Truth is I am lost. I am so confused it is not even cute. I am in a hole that I didn’t know I was in, but more alarming, I don’t know how to get out.
Last time I checked, my life was going well. I mean, where I am from, if I told anybody what I was doing, they would all be jealous. Living in West Palm Beach, completed a masters degree, 2+ years with my girlfriend. I mean, it all sounds so ideal. How many people from my Island even make it that far, Masters degree in the US? What, around 10%? Lol, 15,00? nah, not even, 5% maybe, maybe 3%? I mean what I did is pretty impressive to some. But why aren't I happy? Why does it seem like things are falling apart more than they are coming together? I have only a couple months of leal citizenship so everything past that is just a mystery? I mean, I want to stay, but I also want a good job, but also, I want to get my PhD, but also, I want to belong somewhere.
Being away fro almost 10 years now has only shown me that I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t have a place that I call home and that I can build to my liking. That was what I had with my girlfriend. All I ever wanted, but I fucked up. Not aware that I have everything that I want and need I went after some girl while on a trip. And yeah, I regret it, but what I regret more is the pain that I caused and ultimately, the hole that it all put me in. I mean, I want kids with this girl and a house in Florida, and help her achieve her goals. Everything I want with her is higher power and next level stuff, but she doesn’t see that with me. So I guess start over? but damn, I dont want that. I dont want to give away the garden that I have been watering? I cant even imagine taking liking to other flowers. I want my sunflower garden, yeah tulips are great, and so are other sunflowers, but they aren't the one that I grew in my yard for damn near 3 years. Is this how niggas end up in a Tesla driving home from the club and taking a pit stop at the strip club? I don’t want that shit. I want to go home to my girl after texting her asking if she wants something to eat. I mean, home by 9:30 unless she is out with me. I don’t want to be on the street hollering at females. That ain’t my ideal weekend. I dont want to accept that, but is she gone? It doesn’t have to be like that. I don’t want it to end like that. I want the last kiss to be at 90 years old.
But truthfully, what is next for me. There is so much going on in my head that It isn't even funny. In my head, at least 3 times a day I think about offing myself. But is that normal. I mean, there isn't anything inherently wrong with me but like there is. Paper and reality is a completely different story. I spend days thinking about how my life would be with a particular individual in it, and she doesn’t even want that. I want to be home with my GF and my parents and we are the beach and we are going around visiting places and we are enjoying what life could be on this island for us. I mean damn, I really just wanted to travel with her and just show her the world and try new foods and experience new events. I am getting off track so I guess I’ll stop talking but moral of the story, I need help. I am there for everyone and constantly checking in and right now, I need help. But where do I go for that help? How do I get that help. Help me, I please. Help me.
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