I’ve been a mom for a little over a year now and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m still trying to put my feelings about motherhood into words; yes it’s beautiful and I love my daughter more than life itself, but there are times when I wonder if I’m cut out for this.
I was replaying a conversation I had with a neighbor from earlier today. She asked me if I was excited that Madelyn is now 1, and without much hesitation, I said not really.
Not a weird reply I guess since toddlers are notorious for their irrational tantrums, screaming fits, and let’s be real, the screaming, crying, and lack of personal space can drive anyone nuts.
But as I was replaying the conversation in my head, I realized that what I do look forward to is when Maddie is at an age when I can start being my own person again. They say in the first 3months, newborns think that they and their mother are the same person, and as they grow into older babies and toddlers, they start to understand that they are separate individuals. I feel like the process is the exact opposite for mothers. In the beginning, mothers are themselves, and as their baby gets older, the mother invest more time, love, nurturing and more and more of herself into her baby that her identity and everything about her is her children.
Since so much is devoted to our children, we can’t help but to lose ourselves and we start to define ourselves and base it heavily on the mother we are. Our worth is intertwined with how well we mother and that’s why we have some mothers who are extremely judgement or where the concept of “mom-shaming” comes from, and the concept of mom-guilt.. the idea that in motherhood, we give as much as we have and we ultimately fear that it’s not enough.
I guess why I feel like this thought is so profound is because it makes me realize that I have devoted so much of myself and sometimes I just want to hold onto what little is left. I miss my old, carefree self a lot of the times and I look forward to getting some of that back at some point in my life and it’s ok to admit it too.
It’s ok to admit that I don’t always like losing myself to motherhood, but it’s still going to happen because that’s what motherhood is: giving the best of me to my baby because i love her and want to give her everything… and at the end of the day, it’s not her millions of toys that she wants, but for me to cuddle her and to hold her (all the time) lol
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