Diego's purest of thoughts

I try to speak with truth, justice and virtue. It doesn't always end up that way, though.

[thoughtsbyfire]

M: Your inability to communicate and your disregard for the power imbalance because you KNOW how much I care about you, and you can’t bring yourself to feel that way about me kills me.

J: You show zero initiative. I try so hard to see you, talk to you, get to know you and you don’t seem to care about that.

Q: You’ve straight up used me. You were only in it for tacos and to talk about yourself. I’m not sure you were ever interested in or attracted to, me. You disappear for months and then pop back up for an escape and a free meal.

V: I don’t know what’s happened with you. I understand you have a lot going on and I’m giving you a long leash and benefits of the doubt as I have with the above three historically, but I have a sinking feeling it’s shaping up the same way.

[thoughtsbyfire]

It’s 11/30, and I think your window’s officially closed. You were the one who suggested meeting up back in June. You went to Mexico in July. We tentatively scheduled a day in August. Then, everything happened with your cousin and the drama with your family so I gave you grace and tried to be there for you as best I could and didn’t try to force the issue. September rolled around and you didn’t bring it back up. It took me talking to you about it in October to tentatively re-schedule between 11/22 and today, 11/30. But then, you never got back to me on which day you wanted to meet up. I sent you a voice note wishing you a happy birthday right at midnight on 11/1. You didn’t get back to me until a week or so later after going quiet for weeks. You gave me a self-admitted weak excuse for withdrawing but offered no update. I’m not heartless and selfish, so of course I didn’t press the issue and hoped for the best but expected that I’d be writing this update (or lack thereof). The thing that really got to me was our last phone conversation where we tentatively set up the November meeting and you admitted that you didn’t know/remember my birthday. You wrote it in your phone. And after all that - you still didn’t message me on my birthday. You wished me a weak, belated birthday nearly at midnight the night after. I understand you’ve got a lot going on but so do I and as I predicted - I prioritize you way more than you prioritize me. I care about you considerably more than you do about me. And I deserve better. There is no reciprocity with us. It’s a

shame because I would do literally anything within my power for you. So I’m just going to slide away, and see how you react. Because once you lose the lover boy in me, I’m not sure you’ll want to retain me at all. If I don’t bless you with my attention and care, what value do I really have to you? I’m upset. If it ever comes to light in conversation, I’ll be diplomatically forthcoming. But I don’t suspect it will. We’re not on the same frequency. And that’s a shame. I still think it’s a waste of magic.

[thoughtsbyfire]

Mickey. I choose you. You’re the one my heart wants. I wish that were enough.

[thoughtsbyfire]

I feel guilty. Not because I kissed you. Not because I don’t like you. It’s because I know what you want and I don’t know if I can give it to you. You like the fact that I’m calm and cool and it brings you some stability. I can be that for you. But my heart still yearns for another.

It’s not physical. It’s not sexual. I just feel an irrepressible magnetism towards her. I want to hear her voice. I want to know how she is. I want to laugh about the day’s events and discuss the horrors of society. I want her to let me love her.

The difference is you’re open to loving me. You’re not shy about physical touch and quality time. As someone who’s been touch starved, I welcomed your touch. Maybe I’m just overthinking this (go figure) and can ride this out and hopefully temper expectations so that we continue getting better acquainted.

[thoughtsbyfire]

February

I'm a little late with this entry but let's go over the quickest month of the year in a not-so-quick fashion. Jay fell off the face of the earth. She moved to Schenectady (presumably) and hasn't returned any of my texts or the couple of times I tried to shithouse cold call her.

Mali and I spoke a few times on the phone and over FaceTime. She's a sweet girl, but I haven't spoken to her in a couple of weeks. I kind of feel bad for semi-ghosting her. I just never really got the feeling she actually wanted to meet up with me and go on a proper date. Maybe she's too guarded and I needed to work on that, but I got a little distracted.

The distraction came by way of *another* Hinge match. *Another* mother, but this time she was actually local to Albany. Quay matched with me on a Friday around noon and after exchanging a few messages, we met later that night at Ama Cocina. In the interest of being completely transparent - this girl is the most attractive of the three. On top of that - we've now seen each other three times at Ama Cocina and we've been talking quite a bit on FaceTime.

As this is *my* life, and my life must follow the rules of the comedy club - she's now homeless. I have no idea how we've gotten to this point, but on our third 'date' on Valentine's Day no less - she told me that if she didn't find a place by the following Tuesday, she'd be looking for shelter. I've helped her when I can by paying for some Ubers here and there, or buying her and her kids some Chinese food. Oh right, she's got *two* kids, zero of which I knew about going into the first date because she didn't mention that on her Hinge profile. On top of that, the father (of both of them? I think?) passed away eighteen months ago. Of course I haven't inquired about that, either. I think the next time we either a) see each other, or b) have a long chat over FT, I need to be direct with her and ask her if she actually sees a future being in a relationship/dating me after all of her shit calms down. I can't be emotionally tying myself down to her if she only considers me a friend since I'm the only person outside of her sister that she talks to.

The work entry remains the same. Work is fine. It's been unusually busy but I suppose that's fine because it justifies me having some overtime pay which I desperately need. Now that I've completed my tax return, I really need to reset my finances and get back into some semblance of stability.

And yes, unfortunately - despite all these virtual/physical encounters with women, I still feel so lonely. I still miss Michaela. I still want her. I'm desperately trying not to think about her and stop myself from texting her but it's still incredibly hard. It's nearly been four months since we saw each other and since my heart got broken, but I'm *still* not over her.

[thoughtsbyfire]

January

We're two thirds through the first month. The transition of power has taken place. Everything's about to get way more expensive. Great.

I started off the year talking to two new girls off the dating apps. I felt good about taking the focus away from dwelling/yearning for Michaela but the early promise has nearly dissipated as I've just about lost contact with both Jay and Mali.

Work is fine. The higher ups (predictably) shit themselves after the all the backlash and threats of mass exits from the company about their "return to office" policy changes slated for 2025. I was never really going to be affected by the policy per my management team, but it's nice to see that corporate shithouses don't get their way.

My dad is adamant about trying to guilt me into going to Guatemala with him in March. I told him that I don't have money to travel and he went into moping mode by saying how he wishes I could go, and how my sister could go but that he guesses he'll have to go alone.It's sad to analyze that he really doesn't *know* his kids. He doesn't wonder why we have little to no connection with his side of the family? Is it really that surprising to him that several family members who have either a) rarely or b) never have reached out to me or my sister aren't priorities in our lives? And it has zero to do with my mom's influence contrary to his confabulated conspiracies. It's purely factual.

Ultimately, the month started off with great energy, ambition, and desire. The ambition and desire still remain, but I got sick and it sort of derailed the energy I was trying to pour into my goals. I will get back on it this week as I'm determined to shake off these bad vibes.

I just want to be happy with my life for once. Not disappointed. Not lamenting circumstances. Not frustrated. Just happy.

[thoughtsbyfire]

[thoughtsbyfire]

Well, I did it. I reached out and I purposely re-integrated you back into my life. For all the effort it took for me to do it, the conversation is effortless. Infuriatingly effortless. I feel so comfortable talking to you and it’s all I want to do but I know that I now have to be myself to you as if I don’t want anything. It’s effortless but largely empty conversation. I feel so torn up about this but it was the right thing to do. I will not allow your absence to dictate my energy so your presence (albeit vastly limited and carefully curated) will be set as a background tone for 2025.

You told me that it was nice hearing from me - I know that’s genuine - but what I’ll never know is if it crossed your mind that you wouldn’t hear from me. I know it’s messed up to wonder these things because it’s almost as if I wanted you to experience the withdrawal of not having me in your life. I want to know how important you think I am to you. But the truth will never come out unless you reveal it later. I believe I care about you way more than you care about me. But that’s not a productive thought process so we’ll leave that there.

Point is, we’re present in each other’s lives. Background figures - rooting for each other, caring about one another, but doomed to this purgatory that I have no control over, no flexibility, and likely no mobility from.

[thoughtsbyfire]

Forty days. If I’m completely honest - I’m not ready to be friends with you. But if I don’t make this move now, we won’t talk. And I’m willing to be a background figure in your life if you become one in mine. I prefer having you in my life than not. Zero expectations. The occasional text here and there from me checking in. If you talk to me more, then I’m all for it and we’ll go from there. If it gets to Q2 and you remain distant, then I’ll know that this is done forever and we’ll move on fully (assuming I’ve not dated successfully until then). Is it smart to break no contact now? Probably not. Will I tell people about it? Also no. But I’m not going into 2025 without you in some sort of capacity and I certainly refuse to let this unsuccessful attempt drag me down any further than it has already. If anything, this is me reclaiming sovereignty of my own feelings and boundaries. And I’m a man of my word. I’m doing my part (as always). The rest is up to you. My heart will always be open to you, but it’s up to you now in which capacity you want to involve yourself in.

[thoughtsbyfire]

I’ve matched with someone. I doubt it will lead to anything simply because as nice a distraction as it is, I’m just not ready to dive in getting to know someone when I still think of you constantly. I know you said you hope I get everything I deserve in life and in love, yet here I am still wishing and waiting for it to be you. I just can’t lose hope and give up on you because I don’t feel that’s right even if that were to be your wish.

I want to respect your decision but I wholeheartedly believe you’re making a mistake.

[thoughtsbyfire]

Are we just torturing ourselves by not speaking to each other? Or is it just a me thing? Did I entangle myself so much with you that now I swipe through dating apps seeing that there are attractive women out there but knowing that I still ache thinking about you?

I know you’re probably not in the game of dating apps (or at least I hope you aren’t given what you wrote me) but I doubt that this is a reciprocal feeling. Do you even miss what we had? You’ve told me you’ve missed hearing from me before. I want to believe that was the truth. I want to believe that’s still the case and that you aren’t speaking to me only because I said I needed time. I just don’t want to let you go. I think it’s such a waste of magic. We had to have been brought together again for a reason, surely? Why would a stray DM lead to what it led to without a deeper meaning or reason. I refuse to believe this is all coincidental.

We weren’t part of each other’s lives for three years. Life has been better when you’re part of mine. I don’t know if I have that same effect on you.

[thoughtsbyfire]

I think too much about you. I wonder how you’re doing. I want to hear about your day and how your kids were being little menaces. I want to hear about the co-worker drama. I want to be part of your Spanish education. I yearn to hear your new theories about the music industry. I want to know what ridiculous errands your family is asking you to do at inconvenient times.

Our connection was built on relatable struggles, banter, cultural exchange, and dry humor. I don’t experience that with anyone else. I don’t know if you don’t experience that with others, either. I’m so curious to know if I cross your mind and when that would be. What do you feel when something reminds you of me? Are you struggling like me? Do you even really care? Are you re-adjusting to life as it was from 2021 to September 2024 with me not in the picture?

These are all questions that deserve but will never receive answers. When I speak to you again, I don’t know if this will ever be brought up. Are we going to sweep the past under the rug minus the platonic connection? Are you really expecting me to repress the feelings I had/have for you? I’m supposed to just talk and listen and feel nothing? Or rather, feel a dynamic that is nonnegotiable, stoic, without passion, and one of courtesy.

I understand that you feel you’d be a bad partner right now and that you want to be single for a foreseeable future. But does that mean that whenever you emerge from this phase of your life that I’m immediately and automatically disqualified from the running? Because at that point, we’ll be in different places in our lives. Who’s to say that I haven’t monumentally improved? My economic situation could finally be stable. My personal life could level out and finally not be all over the place. I could be physically fitter. I could be healthier, and better, and up. Because at that point - it’s me isn’t it? I wasn’t enough for you to change your mind at your “worst”. You might not think I’m enough at your “best”.

That’s very tough to take, especially when all I wanted to do was love you for who you are in the present moment. Not who you were. Not who you’re going to be. You, as you are. Perfectly imperfect, working on yourself, and struggling just like we all are. I don’t care about getting the finished article. I wanted to be part of the journey. And, I wanted to be a home en route to the final destination.

[thoughtsbyfire]

My panic attacks are back since I went home. It’s kind of comical how I could think of nothing but how heartbroken I was and one family argument changed that and now all I can think of is stress and pain. I feel like I can’t handle anything not going my way and my body just collapses on itself with the slightest bit of conflict.

I went from feeling light and hopeful to heavy, numb, and empty. Having you in my life buoyed me. You were my little light that I could focus on while I was navigating the dark paths around me. I was able to traipse tumultuous terrain because I knew I had your smile to guide me through it.

Now we don’t speak because I told you I needed time. I wish I didn’t. I wish I hadn’t gotten so invested in you. I’m angry at myself for falling despite audibly acknowledging that I needed to play it cool and go slowly. I know you said that I was great but I still blame myself for you not choosing to explore a relationship with me. I’ve overanalyzed every action and sequence from our date and I still can’t comprehend why we’re where we’re at right now.

I talk to you every night before I go to sleep hoping that the ether connects us neurologically, because I’m too much of a coward to send a text right now. But I miss you so much. And I want to talk to you so badly. I miss your voice. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss our banter.

This fucking blows.

[thoughtsbyfire]

Emptiness.

You were the only person I wanted to hear from on my birthday. You were the only person I really wanted to see a text from. I understand that my last message said that I needed time to recover from this bomb you dropped on me. I realize that this is you respecting a boundary I didn't even necessarily want to set. I know I might have crossed your mind once or twice yesterday and you might have wanted to send me a happy birthday. I also know that you may have considered it either a) disingenuous or b) ironic that you'd wish me a happy birthday when you probably know the only thing I would have wanted for my birthday was you.

It was a fine birthday. My family did their best, as they always do. I was awoken by "Birthday" by The Beatles, breakfast, and then surprised by my sister with an hour acupuncture treatment at her job. We wrapped with an early dinner at my favorite local restaurant and a variety of slices of cakes at home.

But it all just felt like going through the motions. I'm appreciative and grateful of those around me who care. But, to say that I "enjoyed" my 32nd birthday is a big stretch.

I feel devoid of hope, bereft of emotion, and yet I still miss you terribly.

[thoughtsbyfire]

(11/20, 11:40pm) Every time I shut off the lights to go to sleep, I hope and I pray that you’ll text me. You’d tell me that you changed your mind and that you miss me too much to not have me in your life. A second chance (that’s really a fourth chance) to make this work. You say you don’t think you’d be a good partner and yet all I can envision is the ways in which you would excel as my partner. Three texts a day. A “good morning, I wish you a smooth day at work” text. A lunchtime, “I’m thinking of you, please hydrate and nourish yourself well to fuel your day” text. And a “night night, I wish you peaceful rest, and sweet dreams” text. I don’t necessarily need to hear from you all day. I want to. But I wouldn’t put that pressure on you. You don’t even have to immediately love me. I don’t want you to feel obligated to love me. I just wish you would think about me and appreciate me for all that I am and all that I’m going to be.

[thoughtsbyfire]

What I actually sent at 6:21pm, 11/19: “Hey. As always, I appreciate your kindness, your authenticity, and your honesty. I’m not going to hide the fact that this broke me a little bit. Truthfully, as much as I tried to hide it - nervousness got to me at dinner, and I probably wasn’t at my best. I understand where you’re coming from and I respect your decision. I want you to be happy, and to be true to yourself, even if that means not wanting to explore this more. I’m open to remaining friends, even though I’ll need some time and won’t be checking in for a while, or as often.

I’m grateful that we reconnected and I don’t regret giving this a go. I’ve always considered you a special one. In the meantime, I’m gonna do me - I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve the world, whether I get to be part of your life or not.”

[thoughtsbyfire]

(3:30am, 11/18) Hey. As always, I appreciate your kindness, your authenticity, and your honesty. I’m not going to hide the fact that this broke me a little bit. Truthfully, as much as I tried to hide it - nervousness got to me, and I wasn’t at my best. I understand where you’re coming from and I respect your decision. I want you to be happy, and to be true to yourself, even if that means I don’t get what I want. I’m open to remaining friends, even though I won’t be checking in for a while, or as often.

If there’s a future where you change your mind, or I cross your mind in a sense that feels more than a friend, I’m willing to leave the door open. I’m not going to hide the fact that I’ve been into you since the moment we first spoke five years ago. I think you’re a special one and you hold a place in my heart. I waited five years for a first date, and I’m willing to wait longer or be open to trying again if the fates decide to cross our paths later on down the line. I’m grateful that we reconnected and I don’t regret giving this a go. If there isn’t a future where you change your mind - that’s fine, too.

In the meantime, I’m gonna do me - I wish you nothing but the best. You deserve to be happy, whether I get to be part of your life or not.