may 24th, 12:49am
well, well, well!!!! if it isn't the devil who has risen from her grave!!! what a quick quarter!! my last entry was 4 months ago and BOYYY has time passed!!! if you're wondering if i'm at a much better predicament right now compared to where i was at that point, i can confidently say that.... IT DEPENDS!!!! LOL but let's talk about the pros first!!!
PROS:
more mentally relaxed
anxious attachment style? we don't know her!!
CRAZY? a little bit!!
CONS:
hoe phase #2
that's it. i don't have to put any more bullets on the cons cos you already know what's going on. am i using my body to fill a void in my heart? WE DON'T KNOW!!! but things escalated pretty fast and well, i'm here right now. to be clear, he is a friend (whom i met through my bestfriend, which was also her ex fling (nothing happened between them dw but he used her to emotionally cheat with his then girlfriend)) NORMAL RIGHT?! to some it might sound pretty fucked up but, hey, this is our life to live!! LOL
so yeah, things got pretty spicy this summer. we were both single. him fresh out of a long term, long distance relationship... a man.. LOL me, single and on the bench for a year, a woman... we were on vacation... both drunk as hell... he started making a move on me and... voila! a newborn friends with benefits relationship!
to be fair, i would NEVERRR go that far with a guy my friend has been romantically involved with, but we speculated and gaslit ourselves that he was freaking GAY T_T so i confronted him that same night and he said he doesn't bend. he's STRAIGHT as a stick. also this is the first time j introduced me to someone that's physically my type. guy was 5'10", MORENO, and HE LIKES CATS. also, his physique, i am flabbergasted. i didn't see him that way at first.. like being physically intimate because I HAVE INGRAINED IN MY FICKLE MIND THAT HE IS QUOTE UNQUOTE GAY or BI at that. and mama don't want no papwet or pumepwet diih. HAHAHAHAH oh my god.
so yeah!!! he's still here, so i guess this is still going on. idk when he's leaving for madrid, and i'm honestly so proud of myself! HAHAHHAHA this won't make sense to anyone else but i don't feel sick to my stomach at all. he could be talking to multiple women and i would not bat an eye. i'll even voluntarily help him weed the bad ones out LOL this is how it feels to just be physical with someone.. huh... fun... exciting!! the thrill?? exhilarating as hell. how we can't post stories that we're together... how he's turning his location off... the hiding LOL i know it might sound bad like, are you for real? you're settling with someone who's treating you that way? BABY I'M DOING THE SAME. BABY I'M NOT YEARNING FOR MORE. I AM WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE.
i guess this setup is a gray area for some people, and i kind of told myself i wouldn't engage in casual, but here we are! i honestly feel like this experience is sort of a tool to heal my anxiety and relationship with people, especially in this sense... HAHAHAHHA i'm just doing this for the plot to be honest. and idk we'll see how this goes!
i'm enjoying the sex btw. xx












