A Little Bit Subby

40s, female, mom of 3, lives 24/7 D/s with fabulous husband in the Midwest. Monogamous, progressive, reader, science nerd, dog lover, pretty darn good cook. I’d love to chat with like minded people. 18+only. https://tinybitsubby.tumblr.com/ask

[tinybitsubby]

Sometimes tricky conversations are easier if you feel like you’re explaining yourself to a third party instead of each other. This is why new things often surface at couple’s therapy.

So here’s a fun assignment if you’d like one:

Pretend you have a podcast and are taking questions from callers. Answer these questions together as if answering the callers’ requests. Listen to each other with great curiosity.

1. How would you define your role in the dynamic to someone who is new to the lifestyle?

2. How would you define your partner’s role in the dynamic?

3. What would you change about the way you entered into D/s or BDSM?

4. What the very best thing about your dynamic?

5. What’s the number one thing you would change about your dynamic if you could be totally selfish and snap your fingers to make it so?

6. How important is the D/s or BDSM to your overall relationship?

7. Most people in the lifestyle have dreams at night that maybe push the envelope a bit. If you get these dreams, share a few.

8. How important is discipline/punishment within your dynamic? Do you wish it was more/less important to your partner?

9. Are rules a necessity to keeping your dynamic at the forefront?

10. How often do you need to feel your partner’s dominance/submission?

11. If your partner HAD to either dial their dominance/submission waaay up or waaay down (no middle ground) which would you choose?

12. What is one thing you’ve never tried that you’d like to try this month?

13. Does degradation have a place in your dynamic? Discuss.

14. If spanking is part of your dynamic, and just for this question you didn’t have to take your partner’s desires into consideration at all, would YOU like the spankings to be more/less painful? More/less frequent?

15. What’s your favorite D/s activity? What is your least favorite D/s activity out of the activities you actually partake in?

16. What do you wish your partner had a better understanding of as far as what goes on inside your head regarding D/s? Here’s your chance to really expound. Help them understand you, even if it’s uncomfortable. Take all the time you need.

17. Tell in detail about one of your times together that you really like to replay in your mind.

18. Tell your partner what would make your dynamic even more meaningful to you.

19. Are you holding back because you fear judgement?

20. Why is your partner a great fit for you? What are they great at?

What questions would you like to add?

[tinybitsubby]

I can’t believe it’s been more than two years since we did this. We’ve grown so much and I really want to find the time to do it again. I feel like our answers could really change from year to year.

[tinybitsubby]

I think its important for you to know that you have every right to set boundaries with your partner in a D/s relationship, even if its domestic discipline.

You've expressed a boundary that hygiene and proper time to prepare is important to you.

Punishing you for a boundary is not okay. In fact, it could be seen as abusive, or nearing it.

Furthermore, disregarding a boundary, punishing you for having a boundary, and then neglecting aftercare by diverting to being hungry, also very alarming.

Please, be careful.

I come back after a break to yet another aggravating warning of abuse.

Part of me wants to leave it at that and not explain again about the much communicated understanding we have about our roles in this D/s relationship: This fun and loving D/s relationship.

But here I go. (My knee jerk reaction was that you consider yourself an expert at how everyone else should do D/s and love correcting people, but I’ll consider the idea that you believe you’re acting with real concern.) He honors my boundary around cleanliness and sex, and in this instance only wished to see my naked body. This is as a request I’m open to anytime we have privacy.

The friction arose with my assumption that he wanted to play and not simply look at me. I was mistaken and had an ugly attitude about it to boot.

Every part of that incident falls completely under agreed upon parameters. Instantly addressing my attitude, lecture, spanking, after care, etc were all in keeping with our standards. I would categorize the whole as a net positive for our relationship.

We’ve been at this awhile with decades of trust and communication under our belts.

[tinybitsubby]

What’s with the sweating?

He was coming home from a quick work trip earlier than expected the other day. He checked the location of the kids and saw we had the house to ourselves. He texted,” I’ll be home in a few minutes, greet me at the door naked.”

With enough notice, I love this, but I have a thing with cleanliness/hygiene and he knows it. I’d really prefer to have time to run and clean up before a situation like this where I don’t know where it will lead. There was no time and so I called him. I’m sure I sounded annoyed. I asked for more time and he said no. I asked if we could just do it later and he said no. I sighed, probably a much too telling sigh, and said ok.

He walked in and I was naked at the door but also shivering because the AC was cranked up. He walked over to the couch, sat and patted his knee. I expressed that I had no idea I was to expect a spanking.

He said that he had no intention to spank me until the phone call. He said he only wanted a naked greeting to show submission and I would have been allowed to throw my clothes right back on. But here we are…

I tried to explain why I called and he said he understood but my submission was severely lacking and my attitude was well outside what we’ve agreed is acceptable.

I knew he was right and flopped over his knee. I was spanked close to tears but was holding still very well and so he might not have realized my level of discomfort. Then I hear “what’s with the sweating? This must be painful.” My back and legs were getting slippery.

I squeaked out that it stung really badly. He kept at it for another minute then hugged me and said he was hungry.

This happens to you too, right? Please tell me that spankings have you sweating like you’re out running in the heat.

[tinybitsubby]

Hello friends, I’m here. We had two excruciatingly sad family events in the fall (we’re ok) and I took a break. Then at the beginning the year, I wanted to post about something and when I opened tumblr, there were so many messages and notifications that it felt overwhelming and I closed it again.

You’ve probably been there. Every now and then I would feel like posting and the same thing would happen. The longer I waited the more overwhelming it felt.

We’re ok. We’re still doing our thing. In fact, the steadiness of our dynamic makes the hard times easier for me.

We’ve had some good times during my absence as well. I even turned 50, which I highly recommend.

I’ll be working to catch up and see what you’ve all been up to. I missed you.

[tinybitsubby]

Conflict is difficult in any relationship. If you practice D/s, it can make conflict easier to work through, but it’s also possible that it makes even harder. Power dynamics will always come into play when someone is hurt or feeling overlooked.

We had some conflict over the weekend. He hurt my feelings and it felt like he stole the joy out of a situation that usually makes me happy. I waited a bit and then told him he really hurt my feelings and it’s hard not to resent times he puts a dark cloud over things I love to do. He said he needed time to process the information.

It frustrates me when he wants time to process. Although it can be a healthy strategy for getting things right, and not just running with your first reaction, in that moment of letting him know I’m hurt, I’d really like some reassurance right then. I don’t think there’s any wisdom in trying to force the conversation if one party isn’t ready. So asked him to please let me know right away when he could talk about it.

Without D/s, I’m sure I wouldn’t respect the space he needed and would have instead pushed him to keep the conversation going. But he told me to give him space and I did. Understand that I can only do that because I know he loves me and I trust that we will be revisiting my hurt. This would not work with someone I cannot trust or that would just brush it off and never let it be brought back up.

He came to me after an hour or so (THAT FELT LIKE ETERNITY) and listened, apologized and we discussed how it might have been handled better. Before D/s it definitely would have blown up OR I might have just kept my feelings to myself. Just another way D/s is the right choice for us.

[tinybitsubby]

BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award you're supposed to paste it in the asks of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing happens, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out <33

You’re just so sweet.

[tinybitsubby]

What’s his thoughts on you not liking doing anal?

It’s not a super important act to him. He knows it’s physically uncomfortable for me. (So is spanking, extreme face fucking, etc.). If he really wants it, he takes it. I get praised for making myself uncomfortable to make him happy.

I feel very submissive from the act itself, from him doing it even though I don’t prefer it, and from how dommed I feel. I like feeling submissive and he’s very aware of that.

[tinybitsubby]

Has he taken into consideration of what you said and tried warming up when doing punishments? What happened in moments when it has been really too much do you guys revisit the punishment or just out right stop?

He listened. I have not earned a correction lately, so I don’t know if anything has changed. GoodGirlSummer

[tinybitsubby]

In a few of your posts you allude to anal but with no specificity as to what type of anal activity.

You mention it in seemingly two divisions: anal, which you don’t expand upon and anal that you don’t like, which you also don’t expand upon.

Anal activity is a tricky (for now) issue in the “unique relationship” (that’s the euphemisms we use for it) my spouse and I have.

I was wondering if you could clarify your experiences and feelings about it, how it makes you feel mentally and physically and what role you think it has in the type of relationship that you have.

Hi there. As far as anal sex goes, I’m physically capable, but it’s quite uncomfortable for me. I’ve done all the things one can do to make the absolute best of it and it’s just not for some people and their specific anatomy.

Being a sub, I have a very nuanced relationship with sensations I do not prefer. He finds anal okay, but doesn’t crave it or see it as the end all be all of a D/s relationship as some Doms do.

Every few weeks to months, he wants it and I submit to it. He uses lube and doesn’t surprise me out of nowhere, but it’s still almost overwhelming for me. Sometimes I’m really white knuckling it, but I have the freedom to express my discomfort and he acknowledges my submission around it, just like a spanking. I do feel very submissive accepting anal and so that is an overall positive (mostly).

He has said in the past he reserves the right to “punish my bottom” in this way if a spanking was due and we had houseguests or are traveling and can’t make noise. A lecture with a dick in your ass is quite corrective if anal is not your thing.

He enjoys giving me overwhelming sensations and this sometimes manifests itself by him using a dildo in my ass for DP during sex. I’m super petite, he’s not. It’s really truly overwhelming for me and there’s also a borderline humiliation around it. I do feel insanely dommed from those times, so the mental part is good for me.

I have a lot of D/s dreams about him and once in a dream, he told me that if he ever had to make a new rule out of frustration with my behavior, I’d learn about the new rule with a dick in my ass. I was not happy about this in the dream, but my submissive brain revisits this often. You understand…

Anyway, anal is not a great sensation for me, but it’s effective as a way to dom me for sure.

I may not have answered exactly what you wanted, let me know if you need more info.

[tinybitsubby]

Hi I just found your tumblr because of your "we're almost done" post, it resonated with me so hard 😅

Wondering if you wound up talking to him about your problems with the bedroom closet? I've a rule that I have to share what I'm thinking. There's some leeway, obviously not every random thought that passes through my head, but the stuff that I find I keep coming back to, over and over. It won't necessarily lead to him getting involved - I can definitely and clearly state whether I want him to or not, and he pretty much always respects that. But knowing that at some point I have to talk to him about it, by itself usually clarifies my thinking 😆

Hi there!

No, I haven’t discussed it with him. I’ve held myself to a better standard lately and even put reminders on my phone (Honestly, it’s not bad at all, I promise, it’s simply not pristine at all times) and I’m mostly happy with it. I do feel I would benefit from rules around stuff like this, but he has no desire to micromanage and I completely respect that.

Thanks for the interaction, I enjoy it.

[tinybitsubby]

Hello!

I really enjoy your blog and reading about your lifestyle.

That being said, I hope this doesn't come off as rude. But, as for your recent post, it's just as important for him to express his expectations as it is for you.

It can be dangerous to get into habit of him having unspoken expectations that lead to you being punished. (Unless this is something you've discussed in your relationship).

So, although it's said and done with, it could be a good idea to mention that when he has a timeline in mind of when something needs to be completed, that he should vocalize that. You are not a mind reader. Neither is he. His unspoken expectations shouldn't = you failing to meet his expectations = punishment.

This is all being said with concern and kindness. No judgment. Thanks for sharing your lifestyle. ❤️

Disrespect is a blanket rule here. We’ve discussed at length how it applies to us. I’m fine with this aspect of our dynamic. 😀

[tinybitsubby]

You decide

I let him down. He had asked me to run an errand for him and I said I would. I didn’t prioritize it as I didn’t think it was pressing and knew I would get it done this week. He, as I only learned later, wanted it done quickly.

He asked about it once or twice, but in a nonchalant way and I said I’d get to it when I was over that way. The weekend hit and he asked if I had accomplished what he asked. I smiled and let him know I did it Friday morning. He said, ”uh huh” kind of thoughtfully and that was that.

Later on the couch, he paused a movie and let me know he didn’t appreciate that I took so long with the errand even after he had asked about it a few times. I had that sinking feeling. He said that although there wasn’t specific rules about errands, he felt this fell under the disrespect rule.

He says I needed to feel his disappointment. The sinking feeling doubled. He said , “Look, you let me down and I feel there’s a lesson here. You decide, discomfort or humility as your lesson.”

I sat there with my mind racing for a minute. I asked if was upset with me and he said he wasn’t. I asked him if I was choosing between pain and embarrassment. He said that is essentially the case.

I suddenly felt so shy. I was sitting there in my big robe and pulled the edge of the hood over my face and peeked out with one eye. I tried to get more info, but he said I needed to pick now and the consequences would be doled out the next morning.

I told him that I guessed the pain option meant spanking and my thighs were really sore from some other activities. Sometimes during a punishment he really gets my legs and I couldn’t take that right now, so I picked the second choice. He said, “ok” and we went on with our evening.

I couldn’t think of anything else. I had trouble sleeping. I kept second guessing my choice.

In the morning, I asked if I could change my mind. Neither answer sounded great and so I asked if I could just flip a coin so the weight was off of me. He said that was fine. I flipped. Heads: discomfort, tails: humility. It was heads.

I was put on my knees and face fucked pretty hard for a while. Then I was picked up, bottom bared, and bent over the bed. He told me I was getting a hard spanking for 4 minutes, one for each day I put off the errand. He set a timer.

I thought he was taking it easy on me but each minute got harder until the last minute had me yelping. Then he hugged me, professed his limitless love for me and our day continued.

Later I told him that I’m glad he can express himself so calmly. I also let him know that choices around punishment are agonizing. AGONIZING! Unfortunately, I feel that just made the wheels turn as he filed that tidbit away.

Never dull here friends, never dull.

[tinybitsubby]

We’re almost done.

There’s something about those words. If you’ve spent time over someone’s knee for discipline, you probably have an instant reaction to these words too.

I was disciplined last week for a situation that falls under one of our “will result in a spanking” rules. I hadn’t realized my mistake at all and was caught off guard when called over to him and instantly laid over his knee. It was only his hand, but this man can tear it up with those huge hands.

A few minutes in my dress was pulled up and I’m sure my bottom was already quite pink. I was trying to remind myself not to hold my breath so much when he rubbed my back and said,”okay, we’re almost done”. There’s something so sweet about it, it seriously warms my heart.

Those few words, in that understanding tone, acknowledge that he grasps how uncomfortable I am. Sharing that it’s almost over gives me renewed hope that I can make it through to the end. But, at the same time, he establishes that he’s in charge and it’s going to continue because he feels it needs to continue.

Discipline through spanking is a tricky balance. Somehow he finds it. I feel loved and cared for, even while he can tell I REALLY want this spanking to be over. He acknowledges my pain, while remaining the strong leader our dynamic requires. Three little words let me know he’s right there with me.

[tinybitsubby]

Do others in your life know about your lifestyle or is it kept private?? My husband and I don’t like to tell people about our D/s relationship. Mostly because I’m afraid of people in my life judging us.

No, We don’t discuss it with people.

[tinybitsubby]

Hi all,

I have a few questions for you…

I haven’t written lately because, after introductions/how we started/how we live/descriptions of interactions around rules and punishments, I don’t feel like I have much to add.

We’re still living out our dynamic. It still feeds who I am. I still mess up and consequences are doled out. But posting over and over about it feels redundant and sometimes gratuitous.

So, is there something you’d like to hear about? Have I shared enough and leaving it up for people to reference is plenty? Let me know either here or privately what you think. Thanks, friend.

[tinybitsubby]

[tinybitsubby]