I've often dreamt of it. There have been moments of longing and intricately imagining it.
I dig the blade deep into my arms, I think about watching the pools of life escape as I slip into that irreversible slumber. I wish I had a sense of what it would be like.
It isn't fear that holds me back, in a sense I suppose it could be, but the way I would leave my family. I cannot bare thinking about my husband finding me lifeless, hopeless. Thinking on how my son would feel knowing that I was able to retreat without him. That his mother could surrender and leave him to fend for himself.
I have imagined jumping from great heights. I have watched my body crumble to the depths of a deep mountain canyon. Crippling and mangling new bones with each roll. Then I think of not being found, or worse being found and someone having to remove my body from such a dangerous area.
My heart has begged to be submerged in a body of water. I have played with the dancing waves in the tub as they taunt me to their mysterious innards. How peaceful would that release be? Then I quickly remind myself that I would pass bare and exposed, and I'm not sure how long it would take my partner to part from his engagements to find my wrinkling body. At least i would be clean and whole.
I have toyed with the idea of swallowing a handful of unknown medicines and allowing time to tell. Leaving in a comatose state is tempting, as I know I would be sedated and hurt the least. I hate thinking on how cowardice it all sounds. What good is running from the fears of the unknown if you're plummeting into greater unknowns?
How selfish, to leave those that beg you daily not to go to work? How mindless, to create a life and abandon it when things get difficult. How is it that so many can not just risk it all, but completely give into the rough temptations that we all face?
Why try at all if the end result is the same for us all? Somedays I believe my personal suicide resides idly within. I play death and morbid scenes in my mind often. Somedays the idea of loosing everything before my time is most terrifying. I think of loosing my child or my husband and begin to fill with weight. It makes it difficult to move or get out of bed.
I ache with desire to escape. I am amazed at the amount I love, i feel so intensely that i can actually eliminate myself just to reduce my chances of seeing or living through my family's torments. Greatness is always there, it is just shaded by desire. Desire to outrun the sufferings of the world. Desire to see the otherside. Desire to forget. There is always something worth waiting around for, only time will tell.








