christmas hymns, rated.
carol of the bells: ₘₑᵣᵣᵧᴍᴇʀʀʏᵐᵉʳʳʸchristmasₘₑᵣᵣᵧᴍᴇʀʀʏᵐᵉʳʳʸchristmas. creepy as shit and loving every moment of it. perfect for holiday-themed vampire lurking outside the gothic cathedral of your choice. just enough of a frantic tone to keep you on your toes. and sung with a child choir? you’ve knocked it outta the park, bud. 10/10.
hark, the herald angels sing!: not the best. a bit dry. can lose you if you’re not paying attention. points for being easy for kiddies to sing at church though! we froth accessibility. 5/10.
good king wencelas: thin 👏 and 👏 crisp 👏 and 👏 even 👏 6/10.
o come, all ye faithful/adeste fideles: sex symbol. inventor of the crescendo. the absolute vibes this thing has are haunting, especially under and good church roof. smack an over confident leading tenor in the mix and you have a winner. 10/10.
ding dong! merrily on high: makes me feel like i’m a young peasant girl running through the streets of a quaint european village in the wintertime with no cares save what father christmas shall deliver to my stocking this eve. would definitely ₒₒᴼooᴼᴼᴼᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᴼᴼₒₒₒₒₒoooₒₒʰᵒˢᵃⁿⁿᵃ ᶦⁿ ᵉˣᶜᵉˡˢᶦˢ again. 9/10.
o holy night: the shift from relatively normal sounding verses to 𝖋𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖔𝖓 𝖞𝖔𝖚𝖗 𝖐𝖓𝖊𝖊𝖘, 𝖔𝖍 𝖍𝖊𝖆𝖗 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖊𝖑 𝖛𝖔𝖎𝖈𝖊𝖘 will never fail to shatter me like glass. 11/10
away in a manger: like hark, the herald angels sing! this one is pretty simple. easy for the whole family to sing which makes it an ideal church song! but lacks energy. a good wind down, but that’s about it. 5/10.
we three kings of orient: i always thought the “three kings” were sorta stupid and unnecessary. like, the shepherds i understand, but three randos from “the east”? seems shoehorned in honestly. kinda feels like whichever apostle (matthew?) wrote that in somehow knew that, years in the future, groups of unenthusiastic children were gonna have to be assigned roles in nativity plays and added three more possible characters just to stop half the kids from having to play sheep and grass so they could be “included”. cheers matt. song is okay i guess. 6/10.
once in royal david’s city: pretty inconsequential hymn, but the Choir of King’s College Cambridge do an arrangement that makes me believe in God for approx. four and a half minutes every time I listen to it. 8.5/10, bonus points for the king’s col. boys. ur doing so good lads. big love.
the first noël: a true banger and a great song to sing in church because there’s always some lady in the front pews who tries really hard to do all those killer soprano parts by herself. absolutely magical when sung right and absolutely magical when sung wrong. 10/10.
do i saw three ships you coward
i saw three ships: should only acceptable when it contains knockout levels tin-whistlery, which is rarely, but it’s fine without it i guess. songs that are formatted like conversations or exchanges are automatically a hit because they allow churches to temporarily segregate their congregations like back in the good old days, which they just love. genuine tune tho. 7/10 would dance around a maypole to.
christmas hymns (and carols), rated. pt 2.
o come o come, emmanuel: managed to turn “israel” into a 5+ syllable word which is a feat unto itself. the drama factor really fucking elevates it. heavy organ rattles me bones like nothing else. 7/10.
silent night: tender and mild really sums this shit up. i’d rather the night be silent than listen to this, if that’s an option. has negative vibes, negative energy, and i don’t know what the back half of this song sounds like because i fall asleep 20 seconds into it without fail. mild isn’t how i like my holy infants, chicken wings, OR hymns. 0/10.
in the bleak midwinter: has ample drama, but the abundance of latin is classist. really captures the spirit of awful english winters. 6/10.
update: the original poetry anthology this appeared in belonged to a woman, was called Goblin Market, and had some soft af ladies embracing in bed on the front cover so i’m retroactively bringing this up to a 9/10.
little donkey: forgot this existed until it was requested and i was overcome with such a wave of nostalgia i could not write for some time. tender and mild but in a nice, soft way that makes me ache for childhood. 10/10.
while shepherds watched their flocks by night: reads a little bit like the bethlehem local newsletter but that just means it’s an absolute classic church-y christmas song. we’ve done it! we’ve broken emotionless christian holiday content down to it’s bare essentials! 4/10.
the cat carol: Every Christmas my parents come alive, inviting droves of loved ones over to their house and hosting many parties throughout the holiday season. Newcomers will enter our abode during this time and my father will then, without fail, ask them if they have ever heard the cat carol. The answer is, invariably, “No, I haven’t”, which the man who raised me takes as an unspoken invitation to subject said houseguests to what might very well be the most upsetting piece of music ever crafted for human consumption. 1/10.
snoopy’s christmas: not a hymn, barely a carol, but should be both. ∞/10.
Obligatory pro-We Three Kings argument from an ex-goth: how you gonna not relish the crescendo during “myrrh is mine, its bitter perfume/breathes a life of gathering gloom/sorrow, Sighing, Bleeeeeeding, DyYying/SeEaled in stone cold tomb”
