Ciao Bella

30 / still trying to adult / still using tumblr

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went to a gig in london with a friend who I haven’t caught up with in ageeeee & missed the whole bloody gig cos I was 2 busy in the smoking area posing like i was 14 again

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feeling a lil down cos for some bizarre reason, my sleep cycle is off. for the past month I have been waking up in the middle of the night and having a v broken light sleep and feeling terrible in the mornings

I am averaging at about 4/5 hours sleep each night for the past month, baring in mind I have a very healthy bedtime routine. I’ve been prescribed a v low dose sleeping pills for a week for the first time in my life, I tried it last night but it made 0 difference 😭

Will obvs take for the 7 days but I just want to get a full nights sleep is that too much to ask for

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I really want to learn how to crochet a scarf but all videos online are confusing meeeeeee :(((

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A lady in my neighbourhood just gave me all this wool for free so I can give crochet a go!

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I really want to learn how to crochet a scarf but all videos online are confusing meeeeeee :(((

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I always feel like giving up halfway through eating an apple, it’s such tiring work & is it always that worth it ?

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the weather is so dreamy today, I have the flat to myself & I’m having a super chilled nothing day just pottering around & it’s been bliss ✨

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how do we as adults fit everything in??? I’m looking at my week ahead trying to get organised & I want to do a Pilates class, but I also want to see a friend I had to cancel on when I was ill last week, but I also need to do a food shop, oh and cook, and I need to get my car looked at cos the fan & AC stopped, but I also need to go to the office 3 days a week and then I am also going to a rave Friday night and then I’ve pretty much ran out of days

lol

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look I don’t want to be dramatic or all moany, but I’m still ill and it’s making me so sad

I got the spaced out head and wobbly legs (not the good kind from sex)

and I am really missing social interaction from going to the office :( if you asked me this time last year - I’d be like no way why tf would I wanna go into the office, but now I’m a year into my new job and go in 3 days a week and I really enjoy it

& whenever I’m ill I’m like ffs I could be doing so much like exercising rn, even though if I was feeling well I’d be doing the same as I’m doing now (nothing) but at least my nose wouldn’t be blocked && I’d feel ok

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Why am I still ill 😭 Kieran said I sound like darth Vader when I’m breathing ffs

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throwback to summer

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I have been struck with a bad cold that crept up on me so quickly yesterday I didn’t have time to even process it (lol I’m so dramatic)

so I am currently in bed sipping on a honey & lemon. I bought tickets for a Halloween night out earlier this week for Saturday and I am doing everything to make sure I will be ok for then

And by “doing everything” I am just sat in bed sipping on a honey & lemon

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I’m just on a mad blogging hype rn & I’ve been drinking with my husband & having a wonderful time

kinda counting on tonight’s extra hour of sleep

BUT

my cousin had a baby and they are doing this big Hindu religious ceremony at midday tomoz & there will be about 80 of us joining lol and I have a feeling I am going to be hanginggggg out my ass

& im too old to be doing family events in this state

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ruh roh

(you have to say this in scooby doos voice)

(these were my thoughts when I woke up the next day)

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who actually enjoys the apple in apple crumble

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I’m just on a mad blogging hype rn & I’ve been drinking with my husband & having a wonderful time

kinda counting on tonight’s extra hour of sleep

BUT

my cousin had a baby and they are doing this big Hindu religious ceremony at midday tomoz & there will be about 80 of us joining lol and I have a feeling I am going to be hanginggggg out my ass

& im too old to be doing family events in this state

[to0tyfruity]

so my best friend is the entire world who is literally a sister to me has had her first baby. words can’t describe how happy I am for her and her husband!!!! honestly! BUT here is me now just be v open & honest - I really fucking miss the girl 😭 since the age of 12 we have been inseparable & have lived 5 min drive/20 min walk from each other, would ring each other every day even though we were at school together, text all the time, and even send each other letters in the post all the time cos we loved getting post lol!

up until she gave birth we would still speak every day (we are now 30) and I would ring her on my drive to work whilst she was getting ready for work & we would know every single tiny detail of each others lives

since giving birth, this has all stopped. which I expected because she’s a mumma!!!! life has completely changed for her & her priorities have shifted & I would never expect things to be the same as they were. absolutely not. all I’m saying is that I just miss my best friend. I’ve still seen her a handful of times when she has gone to see her parents (she has now moved to Wimbledon so is v far from me) . I also know we are going to fall into a brand new pattern which i am looking forward to, I don’t want us to be the same I always want to move forward into new phases of our lives

I just miss the girl, I miss calling her about small things bothering me and venting, having someone so close to me and knowing me better than myself

she wants 3 to 4 kids still so I know this is going to be life now & will get more challenging the more kids she has lol

just feel sad every now and then cos 18 years of my life with her have now moved onto another phase, one that I can’t fully relate to, I currently don’t see myself having a kid which has been a HUGE discovery for myself, maybe I’ll adopt at some point, but we are living 2 v different lives now and I know a lot my friends will have kids in the near future and it will take a lot of adjusting to

anyone else gone through this/going through this/can relate??? always nice to hear from other peoples life experiences

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So many things have happened !!!!!

- I turned 30???!!! I hired out a part of a pub that is a 2 min walk down the road from us (£30 an hour ?!) had my own bar, my mates brother did a dnb dj set for me, all my close friends came, some travelled and I hadn’t seen in ages it meant so much to me, my mum surprised me with a cake and it was just everything I wanted

- the allotment was poppin offfff this year, we grew so many potatoes, cucumbers, peppers, chillies, tomatoes, garlic, spring onions. like i could not believe it & I genuinely felt like this year I really got to get to know the other allotment people, who were so lovely and would share their veg with us & was such a lovely community. since moving into our lovely flat 5 years ago, this year was the first year where I really felt part of the community. the pub down the road from us reopened since lockdown when we moved in too & it has made soooo much difference to our lives

- I made Kieran a sweet ‘cake’ for his birthday because he doesn’t like cake. like guys I hot glue gunned a shit tonne of chewits to make the letter K (a lot harder than I anticipated & I don’t know why I did this hungover lollll) and I filled the insides with loads of haribo & skittles

- I’ve started going on lil hikes with my big sis. this guy I work with goes on solo hikes all the time and has amazing routes he’s discovered which he has passed onto me. but this one particular route you had to follow the map he printed with a compas, which I had never done before & I have 0 sense of direction and really rely on google maps so this was a HUGE achievement for me!!! I got to spend time with my sister and discover amazing countryside and rivers near where I live (like literally 30 min drive away??)

- I booked a day off week and went to Brighton beach with my friend Luke

- got absolutely wankered at my friends house party - the house Kieran used to live in when I first met him, the house I lived in temporarily during Covid. I wasn’t looking forward to it tbh and wasn’t feeling hugely social and had such low expectations BUT I was vibing with everyone so much, it had been so long since I went to a house party?? & one where I didn’t know everyone? we ended up doing a lot of coke and a lot of dancing and drinking and I felt so free??? like I had 0 plans the rest of the weekend and felt like I could just be selfish and a little reckless and silly

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O heyyyy it’s been a while hasn’t it

My dog turned 13 yesterday and we were all sending old pics of him on our family group chat. And I remembered that I had sooo many cute pics of him and thought I’d look on my tumblr because that’s when I was actively blogging my whole life literally everyday & I got sucked into reading my tumblr for soooo long (really made most of my wfh day) lol BUT I realised I just blogged with 0 filter on my life???? I was so HONEST AND OPEN about so many things and it was so refreshing and surprising to read ???

I don’t know when I started to hold back and filter on what I blogged. I’m not sure if it just came with age or fear of someone I knew finding my blog (which is wild cos no one my age that I know even uses tumblr - I was more at risk of someone reading my blog when I was 18!!!)

And I feel like when I’m interviewing 16-25ish year olds at work for my job, they are always so honest with how they are feeling and their answers

I don’t know where I’m going with this post but it’s just an observation is guess, with myself and life and how I may have changed

Maybe I’ll start blogging again and use tumblr as a platform to just word vomit my true unfiltered feelings - who knows lol