kawaii crab

disaster waiting to happen

[titaniahime]

may 24th, 12:49am

well, well, well!!!! if it isn't the devil who has risen from her grave!!! what a quick quarter!! my last entry was 4 months ago and BOYYY has time passed!!! if you're wondering if i'm at a much better predicament right now compared to where i was at that point, i can confidently say that.... IT DEPENDS!!!! LOL but let's talk about the pros first!!!

PROS:

more mentally relaxed

anxious attachment style? we don't know her!!

CRAZY? a little bit!!

CONS:

hoe phase #2

that's it. i don't have to put any more bullets on the cons cos you already know what's going on. am i using my body to fill a void in my heart? WE DON'T KNOW!!! but things escalated pretty fast and well, i'm here right now. to be clear, he is a friend (whom i met through my bestfriend, which was also her ex fling (nothing happened between them dw but he used her to emotionally cheat with his then girlfriend)) NORMAL RIGHT?! to some it might sound pretty fucked up but, hey, this is our life to live!! LOL

so yeah, things got pretty spicy this summer. we were both single. him fresh out of a long term, long distance relationship... a man.. LOL me, single and on the bench for a year, a woman... we were on vacation... both drunk as hell... he started making a move on me and... voila! a newborn friends with benefits relationship!

to be fair, i would NEVERRR go that far with a guy my friend has been romantically involved with, but we speculated and gaslit ourselves that he was freaking GAY T_T so i confronted him that same night and he said he doesn't bend. he's STRAIGHT as a stick. also this is the first time j introduced me to someone that's physically my type. guy was 5'10", MORENO, and HE LIKES CATS. also, his physique, i am flabbergasted. i didn't see him that way at first.. like being physically intimate because I HAVE INGRAINED IN MY FICKLE MIND THAT HE IS QUOTE UNQUOTE GAY or BI at that. and mama don't want no papwet or pumepwet diih. HAHAHAHAH oh my god.

so yeah!!! he's still here, so i guess this is still going on. idk when he's leaving for madrid, and i'm honestly so proud of myself! HAHAHHAHA this won't make sense to anyone else but i don't feel sick to my stomach at all. he could be talking to multiple women and i would not bat an eye. i'll even voluntarily help him weed the bad ones out LOL this is how it feels to just be physical with someone.. huh... fun... exciting!! the thrill?? exhilarating as hell. how we can't post stories that we're together... how he's turning his location off... the hiding LOL i know it might sound bad like, are you for real? you're settling with someone who's treating you that way? BABY I'M DOING THE SAME. BABY I'M NOT YEARNING FOR MORE. I AM WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE.

i guess this setup is a gray area for some people, and i kind of told myself i wouldn't engage in casual, but here we are! i honestly feel like this experience is sort of a tool to heal my anxiety and relationship with people, especially in this sense... HAHAHAHHA i'm just doing this for the plot to be honest. and idk we'll see how this goes!

i'm enjoying the sex btw. xx

[titaniahime]

january 13th, 2:08am

hi. it's been nearly a month of you guys (which is most probably just different versions of me reading all this over and over again) bearing with me and i'm here to be the bearer of good and bad news.

bad news first- k and i are no longer talking. good news is we're still friends. or so i think? i distanced myself from him before the year ended. it was around november i felt us colliding too close. too close that a single spark could drift us miles apart. it had to stop. ultimately. i kept thinking of myself as an after thought for him. how i would always be there in case any of his situationships fail. how i would wag my tail the minute he calls up my name. and i started feeling funny in my stomach. the funny feeling where you cannot eat and you distract yourself with every single thing avoiding and pushing down thoughts of him to no avail.

i realized how he would never choose me. that my lane is, and will always stay in bestfriend. that staying and putting up with it even though i know what i want is a sure way of agonizing death.

it wasn't an easy decision, i was never a leaver or a finisher, i would always hang on to people until they tell me they don't want me anymore and that's where i decide to walk away. this time, i didn't even wait for him to tell me to go. i just can't let myself be treated like this. i like him, he doesn't like me back. it's that simple.

i told him we can stay friends in a letter i entrusted him to keep for himself only. i can't pretend to be casual and bestfriends when my chest has been feeling pangs of ache since september, since he has walked back into my life.

i wished him the best of course. of happiness he always sought. of peace his nervous system was always a stranger to. because he deserves it, after living life in the dark, it's time he starts to see the light.

to be fair and not be the goody two shoes protagonist who always chooses others' happiness instead of hers, i am sometimes a bit angry. not at him, but at the universe. at how i was left alone. how i was ready to love and there's no one to. how i feel like he left me too. how i shouldn't bring it upon him to be responsible of me just because we helped each other get through our breakups. how others could find love easily. how i'm still longing for something that might never come. how come i'm alone? how. come. i. am. alone.

[titaniahime]

december 19th, 10:23pm

oh God where do i begin? let's see, it's been four months since my last entry, which contained information about how i wanted to keep k & i's friendship, news flash, we still are! and we've coined each other as bestfriends :-) what a joke, right? LOL

from that point, i've learned that he has been on a situationship with a girl, and is currently in a new one as of speaking, whilst keeping me at bay because he fucking knows i still have feelings for him.

HONESTY HOUR!!!! i do fucking like the guy. it wasn't limerence, it wasn't a cute crush, i actually am deeply attracted to all that he is and the reason why is still unclear to me. i just do.

for the record, i have told him i had feelings for him thrice already, the last moment was just a few weeks ago, i told him how if there was a universe where he likes me too, i'd probably love him so much and that i'm not denying that i don't like him anymore, i'm just eliminating the possibility of him giving us a chance because i'm afraid of him.

so he knows that, and we're still friends. HAHAHAHAHA i'm appalled by my capacity to hold on, to be honest. what a fucking psychopath. so we usually talk everyday, but once in a while his insanity sets off, and he will ignore me for days on and then, inevitably, spams me with messages i can't help but reply to.

i hate this cycle. i feel like i'm in a limbo. i'm in an inferno. the cycle repeats again and again and i'm not doing anything to break it. whenever we aren't talking i feel some sense of relief; of hoping that he'll leave this at that. but knowing his character, he would never just let things be. i know him. he will always reach out again. he always had. and i hate that i can't stand him. i can't bring myself to stop. when it comes to him, i get too weak.

i guess we'll see how this year will end. will this really be over between us? idek myself. i just want to be grounded and stay grateful of what i have in my life right now. idk we'll see in a few months. until then, please bear with me.

[titaniahime]

august 3rd, 2:30am

i decided to distance myself from the world two weeks ago. i was losing my mind over the friendship fall out with k, and it hurt a lot i had to isolate myself.

during the isolation, i watched a lot of greta gerwig, i now love timothee chalamet and saoirse ronan. I FREAKING LOVE THE BEAR. i have missed out a lot on it. what world was i living in before the bear?!?!? i've been listening a lot to lonny breaux! my favorite tracks are kamikaze, can't be the last time, and j.o.b. i'm incredibly tied to my journal, and i've been reading a lot of substack.

i came to a realization that i don't want to end the friendship. i keep thinking about how there's never gonna be the same connection twice, that there may be newer, deeper, or better, at most, but never the same. each individual is unique, there might be some intersections, but it's just NEVER THE EXACT THING. and i know we're young, generally speaking, the world is so open for us, we'll meet new people, we'll have new friends, but what this is, with him, i know i will never find it again.

i kinda felt like it was a little stupid to end it all just because of me liking him? life's too short to dwell on considering if this is worth saving because for me it is. we were 17, and now we're fucking pushing 30's. every single person i value, every friendship i have, every relationship i've ever had, i ALWAYS ALWAYS take care of. i have a small, close circle i've been nurturing and caring for since i was 12, i have colleagues from my first job that turned into lifelong friends, i have d & k, who i both hold close to me since college. like, i don't mind not having a whole cohort, but i mind keeping the people i trust, and people that i know value me as well.

so i talked to k about my thoughts and i wish he'd reconsider. i just feel like this will weigh me down for a long time if i don't let it out. it feels heavy if i don't confront him that i want to fix things. i kinda hate it. that i know he also had it bad, that he's going through it alone, that he doesn't have much people around him, i hate that i can't let him be alone.

i guess his biggest concern is what if it happens again? like what if i like him again? and i told him all he had to say was he didn't want me that way. like close the freakin door on that. it stings, but it gave me peace. that us happening is not a path we'll ever take. and that's all i had to know. i hold myself so high and i respect myself enough to never, never again fold myself in places i don't fit. us romantically? not gonna happen. and i've made peace with that. i don't want anyone who does not want me. he closed the door, and that's fine with me. if he wants, i'll help him lock it up and send it to monsters inc and have it destroyed LOL

but he's my friend. and i trust him so much. and i can't stand the thought of him being lonely. which is why i'm willing to lay my cards out and try. because i want to. because i want to keep him in my life.

[paramores]

behind every hot girl is a deep history with paramore

[achillesinhighheels]

[phuckindope]

♡.

[userparamore]

HAYLEY WILLIAMS every cover for the singles of HW3/EGO

[titaniahime]

july 21st, 11:16 pm

it's funny how life reminds you that you should've just focused on yourself instead of being attached to someone you kept as a friend for so long. how instead of being such a hopeless romantic, you should've just leveled yourself and be fucking for real for once.

i, for one couldn't have imagined we would be here. i always thought, "we were friends, what could go wrong?" until i started seeing him differently. until i started imagining how his hands would feel holding mine, how i thought being held in his arms would be a place of solace in my times of distress.

to be fair, it's not wrong to be so hopeful. given the fact that i am an optimist, that i tend to see the best in every situation, and that ultimately, for me, failure is perspective earned. so being here right now, at my wits' end, anguished and fucking perplexed at myself, i'm amazed at how i could still manage to make sense of everything.

since yesterday, i've been crying my eyes out. my head hurts from crying so much. i woke from my sleep this morning in a pool of tears. i have yet to open my eyes, but they were already streaming. it feels different from the breakup with my ex, but GOD DOES IT HURT.

i wrote k a letter. i spent hours pouring my heart into it. i read it for about a hundred times before sending.

it was a lengthy message, and it had everything i wanted to say. i think it's been so long since i wrote a letter filled with raw, unfiltered, and intense emotions. which is probably why i had to stop multiple times to breathe and collect myself.

i'd like to think of it as a new beginning for the both of us. i was starting to fall for him, and we handled this more maturely than i thought. i never want to end on a bad note with someone i trusted my demons to. he treated me like a true friend, we treasured each other and being friends this long is proof of our commitment.

but there was something in me that yearned for more. i couldn't believe my heart would easily open up again. the connection i had with him was profound and intrinsic. i felt seen, i didn't have to perform, he read my mind, and it was a whole new level of intimacy for me.

my ex and i shared a deep connection too, but this, this widened the spectrum. what k and i had was deeper than friendship, but bigger than being lovers? i can't put it into words. romanticizing it feels like an insult. that's how it felt for me. and i couldn't keep it as that. i wanted to understand it. how come i feel so much for him but i can't deal with it in a way that's normal? in a way that people could define?

human emotions are complex. can you care and feel for someone this much and it's just platonic? i never had intimately platonic models so i always thought that it isn't possible especially with the opposite sex.

i have a bestfriend, d, and he considers me as his bestfriend too. we're close in a different way. that's why i couldn't consider k as a bestfriend, because it's far off from how d and i treat each other. i guess this is my first intimately platonic relationship and i never believed this could exist.

k and i have always been too close. we weren't clear with our boundaries and it's probably why we ended up in this situation.

he was a breath of fresh air. we could talk for hours, we could talk about anything. he would send me a reel, a song, a movie recommendation, a meme he found funny, and i'd engage. he would tell me the most random thought just to keep the conversation going. how he needs to hang his laundry, how he so badly wants to score a pair of local made trousers, how he left his belt and book at home, those were needless to say but i enjoyed the little pebbles he threw my way.

i know how his slumber would sometimes be disrupted and he'd lie awake at dawn trying to get his sleep back, i know how he has cigarettes after sex on loop as his white noise, how he only eats once a day because he's been used to it and he's trying to cut some weight, how he needs antihistamine whenever he eats his favorite kare-kare burrito, how he's slightly allergic to shellfish, how he "doesn't believe" in astrology but judges people based on their zodiac sign, how he's fond of acidic and citrusy drinks, how he badly challenges my belief but strengthens it otherwise, how he broke his collarbone when he was a teen and he had to fend for himself, how he loved his ex so much he lost himself in the process...

i could go on all day about everything i know about him, and it hurts because i'll miss all that he is. all that we were. all that i was with him.

i never said goodbye, i don't want to lose him. he's too precious to be left alone. but we need space. we need to distance ourselves from each other because i'll only get hurt, he'll only hurt me.

i guess i need to understand fully what this is for me. do i really want him romantically? i have to assess myself and dig deep into my soul because i cannot fathom what i really want. i don't want our friendship to end, but i can't settle with just being friends? i can't understand myself. i want clarity. i don't know.

[introvertsnation]

@introvertsnation

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[4funblr]

No middle ground

[memeuplift]

[titaniahime]

july 9th, 9:05 pm

hello! it's july now! funny how time passes by quickly when you're not struggling anymore. it does get better and it does pass. c:

k & i are still talking. we're still good friends and he's often testing the waters with me. one time he asked me how attractive i find him and if i'm attracted to someone, do i rate them to a specific number and see if we're compatible because he wanted to know how i think of him in that sense. he also asks me jokingly if i have a crush on him, i just laugh it off.

to be honest, i wouldn't be thinking about him if i'm not interested in getting to know him more. we've known each other since we were teenagers and it feels like going back to a place you haven't been to in a long time, yet you know your way around.

we finally decided on a date. we're going to meet each other on the 12th. 3 days from now. the last time i saw him in person was 2018, it was our graduation day and funny enough, he was the last classmate i was with before going to my family. we have not seen each other for 7 whole years.

he planned on going to a coffee event that same day and he mentioned matcha— he needn't say more. he knew that was all he had to say, and i confirmed i'll come with.

right now, it hasn't dawned on me how nerve wracking this is. i mean i think about it and i still can't put my head around the situation but we're finally seeing each other.

of course we're friends so this should be no big deal, right?

the thought of seeing him in person makes my heart race. i can feel my heart throbbing, like it's going to pop out of my chest. the first time i was aware that we were in the same city, i couldn't sit still. i was on my toes the whole day. fidgeting and rolling around my bed.

now that we've crystallized our plans, i feel excited but anxious. my ex would always say that excitement and anxiety are synonymous but i always thought otherwise. anxiety is an emotion triggered by worry and fear, excitement is fueled by a more positive cause.

i'm excited because i really want to hang out with him and meet him again. he's a dear friend, and i hold him close to my heart. even before, i actually felt understood by him and he has been a catalyst in my healing journey. i think it's proper that we acknowledge our agency in one another's lives and what better way to commemorate that by spending time with each other in the flesh.

i feel anxious though because the last time i saw him was 7 years ago?!?!?!! we were kids then, things are different now, we're pushing 30s and it's crazy because months ago we just passed by each other's lives and now our paths crossed and led us to this moment and eventually will lead us face to face???? idk universe is so crazy for this to happen. but i always believe that you're where you're supposed to be and i know at the back of my head, this has to happen.

i guess for me, this has to happen (aside from the fact that we're friends) because i want to know how i truly feel about him. the attraction is there, i have to be honest. i can't deny the obvious. but after college, everything we've ever said and everything we've ever done were purely virtual. i even confessed to liking him, which was kinda superficial? but i feel like this would provide clarity to us both.

i just hope everything goes well. i'm not expecting a perfect meetup, but i hope we both go home happy three days from now. i'll be back by then.

[titaniahime]

june 19th, 12:38am

yesterday has been really heavy for me. it was my ex's mom's birthday and she reached out to me, just talked to me about how she's on a trip and that she left my ex at home. she also said we should hang out one of these days.

but i can't pretend anymore. i can't pretend that reconnecting with her means reconnecting with my pain. i can't downplay how traumatized i am and how broken i felt after her son left me. her son decided on one shitty tuesday that i wasn't worth it anymore like i didn't mean anything.

i can't keep this facade that i'm fine with meeting up with her. i can't keep revisiting the wound i'm trying to heal from. if she only knew how much pain her son inflicted upon me, i bet she wouldn't dare approach me anymore because of shame.

k has been pressing me to cut ties because he can see that this is taking a toll on me. and again, i was too stubborn to admit until now that i can't run from it anymore. he's right. i'm actively seeking out what i should've been avoiding in the first place. i know what to do, i'm just putting it off because i keep thinking of how it will affect my ex's mom, which is fact not my burden to carry anymore.

i badly want to move forward. i don't want to go back anymore. and if that means cutting ties with people i once loved for the sake of my peace, i'll do it. not for anyone else, but for myself.

[fairycosmos]

very very evil to be a child in 2008 and an adult in 2025

[good-in-space]

“Maybe that’s enlightenment enough: to know that there is no final resting place of the mind; no moment of smug clarity. Perhaps wisdom is realizing how small I am, and unwise, and how far I have yet to go.”

Anthony Bourdain (June 25, 1956 - June 8, 2018)

[vyva-melinkolya]

“listen to your body” what if my body says do whatever you want all the time

[blondebrainpowered]

Anthony Bourdain preparing a meal in the kitchen of his New York apartment in 1997.

Photographer: Jack Manning/The New York Times

[titaniahime]

june 12th, 6:53pm

yesterday, i admitted that i like him. to preface this blog, i have been talking to a friend for a whole month. i am in the midst of moving on from my first relationship, i am on my period, and i am an anxious person.

i might've said things that i haven't reflected on that much. to be honest, i really am not sure of how i feel about him. i admit, being an anxiously attached person, the attention he gave me was addicting. i felt validated and heard. one thing i'm sure of is that i am not in the right state of mind to be sure of anything.

i have come up with some reasons as to why i caught feelings for him. first thing is, he was the first guy to give me the attention i wanted. i felt needed again. coming from a relationship where i was mostly the one needing more, it felt nice being on the other end. and i understood him, because i saw how i was.

second is, i believe in my core, that i am a lover girl. i am not a nonchalant person. i'm overly expressive, and i embrace that. the love i currently have had no place to go, aside from myself of course, and he was there, he needed it. he was drowning, and i felt like he needed saving.

i guess i romanticized things too much too quickly because that was what i was used to. i was love bombed by my ex, and i thought these little glimmers of hope were signals of something my heart should act upon. i felt as if i had to make sense of something that was still abstract just because it was how i defined liking someone.

also, i have not had a guy come this close to me since my ex. i have not let anyone in at this point because i had my ex, he was my cornerstone. yes, i had guy friends, but none of them came close to knowing what's in my mind. none of them has ever made me re evaluate myself and helped me realize what was in hindsight.

i guess i should've known better. being the overthinker that i am, vulnerable and insanely anxious, fueled by unpredictable hormones and stupidity, i admitted to something i was not even sure of.

i inconvenienced a friend who cares for me. i made him bear the weight of my irrationality and gave him a new wound to heal from when he's yet to stand up. i know. i'm an ass for that.

i also think the reason why i think i understand that he's still in love with his ex and i'm "okay" with it is because i didn't think this through yet. if i was in the right mind, why would i go for someone that still loves their ex?? i'm a fucking moron who feels retroactive jealousy. so i'm really sure i'm not in the right headspace for anything.

ANDDD out of anyone, i should know he's not in the right mind for anything. i know what he's going through and what he went through, why would i impose feelings to him?? the man is trying to recover and heal from years and years of abandonment and pain. of course he's emotionally unavailable. i for one should know because i also am!!!!

we've decided to detach and sort things out on our own. although we confronted what this was and maybe i was also too stubborn to admit that he was right. that "liking" him isn't what this really is. this isn't to invalidate my feelings, but this is probably to avert disasters that weren't meant to happen if we communicate and REALLY think things through.

to be fair, i am interested in him. in getting to know him, in what he tells me, in who he is as a person, and in how he is as a friend. we can still be friends, i was just too confused and trapped in the patterns of my past. and to overcome it and grow from it, this had to happen.