Tim Tebow: The Pursuit If Purity

[timtebowerotica]

That’s Juniper

As we rode through the darkness towards Tim’s big secret, I felt a mounting excitement. I had never gone off of an itinerary before. I felt giddy, like when I watched my first PG movie or had a soda with caffeine. Tim had put on The Veggie Tales Turnips Play the Hits, which was my favorite cd. Once, when we were first dating, Tim got a bouquet of helium balloons. He inhaled the helium from a balloon and sang along wearing a Larry mask. He passed out half-way through the first track, and I nearly passed out too with laughter. He made me so happy. “We’re here,” Tim said. We had pulled up to his house, but I knew we wouldn’t be going inside. Purity is never an accident, and a couple in the first stage of a 5-year courtship inside a house alone would only lead to trouble. Papa said that our hair would fall out if he ever were alone, but I knew papa often said things that weren’t true to keep me on the right path. He came around and opened my door for me. I could tell he was nervous, but his face held a deep resolve. “I’ve never showed anyone what I’m about to show you, but I want you to see my gift. I don’t know why God gave it to me, but I know He has a grand purpose.” To calm his nerves, I took his hand. We had agreed not to hold hands yet, but I sensed tonight was special. We walked around to the back of his house when Tim let go of my hand. He turned on two large flood lights which illuminated his back yard. I was unprepared for what I saw before me. Tim’s backyard was as big as a football field, covered in grass and tall trees. Standing in the grass was a dozen deer, a mountain lion, several foxes, and a buffalo. I looked into the trees and saw more doves and squirrels than I could count. Something brushed against my leg, and I saw a skunk looking up at me. Terrified, I put my hands over my mouth to muffle a scream and began to back away. I thought I had backed into a tree, but Tim had come behind me. “Stinky likes you,” he said with a grin, gesturing towards the skunk. A large owl was perched on his shoulder, and a dozen field mice were swarming around his feet. “Is that a mountain lion?” “That’s Juniper. You don’t ever need to be afraid of her.” To prove his point, he walked over to her and put his hands between her large shoulders. She purred like a kitten, and rolled onto her back in the hopes that Tim would rub her tummy. Without thinking, I ran back to Tim’s Prius, found an empty brown bag, and began to breathe deeply into it.

[timtebowerotica]

They kept growing back!

Tim and I were on our way to celebrate six months of courting. He has a Harrisite, a term he coined to describe people who lived according to Josh Harris’s masterpiece I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Our courtship now included formal unchaperoned dates, although my father always had a detailed itinerary. We stuck to it by the second, because purity is never an accident. “You remember when I first called you up?” Tim asked. Of course I remembered. I had been out back churning butter when papa told me I had a visitor. “I was more afraid of your dad than any coach or football player I’d ever faced. Does he castrate the sheep every day or just when he knows I’m coming by?” This was a very difficult subject for me and my family. Papa said that the testicles kept growing back, but the bad kid next door (who watched cable television and listened to secular music) said that when part of a pee-pee is cut off, it never grows back again. I just screamed and ran away and altered my walk home too and from school by two miles to avoid him. I didn’t like talking about papa. It made me feel disloyal. “So those doves still follow you around?” I asked, trying to change the subject. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about tonight.” He pulled the car over underneath a streetlight, which would put us behind on our itinerary. We were constantly having to adjust our itineraries to accommodate Tim’s insistence on driving five miles-per-hour below the speed limit and the fact that he drove a Prius. “I was wondering if we could forget about the itinerary tonight and do something different. There’s something I want you to know about me. There’s a secret I’ve never been able to tell anybody that I need to share with you if we are going to continue our courtship.” I started to protest, but he cut me off. “I already got our shift covered at the soup kitchen tonight, and I never made a reservation at The Olive Garden.” I shifted in my seat. It made our itinerary a lie, and papa always said that lies made baby Jesus cry. I sat in silence, feeling like Tim was a stranger. I was still shaken from all that had happened at Tom and Gisele’s renewal ceremony. “I’ve never told anyone the real reason I left football. It’s been on my chest and I need to get it off.” I resisted looking at his chest. Going off the itinerary made me feel giddy, and papa said that giddiness was the devil’s favorite tool. “Mary Grace,” Tim said. “I want to take you somewhere and show you something. But you have to trust me.” “OK Tim,” was all I could say. After waiting eight minutes for traffic to clear, we drove off into the twilight.

[timtebowerotica]

Vow renewal part 3: Peyton and the crows

Peyton stood before us, casting a long shadow behind him. “There’s someone in his shadow,” I whispered urgently to Tim. “It’s his brothers Eli and Cooper,” he said, his eyes locked on to Peyton. He and Tom were holding hands, and something had set off his peter meter. I cursed myself for shaving my legs. “Knock, knock Tim,” he said through snarled lips. “Don’t answer,” I urged him. “It’s a trap!” But I was too late. “Who’s there?” he responded. “Tim,” Peyton said. Tim cocked his head to the side as he often did when he was confused by something. He always did that when there was a blitz or his first read was covered. “Tim who?” “That’s funny,” Peyton said. “That’s what everyone in Denver said when I moved into town.” The crows joined the Manning brothers in the darkest laughter I have ever heard. “I’m sorry,” Tom yelled over the laughing crows. “I couldn’t hear that over my three Super Bowl rings.” That was Tom for you. He always had a sharp tongue. You could see that hurt Manning, as he looked down and kicked his feet. He could read a blitz, but Tom was always quicker on his feet. His confidence was restored when Eli put his hand on his shoulder. “I know I wasn’t invited to your little love-fest tonight, but I came anyway.” We stood in icy silence 30 yards apart, just out of range from Tim if he had wanted to throw something at him. The silence was broken by a deep growl from something just outside of the light. We could see a pair of eyes that belonged to a large cat. “It’s Juniper!” Tim cried out. “Who?” I asked. “Juniper, the mountain lion I rescued from the trap a few months back.” The mountain lion stepped into the light, its long tail moving slowly. It gave another menacing snarl as it prepared to pounce on Peyton. “Juniper, no!” Tim yelled, but the cat has its own agenda. Peyton reached into his pocket and pulled out a large Papa John’s peperoni pizza and whipped it into the forest, carefully placing it between two trees. Juniper raced after it and disappeared into the forest. “He’s so accurate,” I said, but nobody could hear me over the crows. Eli and Cooper began to pull him away. “Let’s get back to your Oldsmobile,” Eli urged his brother. “This isn’t over!” Peyton yelled over his shoulder as they disappeared into the forest. Tom and Tim both visibly relaxed, although Tim wouldn’t let go of Tom’s hand. The crows all flew away and the doves returned to the branches. “Tim, take me home,” I said in a shaky voice. This had all been too much for me. We got in his car and drove home in silence as we listened to DC Talk’s greatest hits. I looked outside as Jesus Freak played and saw that the doves were easily keeping pace with Tim’s Prius.

[timtebowerotica]

Vow renewal part 2

We sat quietly for a long time alone and shivering in the dark forest before Tim finally broke the silence. “We should pray,” he said. I agreed. We had just closed our eyes when an angry, shrill voice stopped us. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” she said, full of a primal and ancient female anger. “I’m Tebowing,” was all Tim could think to say. Illuminated by the torches behind her, all we could see was her long flowing white dress and beautiful hair blowing in the wind. Our prayers had summoned an angel, and I was filled with terror as I instinctively bowed down before her. “Oh. I’m sorry. I thought you were proposing to Mary Grace.” When I heard my name, I knew it was something far worse than an angelic visitation; it was Gisele. I suddenly remembered every calorie I’d consumed in the last 30 days and had an overwhelming desire to smoke a cigarette and maybe try a little cocaine. I shook my head to rid myself of these carnal thoughts. I felt her anger towards us be replaced by her normal indifference as she realized we weren’t upstaging her big renewal ceremony by getting engaged. “There you two are! We’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Tom said with joy and relief. I felt my body respond to his pleasure, but stifled it. What was I becoming? “Come on, let’s head back to the tree circle and finish what we started.” He extended his hand to help me off the forest floor, but I couldn’t let him touch me again. Instead, Tim came around, took my arm, and we followed Tom and Gisele back into the tree circle. The ceremony was what you would expect. Oprah stood behind Rob Bell the whole time, massaging his back and telling him how proud she was that he was being true to his inner voice. Everybody agreed that Bell had been powerful and moving, although none of us could quite remember what he said. Everyone cried as U2 performed “One,” including Bill Belichick, whose single tear fell on a dead butterfly and brought it back to life. Tim and I sat together after the ceremony. “Thanks for being here tonight bro,” he said as he handed Tim a Shasta grape soda. “I made sure we had plenty of Shasta on hand for you tonight bro.” They called each other “bro” so much I was starting to wonder if they were actually related. “It couldn’t have gone better tonight,” Tim said. “Everything was perfect.” As if on cue, hundreds of shrieking crows descending on the trees, driving all the doves away. Unsettled by the sudden turn of events, many of the guests began to head to their cars. The presence of a sinister evil was so strong that even the torches seemed to burn less bright. Terrified, I clung to Tim’s arm. “What is happening,” I yelled above the crows’ cawing. Tim and Tom looked at each other, both pale with fear. “Peyton Manning is here,” they said in unison.

[timtebowerotica]

Tom and Gisele’s vow renewal ceremony part 1.

We stayed parked outside the woods somewhere in southern New Hampshire where Tom and Gisele’s vow renewal ceremony was to be held. We could see the lights illuminating the trees and hear U2 playing, but I wasn’t quite ready to go in. It was bad enough that Rob Bell was somewhere inside. Bell and Bono were the only two ahead of Obama on my list of potential antichrists.

The doves waited patiently for us, softly cooing. They didn’t even move when an owl fell out of the night sky and killed one of the smaller ones, even as Tim shouted a warning. Timmy was silent, but I saw a single tear roll down his cheek. “It wasn’t your fault,” I said as I softly patted his arm.

We watched as Kanye and Kim came in, took a selfie with Tom, and left. Lady Gaga came in soon after, pale and shivering in her dress made out of fresh-fallen snow. She too left early, naked and unconscious with hypothermia. A half dozen of Gisele’s supermodel friends came, all bones in skimpy dresses. A sudden gust of wind blew them all deep into the forest. Nobody seemed bothered by it, as if this sort of thing happened all the time. “You ready?” Tim asked. He was so patient and kind. “I promise, I’ll be with you the whole time.” I nodded and took a deep breath as he came around to open my door. Tom and Gisele had cleared a circle in the forest for the ceremony. The forest was illuminated by torches. U2 was performing on the far side of the circle while Tom and Gisele were mingling among the guests. When Tom saw us, he all but sprinted towards us. Watching him move with such ease and grace, it was easy to see why the Greeks believed that the gods walked among us. In his tailored tux, perfect hair, and just the right amount of stubble on his face, he was a walking myth; a poem in flesh; a person who you knew could exist in theory, but you’d never expect could be real. “Mary Grace, so good to see you,” he said as he took me in his arms in a hug that compressed all of time into a solitary moment, like the instant before the big bang. Emptied of their bounty from our last encounter, I felt my ovaries dry-heave into my uterus. I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of all these pagan thoughts. I knew time was passing, but it seemed bent and warped. When I was finally able to clear my head, Rob Bell stood before me. He had both hands around Timmy’s hand and was shaking it vigorously. “Tim so good to meet you,” he said with an energy I’d never seen in another person. “You know, some days you wake up into a world energized by grace. You pull the covers over your eyes afraid that you will be completely overwhelmed by joy. You feel comfortable in your own skin, step out of bed, and savor the feeling of the soft carpet squeezing between your toes as you stretch towards the ceiling to awaken your muscles. “Some days you know are special. “And this. “Is one. “Of those. “Days.” For the first time since I’d known him, Tim was speechless. He seemed caught under a spell. I grabbed his arm to break the spell and we ran together into the forest together. As we ran, we saw one of the supermodels walking towards the light in a dazed stupor, her arms and legs covered in scratches from her unexpected trip into the forest. “What is happening?” I asked, terrified. “I don’t know he said.” We sat there a long time in the moonlit forest as the countless doves held a vigil in the trees above.

[timtebowerotica]

Doves

I looked at myself in the mirror and frowned. What would my mother say if she saw me in a floral dress that not only exposed my whole ankle, but also my lower calf? And that I had shaved my leg hair off? My mom always told me that there is a God and I am not Him. God decides where hair grows, not me. I heard Tim’s familiar knock on the door and went to open it. He was dressed in a tux, which was so tight around his biceps that it looked like a seam was going to pop. Tim could never find shirts that were lose around his biceps and often reinforced the seams with fishing line to keep them from breaking. When he saw me, he gasped. “Mary Grace, you are beautiful! I mean, it’s your heart for the Lord that I most love, but wow. You look like you stepped right off the pages of one of you Puritan Romance Novels!” I blushed and folded my arms across my chest. It was my duty as a Christian woman to fight for Tim’s purity. Purity is never an accident. I looked past him at the elm tree in my front yard. I lifted my hand to shield my eyes from the sun because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. The tree looked like it was covered in snow, even though it was an unseasonably warm November day. The whiteness seemed to move and sway, even though there was no wind. “Doves,” Tim said. “They’re doves. They’ve been following me around all day.” He looked over his shoulder at them and shrugged. “This happens to me sometimes. Let’s get going. We don’t want to be late.” We were headed to Tom and Gisele’s ultra-secret vow-renewal ceremony. They’d carefully hid their brief separation from the paparazzi and were renewing their vows during the Patriot’s bye week. Tom wanted Tim by his side, and Tim will do anything for a friend. “So is Kirk leading the ceremony like you’d hoped?” If anybody had the respect of A-list celebrities, it was Kirk Cameron. While he was reluctant to accept the role, all of Hollywood had anointed him to be their chaplain. Tim shook his head. “No, I brought Curly up to him, but Tom had already asked Rob Bell.” We rode in silence for a few miles as it settled in. With my shaved legs and now Rob Bell, things were moving much too fast for me. Tim finally broke the silence. “Remember when we first started dating, and we almost ended it because I read the NIV? Or when you caught me humming a U2 song? Or the time I ‘liked’ that article on Facebook about the new Pope?” His voice softened. “We’ve already been through so much. We can get through this.” I had been staring at my hairless ankles when I looked outside. “The doves are following us.” I said, and I knew everything was going to be ok.

[timtebowerotica]

The professor prays the sinner's prayer at the end

Tim and I were sitting five feet apart on his couch watching God’s Not Dead when a sudden overwhelming sense of fear and arousal swept over me. I imagined it was what a gazelle felt when he made eye contact with a cheetah from across that savannah. Tim sensed something was wrong. “You ok Mary Grace?” he asked. “You don’t need to worry. The professor prays the sinner’s prayer at the end of the movie.” Before I could answer, there was a sudden and urgent knock on the door. “Who could that be at this hour?” Tim asked. It was 7:45. As Tim got up to open the door, I knew exactly who was behind it. When the door swung wide, Tom Brady stood there, barely maintaining his composure. Mascara had streaked down and pooled on top of his massive cheekbones before making their way down towards his chiseled chin. He was in a striped button-up shirt that looked painted on his body and a pair of jeans. His Ugg boots had been hastily put on as one pant leg was tucked into his boot. I’d never seen him this disheveled before. “Hey buddy,” he said to Tim before his eyes fell on me. “Oh, hi Mary Grace. I hope I’m not interrupting.” The sound of my name on his lips awoke something deep inside me. A warmth radiated from my pelvis as my ovaries released eggs they had been saving for years. It’s as if my ovaries knew a god stood before me and offered all their treasures as a glad sacrifice. “It’s Gisele. She says she wants out. She says she’s tired of sharing me with football.” With that he put his massive hands over his face and fell to his knees. “It’s a mess,” he said between sobs. “Gronk keeps saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that I’m stupid to commit to just one supermodel. My publicist says that we need to work it out or I’ll lose my Maybelline endorsement. And Bill doesn’t want to talk about anything unless it’s football or Arby’s. I just need a friend right now.” Tim knelt down on the floor next to him and put his arm around his heaving shoulders. “You can stay here as long as you want Tommy Gun. You know that. But you also know that after God it’s the people in our lives that are more important than that silly game we play.” “Played. Game you played,” Tom corrected, but I could see that his words had broken through. The both stood up and hugged each other. As their massive arms wrapped around each other a terrible and beautiful energy was released which knocked me unconscious. When I awoke, they were sitting side-by-side on the couch sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream and drinking peach tea Snapples. I was still on the floor, but one of them had put a blanket over me and placed a pillow under my head. I rubbed my eyes but couldn’t get them to focus. It was as if my brain couldn’t process all the wonderful masculinity a few feet from me. “Sorry Mary Grace, we restarted God’s Not Dead. You’re just in time to see the professor pray the sinner’s prayer.” I tried to smile. “See? I told you it would all work out,” he said, but I didn’t know if he was talking to Tom or me.

[timtebowerotica]

Like A Thomas Kincaid Painting

Tim and I were coming out of Starbucks with our Venti Pumpkin Spice Lattes when his phone rang. He looked at the screen of his flip phone & smiled. "T-Rex!" he said with enthusiasm. "What's up my brutha!" I was surprised that Rex Ryan was calling Timmy, but not surprised by Timmy's enthusiasm. He often said that the three snaps he played for the Jets were some of his favorite, coming just behind every snap he played for the Broncos and the Patriots. He felt bad for that little zinger, but consoled himself with the knowledge that it was actually true. "First of all T-Rex, there's just one savior, and it ain't me. He lived 2,000 years ago and put together the biggest come-from-behind victory the world has ever seen. And secondly, God has something for me outside of football. But I love you and appreciate the call." I could hear shouted obscenities on the other line as Tim flipped his phone closed and turned to me with a grin. "Old T-Rex sure was hot when I turned him down. But I just know God has something for me." We rounded the corner, arm-in-arm and with our drinks keeping our hands warm during a crisp fall New York afternoon when a group of young men in NYU sweatshirts started shouting, "Tebow! Tebow! Tebow!" "Hi guys," he said with a smile and a wave. We were turning to leave when one of them yelled, "Hey Tebow, is it true that you used to call 3rd & 15 'Jews'?" Tim cocked his head to the side, a confused look on his face. "You know, because they are so hard to convert?" With that, a bolt of lightening crashed out of the sky, knocking the student down and igniting his sweatshirt. Before I knew what was happening, he snatched the Pumpkin Spice Latte out of my hands and was streaking towards the young man with the same speed that he once used to elude linebackers. The NYU student was screaming and flailing around in pain and terror. Tim dumped both lattes on him, but the fire burned on. Without even thinking, he fell on top of him and rolled around until the flames were out. He fell off the boy, the tears in his Land's End sweater revealing 2nd and 3rd degree burns. Something in the event had set off his peter meter, but I didn't have time to wonder what it could have been. "Now I know why God pulled me out of football," he said with a smile. "But Tim," I said, still in shock by all the events that had unfolded. "If you'd been playing football, none of this would have happened." But Tim was already unconscious as a ray of light broke through the clouds to illuminate his perfectly still body. "He looks like a Thomas Kincaid painting" I said out loud, but nobody could hear me above the sirens.

[timtebowerotica]

Left behind with Kirk Cameron.

Tim and I stood in a line for the new Left Behind movie with Kirk Cameron and his wife Chelsea on a rainy October afternoon. I had never met Kirk before, but Tim's phone was always buzzing with a Bible verse or encouraging text from Kirk. After he was cut by the Patriots, Kirk texted him that Jesus still wanted him on his team, and that now his touchdowns would be for souls. Curly always knew how to cheer Tim up. It had been a severe blow to Tim, who had found Bill Belichick's warmth & kindness filled a hole his earthly father had left inside him. "I don't know Curly," Tim said. "I can't see Chad Michael Murray in this role. You'll always be Buck Williams to me." Kirk had always been a master-class actor, but his role in Fireproof finally showcased his great range and emotional depth. But Kirk shook his head. I’d never thought I'd see an A-list Hollywood celebrity so nervous. “I just feel like God’s tool is in the hands of the devil, like when Amy Grant went secular.” "You know I'm always here for you no matter what bro," Tim said and went in for a hug. Chelsea and I looked awkwardly at each other as the hug lingered longer than either of us expected. When they finally parted, I noticed Tim's peter-meter had gone off. Blushing, I buttoned the top button of my blouse. Purity is never an accident. After the film, I'd never seen Tim so agitated. "That language! I haven't heard language like that since somebody hid Tom Brady's Uggs! And they totally downplayed the rapture! One girl disappeared, and then suddenly she’s back in the middle of the movie! It was barely recognizable!" Kirk was speechless, a single tear rolling town his perfect cheekbone. All he could do was shake his head, his curls moving together in perfect unison. "Come on, let's go to my place and watch the definitive, Kurt and Jerry approved version," I suggested, trying to lighten the mood. I didn't have the heart to tell them we'd just watched Gone Girl.

[timtebowerotica]

Purity is never an accident

I had just finished a piece of unbuttered toast while going through the book of Ruth in my Women of Valor Study Bible when I heard a tentative knock on my door. I was surprised to see Tim there unannounced so early in the morning holding a Venti Tazio tea for me. "Road trip!" he announced. I looked down at my frumpy salmon-colored Kirkland sweatpants and hesitated, but he laughed it off. "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised," he said, quoting Psalm 31. I felt my body go flush and a tingling in my loins, but I pushed the thoughts away. Purity is never an accident. We climbed into his Prius and headed to the mountains. He shook his head as cars passed us. "It's a speed limit, not a speed suggestion," he said, but then his face went dark. "I apologize for that outburst. Will you forgive me? I just don't understand why everyone is in such a gosh darn hurry!" How can you not forgive a heart so pure? Our windows were down when Tim suddenly pulled the car over. "What is it," I asked. "I sense an animal is in distress. Do you hear that?" Before I could answer Tim burst out of the car with his trademark speed and sprinted into the forest. By the time I found him minutes later, he had was barely conscious from the loss of blood. "That silly mountain lion wouldn't stop scratching and biting me when I was trying to free him from that trap!" His eyes started to droop shut before opening with a sudden clarity. "I wonder if that's how God feels about us. You know, trying to set us free and then..." With that, Tim lost consciousness. With a burst of adrenaline I dragged him back to the Prius to take him to a hospital. Half-way down the pass home, I looked over at him to see him smiling at me. Blood had pooled around his seat, and he could only open one eye. "Thank God I drive a Prius," he said. "Otherwise I would never have heard his cries for help."

[timtebowerotica]

My cold cut combo

Tim and I walked into Subway for lunch. "Tim you're sure hungry today!' I teased when he ordered 10 sandwiches. He laughed. 'I always get 10 and give 9 away to the homeless' he said with a smile. I smiled back. I knew why he bought 10 sandwiches. As we walked along, we briefly held hands. But Tim pulled back. I asked him what was wrong and he said his peter meter had gone off. I understood. Purity is never an accident. I gave his hair a playful tussle as we walked to the park to continue our study on Romans. Tim had given all but 2 sandwiches out when we stumbled upon a homeless couple taking shelter in an alley behind a green dumpster. 'Take them both' he said with a smile. They said their thanks with a grateful smile. I know this meant more to him than when he had won the Heisman trophy. His heart was full, now that his hands were empty of all but his well-worn study Bible. 'Tim you must be so hungry' I said, but we waived me off. The sudden motion made him dizzy, and I helped him find a bench. 'I haven't eaten for days' he confessed with a sly grin. I hugged him and gave him half of my cold cut combo.