It is insane how much I therapize my regulars. Last week one of my regulars came in after the funeral of one of his best friends. Dude is young too, only in his fifties. He was sad and got drunk and talked about his loss, and I fucking listened. It was hard because I don’t know much about physical loss, only mental loss. But I know how bad it fucking hurts. The man was sitting at my rail crying, and I just felt so hopeless.
Another regular came in tonight after fighting with her son or some shit. She was super upset and told me the situation and we agreed that sometimes the best thing you can do in those situations is walk away and cool down. She closed the bar down with me and we talked more and I tried to make her feel better. She said some really nice shit to me that almost made me cry.
Then I get berated by someone I’ve been actively trying to cut out of my life because I know it’s bad news and I know that I should have more self-worth. But sometimes I forget and act in moments of desperation. I’ve literally been hitting the stop button in my brain all week and it seemed to be helping.
Newsflash: all of the words used “hypocrite” “judgmental” “contempt for others” are a clear fucking reflection of yourself, dude. To tell me that I’m judgmental of others, that I’m harsh to people I first meet, is insane. Especially coming from someone who judged me so hard that it propelled us into opposite directions. Judged me for showing the tiniest, most minute, reflection of yourself and your past. It’s not hard to know that it’s all because you’re scared and lazy.
I don’t give a fuck anymore. I’m tired of these scared babies in my life. There’s a reason I take birth control. It’s because I don’t have the time or the patience for a fucking baby, psychic vampire in my life. Crying and acting irrational and being scared and running away because things are hard or real. Sucking the motherfucking energy right out of me.
If that’s what makes you happy, fine. Sorry for seeing a glimpse of something real inside of you and trying to get it to break through. I’m sorry you hate yourself that much.
The fact is, I don’t judge people. I fucking pity them. Sometimes it drives me away from the person, and sometimes it attaches me to them. Might as well be a motherfucking coin toss.
I know I have my issues. And I know I’ll never be able to take care of anyone else until I take care of myself. And that’s why I’ve finally started taking the steps. Getting into therapy and fucking seeing a psychiatrist. What the fuck are you doing? Suppressing your emotions and making excuses?
This place is fucking bullshit. There has to be more out there than what this place, the asshole of the nation, has in store.
