Ok, as a person going through their gender discovery journey, as someone who has struggled with gender for over a decade (acknowledging it and their entire life without actually knowing how to name it), this is how I perceive As It Was. This might be me projecting myself because H always makes me feel safe and free enough to choose the life I wanna live but I needed to get this off my chest.
First of all, the video and the lyrics just dramatically scream GENDER but I’ll focus only (or mostly) on the lyrics alone. Let’s begin!
Holdin’ me back
Gravity’s holdin’ me back
Ok, stating facts. Life just holds us back, the society we live in as much as it has improved and grown over the decades we are nowhere near total freedom. Gravity? You mean like the major law of the universe? The whole reason we are stucked in the material place we are? The world is holding H back, the way the worlds works is holding H back.
Nothin’ to say
When everything gets in the way
H has tried to speak up for years, to launch hundreds of signals and still some people feed off the Harry Styles persona and don’t even bother to question who H really is. So basically, there’s nothing more to say especially when everything gets in the way and nobody cares, nobody listens.
Seems you cannot be replaced
And I’m the one who will stay
Let’s remember that H literally has mentioned a woman that lives in his head (She) before. Let’s take this two lines as H talking to themselves. “Seems you cannot be replaced“ to me, refers directly to the woman in his head. H is literally accepting the fact, after god know how many years, that she is going nowhere. “And I’m the one who will stay“ it’s pure resignation/acceptance at this point. She is never going away it doesnt even matter how hard H tries, it doesnt matter how bad people wants H to fit in, she is not leaving and it’s ok because H as a whole is staying. Male H, femme H, both, neither, H as a whole is complete and staying after all.
In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was
Pure acceptance. All we got it’s ourselves, it doesnt matter how that comes out, we got ourselves or else nobody else will. After struggling, H is ok with how everything turned out, with everything they are because it’s not the same as it used to be, as it was.
“Harry, you’re no good alone
Why are you sitting at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?”
It doesnt matter if you believe this is a quote from someone close to H or if it’s H talking to themselves, only one word can describe this whole part: STRUGGLE. “Harry, you are not good alone” I cannot even begin to explain to a cis person what is like to grow and live in a body that you would like to change, to grow struggling constantly with your mind, to try and fight that feeling of loneliness of not belonging in your own body but we all can relate to the fact that being alone is the worst part of a struggle, your mind takes over and there is nothing left for you to do. “ Why are you sitting at home on the floor?” Hopelessness. “What kind of pills are you on?“ “Come on, mate that just sounds crazy” because let’s be honest the biggest possibility is that people surrounding you won’t understand. And the next line just adds more to the whole dilemma: “Ringin’ the bell And nobody’s coming to help”.
Go home, get ahead, light-speed internet
I don’t wanna talk about the way that it was
Just let the thoughts stop, please. I don’t wanna talk about it all. Especially how everything was before I understood it myself.
Leave America, two kids follow her
I don’t wanna talk about who’s doin’ it first
And this one is my favourite. I dont believe it is about H’s family but I do understand where you all coming from. I believe this line is about H’s identity. “Leave America” and what is America to the most of the world? The dream. The american dream. The thing every single living soul wants, what it’s “normal”. But leave it behind, leave the norms society force onto you behind. “Two kids” H. H is the two kids: he “himself” and the woman in his head. “Two kids follow her” and I believe her is everything H wants to be and I’m not necessarily talking about H being trans, I take the “her” more like freedom, the life H has always wanted to live as queer, as genderqueer. “Imma take everything I am and follow my own path”. “ I don’t wanna talk about who’s doin’ it first” Because H doesnt know who will make it first. Male H? Femme H? Both? Neither? And we come back to the acceptance of it all: just H. H as a whole person, embracing everything they are and being finally free enough to dance it out, freely.
So, yeah. Maybe I’m projecting, maybe I’m not but this is what the song means to me. Cheers to my genderqueers out there, you are loved by your mother.
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
izzy806
janainaart
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
