high modernist @timstokers - Tumblr Blog

just saw this poll about how much you would pay for shoes and things like that are always very frustrating to me bc the majority vote is over £100 which i understand is like a reasonable price for good shoes that have been well made etc. but i would never spend more than £25 on shoes bc if i was spending over £25 on shoes i'd be fucking myself over big time. like i have one pair of shoes that cost like £15 i wear everyday quite luckily i don't have any requirements re: jobs, or comfort/support like i can just stick with regular trainers. and it's the same with clothes like i simply can't afford to spend more than £10 on a tshirt, which makes my friends quite judgemental of me. like they wanted to buy a sheepskin rug for £65 and i said i personally wouldn't bc it's so expensive, and they got really judgemental saying well actually it's v cheap when you consider the cost of labour and materials etc and you should be paying that much like anything cheaper would have been produced unethically etc. and i'm like i know that. but it still doesn't make it affordable for me. basically it annoys me how people will judge me for choosing the cheaper option from chain stores like new look and primark over clothes from shops like lucy and yak without seeming to realise it's not bc i prefer cheaper stuff but that i have no choice but to go with cheaper stuff.

maybe i shouldn't have lied to the doctor. it was a pretty transparent lie tbf like i'd dug my nails in enough to leave marks, i shake a lot and my voice goes very quiet. he asked like five times over if i was sure i didn't have any anxiety at all or symptoms of it. and i kept saying no. even though therapist gemma has already said i probably have ocd + depression.. idk gemma felt less official? like that was just six sessions and then my file is forgotten about it was with the uni so it's not really logged outside of the uni and even then it's pretty private. but nhs is Not private for me like the gp doctors are all friends with my family I've heard what they talk about there's no guarantee of confidentiality. and my mum works in the pharmacy like any medication they prescribe me, she'll do the admin for it. and i won't move gp practice bc prescriptions are free in wales while you have to pay in england. this is the third time they've told me to go on antidepressants like i probably should right?

i always feel really immature for spiraling and then vent posting on here idk but writing in a journal which i also did today is worse to me bc i'm more likely to read over those pages + convince myself that's all my life is while i won't look at these posts again either bc i delete them or bc tumblr has the worst search function ever. and writing down thoughts makes them tangible and clarifies them, it puts an order to the rush of thoughts in the mind yk it can be calming to actually see what you're thinking when it's hard to actually process it all floating in your head. anyways spiraling is worse when you're fighting against the spiral and there is a lot of relief in just giving up. which is just me not wanting to face short term consequences of the former and instead will now face the long term consequences of the latter. good luck to future suki. to give myself credit i had a pretty terrible week last week and i kept it mostly together it's just unfortunate that this week which was meant to be happy will now be lived with the emotional hangover from last week. i want to cut myself so bad i've been shaking all day from resisting it I'm skipping seminar tomorrow i can't go i can't

i just feel so infantalised all the time like i manage to do smth that's like 'overcoming mental illness' and instead of being able to appreciate it as like progress or whatever everyone starts congratulating me and turns it into a big deal but they talk to me like a child why am i being told well done and getting high fived for doing a basic task. and i am a good few years younger than everyone here i understand that but i'm still 21. not 14. all it does is make me feel pathetic and worse. ik people are just trying to be nice but they don't need to be overcompensating like just let the moment pass let me have it to myself it's worse when you draw attention to it

does anyone else ever find that when they think about one of those unthinkable things yk one of those things you have locked up entirely bc you simply can't think about it and then you do think about it and you try and lock it up again and forget about it and you push it so far out but it's the only thing you can think of so when it's gone you're just left with this void in your head and it literally feels like death like there's nothing you're nothing it's oblivion and you can only take it for 15 seconds max before feeling the worst fear in the world bc you've terrified yourself with that emptying of your mind and then when everything rushes back in it's too much and you end up with a headache and a panic attack and your body can't bear to touch anything not even your feet on the ground and then you just claw at yourself. does anyone get what i mean

just made a purchase and now i feel sick should i cancel it well no i shouldn't it's literally just stickers for my laptop but it feels like a bad purchase. actually what am i saying this horrible feeling is bc i'm nervous for my seminar tomorrow fucking hell

i think my therapist is playing tricks on me. we were talking about my gaps of memory and then she goes 'did you book a doctors appointment like we said? you know i gave you a little to do list or did you forget?' and ofc i hadn't booked a doctor's appointment bc like we talked about last time i don't want to go to the gp because i don't want this on my records and so i said i don't think you told me to do that bc she didn't i'm confident she didn't tell me to go to the doctors. but she was like oh i think you did forget and it felt very taunting after i just told her how scary it is living with these gaps in my head

idk why i thought this therapist might be different like halfway through the session she asked about my dad and then she honed in on that and tried to say everything i feel comes from the moment he left - when i know for a fact that it's not? but she kept pushing that angle and i got quite defensive bc she started talking about me as if i was a fictional character and about what 'the manifestations of my mental health represent' and i said to her like that makes me feel like a child it makes me feel like you don't think i'm real and she just went 'ok well i'll see you in a fortnight' and finished the session. i hate the narrative of daddy issues so much bc everyone falls back on it and tbh i think it's a cultural + class thing bc they always pass over my guilt for wasting the sacrifices my family made when immigrating here and she's on about uncertainty in my life after my dad left and i'm like no. the uncertainty over my life stems from financial insecurity my family are poor and i was supposed to lift them out of it but it's looking very unlikely now. but whatever i guess i'll just see if she keeps trying to push it next time too

first therapy session with these fellas tomorrow and i'm like i'm gonna have nothing to tell her and she'll realise that i'm actually fine and wasting her time but honestly thank god for this journal bc i can read it and go no actually you haven't had anything other than tea in three days and you've cried every day and you think there are spiders in your ears that you scratch out till they bleed gemma is gonna love you. i'm also being big and brave and strong and going to my lecturers office hour to say i don't understand the assesment even though it's months away bc i like to be 🔛🔝of things

should i just get wine from the petrol station it's the closest shop to me and the pub is not a solo activity god if i were american i could drink alone at the bar and everyone would think i'm cool instead i have to drink alone on a park bench and get called a chav

idk where i am. nothing feels real i can't tell whatbwas a dream/thought and what actually happened. everything feels really scary and it's like there's lead in my blood. i feel profoundly alone and don't think that will ever change. nothing feels real i can't concentrate on anything. < writing this down so i can just show these posts to my therapist and also get the affirmation of posting for attention

algorithms areso funny i said i was sad in a post and now every post in the little for you tab is tagged with ten variations of bpd

i'm probably being dramatic but rn it really doesn't feel like it but i genuinely don't know what to do. i'm so lost i'm so sad i can't even articulate it i just have absolutely no idea what i'm supposed to do and the only thing i do know is that i would really like a negroni rn but where the fuck am i getting a negroni

what happens after you accept that your friends and family were all right you have neither the capacity to love or be loved then what

stupid fucking depression apathy

feeling oh so very lonely tonight. i kinda do just want to be in a relationship but like it's becoming more and more difficult to conceptualise that in my future. and a part of me is just so ashamed that i haven't had an actual relationship yet bc of how many people have said to me i dont have the capacity to love or be loved and jts like i'm proving ithem right. i've been on so many dates but i never feel any kind of interest in anything neither romantically nor sexually like someone said do you actually want to have sex with this person or would you let them have sex with you and like. it's always the latter. i can count on one hand the number of people where ive actually thought yeah i want to have sex with them and i've never even had a proper crush. everything i do on a date just feels like an actual of courtesy like i don't have any motivation to do anything myself. and like maybe if i didn't have all those people saying things to me while I grew up id actually be fine being single and probably go along the lines of aromantic or whatever. but i really do want a relationship i do but i have lost all belief that it'll happen to me. and it makes me low-key want to cry whenever i think about the lack of love in my life especially when it's my friends and family saying about how i'm unloveable like so i'm not even worth platonic or familial love fucking thank you

finally had my timetable i've got very few contact hours as it is and they've put them all on the same day right after each other 😭 like a) i'll always be late to one bc they're an 8 minute walk apart. b) what am i supposed to do every other day of the week with no incentive to leave the house. c) i don't even want to do this masters anymore. d) i can't stomach anything when i'm nervous but now i'll be nervous 9-2 :/

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