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@thisurlwillbestupidlong
Self harm during pandemic
Self harm during a pandemic is being an essential worker at a medical facility but taking ibuprofen religiously in hopes that you get sick/die.
I’m disappointed in myself and thought I was past the self harming.
Abuse from 2005-2010
I’ve been doing pretty okay lately but I’m back today because I am still scared of my abusive ex from many years ago.
I have moved out of my home town but whenever I think I am okay I realize I am scared of them again. They had so much power over me and I am scared they could hurt me again. Even seeing their name could upset me.
I’m scared and not sure how to not be scared anymore.
Master told me he didn’t know why he hasn’t killed himself yet.
….I’m sad.
This has become an everyday occurrence.
Relapsed.
It’s dumb because I had taken this knife and pressed it into my hand before and it didn’t hurt.
So I grabbed it and was like “I’ll just do the motion of cutting with a dull knife and the feeling will go away”
and then since then someone had changed the blade.
I didn’t cut too deep. I feel awful. Just needed to tell someone.
It’s fucking stupid but I wanted to talk to someone. That someone told me they had to talk to someone else. This keeps happening. Then I ghosted them and now I just feel alone. Depression is so dumb. I’m so dumb.
Started keeping a google doc instead of ranting publicly on here. Been helpful. Hope to bring it to my first counselling appointment as soon as I can get health care in October.
In other words, I am still depressed trash. As embarrassing as it is I go long amounts of time without showering because it gives me panic attacks. I always leave the shower feeling more dirty than when I got in and it makes me want to tear off my skin. I can find motivation to do a lot of things but the negatives of the showering experience outweigh the positives for me right now. But here I am getting all ready to wash this body and hair today so here we go...
I am not me. That person is a person whose been hurt. I was not hurt when I was someone else. I never felt that pain when I wasn’t this person. I can’t be me anymore.
Master told me he didn’t know why he hasn’t killed himself yet.
....I’m sad.
being mentally ill + suicidal at a young age (before 18) is. strange, because you grow up with this idea that one day you’ll finally snap, turn off, be brave enough to kill yourself, so you don’t really plan for the future. adulthood- further life, it isn’t for you, nor do you feel included within the future of it. it isn’t.. it isn’t part of your life plan.
and then before you know it you’re 18 and you’re an adult but you never thought you’d get this far and sure it’s great that you’re still alive you guess but also. you feel so alone + lost in a world you never expected or planned to be a part of.
i feel like i still struggle with this almost everyday and I’m almost 24.
Today's me is only living by forgetting 5he me I left behind yesterday.
Had a nightmare last night that Sara was talking badly about you using the name Andvari. Apparently it's a name of a money-stealing, shape shifting creature. This is 100% what I think of her. I think she used you for your money. I think she lied to make you interested in her and you think she was legit but I do not believe that at all. She made you feel less alone but we're all alone so there's no way to rid you of that feeling so I assume she's lying. And she is not worth drinking yourself into a black out every weekend for all of 2016.
I’m getting scared because it’s 2006 all over again...
Why am I having these flashbacks? You are not her.... Why am I so scared? I’ve been having nightmares like crazy. I am so scared.... I don’t knwo how to talk to you about it without freaking out help.
20:58:10> "Him": I have a serious question for you, before I drink too much
"Me": kay
"Him": If you arent in the mood for one ill wait on it
"Me": We'll see
"Him": If you say so
"Him": Are you happy?
"Me": I feel pretty happy. I am grumpy right now because I am on my period
"Him": Well thats temporary, it doesnt count. Just bathe in it.
"Him": Thats all I wanted to know though, im glas
"Him": glad*
"Me": It was fine until my room mate's dog went into the garbage can and thought it was a meaty treat
"Me": But I feel pretty happy.
"Him": Yuck, thats gross. You didnt wash it on your skin enough
"Me": apparently
"Him": Only reason I ask is cause you ranked **** a 2 before, and considering our past times im still at least somewhat invested
"Him": But it doesnt really matter I suppose, as long as you like where you are
"Me": Sometimes he is not what I am looking for in a partner but I feel like our relationship set up is good so that I won't hurt anyone like I hurt you again.
"Me": But... last year I cut a lot and... I feel like I have been clean for the most part this year... don't know if that's **** or new therapist
"Him": I dont mean to make it sound like you are bad either, just to preface that. Im not trying to start something here lol. But friends should look out for one another, and I know that **** gets a lot of shit from almost everyone here (im not saying he doesnt deserve it) but it shouldnt matter as long as you dont think it matters. I apologize for dredging up old thigns also, I shouldnt need ot
"Him": to*
"Me": At this point I like where I am going. And it would hurt a lot if it didn't work out but if it didn't, that's also life.
Sometimes I miss her smell. I miss her. I miss holding her. I miss her so much. I miss the good times but remember the bad. I just miss feeling that devoted and that happy when I was her main attention....
But I know it would be best for me if I only missed the money she still owes me...
I tend to think pretty highly of my emphatic abilities... and from reading your convo I know she is a lying bitch that you chose to cling to because you wanted someone like you. I am sorry you are alone in this world but she is not what you thought. She is nothing like you thought. She was lying to get free food. You told me yourself. Understand why I hate her and hate you for liking her.
Not sure if took my medicine twice on accident. I am sweaty and dizzy....
I will be unhappy if she messages you and you get back together.
....but will I make you choose me or her? Would that make you leave me?
Poly is tough.
