ago. My family made popcorn one night and the bowl was sitting next to me. In the past year I have been able to ignore it and not feel tempted, but that night I couldn’t. I kept thinking in my head a handful isn’t going to throw me off. Little did I know, that would be the beginning to my end.

That handful of popcorn, lead to 2 handfuls of popcorn. Which in turn led to me making a bag for myself the next night. The following day, my family talked about having an ice cream social night. Something family oriented to do with my niece. I was nervous because I haven’t had ice cream in over a year, and I know that chocolate is one of my evils.

That week, because of the talk of ice cream, my cravings to have it were kicking in full force. I said out loud how I wanted ice cream, and my dad said that he had sugar free ice cream in the freezer. The thought of sugar free ice cream was gross. I would be missing out on what made it delicious. But my cravings became relentless. So I went and put myself some ice cream, but to make it even more delicious I added some chocolate syrup. The first bite after not having it for over a year was the most delicious bite I’ve ever had.

A few days later, my one sister made chili dip with the tostitos scoops. I didn’t think twice, I put some on a plate, but a handful of chips on my plate and started eating. My one sister came up to me and went, “I’m surprised you’re eating that.” I became super defensive and said, “If you see me eating something, there is not reason for you to make a remark. Just leave me alone.”

I knew right then and there I was in trouble.

Over the next few weeks, my cravings and desire were out of control. But I couldn’t stop myself. I still haven’t been able to stop myself.

We had hershey kisses from my mom’s birthday pinata and I went 1 whole week without touching them, so I decided I would treat myself to a few. A few turned into 10, which turned into 10 more, etc.

My dad mentioned something to me about how my working out had slowed down, and he’s been noticing chocolate wrappers near where I was sitting. I just looked at him, shrugged my shoulders and went, “I don’t know.”

I’ve had ice cream about 10x, with sprinkles, and chocolate chips, and hersheys chocolate syrup. Everytime I took a bite, I felt excited and happy. It was like I had just taken a drug and I was on my high. Which, in reality I did. junk food was my drug, Every bite tasted better than the last and I couldn’t wait for my next bite.

I would wait until everyone went upstairs and I would come out of my room and put myself a bowl.

I took a half full back of Doritos into my room and within 5 minutes the whole bag was gone. I kept the empty back in my room for a few days because I was too ashamed to throw it out in the garbage because I didn’t want anyone to see.

I would then go back and eat some chocolate chip cookies and oreos. Which have always been my weakness. I started hiding and sneaking my snacks.

One night I went to get some, and I started to panic because I couldn’t find the box of cookies. OMG did someone eat all of them? What am I going to do? After 5 minutes of sheer panic because I couldn’t find the cookies, I finally found them on a different shelf.

One night, I tried 3x to get the cookies, but everytime I went into the kitchen my sister was there and I didn’t want to take them out in front of her. I thought if no one sees me, then it doesn’t count. I can pretend in my head that is isn’t happening and I am still doing a good job.

I would eat donuts in my room and I remember my brother knocking on my door, and I in sheer panic, covered my paper towel with the donuts so that he wouldn’t see.

Last night, was probably one of the hardest night. I put myself another bowl of ice cream.I went into the kitchen to get water, and saw my sister make some fresh guacamole with chips. It sounded so good. So when I finished with my ice cream, I went and put myself a bowl of quac and chips.

An hour later I was sooo hungry, so I went back into the kitchen and put myself something to eat. It was around 11-11:30. My dad came down to get something and he saw me putting something to eat. He said, “Chrissie, what’s going on. You’ve been doing so good. I don’t want you going back to where you were.” I just shrugged my shoulders and didn’t say anything.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night so I was up all night thinking. Which is never a good thing for me. I thought about all the time I wasted in the past 4 weeks. How I thought I was so mentally strong, when really I was just fooling myself. How I don’t deserve any of the good. How right now in this moment of time, the taste of the junk food, made me so happy.

The reason I wrote this entry, is because I need to be honest with myself and for everyone who has been on my side and on my team since the beginning of this journey.

It is HARD. This is REAL LIFE. This is me being completely open and vulnerable, and honest with the choices I have decided to do the past 4 weeks.

This is a daily struggle. A minute to minute struggle. I need to go back and remind myself my WHY and the reasons behind WHY I started this journey and what I want for MYSELF. Because right now I am the ONLY one who can decide those things.

I just hope I figure it out really soon.

“Getting your shit together, requires a level of honesty you can’t even imagine. There’s nothing easy about realizing you're the one that’s been holding you back this whole time.”

Truthfully, I don’t even know where to begin. I celebrated my one year mark a month and 3 days ago. I celebrated by posting a video on youtube instead of writing a blog entry because I felt like it was more person. I actually enjoyed doing the video and thought about doing a video for this entry instead, but the topic I want to talk about has been sitting heavy on my heart and I was afraid that if I did a video, I would start crying and I’m not about that life right now.

The last few weeks after my 1 year mark have been some of the hardest weeks my mind has endured. My mind is a mean, evil place to be in and unfortunately I live with it everyday. I try my hardest to fight through and act good. I post pictures to help encourage others to never give up, but in reality I am doing it to show myself how far I have come and where I do NOT want to be again.

My mind is destructive and it says mean things to myself. It tells me that I’m not worth it. It tells me that I’ll never be good enough and worse it tells me that I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ve succumbed to those things my mind is constantly thinking of me. I let it be the author of my story for all of my life and I was so tired of it. That was a big part of why I began my journey last year. To not just lose the weight but to hopefully lose all the negative thoughts I had about myself.

Well fast forward one year. I lost the weight(well some weight) and my confidence was higher than it had been in many many many years. I was feeling good, I was smiling, I liked looking in the mirror because I was so impressed with what was looking back at me.

I even tried putting myself out there. I joined an online dating site, and even went on a date. We had a nice dinner, talked the whole time, no awkward conversations, I was excited. But of course, it changed. The next few days after our conversation (rephrase.. his conversation) went from wholesome and encouraging at dinner, to NOT real fast. I became so discouraged. I thought losing the weight would finally make me happy and finally make me something that guys wanted, but I was wrong.

All guys seemed to notice and want from me, is what they can get from me. I want someone to want to get to know ME. I didn’t know that this was the attention I would be receiving and I did not like it. I feel like I wasn’t worth getting to know, that I would never be special enough. I wanted to be seen more than just the body aspect.

That started messing with my head. I decided that I would rather go back to being fat and invisible than being thinner and visible. That if guys talked to me when I was fatter, I knew their intention was genuine. But being thinner, I could never trust a guy who tried talking to me, because I wouldn’t be able to know what their intentions are. I’ve put myself out there and every time have been burned because I thought their intentions were good, but then they revealed their true colors.

So I did exactly what my mind knows what do to best.

I stopped caring, truly just didn’t care anymore. I felt myself gaining some weight back(9 lbs..) I felt it in my body and how I looked and I was back to being grossed out about myself.

I went to my therapist last week and we talked about it. I cried. I’ve been going to her for 7-8 years and I’ve cried maybe 2-3x. But last week, I couldn't stop the tears. I’m so lonely and we talked about how I’ve trained myself to just accept whatever attention is given to me because I am lonely. That’s not the way to be.

She said it is very common for people who think that in order to be happy, they need to lose weight, HOWEVER, once they lose the weight, the only thing that has changed is how they look on the outside, NOT how they feel on the inside.

I am a prime example. I thought my life would be so much better once the weight was coming off. I would finally meet my prince charming and be happy and live the life I wanted to live.

That wasn’t the case. All I know is that I don’t know anything. I can’t express vocally how I’m feeling, which is why I write things down. I don’t know how I am supposed to be happy and feel good about myself, when guys treat me now how I deserve. and I HATE that I have become that girl that based her self esteem and self worth on the opinions and actions of guys.

Plenty of people have told me, that ones that make you question your self worth are the guys not worth your time anyway, so don’t worry about them. It’s just a hard thing to fight through.

I have my therapy session again tomorrow and I’m sure more tears will occur.

This is a constant struggle. I’m super embarrassed that I even wrote an entry about this, but this is real life and this is my real life and I promised to be as open and honest with myself and everyone reading this, so here I am being open and honest.

Here’s to hoping my mind gets its SH*T together, because I have a lot of people who tell me I am worth it, so my mind needs to start listening ASAP.

“The one who falls and gets up is so much stronger than the one who never fell”

Hello world! Wow, how long has it been? My last entry was back in August. So be prepared for a long entry, but as always thank you for taking the time to read it.

I talked about my decision to go to Over Eaters Anonymous. I went to four meetings, and each meeting made me think and realize(as bad as it sounds) that I was not as bad as all the other people who went to those meetings. I would leave the meetings feeling better about myself. Crazy as that sounds. After those few meetings, I decided I just did not belong there, so I stopped going.

September was such a terrible, rough month for me. I was physically in a bad place(I was seldomly) going to the gym, I’d keep pushing it off and just finding those excuses for not going. And even worse mentally in a really really bad place. Over the summer, me and 3 of my girlfriends planned a girls weekend in Atlantic City, we were looking forward to this weekend for 2 months. I bought a new dress and I was so excited to see my friends and for a night out in AC. However the week going into it, my mind started to take over and not in a good way.

I met my friend Nick for drinks that week, and we were talking about my weekend. I was saying how I did not want to go anymore because I did not want to be seen in my dress, and I did not want to be seen with my friends because I was going to be seen as the bigger one and I was feeling super self conscious and my anxiety level was sky high. I even texted my friends and told them that I was thinking about bailing out on the weekend because I wasn’t feeling good about myself and I did not want to be seen with them. Of course being my friends they all told me that I did not need to feel that way, that I was beautiful and all that stuff,, and that we were all going to have a great time.

The weekend finally arrived and I drove down to AC a little earlier to meet my friend(who was also there for the weekend) at the beach. I was already starting to feel a little anxious and was really wishing that I had backed out like I wanted to. She then tells me that Nick messaged her and asked if I ended up going because he wanted me to go and have a good time. It was sweet to know that I had friends who cared enough about me.

We get to the house and everyone is hanging out, talking, but not me. I felt so out of place and so uncomfortable. My mind had every negative thought in there that was possible. It bothered me that everyone was being asked, “So are you seeing anyone? Do you have a boyfriend, etc”? Yet, I was only being asked, “Hows work going?” My self esteem was already low and not being involved in those questions, made me feel like my feelings were being validated, that even my friends didn’t see me as someone worth having a boyfriend or having someone who wanted to talk to me. After we all got ready, we went to the club. After being there for roughly 30 min., I knew I had to leave. Something in my body just couldn’t take it. I left the club, stepped outside and started crying. I ubered back to the house by myself and just spent the rest of the night alone.

In the next week or so, I had doctors. I went into the room, and the doctor first thing she says to me is, “Are you okay?” I just started crying. I told her I’ve been sad for a few weeks and she said as soon as you walked in, I could tell that something as wrong. You weren’t smiling, your face and your affect was just so off.” I told her I have a therapist and I had an appointment with her this week. She gave me tissues and gave me a hug.

That same week, I went to my therapist and we talked. I told her how I was feeling, while explaining it the best I could, because truthfully, I didn’t know what I was feeling or why I was feeling. I just knew that was how I felt. My lack of drive was not only affecting me mentally, but physically. I hadn’t made any progress with my weight loss because I just didn’t care and I could not find the strength enough to care. My mind was an emotional roller coaster and I was the only one in charge of the ride.

September finally came to an end, and without realizing it my mood started to change. I found myself smiling more and not feeling so down. I don’t know what happened, or how it happened. But I’m glad something clicked.

Every year, my family holds a race for my cousins foundation. He passed away 12 years ago, and his brother started a foundation in his memory to help families dealing with pediatric cancer. We have raffles and giveaways, and for the first time, we have a vendor from a gym, a bootcamp to be exact. They were offering a 2 week free trial, so I decided what do I have to lose? I signed up and ended up going about a week or two later.

My most recent hurdle was regarding my health. I went to the eye doctor back in November for a way over due eye exam. The doctor started asking me all these questions, and I didn’t know why he was. So he took the picture behind my eyes and finally explained everything. He showed me the picture of what my eyes looked like and he told me that my eyes and the veins behind my eyes were bulging. There was so much excess pressure in my head that it was pressing up against my eyes and causing all the pain and the headaches and migraines I had been dealing with over a long period of time. I explained how I was taking salsa dancing which i I loved, but had to stop because the simple turns would destroy me. I felt as if the whole room was spinning and I’d be out for 5 minutes trying to regain my composure and balance. He said, “That isn’t normal.” But for me, it was normal, I didn’t know anything else. He said the excess pressure a a probable cause for why the turns affected me so badly.

He had to consult my neurologist and together they both decided that I needed to get MRIs done as soon as possible to rule out anything, so of course your mind always thinks of the worst case scenario. Prior to me getting the MRIs done, and after waiting until I got all the results, I thought the worst. I thought I had a brain tumor and started googling all the possibilities. Worst thing ever to do.

If everything came back negative, I was to have a spinal tap done. Thankfully, the MRI results came back negative. But that meant that a spinal tap was needed. So super long story short, spinal tap was done, fluid was removed, however I still needed to go to doctors. I’ve been to an eye doctor that specializes in neurology, have to do more testing with them. On Friday, I had an appointment with a neuro specialist, He wants more tests to be done and then we go from there.

It’s been a super stressful time, and honestly just doing the days one day at a time. But the most stressful and aggravating part of it all is that I was told what I have is rare. When it presents itself, it occurs in girls my age, who are overweight.

When I heard that it made me so angry. In the past 10 months(at this point) I was down 30 lbs, but yet my symptoms only got worse over the past few months with my increasing headaches and pain in my head.

Yet, another thing that affected my life because of my weight, sigh.

My 33th birthday just passed and I made a vow to myself that it was going to be different this year. So I decided to make some changes. I got a tattoo to represent where I am in my life and my journey thus far. (I am less than a month away from reaching my 1 year mark!)

My tattoo says, “I ain’t sayin I’m perfect, but I promise I’m worth it.”

It is something that took me a looooong time to realize. I’m still realizing it. I’m 1000% not perfect, but I know I’m worth the good things that life brings me.

I also changed my hairstyle. Cut my hair a little shorter and got bangs. I needed to start the new year of my life, as a new person, a better version of the person I am.

I joined the biggest loser competition at work in November, and I found out on the last day of school before break that I WON!!!!

Never in my wildest dreams would I ever ever think that I would have won a weight loss competition, especially with how my life was last year in regards to my eating habits and lack of physical activity.

It has been a crazy year with this journey, as hard as it’s been, as many times that I’ve fallen, and that many bumps along the road, I’ve managed to always get back up. There have been times where I thought I didn’t have the strength to, but somehow strength happened when I needed it the most.

My cousin texted me the other day with this message, “ Hi sweetheart! I always thought you were soo pretty but your new haircut your smile that lights up a room, your weight loss you are even more prettier. Not because you lost the weight but your confidence is shining through and it looks great!”

I can’t lie, that message made me cry. It was so sweet, and especially because it was something that I was not expecting.

Year 2020 is only a few days away, and I am ready to take it down.

I joined a new challenge at the bootcamp that I joined, and it starts a day before my 1 year mark, so I’m excited to continue my journey with a whole new outlook!

Speaking of the bootcamp,

BEST DECISION EVER.

I’ve been going for two months and I feel stronger. Since I’ve started, I’ve gone down 15 lbs and lost 16 inches around my whole body. How insane?? I’ve had my falls, but I’ve managed to get back up! I am only 4 lbs away from my 40lb weight loss! Me??? almost 40 lbs down. I can’t believe it.

Okay, wow that was a lot. Thank you to everyone who actually sat through and read the entire entry!

Still hope I’m making everyone proud.

xoxo

Team Chrissie

“Courage isn’t about knowing the path, it’s about taking the first step.”

So if you have been keeping up with me and my blog, you know that my last few weeks have been the easiest. I’ve been going through a lot of things emotionally that have negatively affected my eating. I have realized more lately, that I am an emotional eater. I eat my emotions. If I feel sad, I eat. If I feel lonely, I eat. If I feel depressed about how I look, I eat.

Well, with those 3 feelings becoming so prominent in my life, I have started to binge my eating. The biggest eye opener was 2 weeks ago when I went to the diner every single day and ordered 2-3 different things, just for myself.

I’ve been feeling very lonely and sad. I feel like my body is transforming back to how it was 7 months go, and in my head, eating how I used to eat was okay because my old mindset was coming back. “Who cares? What does it matter?”

The past 2 weeks after the whole diner situation, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I haven't posted any pictures on social media, or any updates because truthfully, I have nothing to be proud of right now. And that scares me.

Food has been my biggest struggle on this whole journey. I’ve never had a healthy relationship with food. I always either ate too much, or hardly any. It was hard to find a balance.

I used to feel so proud of myself when I would say at 5pm, “I haven't eaten anything yet today. I just haven't been hungry.” Like I was some big powerful person for being like that. I wasn’t, I was being stupid. After many, many years of that I realized that played a HUGE role in my weight. My body never knew when it would eat again, so it had to keep hold of whatever I had in my body.

Then there would be times where I would eat 4 different meals within a 1 hour time frame. Not because I was hungry, but because there was food there and food was meant to be eaten right? It didn’t matter to me that it was now 9,10,11:00pm and I was going to sleep soon. I’d eat a full meal, just because. The other night it happened. It was 10pm, I had just eaten at around 9:30 because I had just gotten home. I ate, and half hour later, went and found something else to eat, and then after that, went back and poured myself a bowl of cereal. There was absolutely no reason for that, and just reading it makes me sick to my stomach. But it’s what I did.

All those times I went hours upon hours without eating wasn't something that I would do purposefully, it was just something that I was used to. My body didn’t get hungry, so I didn’t eat. I would eat eventually at some point because it would be 10-12 hours into the day & my mind would go, “Yea, you should probably eat something.”

I know my mind and I know how powerful it is, that I can’t even lie, because of how I have been feeling, and the pressure to lose the weight and drop the pounds.. the thought of starting an eating disorder purposely crossed my mind. I thought about how long I thought I could go without eating. I’m hardly ever home anyways, so it wouldn’t be like my family would know whether or not I ate. It seemed like the perfect solution.

The fact that I thought that way, was/is scary.

So I decided to look up support groups online. I came across Over Eater’s Anonymous and decided to give the number listed a call. I spoke to a wonderful lady and I gave her a quick cliffnote version of my story. She agreed that coming to the meeting would be helpful. She reached out to someone in the group who she thought I would get along with, and got me in touch with her.

The girl offered to wait for me outside the building so that we can walk in together. She knew I was nervous. She offered me such wonderful advise, and told me how she just started also, she has been in the program only 7 weeks but she is able to see for herself an amazing change.

So this past Thursday I went. One of the things they do at the meeting is read thoughts out of a book and discuss what it meant to them. The day I went on Aug 1, this was our thought.

“Appearance is not everything, but it does tell the world how I feel about myself. As my days of abstinence increase, my appearance improves.

Before OA, physical attractiveness presented problems I didn’t want to deal with. As I practice the steps of the program, these problems diminish. I gain spiritual fitness, mental health and physical wellbeing. Giving one hundred percent of myself to the tasks before me each day, and applying the principles of the program in all my affairs drives out both the obsession with food and the preoccupation with my looks. I lose weight without making it my primary goal.

OA promises me threefold recovery as a result of working the program to the best of my ability. This is the only way I know to attain both outer attractiveness and inner worth.”

It was like the book was reading my inner thoughts. I have always equated how I felt about myself with how I looked on the outside. How much love I should receive from people was based on how much I weighed. That because I was/am overweight, that’s why I’ve never been in a relationship, that I was never worth loving because of that reason.

It’s those times where I was so sad and lonely, that I ate more because it didn’t seem to matter. It was and is a vicious cycle. (And don’t worry I’m in therapy so we are always working on that.)

Before I started writing this entry, I was talking to my friend Nick and I was telling him about the meeting and showing him the text that I wrote out above. I said to him, “I’m worth more than my weight right?”

His response, “Chrissie, if people had half the love and heard you did, this world would be a much better place.”

I’m ready to save myself and I think I found a way.

Stay tuned.

xoxo

#teamchrissie

Has there ever been a moment (or two or three) in your life when you did something and as you were doing it you were regretting it?

This week I’ve felt that guilt and regret everyday in terms of food & what I was eating.

I went to the diner every day this week. I had an hour to waste in between camp pick ups & so I figured what better way to waste time then to grab lunch.

Every time I pulled in & parked my car, I knew I was making a bad choice.

Every time I walked in the door, I was wishing I wasn’t.

When I walked in, and the same person at the front saw me & went, “Your usual table?” I wanted to bury my head in shame.

Every time I opened the menu (knowing what I was gonna get without the menu), I could feel my insides screaming at me.

Every time I ordered something and thanked the waitress, I felt tears in my eyes.

When I told the waitress, “Don’t judge me” when I ordered on Thursday, I knew I was in trouble.

Why did I do those things? Why am I sabotaging myself & ruining the works I’ve been trying to do?

Why am I typing this at 12:15am, when I just finished eating wings that my sister got for me from Friday’s?

This week more than any other week, showed me how unhealthy my relationship with food is.

It’s like it’s filling a void inside of me.

I’m so lonely, and food, especially this week has been my companion.

It was there for me, it made me happy in that moment, but the second it was over, I wanted to cry.

I feel like I just took 20 steps backwards, and I’m afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m going to look like a hypocrite.

Ashamed of myself for talking one way & secretly eating how I am.

I might as well just go buy a candy bar, which I won’t lie, I was SO tempted to buy one yesterday when I was at Walgreens. All I wanted was to go in the candy aisle & buy all the chocolates.

I feel horrible. My body feels horrible. I’ve been so sluggish & tired. Constant headache all week, no energy at all.

I know what the problem is, but why is it so hard to fix it?

Help

Hello to anyone who read my blog. I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything. For the past few weeks I have been trying to write an entry, but every time I started to type something, I would end up deleting it.

I feel like I’ve gotten to a point in this journey where people are getting tired of me and my posts and my pictures. When they say, “You look awesome”, it’s something they have to say because they know that I’m trying. How much do people actually mean it?

Even as I type this right now, I am still struggling.

Are people tired of me? Are they tired of me talking about and posting about the same things over and over again?

In the last month, there have been some changes. My personal training sessions have ended. I was so nervous for that because I didn’t know if I was mentally strong enough to fight through my thoughts and go to the gym on my own.

But I went. I even started taking gym classes and found 2 that I LOVE.

I’ve found an activity that I love, boxing. I even started taking personal boxing lessons. I have my second lesson tomorrow.

When I hit the pads or the punching bag, in my head, I try to think of all the negative thoughts that I have and as I am punching, I imagine the bag and the pads are those thoughts. So I am beating away those negative thoughts.

I’ve gotten rid of all my sweaters for the winter, because I REFUSE to let myself fit in those clothes come this winter.

I started seeing a therapist, because it was evident, for me, that if I did not work on my mental health, working on my physical health wouldn’t even be worth it. With the therapist, we work on why I am so down on myself. On why, I constantly feel like I’m not good enough. No matter what we talk about, it always come back to that topic.

I feel like I am all over place with my thoughts.

Some days, well scratch that, most days I feel like a phony. It’s hard to explain. Once I can figure it out, I’ll write another post about it.

Sigh, I feel like this post was pointless. Is it even worth posting? I guess we’ll see.

If you do not make peace with your past, it will keep showing up in your present

Besides my first entry, this is the most vulnerable and open post that I have blogged.

Watching more episodes of My Extreme Weight loss, it has been bringing up a lot of feelings that I have shoved down deep inside for so long.

The most recent episode that I watched, one of the first challenges that the trainer had the person do was to talk about the events that led them to their weight.

Watching that episode, made me cry more than the others. I could feel this girl’s pain. I could feel her torment. So it got me thinking. I’m on this journey to get healthier, to look better, but this journey has also become a journey to help me with my mental health. I need to conquer old demons before I can be emotionally healed.

As far as I can remember, I never felt good enough, or worthy of happiness or love. I would look in the mirror and see just bleh. I associated how I looked with self worth.

Between the ages of 12-18, I was teased and made of fun so badly. I cried everyday. I had extreme anxiety(which I didn’t know what it was at the time but now as an adult I understand.). I never told anyone. I was a loner, I kept to myself. I had no friends. I was just existing, wishing to be invisible.

Because I didn’t tell anyone, I had no one to be on my side. No one to say, “don’t listen to them, ignore them, etc.” All the teasing and the making fun of put me into a deep sadness. I didn’t understand why people(especially kids) could be so mean because you didn’t look like them.

I was the girl with the dark hair, had hair in places that I shouldn’t have had it. Even when I was smaller, I was still one of the bigger girls in my grade.That gave the kids(mostly the girls), more fuel to add to the fire. More things to be mean to me about.

I was in such a dark state of mine. Looking back, I know that I wasn’t thinking clearly, that I was only focused on how I felt at that time, and how I felt at that time, was horrible.

I never told anyone, but I contemplated doing things to myself. I thought of different ways to hurt myself and I thought about how much easier it would be if I just didn’t exist anymore. I wouldn’t have the pain of being bullied anymore. I wouldn’t cry anymore tears. I would make it easier for everyone. Thankfully, I never did it. The idea of doing anything made me nervous. But the thought was always there. And if I’m being honest, there were times where I used the razor to cut myself. I never did my wrist, but on top of my arm. I was to scared. But I felt like I needed something.

Those words from those people, affected me so much. I was giving up because living in that much pain in your mind and heart was just too much. Emotional pain and scars are much worse(to me), because it says inside of you and there’s no magic pill to make it go away.

I still recall the hurt and pain I felt. 20 years later.

That experience, later on, led me to my weight going the way it did.

Junk food became my outlet. It became the thing that made me feel better. Fast foods, soda, chocolate, candy, etc, They were there for me at 1:00-2:00am when I would be crying. Eating those things gave me comfort. It filled a void inside of me and because that void was so big, I needed a lot of junk food to help fill it. I would go to the store and buy $20-$30 worth of junk food. I would sneak it into my room, hide the wrappers under my mattress, under my bed, in my dressers, in my bags, just so that no one would know. I would make a 5 minute drive turn into 15 minutes so that I had enough time to eat all the candy I bought before I made it home.

The only thought that came into my mind was, “Oh well, who cares how I look or how much I weigh, I’m not worth it and loveable so it doesn’t matter.” Those thoughts made me feel even more sad and lonely that I would eat more junk. It was a vicious cycle. Junk food made me feel better, I felt so horrible about myself, so if I found something to help make me feel a little but better, I was just gonna eat it all the time.

For 20 years, that was my life. I wasted to many years and tears and thoughts on people and things that now don’t even matter to me. I let their thoughts and opinions become my thoughts and opinion of myself. I had no self confidence.

Becoming an adult, unfortunately, those feelings carried over. Most of my 20′s were filled with failures and self doubt. In my mind, I was never good enough. I did not think that I was worth having happiness.

Without realizing it, I was self sabotaging myself. I didn’t think I deserved good.

I’ve done and tried the whole working out and losing weight idea multiple times, and after a few months, I end up failing.

Being on this journey now has been different. These last 2 months have been the hardest. I was seeing such a positive change in myself and it was like my mind saw that and put a huge block on it. More self sabotage. My mind just won’t allow myself to reach my full potential. It won’t allow me to be fully happy, and stay happy.

I’m working with a therapist to help break through those thoughts and feelings. If I can’t break that, then the whole idea of going to the gym and working out is for nothing.

To anyone who is struggling, to anyone who has been bullied, or is getting bullied or teased and made to feel like they are worthless, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE WORTH IT!! Please go find someone to talk to. You don’t have to suffer in silence, and you don’t have to suffer alone. And please know that hurting yourself is NOT your only option.

I’ve been blessed as an older adult to find friends who love me for me. Friends who can listen to my problems, over and over again and act as if it was the first time they heard it. Family who have given me inspiration and been my motivators. They remind me that I’m worth more than my weight. I’m a person apart from how much I weigh. They tell me that I’m worth being happy, and that I deserve it.

Once my heart and mind start talking the same language, then the world better watch out.

xoxoxo

#teamchrissie

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